World Leaders who are Lolcows

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MAPK phosphatase dijo:
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Had a brain tumor and was the first furry
XXIX. He so prostituted his own chastity that after defiling almost every part of his body, he at last devised a kind of game, in which, covered with the skin of some wild animal, he was let loose from a cage and attacked the private parts of men and women, who were bound to stakes, and when he had sated his mad lust, was dispatched by his freedman Doryphorus; for he was even married to this man in the same way that he himself had married Sporus, going so far as to imitate the cries and lamentations of a maiden being deflowered. I have heard from some men that it was his unshaken conviction that no man was chaste or pure in any part of his body, but that most of them concealed their vices and cleverly drew a veil over them; and that therefore he pardoned all other faults in those who confessed to him their lewdness.
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Montalbane dijo:
Berlusconi was a chad.
Call merkel an unfuckable landarse
The country wasn't great but at least you could live normally
No gay laws fucking up your paycheck
Fucked hot women
Is nownthe first silycone based human.

I will never forgive globohomo for taking him from usVer archivo adjunto 2891937
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He is the official center-right candidate for the upcoming presidential election in Italy, so who knows, he might have more surprises in store for us.

My favorite Berlu moment was when he snubbed Angela Merkel at a NATO summit, and he kept talking to Erdogan on the phone instead of greeting her.

Or that time he went "peekaboo" while Merkel was visiting.

What a guy.
 
"Idi Amin, Idi Amin

He's my panda from Uganda, he’s my teddy bear
They say bad things about him but I don't care
Idi Amin, I'm your fan

They’re talkin' about Hitler, but he was in the past
Idi we love you, we know you'll make it last
Everything is greater cause Idi is dictator

You really are so freaky with your medals and dashiki
Let's go out to the garden, it's time to light the tiki
Now the fire's getting hot, so let's throw them in the pot

Idi I know, the jungle was all smiles
When you fed the missionaries to the happy crocodiles
Politicians and Jews all think you're smarmy
But just give me one chance and I’ll join your army
Though I can’t afford to fly to Entebbe
Next time you're in town we’ll go to CBGB"
 
Saparmurat Niyazov is the first name that popped into my mind.

-War orphan, mother died in earthquake, traumatic childhood.
-Wrote a book that contains his memories, Turkmen lore, dietary suggestions, Soviet bashing, boasting, wild promises, pep talk and his poems. Promised that everyone who reads it 3 times will go to heaven because he personally asked Allah to arrange it. Closed all libraries because people only need to read Quran and his book.
-Named towns, schools, airports, a meteorite and everything after himself. Named months after himself and his family members. Changed the word bread to his mothers name.
-Banned beard and long hair for young men.
-Banned men from listening to car radios.
-Banned makeup on television for men to not confused with women.
-Banned ballet, opera and circuses.
-Banned lip syncing and recorded music at public events.
-Banned smoking in all public places after he gave up smoking, after his heart surgery.
-Banned dogs in Ashgabat because they smell bad.
-Banned public benches in Ashgabat because walking is healthy.
-Fired 15,000 health workers and closed all hospitals outside of Ashgabat, forced every sick people in 480,000 km² country to visit city.
-Switched the Hippocratic Oath with his own.
-Banned gold teeth, recommended people chewing bones for strong teeth.
-Reduced secondary education by one year to dumb down the population to prevent dissent.
-Spent money coming from natural resources to stupid shit like artifical lakes in the middle of desert, ice rinks, mega mosques or twenty four karat gold statues of himself.
-Discontinued pensions of one-third of all country's elderly and reduced the remaining.
 
Turk on the lurk dijo:
Saparmurat Niyazov is the first name that popped into my mind.

-War orphan, mother died in earthquake, traumatic childhood.
-Wrote a book that contains his memories, Turkmen lore, dietary suggestions, Soviet bashing, boasting, wild promises, pep talk and his poems. Promised that everyone who reads it 3 times will go to heaven because he personally asked Allah to arrange it. Closed all libraries because people only need to read Quran and his book.
-Named towns, schools, airports, a meteorite and everything after himself. Named months after himself and his family members. Changed the word bread to his mothers name.
-Banned beard and long hair for young men.
-Banned men from listening to car radios.
-Banned makeup on television for men to not confused with women.
-Banned ballet, opera and circuses.
-Banned lip syncing and recorded music at public events.
-Banned smoking in all public places after he gave up smoking, after his heart surgery.
-Banned dogs in Ashgabat because they smell bad.
-Banned public benches in Ashgabat because walking is healthy.
-Fired 15,000 health workers and closed all hospitals outside of Ashgabat, forced every sick people in 480,000 km² country to visit city.
-Switched the Hippocratic Oath with his own.
-Banned gold teeth, recommended people chewing bones for strong teeth.
-Reduced secondary education by one year to dumb down the population to prevent dissent.
-Spent money coming from natural resources to stupid shit like artifical lakes in the middle of desert, ice rinks, mega mosques or twenty four karat gold statues of himself.
-Discontinued pensions of one-third of all country's elderly and reduced the remaining.
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I think we have a winner from the last 20 years. His successor is also a lolcow but less so than Niyazov.
 
Turk on the lurk dijo:
-Named towns, schools, airports, a meteorite and everything after himself. Named months after himself and his family members. Changed the word bread to his mothers name.
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Holy shit, I watched The Dictator and I thought to myself "if Aladeen changed positive and negative to his name, surely no one can do so right?". Never knew some actual retard did that lmao.
 
Kabuki Actor dijo:
Don't forget the rest of the crew:
Ver archivo adjunto 2891169
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That's a sick list but I felt it missed some of the funniest moments, like FDR marrying his own cousin / Emperor Hirohito having practically no control of the Army and Navy. Or Stalin killing 2/3 of his officers and leaving his high command full of retards like Budyonney, and then purging all his doctors before ending up dying in a pool of his own piss with no one wanting to treat him.

As for the modern day, the Ayatollah cracks me up considering he just got banned off twitter for releasing a cgi video depicting an Iranian Hotwheels car killing Trump.
 
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Uday Hussein (Saddam's son) would definitely be a horrowcow if he were alive today. It was confirmed that the guy used the internet to look up torture techniques. In fact I'd argue in the US didn't invade Iraq in 2003 and if Saddam was still alive Uday would most definitely have a KF thread on him. He'd probably be listed as a horrowcow just because of his psychopathic tendencies, the fact that he tortured people, the countless rapes he's committed, etc.

I'd suspect that in an alternate universe Kiwi Farms, we'd be talking about Uday Hussein kidnapping a KF user. Crazier shit's happened before.
 
Berdimuhamedow (also known as Arkadag, if you are a normal person and can't pronounce his dumb name) is a successor to Niyazov, and even though he is not so lulzy (this is a pretty high bar set by Niyazov), he is still pretty hilarious. Although I don't think that people Turkmenistan are having fun.

Out dear leader Arkadag was a humble dentist, until one day, out of the blue, he became a Minister of Health. One hell of a promotion, huh? When Niyazov died, the power, according to the constitution, should have been transferred to the head of parliament. But (surprise!), he was accused of corruption and sent to jail. After that, our hero Arkadag became a president even though he did so against the constitution. He took power in 1997 and ruled Turkmenistan ever since, winning elections three times in a row, with 95% supporting him every time. Seems legit.

Some stuff he did:

- Gives concerts where he performs songs as good as those of Christian & Hedgehog Boys. Of course, the spectators are blown away by this magnificent performance, how could they not. Watch yourself and enjoy.

- The grateful citizens built a golden statue for their humble leader, because they love him so much! Dumb ass trannies are ddosing us again so I can't upload the picture directly

- Silly factoid, but Jennifer Lopez performed a song on his birthday. I don't know why she wasn't cancelled for supporting a dictator, but here we are.

- Was a dentist and still is obsessed with healthcare and thinks of himself as a public heath champion. Wrote around 50 books, some patriotic in their themes, some are basic as fuck health PSAs like "drink water, mmmkay?". Has a boner for traditional and herbal medicine.

- Presumably, his wife is related to him somehow, but it's just rumours.

- Like Niyazov, Arkadag built a crazy cult of personality around himself. He ordered to put portraits of himself everywhere, copies of his books gifted as a prizes or tropies of some sort and people are encouraged to kiss and venerate them.

- When chinkflu reached his country, he ordered to burn harmala everywhere because he believed that its incense will stop the flu. Didn't work, sadly. When people started dropping dead, he prohibited to cover COVID in any way in his country.

And much more lulz... There is a lot of info on him and Niyazov, I just gave a primer. Definitely look for more if you like lolcows in power a-la Caligula. Shit is hilarious.
 
Edward Hyde, or Lord Cornbury was a cousin of queen Anne installed as royal governor of New York and New Jersey in the early 18th century
Wiki
Much of this may have been posthumous slander from enemies, as he made quite a few through incompetence, but he was, at least allegedly, the troon governor of colonial manhattan. He wanted to represent his cousin in the colonies, and did so by wearing a blue dress in her style

lordcornbury.jpg


This portrait may have been commisioned after his ouster, but it's flawless. Notice the exceptional individual in his wife's stolen dress, the five o clock shadow, potato face, and zero attempt to pass. Many said he embezzled from tax funds, likely true, and would hide in bushes and try to force himself on male guests at parties, big if true. He would be oustered in less than ten years, but serve as an inspirtaion for generations of autistic, urban bugman troons to come.
 
boris yeltsin
73952903.jpg

notorious drunkard (by russian standards)
had tanks attack the moscow white house because he didn't want t be impeached
fucked the economy

during his state visit to the US, he was found by secret service in the middle of the night in his underwear hailing a cab trying to get a pizza
 
josef dijo:
boris yeltsin
Ver archivo adjunto 3022260
notorious drunkard (by russian standards)
had tanks attack the moscow white house because he didn't want t be impeached
fucked the economy

during his state visit to the US, he was found by secret service in the middle of the night in his underwear hailing a cab trying to get a pizza
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when he came to visit ireland he was so drunk he had to delay the flight landing by 2 hours to sober up by circling around and explaining it away as being tired, hence the phrase "circling the shannon/airport"
 
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