Weird Bible Stories

[Mnutu]

How does God summoning bears to to maul teenagers making fun of one of His prophets outline the sinfulness of man?

That’s severely underselling the weirdness by focusing on the least interesting thing; it wasn’t just two bears, it was very specifically two female bears. It’s bizarrely impressive that after thousands and thousands of years and who knows how many copies and translations, the fact that they are female bears is perfectly preserved. It’s hilarious.

The weirdest part of the Bible, beyond the surface level, is Melchizedek. He shows up once in Genesis, bring Abram bread and wine, then he blesses him, then one of them tithes the other (it’s vague), and is only mentioned one other time in the Psalms. He’s a vague and obscure figure, who is also incredibly important and influential on Christian thought. The greater always blesses the lesser (except when it’s man blessing God, that’s a different situation), and so when Melchizedek blesses Abram, he is showing his greater status over him. Then there’s his name, where it’s argued it’s “Malki” meaning “King”and “Zedek”meaning either “Righteous” or “Zedek, a god”. The latter is a fringe thought, but it’s funny nonetheless. Melchizedek thus means “King of Righteousness” or depending on how you interpret the grammatical form “My King is Righteousness”. This is insane; the first could imply it is Christ, the latter a priest. It’s just weird.

Judges chapter 3 tells the story of a man named Ehud who managed to successfully assassinate the king of Moab. Ehud told the king that he had a secret message for him and convinced him to dismiss his gaurds. The king was an obese man. He was so fat that when Ehud thrust his sword into his abdomen the entire sword (hilt and all) was swallowed up by fat. Ehud didn't bother to retrieve his sword. Ehud locked the door to the throne room upon his exit. The guards did return a few minutes later. But when they saw the door was locked they assumed the king was taking a shit or something and didn't respond immediately. Allowing Ehud to escape the castle unnoticed.

https://www.christianity.com/bible/niv/judges/3-12-30

Okay maybe not the weirdest story but it's pretty comical.

Its even funnier because the OSB commentary has nothing more to add to it other than “the upper summer chamber is a well ventilated room on the flat roof”, which is such a weirdly specific detail that it implies to me that the commenter wants you to imagine the dude would regularly literally shit on the people below him.

I think Judges is the weirdest book altogether. At least with Kings you have context that bails you out, but Judges stands alone in all of its bizarre wonder.

EDIT: I enjoy how every time Abram and Sarai arrive in a new land, they pretend to be siblings so Abram wouldn’t get murdered and Sarai stolen, and every time Sarai is taken by the local king and pisses off God, who when they learn the lie go “why did you lie? I wouldn’t have done this if I had known!”

When I was younger, I didn’t quite clue in to the fact that the kings were definitely lying and they would’ve absolutely murdered Abram for Sarai, so it just came off as if Abram was a paranoid dickhead routinely landing innocent guys into trouble.

 

[Dammit Mandrake!]

Prodigal Son is bullshit.

Throw the dude a party, assholes.

 

[SNEED.EXE]

Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head!

 

[Easterling]

The Book of revelations, just all of it really, fascinating but down right bizarre

 

[Dagoth AMOGUS]

My niggas always talking about the ''weird'' parts of the Bible, but never the beautiful parts of the Bible smh.

The weird parts stand out because of how rare they are and how beautiful the Bible is

The Book of revelations, just all of it really, fascinating but down right bizarre

Imagine being John in exile when he witnessed those future events. He was merely a 1st century man, so everything he saw was viewed through that sort of lens. Then he wrote it down to the best of his ability to process what he had seen.

 

[Easterling]

Imagine being John in exile when he witnessed those future events. He was merely a 1st century man, so everything he saw was viewed through that sort of lens. Then he wrote it down to the best of his ability to process what he had seen.

man has to try and explain giant plague locusts from hell with human faces and a two hundred million strong army of soldiers riding horses with lion heads that breath fucking fire.

 

[ToroidalBoat]

The story of Samson can be rather wat.

 

[NOT Sword Fighter Super]

I liked how Samson had superhuman strength in relation to the length of his hair.

That was pretty weird.

 

[ToroidalBoat]

[...]

Is that art by Rodney Matthews? That guy really likes thorny shapes.

 

[Neo-Nazi Rich Evans]

Technically, the dude did have sex with her, he just pulled out and nutted on the floor instead of inside her. That's where we get the term onanism.

death to cowards who pull out seems to be the lesson here.

 

[Easterling]

Is that art by Rodney Matthews? That guy really likes thorny shapes.

Thats the guy, good taste

The story of Samson can be rather wat.

I actually liked that story so much as a kid that I got the Norman Rockwell sketch of him as a tattoo

 

[Kari Kamiya]

Judges chapter 3 tells the story of a man named Ehud who managed to successfully assassinate the king of Moab. Ehud told the king that he had a secret message for him and convinced him to dismiss his gaurds. The king was an obese man. He was so fat that when Ehud thrust his sword into his abdomen the entire sword (hilt and all) was swallowed up by fat. Ehud didn't bother to retrieve his sword. Ehud locked the door to the throne room upon his exit. The guards did return a few minutes later. But when they saw the door was locked they assumed the king was taking a shit or something and didn't respond immediately. Allowing Ehud to escape the castle unnoticed.

https://www.christianity.com/bible/niv/judges/3-12-30

Okay maybe not the weirdest story but it's pretty comical.

One of my seminary teachers said this was his favorite OT story, it's just one-and-done. The book of Judges in general is just super interesting since it's just a bunch of people delivering Israel out of captivity oft through violent ways. I like the story of Jael being generous to Commander Sisera because he's like drinking buddies with her husband only to give him milk instead of water to drink and then impaled a tent peg through his skull. She had no spiritual reason to do so, was the thing, we don't even know what she thought of the war with the Israelites to begin with. It's possible she just never liked the man.

Of course, if the Israelites would've just stopped being little shits for longer than a few years, they wouldn't have been conquered so much.

It is a bit weird how he reacted to being seen naked with, "Fuck you I hope your son and all of his descendants are slaves to my other sons." I can see how someone might think that something else had to have happened to warrant that response, but things could've also just been different back then. I personally don't think he was raped, though, since the Bible probably would have specified. I think the extent of it was Ham probably saying, "Lol, dad's drunk and naked," to his brothers, and his brothers being like, "Kinda gay for you to be looking, ngl."

My mom has a theory it's not so much that Ham saw his father naked (because fathers and sons bathe together), it's that he saw his drunken elderly parents doing it and he had to be a gossiper about it.

Just imagine this fat fuck peeping in on his parents. You'd think his wife would be embarrassed about her husband's immaturity.

 

[Mad_Dog]

Of course, if the Israelites would've just stopped being little shits for longer than a few years, they wouldn't have been conquered so much.

The OT in a nutshell

 

[Kari Kamiya]

In Luke 4, after Jesus read a passage from Isaiah 61 in the synagogue, the image of him being tossed off a cliff only to offscreen teleport behind his naysayers makes me giggle 'cause he had to have used some kind of wormhole, or there was stopped time for that moment for him to slip away. I can only just imagine the dumbfounded looks on their faces as they look back and forth trying to figure out what happened.

 

[Imperial Citizen]

One thing that people need to understand about the Old Testament is that is the written version of oral traditions. A collaborative effort by ancient Israelites to preserve their history during the Babylonian captivity. That is why you see repeated stories of how God brought His wrath upon the Israelites when they disobeyed Him, when the followed false gods, and practiced foreign cultures. These stories follow up with the Israelites returning to worship God and reclaim their holy land.

It is also a blend of stories and myth cycles from Canaan and nearby regions. If you have ever heard of God having a wife, that’s because the Canaanite god, El, did. El, being one of the Hebrew names of God (literally meaning a god) had a wife by the name of Asherah. That name is used throughout the Old Testament, moreso in the beginning, suggesting that the Canaanite stories were incorporated into the Bible but as an evolution of monotheism.

 

[Sparkletor 2.0]

The weird parts stand out because of how rare they are and how beautiful the Bible is

Nah, dude. The whole thing must be weird if you didn't grow up hearing the stories.

 

[SNEED.EXE]

Just imagine this fat fuck peeping in on his parents. You'd think his wife would be embarrassed about her husband's immaturity.

 

[Dagoth AMOGUS]

Nah, dude. The whole thing must be weird if you didn't grow up hearing the stories.

Now you see why learning different religions is essential for k-12

 

[Elf Supremacist]

I don't know, I think God killing you for being hesitant about getting your brother's widow pregnant is a bit much. Old Testament was kind of wild.

A lot of modern scholars don't see it hesitancy as many of us moderns would feel about it. Most see it as being disobedient and not providing his brother and heir as was commanded of him. He kept spilling his seed so that he could continue to bang his sister-in-law. If he provides an heir then he doesn't get anymore sex from her. Also, he gets to claim his brother's birthright that would have gone to an heir, effectively doubling his birthright. Furthermore, Perez, the offspring of Judah and Tamar, are in the Messianic line and is Christ's ancestor.
@Agreeably4263 made a great point, we are all human and desperately need a savior, including OT figures of importance.

 

[Ignatius von Cistern]

The point of Genesis 38 is lost on us because of lack of context as well as later editions which jumbled what was probably a more coherent narrative. The point, I think is that Judah is ultimately responsible to carry out the will of God, at least in the confines of his own household. That will is that God's chosen procreate and follow God's law. The story presents us with a paradox: Tamar decieves Judah, a sin, and so is prostitution. Under different circumstances Judah would have to execute her, instead he deems her to be more righteous than he as the sum of her actions sees that his duty before God is fulfilled.

OT's editors kept the story because its importance was clear to them.

Religious cosplayers such as the muslims and LDS read this stuff and think incomrehensible=holy. Their narratives are often tedius because that is the level of theological sophistication of their writers and editors. This is not to say the Bible is therefore holier and more true, it's just that the Bible relies on a greater depth of tradition, preserving important narratives from earlier antiquity.

Quaran and Book of Mormon attempt to conjure up a tradition where previously there was none.