Weird Bible Stories

  • 🇵🇦 Nuestro primer dominio localizado está en español en kiwifarms.pa. Our first localized domain is on Spanish on kiwifarms.pa.
  • Want to keep track of this thread?
    Accounts can bookmark posts, watch threads for updates, and jump back to where you stopped reading.
    Create account
Destacado
Sparkletor 2.0 dijo:
Some kids bully make fun of a priest by calling him bald. The priest prays to God and a bear comes out of the woods and eats the kids.
Presiona para expandir...
It’s brigands mocking Elisha after Elijah is carried away to Heaven by a flaming chariot. They literally were going to kill him. They are mocking him because he’s Elijah’s assistant and lacks confidence in himself.

I always liked the part before Elijah is carried away. It’s Elisha refusing to leave Elijah’s side even though everyone tells him that Elijah leaves the world today (basically he thinks Elijah will die rather than be carried away by those freaky flaming wheel angels) and asking Elijah to give him some of his confidence so that he can carry on the work (Elijah responds by saying tall order).
 
Ughubughughughughughghlug dijo:
There is good reason to think “saw him naked” is a Mesopotamian euphemism for “raped him.”

But there is also a counterargument that there really was a massive nudity taboo in cultures of that region, too.
Presiona para expandir...
My assumption is that it literally was Noah being wasted and Ham being a dick. No rape, but just disrespect and finally calling over your siblings to mock him further.

Past the point of, ha ha. More mean spirited.
 
I think Noah kind of overreacted. His son seeing him naked was such a big deal. Like, bro, God just killed the entire planet. There's bigger things happening right now. I know you're God's chosen but it's not always all about you.
 
Jacob and Esue. Jacob tricks his blind father by wearing animal skins to receive his blessings, pretending to be his brother. He also denies food to his brother who has been out hunting, until he gives over his birthright. Mother is an accomplice in this as well, actually fucking over one son for the other.

When the father discovers the deception, he goes "oh well, too late now, you got me"

Jacob is supposed be the good guy in this story btw.
 
Town Drunk dijo:
Jacob and Esue. Jacob tricks his blind father by wearing animal skins to receive his blessings, pretending to be his brother. He also denies food to his brother who has been out hunting, until he gives over his birthright. Mother is an accomplice in this as well, actually fucking over one son for the other.

When the father discovers the deception, he goes "oh well, too late now, you got me"

Jacob is supposed be the good guy in this story btw.
Presiona para expandir...
Picking favorites runs in his family, apparently.
 
Town Drunk dijo:
Jacob and Esue. Jacob tricks his blind father by wearing animal skins to receive his blessings, pretending to be his brother. He also denies food to his brother who has been out hunting, until he gives over his birthright. Mother is an accomplice in this as well, actually fucking over one son for the other.

When the father discovers the deception, he goes "oh well, too late now, you got me"

Jacob is supposed be the good guy in this story btw.
Presiona para expandir...
To be fair, someone who willingly chooses a bowl of soup over their birthright doesn't deserve to keep it. It was probably a shit-test and Esau failed to notice.
 
Jesus walking down the road. He comes across a fig tree and he's like "I hate this tree. Die!" and he kills the tree for no reason.

Lot's daughters deciding to fuck their dad to get pregnant (?) or something.
 
Guns of the Gaytriots dijo:
As much as the Bible is used to guide the lives of countless Christians
Presiona para expandir...
It also includes the Hebrew bible, which is sacred to the Jews. It’s also been adopted by the Muslims. They, or rather, the Arabs, trace their origins back to Abraham’s eldest son.

Guns of the Gaytriots dijo:
The Book of Enoch, while weird in its own way, was rejected for being too weird.
Presiona para expandir...
Well, that book is part of the Ethiopian church’s canon. It’s the 14th book in their Old Testament. I like the idea of this thread, but perhaps you should have reworded this. Instead of saying “no Enoch”, maybe say, “specify when you’re talking about Apocrypha”.

You can also just check whether it’s apocryphal yourself. I assume that you mean mainstream, Nicene Christianity when you say “the Church”. That is, the Roman Catholic, the Eastern Orthodox, and many Protestant churches. The Nicene Creed doesn’t specify which books are canonical, but here’s a summary:

They all have the Old Testament. However, the Old Testament books may vary slightly depending on the tradition in question. For example, the Catholic and Orthodox churches include the Deuterocanonical books. For the New Testament, there is also considerable variation. Generally speaking, people go with the gospels.

  • Pentateuch (Torah): Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy
  • Historical Books: Joshua, Judges, Ruth, 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel, 1 Kings, 2 Kings, 1 Chronicles, 2 Chronicles, Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther
  • Wisdom Literature: Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon
  • Prophets: Isaiah, Jeremiah, Lamentations, Ezekiel, Daniel, and the Twelve Minor Prophets (e.g., Hosea, Amos, etc.)
  • Deuterocanonical books (also known as the Apocrypha in some Protestant traditions), such as Tobit, Judith, Wisdom of Solomon, Sirach (Ecclesiasticus), Baruch, 1 and 2 Maccabees, and additional parts of Esther and Daniel.
  1. Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, John
  2. Acts of the Apostles
  3. Epistles (Letters):
    • Pauline Letters: Romans, 1 Corinthians, 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1 Thessalonians, 2 Thessalonians, 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon
    • General Epistles: Hebrews, James, 1 Peter, 2 Peter, 1 John, 2 John, 3 John, Jude
  4. Apocalypse (Revelation)

As for all the “weird” stuff in the Bible… you might be reading it wrong. It’s not describing the lives of perfect people. It’s describing the story of people whose lives warrant discussion.
 
Guns of the Gaytriots dijo:
Onan feels weird about fucking his brother's widow, and doesn't get her pregnant, is thereafter killed by God because of it.
Presiona para expandir...
That's not what happened. First, that was custom, so he wouldn't feel weird about anything. Second, she agreed to have sex with him under the condition that he try to get her pregnant. He broke that condition. To have sex with someone after agreeing to do something specific, but then not doing it, is rape, since they did not consent having sex with you while you don't do that something. It would be rape, for example, for a woman to have sex with her boyfriend without being on birth control if he agreed to have sex only if she was on birth control.
So, in conclusion, Onan repeatedly raped Tamar and wanted to get the inheritance for himself, that's why God killed him.
 
Aquarius dijo:
It’s not describing the lives of perfect people. It’s describing the story of people whose lives warrant discussion.
Presiona para expandir...
Yes, and some of those people had weird and goofy things happen to them. Summoning bears from the forest to maul children because they called you bald is goofy in my opinion. Take for instance the story of Zacchaeus:
Jesus entered Jericho and was passing through. 2 A man was there by the name of Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was wealthy. 3 He wanted to see who Jesus was, but because he was short he could not see over the crowd. 4 So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree to see him, since Jesus was coming that way.

5 When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today.”6 So he came down at once and welcomed him gladly.

7 All the people saw this and began to mutter, “He has gone to be the guest of a sinner.”

8 But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord,“Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.”

9 Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. 10 For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”
Why was Zacchaeus described as short? He could've been just a regular-sized tax collector that Jesus picked out in the crowd.
You can approach this story in two ways:
  1. The story is metaphorical, in which case Luke chose to make Zacchaeus very short, to emphasize how sinful and disliked tax collectors were back then.
  2. The story is a literal historical account, in which case Zacchaeus really did need to climb a tree to see Jesus over the crowd.
The truth likely falls somewhere in between those two cases, but even then it's still funny. I end up at two conclusions:

The image of Luke writing, thinking to himself, "Jewish tax collectors are corrupt, traitors, and greedy. AND they're short, too. Take that, tax collectors."

Or:

A tiny man clambering up a sycamore tree because he can't see over the crowd. Jesus comes over and says, "What are you doing? Get down from there."

It's not diminishing the message, just finding humor in the way it was conveyed and people involved.

Aquarius dijo:
Well, that book is part of the Ethiopian church’s canon. It’s the 14th book in their Old Testament.
Presiona para expandir...
I didn't know this. I think we should include it then.
 
It is related in the Talmud that Rabbi Simeon ben Azzai found in Jerusalem an account wherein it was written that King Manasseh killed Isaiah. King Manasseh said to Isaiah "Moses, your master, said 'No man may see God and live';[55] but you have said 'I saw the Lord seated upon his throne'";[56] and went on to point out other contradictions—as between Deuteronomy[57] and Isaiah 40;[58] between Exodus 33[59] and 2 Kings[60] Isaiah thought: "I know that he will not accept my explanations; why should I increase his guilt?" He then uttered the tetragrammaton, a cedar-tree opened, and Isaiah disappeared within it. King Manasseh ordered the cedar to be sawn asunder, and when the saw reached his mouth Isaiah died; thus was he punished for having said "I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips".[61]

A somewhat different version of this legend is given in the Jerusalem Talmud.[62] According to that version Isaiah, fearing King Manasseh, hid himself in a cedar-tree, but his presence was betrayed by the fringes of his garment, and King Manasseh caused the tree to be sawn in half. A passage of the Targum to Isaiah quoted by Jolowicz[63] states that when Isaiah fled from his pursuers and took refuge in the tree, and the tree was sawn in half, the prophet's blood spurted forth. The legend of Isaiah's martyrdom spread to the Arabs[64] and to the Christians as, for example, Athanasius the bishop of Alexandria (c. 318) wrote, "Isaiah was sawn asunder".[65]
Presiona para expandir...
Not literally the Bible, more like Bible fanfiction, but this one's just so goofy idfk

It makes the prophets seem like Jedi knights
 
Destacado
Debes iniciar sesión o registrarte para responder aquí.
Atrás
Top Abajo