The Crow (2024) - Brandon Lee is spinning in his grave

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Here is my literal from memory transcription of the plot of the movie I watched while drunk and miserable after drinking with the homies at age 15. I am not referring to what wiki says or any synopsis/breakdown, this is legit all from memory

The kid from terminator 2 is girlfriends with some discount mexican skank from an injun reservation and i vaguely remember the injuns not liking it. Anyhoo he comes back home and his consuela bitch is being held captive by the guy who plays Angel in buffy and Tara Reid and i cant member if she gets raped or not but either way she loses her eyes which Tara Reid eats or inhales and then become her eyes. Im pretty sure its part of some like satanic apocalypse plan involving some shitty church in the desert and Angel from buffy is the antichrist or something....oh yeah he and terminator kid were bros in prison or something but thats not really relevent.

Anyway terminator kid gets killed and a burd shits on his corpse or something which brings him back from the dead and causes him to dress up like some scuffed Cradle of Filth groupie. the injuns still hate him, especially the injun elders. He goes to some two bit rave with Angel from buffy and proceeds to get the shit kicked out of him. This repeats several times throughout the movie. Eventually they get tired of kicking the shit out of him and kill the burd who brought him back to life....like a bunch of other stuff happened but it was so inconsequential and forgettable I legit cannot remember a second of it.

After the burd dies and he dies Angel from buffy and Tara Reid head off to aforementioned church to....I dont fucking know. The injun elders find the burd and naturally they all decide to take their shirts off and twerk over it, which naturally returns it to life. terminator kid naruto runs to the church and eventually kills Angel from buffy. Tara reid realises the apocalypse aint happening so immidiately picks up a bible and starts praying to jebus. Terminator kid crawls back into his grave or something.

THE END.

As I said before...I legit typed all this out in one go without checking the actual story well over a decade after watching it the only time. I will now proceed to the wikipedia page to see how well I did
James "Jimmy" Cuervo, paroled after serving a prison sentence for killing a rapist in a fight, lives with his dog in a mobile home in Lake Ravasu on the Raven Aztec reservation. Jimmy plans to start a new life with his girlfriend, Lily, and permanently leave the town, but her father, pastor Harold, and brother, local cop Tanner, both despise Jimmy.

The town is home to a Satanic biker gang led by escaped convict Luc "Death" Crash and his fiancée Lola Byrne. Along with their three confederates "Pestilence", "Famine" and "War", Luc and Lola murder the pair in a brutal ritual that they hope will reawaken the Antichrist, which includes removing Lily's eyes — bestowing precognitive powers upon Lola — and Jimmy's heart. They dump the bodies inside an old freezer.

The Crow then appears and revives Jimmy, who discovers his newfound invincibility after attempting to shoot himself. He takes Lily's body and leaves it on her bed so it can be found. Tanner and Harold find the body and assume Jimmy killed Lily.

On the night of a local festivity, Jimmy dons a gothic costume and make-up he wore to the celebration a previous year. He finds and kills Pestilence in a bar. He then seizes the hearse carrying Lily's body, and buries her near the tree where he carved a love symbol for them both. Jimmy goes to a casino and kills Famine in front of Luc. During an ensuing fight between Jimmy and Luc, the crow, Jimmy's power source, is injured, thereby weakening Jimmy. Tanner finds and accuses Jimmy of killing Lily, but Jimmy shows Tanner telepathically what really happened.

Luc and Lola visit El Niño, the head of their order, at a Catholic church which has been abandoned by Christians and has been modified for use by the satanic cult. Tanner and Harold and a group of men assemble outside to confront them. As El Niño is performing the marriage ceremony that will bring Luc closer to the power he craves, Jimmy, Tanner, Harold, and the other men arrive and shoot War. El Niño completes the ceremony as Jimmy enters the church. Luc, now a host for Lucifer himself telekinetically hangs Jimmy from a cross, while Lola kills El Niño. Luc and Lola leave the church and head to a nearby graveyard where they must consummate their ritual before sunrise in order for Lucifer to fully manifest.

Harold, Tanner, and the others free Jimmy, who tells them the crow is dying. To heal the bird and restore Jimmy's powers, Harold performs the Crow Dance. Weakened, Jimmy heads to the graveyard and stops Luc from having sex with Lola. Luc and Jimmy engage in a fight and the revived crow returns, restoring Jimmy's invulnerability. The sun rises, halting Luc's ritual. Jimmy then kills Luc by impaling him on a wooden spike and cutting his throat. Lola loses her sight and unsuccessfully attempts repentance by praying to the Virgin Mary, but it is too late; Harold apprehends her and takes her to prison. Jimmy and Lily's spirits find each other in the afterlife.
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Holy hell I actually got most the shit right!

This has officially been the most invested in the crow franchise I have ever been in my life or will ever be.
 
Judge Holden dijo:
The kid from terminator 2 is girlfriends with some discount mexican skank from an injun reservation and i vaguely remember the injuns not liking it. Anyhoo he comes back home and his consuela bitch is being held captive by the guy who plays Angel in buffy and Tara Reid and i cant member if she gets raped or not but either way she loses her eyes which Tara Reid eats or inhales and then become her eyes. Im pretty sure its part of some like satanic apocalypse plan involving some shitty church in the desert and Angel from buffy is the antichrist or something....oh yeah he and terminator kid were bros in prison or something but thats not really relevent.

Anyway terminator kid gets killed and a burd shits on his corpse or something which brings him back from the dead and causes him to dress up like some scuffed Cradle of Filth groupie. the injuns still hate him, especially the injun elders. He goes to some two bit rave with Angel from buffy and proceeds to get the shit kicked out of him. This repeats several times throughout the movie. Eventually they get tired of kicking the shit out of him and kill the burd who brought him back to life....like a bunch of other stuff happened but it was so inconsequential and forgettable I legit cannot remember a second of it.

After the burd dies and he dies Angel from buffy and Tara Reid head off to aforementioned church to....I dont fucking know. The injun elders find the burd and naturally they all decide to take their shirts off and twerk over it, which naturally returns it to life. terminator kid naruto runs to the church and eventually kills Angel from buffy. Tara reid realises the apocalypse aint happening so immidiately picks up a bible and starts praying to jebus. Terminator kid crawls back into his grave or something.

THE END.
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I didn't even know that one existed. Holy hell that's retarded. As much as I like Eddie Furlong before he got too fucked up I sure as hell ain't watching that mess unless it's so bad it's epic.
 
Quarterback Rex Grossman dijo:
I've seen him three movies and he's been meh to shit in all of them. I'm starting to think it's not the material. He's like that Swedish guy who was in the Robocop remake who for some reason talks like a Detroit wigger.
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The Eggers Nosferatu flick is gonna make or break him. He was cast on The Crow just because of the IT movies and the SPOOPY SKARY SKELLINGTON visual aesthetic he had there.

I like Eggers but I don't believe he'll one up Herzog. I do think Skaarsgard will do a good job as an actor in all of the above. It's not his fault, everything about movies right now just sucks.

I saw the Momoa screen test footage recently and man. As much as I hate that guy, he could have killed it. Him and Steve Norrington could have made a modern classic, but that's lost forever.
 
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Judge Holden dijo:
Wait I thought it was furlong....*checks wiki* yeah it was furlong. Pretty sure I memba thinking at the time "huh....guess this is where his careers at now"
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Wait...But I could have..Holy fuck, did my DVD case was wrong? 'cause it listed John Connors friend as one playing the crow and not Furlong.
 
The tired cat dijo:
Nonono, it was def the 4th one. I honestly dont get how this mixed up. Fuck, someone really didnt give a shit when they made that DVD, then again cant blame 'em
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Why would they give a fuck about the DVD packaging when they didnt give a fuck about the whole damn project.

You can substitute absolute ineptitude for giving a fuck if you are feeling less generous.
 
Judge Holden dijo:
Wait I thought it was furlong....*checks wiki* yeah it was furlong. Pretty sure I memba thinking at the time "huh....guess this is where his careers at now"
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The other kid in T2 was Danny Cooksey. He was the voice of Stoop Kid on Hey Arnold amongst other things.
 
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