Network Printers are the legitimate Satan - Error: Printer not detected

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Moths

Moths

Buzz Buzz
kiwifarms.net
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8 de Dic, 2020
Fuck Canon, Fuck Epson, fuck any budget network printer, fuck any printer that doesn't come with a screen, fuck any printer that doesn't come with a comprehensive manual detailing every possible combination of flashing lights or even print out a fucking status page, fuck any printer that doesn't have a proper factory reset, fuck every pajeet who works in support and makes their support YouTube videos, fuck printers that you cant set network settings through a USB connection and have to do it "wirelessly", fuck WPS for just being an insecure piece of shit, fuck printer software developers, fuck printers in general for being unresponsive, temperamental, inflexible pieces of shit who will disconnect from any network at its earliest opportunity and always require some pain in the ass solution after talking to a pajeet for an hour or at the bottom of a forum post from 2001.

thanks for reading my blog, do you have negative printer encounters?
 
Printers do suck in general. It's amazing to me that drivers still suck as much as they do.

Is your shit disconnecting from wifi? I'm guessing so. I hate using Wifi for shit like that. I still prefer wired as much as possible. Wifi on embedded devices like that almost always sucks.
 
Sam Losco dijo:
Printers do suck in general. It's amazing to me that drivers still suck as much as they do.

Is your shit disconnecting from wifi? I'm guessing so. I hate using Wifi for shit like that. I still prefer wired as much as possible. Wifi on embedded devices like that almost always sucks.
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yeah its just refusing to communicate with the router since the wifi credentials changed, luckily deleteing and reinstalling everything seems to have worked this time
 
Bought a used laser printer for 30 bucks from an office clearance.

Understands Postscript and every classic printer network protocol and has ethernet, USB, and a parallel port interface.
No driver problems under Linux or Windows. Even my old Amiga could probably print on it.
 
While my information is now years old, as in they're still in service including my almost decade and a half old one, may I suggest Brother laser printers with wired connections? Maybe they're no longer good, and most of my experience with them is Linux and CUPS, but my mother uses Windows, and all have been happen once they got out of budget inkject hell. But still wired, adding WiFi complexity and visibility has always struck me as a bad idea.

Only thing to watch out for is that the cheaper ones came with a small toner cartridge, you just have to budget for a big/normal size one fairly soon.
 
@Moths I have many negative printer encounters, but my all-time worst involved a huge, ancient Konica-Minolta Bizhub-type office printer from the early 2000s. Said device decided to shit itself 20 minutes before a FedEx deadline when I needed to print a shipping label and send a document production to legal counsel. It looked a lot like this, but more ancient, decrepit, and full of hate:

1629597899700.png


Imagine sending a Fedex label to this hog of a machine from your desk at 8:05PM, then hopping up and running through the cubicle farm to go fetch it and slap it onto the box full of Important Files for Angry Federal Agency Lawyers. You reach the printer room and glance at the output tray.

There is no label. There is, however, the Flashing Red Light of Hate on the console.

Paper jam.

You swear violently on reflex and then are glad the department director isn't still in the office to hear that NSFW language you just used very loudly. You pop open the shell of the printer to try to retrieve and extract the offending sheet -- it can't be that bad, right?

Wrong. Inside these hulking hate-beasts it is dripping with ink and layers of razor-sharp steel claws for gripping and guiding the paper. It is also hotter than hell to help set the ink. It is absolutely stickerbombed with lots of exciting warning labels involving words like "serious burns" or "severe laceration danger", with all those cute little warning icons of hands being shredded.

You gaze for a moment at this medieval deathtrap as a drop of ink runs down the steel like demon's blood. The very tail end of the trapped, mauled paper sticks out at you, like the hand of a drowning victim begging for help as they slip beneath the surface of the waves.

Do you dare?

You remember that you just started working here a few months ago, and that a workplace injury claim would be a really bad start to things, and say "Fuck you, save yourself" to the jammed paper. A tech who gets paid to deal with this and who has very heavy safety gloves can get this mess later.

Instead, you temporarily "borrow" the secretary's small, personal printer from the front office to print your label, and then run like hell to catch Fedex.

Mission accomplished, your fingers are all intact, everyone is happy. Except for the Konica Satan Printer and the jammed paper, I suppose, but who cares about them.

~ Fin ~
 
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i'm honestly surprised how much fondness i have for 90s printers because of this shit; remember when you had to screw it into the pc and into the printer port?

you didn't have to use an install disk or constantly update. it was great. godhelp you if you needed ink though also they took 5 minutes per page but neither of those things matter really

honestly its at the point where its easier to just print shit at fedexkinkos again. never in my life has a printer worked for me ever.
 
Did you turn it off, wait 45 seconds, then turn it back on?

As far as negative printer encounters, I had a cat, who was a complete bitch, and had this fetish for trying to shove the paper back into the printer as it was printing. I never thought much of it over the years. "How can a cat harm a printer just by poking at it?" Well, come to find out, it is absolutely possible for a cat to assassinate a printer just by pawing at it. I was trying to print something random out, cat comes running, once again attempts to shove the papers back into the printer. Somehow, right at the moment when it was trying to drop the page it just finished printing and suck up a blank one, she actually managed to do it, she shoved a bunch of paper back inside of the printer. As a result the printer suddenly makes a horrendous noise that sends the cat running and makes me swear.

I go over figuring it is just a paper jam, but quickly realize it is somehow much worse. The printer starts beeping like mad, flashing a red light at me, the screen on it says something about a serious error, and the paper that is jammed in it absolutely refuses to release. I fuck with it, getting little bits and pieces of paper out over the next 10 minutes while the printer continues to have a mental breakdown, and seeing I'm not getting anywhere, I decide to power cycle the printer. Given how things turned out, I don't thinking doing this ended up making any difference, but it also didn't help matters any. I turn it off, wait, turn it back on, and it makes that god awful sound again. Accompanying that noise is a very high pitched whirring that doesn't stop. The printer shits itself again and goes back to the red light, beeping, and "Serious Error" screen. I continue to slowly pull tiny pieces of paper out of the printer until I've just fucking had enough (My temper does indeed have its limits. The tempers in my family, which I can document going back at least 4 generations, are slightly infamous; they are actually well known among the various denizens of the small shit hole where I live). I grab the paper and just give it everything I have. I manage to dislodge a decent chunk of paper. I feel a slight sense of accomplishment. Then the printer suddenly starts gushing ink. Apparently the paper was trapped under the print head, and I had just snapped it off, leaving part of it stuck in the cartridge, which was now emptying itself all over the printer. Watching the ink gush from the printer I had a sincere sense that, like having a patient hemorrhaging uncontrollably on the table, I was totally fucked.

I broke out my tools to do a techopsy (which is the IT version of a autopsy for dead equipment) on the corpse and after a short while it became obvious that the way the paper was jammed, without dissembling the majority of the machine, there would have been no way to remove the paper that wouldn't result in the fantastic death of said printer. I mourned the loss for about 10 seconds, cursed the name of my cat at the top of my lungs combined with threats of bodily harm, and then set about ordering a new printer, a laser this time, since I was certain it was cat proof. So far said cat has not managed to kill the laser printer... yet.
 
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