Motherhood & Parenting Thread - AKA: Why is my daughter eating my chapstick?

[Castoreum]

In the FB group I actually got exhausted by the moms who post about what trainwrecks they are,

I made a new FB account to check out local kid-appropriate happenings after not having one for 10 years. I tried out some mom groups but got the ick when I got into a group with no proof I was an actual mother. Then the group itself was full of women posting pics of their kid's body parts asking for medical advice. I imagined all the creeps lurking and noped tf out.

I deleted it a few weeks later cuz of people like that. Also encountered rude and entitled extended family and a friend whose mental issues seemed to have amplified with social media use. I'd rather learn about events by word of mouth... and talk to family and friends face-to-face.

Social media, man... not even once.

 

[Froggy Fresh Sextape]

Well, I tried local mum Facebook groups and they were all insane battlegrounds where insane women vied for power whilst pushing MLMs and insane parenting strategies.
Then I tried the local free playgroups and baby classes and again, they were all full of insane women vying for power whilst pushing quasi religious ideologies and essential oils.

Our parish has a young moms group that's okay. It's not really "churchy" it's just hanging out. For new moms here I'd kinda maybe suggest that.

You have to be Catholic (or considering becoming Catholic) to attend so that might cut down on insane shit since there's a barrier to entry.

I would definitely stay away from FB mom groups though like I have never seen more unhinged shit in my life. Did you know the vitamin K shot turns your baby into a literal robot

 

[Unnecessary Surgery Land]

there's this kid that's started attacking my kid at preschool.
met the mom. she's a pooner. one of the 'we don't use the word 'no'' types.

fuck my life. I pulled my kid out.

anyway, I cannot find sane moms around me. not a single fucking one.
I can't be the only somewhat sane mom out here, I'm starting to lose it.

 

[Otterly]

there's this kid that's started attacking my kid at preschool.
met the mom. she's a pooner. one of the 'we don't use the word 'no'' types.

fuck my life. I pulled my kid out.

anyway, I cannot find sane moms around me. not a single fucking one.
I can't be the only somewhat sane mom out here, I'm starting to lose it.

Are you in a big city? It does sometimes feel like sanity is lacking, doesn’t it?

 

[Unnecessary Surgery Land]

Are you in a big city? It does sometimes feel like sanity is lacking, doesn’t it?

I’m a few hours from a big city and am getting the run offs of those who can no longer afford to live in it.

It’s becoming unbearable in the parent scene. I don’t know how this many FtMs can just be crawling all over the place.

The park the other day- a pooner parent. My preschool, an unrelated pooner parent.

considering moving but I like the physical environment here… just hate the social climate beyond belief

 

[InstituteCutie 2415]

I’m a few hours from a big city and am getting the run offs of those who can no longer afford to live in it.

It’s becoming unbearable in the parent scene. I don’t know how this many FtMs can just be crawling all over the place.

The park the other day- a pooner parent. My preschool, an unrelated pooner parent.

considering moving but I like the physical environment here… just hate the social climate beyond belief

That's unsurprising that there are so many, a lot of pooners for some reason think that once they start T their periods stop (they don't) and that therefore they cannot get pregnant (they can) so then they have unprotected sex thinking they can't get pregnant and surprise! It's a baby (plus possibly an STD).

 

[high and tired]

Question for the kiwi moms, specifically those who didn’t have that “maternal” feeling before the first kid, does the feeling or mentality ever kick in? If so, when did it happen? Was it like a lightbulb that switched on one day?

 

[Flipendo]

That's unsurprising that there are so many, a lot of pooners for some reason think that once they start T their periods stop (they don't) and that therefore they cannot get pregnant (they can) so then they have unprotected sex thinking they can't get pregnant and surprise! It's a baby (plus possibly an STD).

That's true, but the mental backflips they need in order to justify how you can carry a child to term but still be a totally valid man are just insane. Surely you'd think most of them would abort to avoid the mental anguish? Furthermore, one would assume that growing in the cesspits of a womb swamped with testosterone would fuck up a baby. I guess that's either not the case or they don't give a fuck?

 

[Milkweed]

Question for the kiwi moms, specifically those who didn’t have that “maternal” feeling before the first kid, does the feeling or mentality ever kick in? If so, when did it happen? Was it like a lightbulb that switched on one day?

are you pregnant or do you have a young one? I loved my baby right away of course but honestly the traumatic c section was hard on me and getting used to being needed 24/7 immediately after that experience was very hard. I would imagine that most first time moms are, for awhile, in a state of adjusting to the new life after a long pregnancy and intense birth. I think it’s normal to not immediately be able to fully appreciate your little babe. After a few months they start showing their unique personality more and it becomes more fun to get to know them, as they are discovering themselves.

I do believe the bond grows stronger as you are together longer on the outside. It is a big change to have your first child and there are a lot of feelings that come along with it. You hang in there through the hard times in the beginning and start reaping the rewards more as your child grows.

 

[InstituteCutie 2415]

That's true, but the mental backflips they need in order to justify how you can carry a child to term but still be a totally valid man are just insane. Surely you'd think most of them would abort to avoid the mental anguish? Furthermore, one would assume that a child growing in the cesspits of a womb swamped with testosterone would fuck up a baby. I guess that's either not the case or they don't give a fuck?

They don't give a fuck, in many cases they barely even follow basic pregnancy guidelines, especially if they're told to stop the T; they'll just lower the dose thinking it'll be exactly the same. A surprising amount of them also believe for some reason that if they want to breastfeed but have already had a double mastectomy that they can stop testosterone and just take estrogen and that their breasts will magically grow back.

 

[Forgive Me Im Retarded]

Question for the kiwi moms, specifically those who didn’t have that “maternal” feeling before the first kid, does the feeling or mentality ever kick in? If so, when did it happen? Was it like a lightbulb that switched on one day?

It varies person to person. Some get attached while pregnant, for some it’s like a switch at birth, and sometimes you get some that feel that their newborns are just a blob that drains you, until they grow and you find yourself protective and possessive because that’s YOUR kid (and other kids can still gtfo).

I would say let it come naturally because you might find that you never got that bell in your head or pain in your heart at them, but you’ll still have love for them. You’ll feel protective, or concerned for them, or just wanting them to be happy and grow well.

Sorry if it sounds sappy but I hope it helps in some way to know that not feeling immediately gushy about a crying poop machine suddenly in your life does not mean a woman failed or is un-motherly, some people just have different tolerance and affection displays. Sometimes the connection takes a while, and sometimes you just don’t click until your offspring actually shows some sentient personhood (and I don’t meant to imply any specific sentiments you might be feeling, im just covering bases of what I’ve seen other moms go through)

 

[Brenda Holiday]

Question for the kiwi moms, specifically those who didn’t have that “maternal” feeling before the first kid, does the feeling or mentality ever kick in? If so, when did it happen? Was it like a lightbulb that switched on one day?

I never felt that instinctual maternal feeling I've seen some people describe. The best advice I was ever given is that your baby is a stranger and it will take time to learn who they are. Just because you shared a body for 9 months means nothing, you're still seeing their face for the first time. I often wonder if mine being taken to the nicu immediately had any effect. I actually think I'd still feel the same. I also think more women feel similarly but are afraid of being judged. Lot of moms out there that take any excuse to put another mom down to make themselves sound like supermommy.

 

[EmoMom]

They don't give a fuck, in many cases they barely even follow basic pregnancy guidelines, especially if they're told to stop the T; they'll just lower the dose thinking it'll be exactly the same. A surprising amount of them also believe for some reason that if they want to breastfeed but have already had a double mastectomy that they can stop testosterone and just take estrogen and that their breasts will magically grow back.

I know women who have had reductions, so not even chopping off the entire breast, and struggled to produce milk. Breastfeeding is difficult enough as is, thinking you’ll be able to produce when lacking breasts entirely is delusional. I really want to get mine done (simple lift and implants to replace the volume I’ve lost) but I’m waiting until I’m absolutely positive I’m done having kids because I don’t want to risk losing that ability

 

[Catto Gatto]

Does anyone have advice on where to meet mom friends with young children? I am pregnant with my second and really struggling with all the emotions and what’s to come, along with taking care of my toddler and all my animals. I think it would help me a lot to get out of the house and have someone to talk to. And it would be good for my kid to interact with other kids. But as an introvert weirdo I really don’t know where to start. Where did you guys meet fellow moms?

I’ve had really good luck meeting people in various classes. I first went to a newborn class at a place called “new mom school,” then later 2 different baby gymnastics classes, kindermusik, and I’ve even made friends at a free breastfeeding support group. Check what’s in your area, and stay away from the mom groups on Facebook because they tend to attract the worst kinds of people. I made a pretty major effort to put myself out there because I would have gone insane otherwise. Also check your local library for support groups and baby story time!

Anyway, does anyone else have issues with grandma and grandpa? I am currently not speaking to my parents because my mom got absolutely shitfaced (day drinking / binging in secret) while she was watching my 11 month old daughter back in January, screamed at me and my husband and cursed us out for checking in on things, passed out on the guest bed and then denied most of it the next day. Dad is acting like this was just a minor slip up and wants us to pretend it never happened. They’re both absolutely delusional. My in laws are dead so we have zero help now. This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through

 

[Forgive Me Im Retarded]

I’ve had really good luck meeting people in various classes. I first went to a newborn class at a place called “new mom school,” then later 2 different baby gymnastics classes, kindermusik, and I’ve even made friends at a free breastfeeding support group. Check what’s in your area, and stay away from the mom groups on Facebook because they tend to attract the worst kinds of people. I made a pretty major effort to put myself out there because I would have gone insane otherwise. Also check your local library for support groups and baby story time!

Anyway, does anyone else have issues with grandma and grandpa? I am currently not speaking to my parents because my mom got absolutely shitfaced (day drinking / binging in secret) while she was watching my 11 month old daughter back in January, screamed at me and my husband and cursed us out for checking in on things, passed out on the guest bed and then denied most of it the next day. Dad is acting like this was just a minor slip up and wants us to pretend it never happened. They’re both absolutely delusional. My in laws are dead so we have zero help now. This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through

No I get that totally (and I’m sorry if I’m shitting up the threat a lot, I just relate a lot to these)

I cut my mother out for a lot of the same reason (she was always an abusive drunk, it never got better, and now we are only somewhat talking on the phone because I moved halfway across the country).

It comes down to protecting your immediate family, and it’s totally fine and fair to have that boundary.

I always justified it that there are 10 billion people in the world, I can block out a few who honestly have hurt me and my family.

You might change your mind in time, or the kids will grow and you might feel like you can handle opening the door to your mother again under certain circumstances. There are scenarios where you will miss your window to reconnect, and you should really explore with yourself if you can accept that.

Because honestly, a clean break is easier. It’s when you go back and forth in your decision that it hurts you and it can hurt the kids (when/as they grow) to see you hurting about it.

 

[Milkweed]

Creating boundaries with your parents once you have your own children can be really hard. Especially if you have had a close (even if slightly dysfunctional) relationship with them throughout your life. I love my mom and she’s a smart, hardworking woman. But she is incapable of admitting she is wrong even about the smallest things. And she’s annoying and loud about it too. I know she loves me but her way of “encouraging me” is to be highly critical and even mean sometimes. I, being a more thoughtful and humble person, can see now that it is a reflection of her own insecurities and issues rather than a truth about who I am. For a long time it really held me back hearing her voice in my head whenever I had an idea to be better.

Sorry, I say all that because now that I have my own family, I will no longer tolerate or internalize her behavior towards me. She’s started saying things about how I need to parent my son and I’m just like (in such a word) “No. you are not going to convince me to not follow my intuition with my son with your jaded and judgmental ways.” This is one thing I will not allow her to bully me about.

The unfortunate thing is that my parents live five minutes away from me and I would love to be able to entrust my child with them to give myself a break sometimes. And to have a closer relationship with my mother to talk about mothering stuff. But again she is judgmental of me over the most unnecessary things and I don’t want to have to be harsh with her about how much her opinions piss me off. Or feel worse about myself after spending time with her. And I just don’t particularly like the way they interact with my son. It’s not terrible by any means, but it’s not the way I interact with him and he’s at an age where consistency is important for his behavior. I have a lot of issues that I believe stem from the way they parented me so I don’t want him developing the same issues. They are fine to watch him for a few hours at a time occasionally but I have accepted that I’ll never be able to comfortably leave him with them for an extended period of time.

Sorry to rant everyone, I just really empathize with you Cato Gatto even if my situation is not the same. When you have your own family you have to prioritize the well being of your little unit, and as much as you love your parents, you may have to set boundaries. For me that has been hard and uncomfortable due to the dynamic of our relationship my whole life. And it sucks that you won’t get as much help as some people get from their parents/family. That’s something I’m sad about. I also have no help from in-laws. But I’d rather not have the extra help if it means I can protect my son from being around influences that helped to shape me into the messed up person I grew into.

 

[Castoreum]

I’ve had really good luck meeting people in various classes. I first went to a newborn class at a place called “new mom school,” then later 2 different baby gymnastics classes, kindermusik, and I’ve even made friends at a free breastfeeding support group. Check what’s in your area, and stay away from the mom groups on Facebook because they tend to attract the worst kinds of people. I made a pretty major effort to put myself out there because I would have gone insane otherwise. Also check your local library for support groups and baby story time!

Anyway, does anyone else have issues with grandma and grandpa? I am currently not speaking to my parents because my mom got absolutely shitfaced (day drinking / binging in secret) while she was watching my 11 month old daughter back in January, screamed at me and my husband and cursed us out for checking in on things, passed out on the guest bed and then denied most of it the next day. Dad is acting like this was just a minor slip up and wants us to pretend it never happened. They’re both absolutely delusional. My in laws are dead so we have zero help now. This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through

I cut off my mom (my father is in heaven) for her continuing atrocious behavior long before I got pregnant. Her behavior disgusted me beyond anything I can imagine, so I have no intention of reconnecting. I understand some people are able to reconnect with their parents after time passes, but I cannot.

Consider what's best for you.

There's an ongoing trend of estranged parents bullying NC adult children on social media for kicks. Don't let that guilt you into subjecting yourself to unpleasant family.

 

[Otterly]

Dad is acting like this was just a minor slip up and wants us to pretend it never happened.

This stuff is so hard to deal with. I am all for keeping the door open in many cases but there’s a point where physical danger (or severe emotional danger) is too risky. If you can see them with you around then ok but she can’t be looking after a child when she’s so drunk she passes out.
It’s a hard thing to deal with. Becoming a mum I think gives you a different perspective on your own childhood. I am much more forgiving of some of the things that have irked me about my childhood, because with this lens I can see they were doing all they could with the emotional tools they had after poor upbringings themselves . And yet other things I’m much LESS forgiving of.
You have to do what’s best for your own family. I’m generally forgiving and I have eased over quite a few things in my own in law relationships and parents and siblings because while I dislike their behaviour, life is short and it doesn’t damage the kids. I’ve tried to distinguish between things that piss me off and things that could harm the kids. So opinions, asshole behaviour and comments towards me, politics etc i just ignore. But other things can damage them, and you’re the best judge of that. Nobody drinking like that would be watching my kids, even now they’re older. it IS tough having no nearby family support

 

[Catto Gatto]

This stuff is so hard to deal with. I am all for keeping the door open in many cases but there’s a point where physical danger (or severe emotional danger) is too risky. If you can see them with you around then ok but she can’t be looking after a child when she’s so drunk she passes out.
It’s a hard thing to deal with. Becoming a mum I think gives you a different perspective on your own childhood. I am much more forgiving of some of the things that have irked me about my childhood, because with this lens I can see they were doing all they could with the emotional tools they had after poor upbringings themselves . And yet other things I’m much LESS forgiving of.
You have to do what’s best for your own family. I’m generally forgiving and I have eased over quite a few things in my own in law relationships and parents and siblings because while I dislike their behaviour, life is short and it doesn’t damage the kids. I’ve tried to distinguish between things that piss me off and things that could harm the kids. So opinions, asshole behaviour and comments towards me, politics etc i just ignore. But other things can damage them, and you’re the best judge of that. Nobody drinking like that would be watching my kids, even now they’re older. it IS tough having no nearby family support

If this were an isolated incident I could just accept that the visits need to be supervised and be done with it. But the biggest issue is that in the aftermath, instead of taking responsibility they’ve turned my husband into a scapegoat (“he was rude to her, he triggered her to drink!” Etc.) and my mom has gone so far as to make up ridiculous lies about him. So he isn’t comfortable being around either of them right now. They also live on the other side of the country, so it’s not like I can just take her to visit them without him. I have been trying so hard to fix this. Busted my ass to find a family counselor that could work with us in both of our respective states. Then they refused to continue with family therapy after only one session. No reason for this was given when I pressed them, so I have to assume they didn’t appreciate the therapist calling them out. The whole situation is a mess and I have no idea what to do. There’s no one to back me up because my enabling dad has been the only other target of her abuse, and they’ve demonized my husband to the point I’ve had to remove him from the situation for now. Sorry for the rant, it’s just killing me

 

[Froggy Fresh Sextape]

This stuff is so hard to deal with. I am all for keeping the door open in many cases but there’s a point where physical danger (or severe emotional danger) is too risky. If you can see them with you around then ok but she can’t be looking after a child when she’s so drunk she passes out.

Yeah the physical safety thing is where I draw the line.

My MIL has a TBI from a car crash and became prone to violent outbursts. Like literally fighting people. I didn't want that to be normalized for my kids and I didn't want my kids to be in danger, and it sucked because she obviously can't help it, but what else are you gonna do?