let's write Family Guy jokes

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Lois: Peetah, tell that ambulance chasing lawyer I don't wanna sue!
Peter: Ah, come on, Lois, it can't be any worse than that time we hired Michael Cohen.
 
Lois: Peetah! Why does the [bleep] you took in the bathroom smell so bad?! I'm having a hard time breathing in here!

Peter: You think that's bad? Eh. It can't be any worse than the time I killed myself in the Japanese Suicide Forest.

[cutaway to Peter in the suicide forest, which is littered with dead bodies all over the place]

Peter: [tying a noose on a tree around his neck] Oh, please, God, end me! I don't want to live in a world where the Kardashians are still famous! [kicks the chair he's standing on, then turns purple as he's struggling]

[Logan Paul and his butt buddies, one of whom is holding a camera and filming him, enter the scene]

Logan Paul: Oh, my God, a [bleep]ing dead person, you guys! This isn't a [bleep]ing joke, bro! It's a [bleep]ing dead person!

[they then leave]

[the tree Peter hanged himself on falls down, causing Peter to make gasping noises]

Peter: God dammit!
 
*Brian walks in with a new human girlfriend*
Chris: Hey Dad, how come we never got Brian fixed?
Peter: Chris, Brian's a liberal. He doesn't need fixin'.
Stewie: Tell that to our mutant children.

---

Lois: The jury is in, Peetah. We're just not funny anymore.
Peter: Man, this is more devastating than the time I found out Bill Cosby was a rapist.
*flashback of Peter having his trousers pulled down by Cosby*
Cosby: C'mon Peter, lemme get a lick o' that puddin' pop!
Peter: OH GOD, THIS REALLY IS TERRIBLE. MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP! *crying*
 
Última edición:
"you think that's bad? this is worse than the time I was recruited by ISIS"

*flashback to Peter in a tent with ISIS members*

Terrorist: So what are you capable of?

Peter: I can make dad noises.

*the two look at each other in silence for 25 minutes*
 
Peter: Hey Lois remember the time *insert pop culture reference or action* at *insert setting here*
*Insert cutaway here*
*Rinse and repeat for 20 years*
*Profit*
 
Lois: Peetah! Why did you put all of our savings to the stocks of Asylum films?!?
Peter: Don't worry honey, Quagmire said we would be rich in a fear months with their new movie release
Lois: Well what is the name of this so called masterpiece?
Peter: Well Quagmire said they would be remaking his favorite movie "Salo: the 120 days of sodomy"
 
Lois: Peter you did drop Stewie off at the doctors for his check up?
Peter: Yep ... Well sort of.
Lois: What do you mean sort of?
Peter: Well I forgot to pay the health insurance this month, so I took Stewie to a much cheaper doctor.
Lois: And what doctor did you bring him to exactly?
[Cuts to Stewie at Quahog Veterinarian talking to some random dog]
Stewie: You know my dog comes to this exact vet, you ever run into him?
Random Dog: Bark bark bark bark? Bark bark bark bark bark.
Stewie: What are you refering to him as female or the other thing?
 
Brian vomits into Meg's open mouth, the licks up the vomit. Steve enters the room "well well well, Brian, it seems Meg is no longer a virgin!" - cut scene where Quagmire says "It's a German Kiss".
 
Ass eating cunt dijo:
Lois: Peetah! Why did you put all of our savings to the stocks of Asylum films?‽
Peter: Don't worry honey, Quagmire said we would be rich in a fear months with their new movie release
Lois: Well what is the name of this so called masterpiece?
Peter: Well Quagmire said they would be remaking his favorite movie "Salo: the 120 days of sodomy"
Presiona para expandir...
Okay that punchline is pretty funny.
Which is what Family Guy isn't
 
Family Guy Writer #1: Oh shit, we wasted the entire week smoking weed and watching popular movies again!
Family Guy Writer #2: It's okay, we'll just do what we always do in these situations.
Family Guy Writer #1: And you think that'll work?

Later...

Peter: Hey Lois, remember the time I fought the giant chicken for 25 straight minutes?
 
Joke #1
Peter: Hey Lois, remember the time I hung out with George Takei?

(Cut to Peter and George Takei sitting on a bench)

George: Donald Trump is a rapist, now suck my cock!
Peter: You gotta beam me up, first!
George: Peter, I’m not the one who played Scotty.
(Peter farts for no reason)

Joke #2
Lois: Petah, why didn’t you take Brian out for a walk today?
Peter: Because Black Lives Matter were in the neighborhood.

(Cut to Peter and Brian walking down the street before coming across a BLM rally)

Peter: Hey, what’s going on?
Black guy #1: Da fuck are you talking about, whitey? We is Black Lives Matter, and we wuz kangz and sheeit.
Brian: You people are making a big fuss out of nothing. Need I remind you that black people are one of the biggest causes of crime in this country?
Black guy #2: RAYCISS!!!! GET DIS FOO OUTTA HERE!!!

Joke #3
Peter: This entire family is controlled by Jews, just like the media.

(Cut to two Jewish guys in an office)

Mr. Goldberg: Oy vey! The goyim know about our plot to control the media, Mr. Weinstein!
Harvey Weinstein: Don’t worry, Mr. Goldberg, it’s all been taken care of. We’ve sent out several fluff pieces which claim that our control is for the best. I mean, it’s not like any of us have been using our power to rape actresses, or anything.
Police officer: Harvey Weinstein, you’re under arrest for raping actresses!
Harvey Weinstein: Guess I spoke too soon.
 
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