let's write Family Guy jokes

[PantsFreeZone]

I actually write for Family Guy. AMA.

Why won't you die?

 

[RG 448]

How about one where a little kid plays “got your nose” and Peter takes it seriously and beats the crap out of the kid for thirty seconds to get his nose back.

 

[sasazuka]

Peter's copying a TV show where he's a detective or private investigator (have they done a Magnum P.I. episode yet?) and he answers the phone and it's Vic the Slick from Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego who tells Peter to look for Carmen in Africa, so then Peter does the bonus round where he has to place the markers on the map of Africa in 45 seconds and he gets the location of every obscure African country that Greg Lee calls out right because that would somehow be funnier than him just saying, "I, like most other white Americans*, wouldn't even be able to find the continent of Africa on a globe let alone identify individual countries within it."

* I think most white Americans could at least find Africa on a globe, I'm just trying to think like a Family Guy writer here.

 

[m0rnutz]

"Wow I can't believe it! This is just like the time I found a baby at Dan Schneider's party!"
" "
" "
"I was the baby at Dan Schneider's party"

 

[José Mourinho]

Remember the time where I digged Patty's corpse while yelling ?

 

[Y2K Baby]

How about one where a little kid plays “got your nose” and Peter takes it seriously and beats the crap out of the kid for thirty seconds to get his nose back.

And then he looks at the camera and says "I knew he didn't have my nose."

 

[I Exist]

Lois: Peetah why did you choke Stewie to death?
Peter: Ah shit, this reminds me of the time when Whoopi Goldberg hired a hitman on Oprah.
-Insert cutaway gag that portrays Whoopi Goldberg hiring a hitman on Oprah.-

 

[Batman VS Tony Danza]

We play a music video and then the main character husband turns to the camera and is all "That was terrible"

Now give me my check and point me to the Weinstein suite.

 

[Y2K Baby]

We play a music video and then the main character husband turns to the camera and is all "That was terrible"

Now give me my check and point me to the Weinstein suite.

Beavis fucked Butthead.

 

[ZehnBoat]

HOLY CRAP LOUIS, REMEMBER WHEN MY LIFE WASNT AN INFINITESIMALLY SMALL SPECK WITH NO INHERENT VALUE, WORTHLESS TO THE ENDLESS VOID OF THE UNIVERSE AND ITS EVENTUAL FREEZING DEATH THAT WILL HAVE ALL MATTER RIPPED APART AND FOREVER ALONE THUS RENDERING ALL HUMAN ACHIEVEMENT NULL AND VOID IN THE END... DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN IT FELT LIKE LIFE WAS WORTH LIVING, WHEN IT FELT LIKE IT WAS WORTH DOING ANYTHING?

*peter stares at the camera for the rest of the episode while said camera zooms in*
*Lux Aeterna by Gyorgy Ligeti plays*

 

[Andre The Roboto]

Hey Peter, remember the time one time that you (INSERT RANDOM SHIT HERE)?

"Hehehehehehe, yeah."

 

[Y2K Baby]

Hey Peter, remember the time one time that you (INSERT RANDOM SHIT HERE)?

"Hehehehehehe, yeah."

Shut the fuck up, you absolute retard.

 

[NOT Sword Fighter Super]

Stewie:
"Looks like it's time for another sexy party!"

*cue Benny Hill reference that nobody under age 50 will get*

"WHO BUT STEWIE?!"

 

[UnKillFill]

Hey Lois, remember that time we were a funny TV show? Neither do I.
hehehehehehehehe...

 

[Y2K Baby]

Hey Lois, remember that time we were a funny TV show? Neither do I.
hehehehehehehehe...

Um, can you fucking not. Jesus Christ.

 

[Somar]

Peter: You think that's bad? Remember the time Chris maced someone at gamestop over Sonic having blue arms.

 

[Forever Train Engineer]

Lois: Hey Peetah remember when you

BOTTOM TEXT

 

[sasazuka]

*Lux Aeterna by Gyorgy Ligeti plays*

That joke reads like something out of Cosmos so Vangelis's "Alpha" would also work.

Besides the lack of Carl Sagan (except in short clips), the lack of a Vangelis score is why Seth MacFarlane's version of Cosmos just didn't work for me.

 

[PsychoNerd054]

“You think that’s bad, remember the time I manipulated Chris Chan into thinking I was a waifu goddess?”

 

[UnKillFill]

Peter: This is like that time I stopped William Atchison from shooting up a school.
[Cutaway to a couch which is colored like Peter and his clothing and has his face on it- the camera zooms out to show that this peter couch is blocking a door, which someone is apparently trying to get into, gunshots are heard, but the door does not open.]
Peter: hehehehehehe...