🎨 Artcow Iconoclast / Jonathan Mack Sweet - The Chris-Chan of Arkansas

[atomik fyre]

Why doesn't he just subscribe to fucking Netflix and fucking shut the fuck up already?
I mean, we're talking about $8 a month, right?

Where's this joker going to get $8 a month? Also, I doubt the internet speed that the Sweet family subscribes to is very high, so that bill would have to increase as well, so again the question of money. Also, with only one computer shared between the family, and their inability to even get their digital antenna set up right, what would Johnny Mack Sweet even have to watch Netflix on?

It's a fantastic idea for a normal American, but this is Sweets we're talking about. He's... special.

 

[Holdek]

Where's this joker going to get $8 a month? Also, I doubt the internet speed that the Sweet family subscribes to is very high, so that bill would have to increase as well, so again the question of money. Also, with only one computer shared between the family, and their inability to even get their digital antenna set up right, what would Johnny Mack Sweet even have to watch Netflix on?

It's a fantastic idea for a normal American, but this is Sweets we're talking about. He's... special.

"He can not has that! Nyuh! He no can has Netflix! Only ObamaCable!"

 

[John Titor]

I thought he has two computers now? What's his excuse this time?

 

[ToroidalBoat]

Also stop projecting.

If Sweet was projecting even more, he'd say that people who got fired because of someone would then stay at home watching cartoons and drawing comics while merely wishing of lurking in dark alleys waiting to assault the "victim" with eight inch bone knives.

Why doesn't he just subscribe to fucking Netflix

Because remote and wireless mouse batteries are expensive, and Mama Sweet is at the helm of the SS Sweet Tugboat.

Where's this joker going to get $8 a month?

By collecting a lot of cans?

 

[Le Bateleur]

I thought he has two computers now? What's his excuse this time?

He bought a laptop on Black Friday 2014, but by March 2015 he was commenting on YouTube videos about repairing laptop charging sockets, so I'm assuming it's now prime spider real estate in one of Jon's two trash-filled bedrooms.

 

[Chan the Wizard]

Sweets gets cable.
If you look at his journal entries, he says he's watching stuff that only airs on Cartoon Network, a cable channel.
Sweets is too retarded and his computer too decrepit to watch it online, so like much of what he says his complaining about ObamaCable is hogwash.

 

[Ruin]

How many recycled cans will it take to pay a lawyer? Anybody care to do the math?

 

[Dr. Merkwurdichliebe]

BTW Sweet how's the hunt going to find a lawyer to sue the pants off @Dr. Merkwurdichliebe and ASU? I doubt you're getting much done by sitting on your ass and watching cartoons. At this rate, this thread will outlive you.

No lawyers will ever take any of Sweet's threatened lawsuits on a pro bono basis and spend weeks of their time and a ton of money out of their own pockets on depositions. His mom has already refused to pay an attorney many thousands of dollars to sue Arkansas State, a suit that would be tossed immediately because the university enjoys sovereign immunity. Once a lawyer discovers that his special snowflake client is a convicted criminal, self-confessed creator of child pornography, "guilty in the eyes of the law" of conspiring to have sex with a minor, making terroristic threats, etc., etc. etc., Sweet will be looking for his next attorney. People with his record don't win libel suits claiming that their behavior at a salad bar was cast in a false light.

Sweet also doesn't seem to understand that in order to win a libel case, he must prove that my statements are false. That means he'll have to get the people he's been stalking, harassing and threatening for almost 20 years to testify on his behalf. Ain't happening. He should also remember that the worst incident I've reported, his cursing/lesbian spergfest at The Herald, resulted in his being suspended from the paper; there is documentary evidence of his behavior and his punishment in his ASU file.

As far as I can determine, all of the cows regard their being butthurt as grounds for legal action, a belief typically found only among children younger than fourth-graders. Yet not a single one of them has ever been able to find a lawyer to take a case to court.

EDIT TO ADD:

How many recycled cans will it take to pay a lawyer? Anybody care to do the math?

With prices varying from around 1.7 to 2.5 cents per can, let's make the math easy and say 2 cents a can. Let's say $10,000 up front for the lawyer to even start working on the case. So. half a million cans. I think that's doable. I'll expect a summons in about 15 years, assuming that legal fees don't increase at a rate faster than the price of aluminum.

 

[AJMLurker]

How many recycled cans will it take to pay a lawyer? Anybody care to do the math?

Can't forget, Mr. Sweet's also gonna need a hip young college-aged female assistant to assist him in actually finding the lawyer's telephone number in the phonebook and then teaching him how to use the phone.

Guys, time to do our patriotic Sweetian duty. We must scour the college campuses of this great land and see if we can get Sweet his rightfully deserved china assistant.

No lawyers will ever take any of Sweet's threatened lawsuits on a pro bono basis and spend weeks of their time and a ton of money out of their own pockets on depositions.

The only way I see a lawyer taking on Sweet's "case" is if he can get a ridiculously large sum of money out of Mama Sweet, but that seems like something only a two-bit joke lawyer would pull. Take a doomed case just because they're getting paid mad money for it. I don't know anything about law so I might be wrong here. I doubt any serious lawyer worth their salt would want to be associated with the manchild Jon Sweet for more than a few seconds though.

As far as I can determine, all of the cows regard their being butthurt as grounds for legal action, a belief typically found only among children younger than fourth-graders. Yet not a single one of them has ever been able to find a lawyer to take a case to court.

I'm of the belief that most of Jon's behaviors and mannerisms stem from his mind being permanently frozen around the mental age of 6 or 7. Throw autism into the heap and you got yourself a recipe for disaster or a lulz gold mine.

 

[Le Bateleur]

How many recycled cans will it take to pay a lawyer? Anybody care to do the math?

Two pieces of bad news for our Sweetian hero. Firstly, aluminum cans are lighter than they used to be thanks to improved manufacturing processes. Estimates I've found range from 31 to 34 cans to a lb. Even worse, the average price of scrap aluminium cans is at a five-year low:

Spoiler: Graph

Spoiler: Here comes the science

So at a generous 31 cans to a lb, selling for $0.60 a lb, Sweet Bro is looking at 52 cans to make $1.

Lawfriends are welcome to chime in on how much a lawyer in rural Arkansas willing to pander to the insane is going to charge as an hourly rate. Google gives rough estimates ranging from $100 to $500 per hour (although the minimum retainer seems much higher, c $5,000+)

Let's again be kind and assume he finds a $100 per hour attorney.

He'd have to pick up and recycle 5,200 cans to pay for one hour of (probably Lionel Hutz-tier) lawyer time.

To give that some context, here's what 2,400 cans looks like:

So, two-and-a-quarter pallets' worth of cans, with no car, in rural Arkansas, for an hour's worth of legal representation.

If only he had a four-year college degree in a respectable subject to fall back on...

 

[ToroidalBoat]

Can't forget, Mr. Sweet's also gonna need a hip young college-aged female assistant[...]

I don't recall Sweet saying the assistant had to have a china collection, but we probably all knew that's what he wanted anyway.

 

[DrJonesHat]

I actually am one of the dreaded progressives Sweet hates so much, but the thing is, I have some views that would be considered conservative. Like, I am a staunch supporter of the right to self-defense, and that includes a right to bear arms. If my views carried the day, someone like Sweet would have been identified in elementary school and given proper treatment so he could grow into a functional adult. But that's not the world we live in, so instead, he's sperging about shit that happened 20 years ago and we're laughing at him.

 

[MrsFrizzle]

Sweetums gonna stab me with a boning knife! I'll come right back at him with my trusty potato peeler!

 

[ToroidalBoat]

I'll come right back at him with my trusty potato peeler!

The most effective weapon against Sweet is the hammer. Specifically of the ban variety. ASU bopped him with it about 2 decades ago and he still hasn't recovered.

 

[DrJonesHat]

Sweets gets cable.
If you look at his journal entries, he says he's watching stuff that only airs on Cartoon Network, a cable channel.
Sweets is too retarded and his computer too decrepit to watch it online, so like much of what he says his complaining about ObamaCable is hogwash.

His old PC is too ancient to stream video, yes, but the laptop is current, so depending on what the speed of their internet connection is, he could be watching streaming video. But I don't think Cartoon Network streams their shows, and Sweet probably hasn't found out about Bittorrent or Usenet. Thing is, he would be in absolute heaven if he could use those things. He could probably find any show he could think of on Usenet especially. Yes, it would require stepping out of his comfort zone, but history has shown that if the topic is of interest to him, he can absorb new information.

 

[Adamska]

Why doesn't he just subscribe to fucking Netflix and fucking shut the fuck up already?
I mean, we're talking about $8 a month, right?

Sweets is both extremely retarded and extremely poor, both in terms of money and with his ability in managing it. He thinks like a child with money, in that even something like $20 is a lot. $8.00 per month would be highway robbery to him, even though it'd be genuinely cheaper than actually owning cable. Admittedly, he lives in a poor shithole, so money is tight, but he is both childishly stingy and childishly incompetent in handling it.

Now onto his retardation. He is so fucking stupid that he deems losing the remote as a lost cause. He is so buttfucking retarded that he thought a standard college computer (which honestly is rarely cutting edge) was Futuretech that Buck Rodgers or James T. Kirk would use. He is such a sped that he never learned how to use a fucking printer. He is so blindingly absolutely fucktarded that even leaving a building was a sisyphean task that took eight hours and help. That is his level of intelligence. Imagine that being used to set up Netflix. I think a time stranded shepherd from the bronze age who only spoke a long dead language would get it better and faster than Sweets ever will.

And he'd already blow that $8 on something retarded or throw it down a scammer's way if he held it, just to finish painting the picture of his shit money handling skills. He's a stupid gullible criminally lazy moron who is half the reason why Ma Sweet's house needs to be sanctified with burning promethium. The other being Ma's age keeping her from fixing things. He's so fucking retarded with his money that Ma had to take it from him to prevent more debt.

He bought a laptop on Black Friday 2014, but by March 2015 he was commenting on YouTube videos about repairing laptop charging sockets, so I'm assuming it's now prime spider real estate in one of Jon's two trash-filled bedrooms.

I'd be shocked that he broke a laptop like that in months if I didn't know he was that much of an incompetent jackass in the first place. What a waste of a perfectly good machine.

If only he had a four-year college degree in a respectable subject to fall back on...

That's the thing that fucking gets me. He has the degree needed to do his fucking dream job. He could use it to try and get a variety of careers since it's a flexible degree that doesn't quickly lose worth. He has the tool, but he refuses to use it since he's a fucking entitled sociopathic moron who is too retarded and lazy to work.

His old PC is too ancient to stream video, yes, but the laptop is current, so depending on what the speed of their internet connection is, he could be watching streaming video. But I don't think Cartoon Network streams their shows, and Sweet probably hasn't found out about Bittorrent or Usenet. Thing is, he would be in absolute heaven if he could use those things. He could probably find any show he could think of on Usenet especially. Yes, it would require stepping out of his comfort zone, but history has shown that if the topic is of interest to him, he can absorb new information.

He could go to KissCartoon and watch basically everything he wanted to if his laptop is still online. But again, he would only know this if people tell him, and even then he tends to fucking glaze over what they tell him because he's a lazy faggot who can't respect others.

 

[AJMLurker]

Sweet probably hasn't found out about Bittorrent or Usenet. Thing is, he would be in absolute heaven if he could use those things. He could probably find any show he could think of on Usenet especially.

Whoa, whoa, hold up there @DrJonesHat. I think Bittorrent and Usenet are far too complex for Jon Sweet's simple mind to comprehend, let alone for him to use.
A simpler and more convenient option for Sweet Bro would be for him to go over to that nifty website called Google (ever heard of it Sweet?) and then type "watch *insert cartoon show name* online" into that fancy Buck Rogers-styled search bar they have.
Sure, watching shows on those free online sites is not the safest thing for your computer, but this is Sweet we're talking about. The kicker is he's most likely not even going to take our advice stated here. It's much easier to bitch about the horribly evil and fictitious Obamacable instead of researching how to use torrents or typing something in a damn search bar.

Speaking of which, I've been wondering for a while, how does the Sweet Clan in general feel about their special snowflake's constant activity online? I feel like Mama Sweet would be ambivalent about her child's online dwelling for the most part (after raising someone like Jon your entire life, you're eventually going to get to a point where you don't give a fuck anymore. She can't drop him off at a psych ward). On the other hand, I bet the only reason Jon's brother hasn't pummeled Sweet Bro within an inch of his life for powerleveling information about the family online is because his brother most likely is not what we would call "internet savvy". Jon's brother probably can't even begin to imagine the shitstorm of stupidity Sweet has unleashed upon the internet over the last 15 years. If he was to be made aware of Jonny's activities, he would be none too pleased (and probably permanently end Sweet's presence on the internet. Bad for lulz-seeker, but good for the world in general).

I don't know the computer situation over at the Sweet household, but if I'm correct, they have two computers? The new laptop they bought recently and that old hunk of junk from the 90's. They share the laptop, right? Does Sweet have his own account on the Windows OS so his family members can't go checking through his internet history and MS Paint stash?

ALSO OFF-TOPIC, but has Sweet ever seen Star Wars? Just wondering since he keeps making references to Buck Rogers despite the fact that show was airing around the same time the original trilogy was being released and becoming a huge cultural sensation.

 

[Dr. Merkwurdichliebe]

Sweets gets cable.
If you look at his journal entries, he says he's watching stuff that only airs on Cartoon Network, a cable channel.
Sweets is too retarded and his computer too decrepit to watch it online, so like much of what he says his complaining about ObamaCable is hogwash.

Excellent deduction.

I wonder if Mama Sweet has deployed the cable system's parental controls to prevent Jonathan from watching anything that is not appropriate for his mental age. Limiting him to a couple of cartoon channels would indicate that she still takes her parenting responsibilities seriously.

 

[ToroidalBoat]

Sweet has complained about "his life being on hold" when he can't use the internet because others in the Sweet house are using it, so either the older computer at the Sweet house can't access the internet anymore, or there's very little one can do with it online.

I think Sweet also hinted at the internet connection at the Sweet house being inferior to that of ASU. So that's another reason why he wants to get into that state-of-the-art computer lab.

[Sweet and money]

Those commemorative bricks; how much were they? If they were over $100 each, then that must've seemed like buying a car to Sweet. And if you will recall, Sweet bought 2 -- one is at ASU in some walkway, and the other is in the dimly lit web-filled lair of Sweet.

has Sweet ever seen Star Wars?

Sweet said that he was indeed aware of that new Star Wars movie coming out. Probably from magazine covers at the newsstand while going on battery runs. I don't know if he's seen any of the series though. Are there references to it in Belch Dimension?

she still takes her parenting responsibilities seriously.

Mama Sweet also makes Sweet do chores as well, like yardwork.

 

[Dr. Merkwurdichliebe]

I think Sweet also hinted at the internet connection at the Sweet house being inferior to that of ASU. So that's another reason why he wants to get into that state-of-the-art computer lab.

Ah yes, 1997, the year that the 56 Kbps modem and the 300 MHz processor are introduced to an awestruck world. But it was probably a couple of years before ASU moved up to that Buck Rogers technology after shelling out for all those 36.6 Kbps modems 166 MHz processors two years before.