🎨 Artcow Iconoclast / Jonathan Mack Sweet - The Chris-Chan of Arkansas

[Holdek]

Apologies if this has been posted but under a HILARIOUS misspelling in a Black Friday ad he went on a diatribe about Black Friday. Sweets talks about family and reveals his creepy ass buying habits. Enjoy.

Spoiler

112615-- Amusing misprint on Black Friday memo I found this on a display of DVD's at a local Black Friday sale. Note the second-to-last line. Hm-- 18,000 years, huh? Well, perhaps by then that copy of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay (part 1) will be marked down from an orange tag to a blue tag, and I can save five or six bucks.
So each year after the big Thanksgiving feast, a load of turkey in my belly and a song in my heart, I hit the stores each year with Mom, my brother, and his baby mama, and we load up on hundreds of dollars' worth of electronics, kitchen aids, clothes, and just lately with our new addition, baby supplies. We have it down to an absolute science, almost a military operation. We decide what we're going to get beforehand, and everybody is then assigned a station. We spread out, assume our post, and jealously guard that item with our lives. When they announce over the speakers that it's six o'clock, we start grabbing and loading up our carts with a fervor. We work in shifts so someone will always be available to relieve whosoever is watching our purchases so they can leap into the fray and grab their fill. We four then meet at the central hub with our booty in tow. I always come away with twenty or thirty dollars' worth of movies-- I tend to lean Pixar-heavy, as well as superheroes and anything with Adam Sandler or a Disney Channel cutie before she turned 19 and her morals went straight out the window.

My brother's gal did wonder aloud on the drive back home, after six long hours and everyone in our party footsore, backs twisted and aching, cranky, and squeaking out hot toxic turkey gas, what insidious person came up with this whole thing to separate folks from their hard-earned dollars. So we looked it up. Supposedly it's an accounting term (i.e. to be "in the black", or to have your ledgers fat and flush with profit) although it's also suggested some anonymous policeman came up with the term over fifty years ago, and not one of endearment, exactly, which is why merchants insisted on pushing the kinder, gentler, profit margin angle. Of course, Mayberry shoppers were more likely to expect to see a busted fender in a road accident than a cracked skull or getting their asses stabbed each year fighting over the last Monster High doll.* Either folks weren't as nutty back then, or they were, but we didn't hear about it.

Remember those freaks and creepazoids I mentioned before? They come out full force on this day looking for bargains. Do you know how many people get whacked on Black Friday every year? I'll never forget, a couple years back, those two ladies who flipped their shit at one of these things and went running down the aisle with a cartful of dish towels, laughing merrily. I was inspired, in fact, to write the story "The Old Man and the C-Notes" (Nov 2013) after witnessing this display of lunacy. I gotta ask, what the hell does someone do with four dozen towels? Although, my mom saw some identical-print towels two weeks later at a secondhand shop up in Paragould. She suspects these gals were buying them for pennies on the dollar here and then trying to resell them to suckers for three bucks. Pretty shrewd, I gotta admit.

Can you imagine the poor girl who married into the Sweet family trapped in a car with her new brother-in-law on Black Friday as he spergs about his cartoon fetishes while "squeaking out hot turkey gas?"

 

[Le Bateleur]

Sweet Bro's solipsism never ceases to amaze me. He seems completely unable to chat with others for any length of time without dragging the conversation back to a handful of topics he wants to talk about.

One of his more amusing habits is bumping threads or comments sections which haven't been active in years - most notoriously, this thread. (How did that work out for ya, Sweet Bro? Remember the days when you could convincingly dismiss claims that you lived off welfare or were a violent criminal?)

Here's some other examples of Sweet the Conversationalist:

• Replying to a four-year-old comment to sperg about the old Batman TV show.
• Replying to a seven-year-old comment to contribute some of the Original Research they welcome so much on Wikipedia.
• Eight-year-old comment chain bumped for more old TV cruft.
• BONUS RACISM: Sweet actually uses the word "pickaninny", in 2015.

 

[DrChristianTroy]

Can you imagine the poor girl who married into the Sweet family trapped in a car with her new brother-in-law on Black Friday as he spergs about his cartoon fetishes while "squeaking out hot turkey gas?"

Feels. Just a truck load of feels.

Spoiler

Sweet appears to be the champion of thread necromancy.

And yet he can't resurrect his college career. What cruel fate.

 

[Adamska]

I doubt Sweets cooks for himself. Everything he's posted is just simply microwave dishes (stealing Chris's Hungry Mans? Wait, what's the even poorer version of those?) or shit you just throw in a bowl.

The hobo equivalent of Hungry Man would be Banquet. Seriously, you can get them for a dollar and they taste of ass.

The only real food he eats is when his mother, after a long day at work, has the energy to cook.

Sounds about right. I envision him actually struggling with the microwave, and the only reason he knows how to use it was he went without food for a couple days due to mom going out once. He then was given an earful for not microwaving the cheap stuff she always kept because it was easy when she didn't want to cook.

That is how fucking retarded he comes off as.

Jon has a college degree, but shits himself and does nothing all day long. Chris has a more successful career. Chris! Even Phil has asspatters! Jonny couldn't even get those, they burned their forums down rather than continue to harbor him.

This is his legacy.

Anyways time to laugh at Sweets again:

112615-- Amusing misprint on Black Friday memo I found this on a display of DVD's at a local Black Friday sale. Note the second-to-last line. Hm-- 18,000 years, huh? Well, perhaps by then that copy of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay (part 1) will be marked down from an orange tag to a blue tag, and I can save five or six bucks.

It wasn't quite Hayden Black's antihumor, I'll give him that. But still, nitpicking typos is pretty low brow, especially when you yourself tend to fuck up the English language.

So each year after the big Thanksgiving feast, a load of turkey in my belly and a song in my heart, I hit the stores each year with Mom, my brother, and his baby mama, and we load up on hundreds of dollars' worth of electronics, kitchen aids, clothes, and just lately with our new addition, baby supplies.

Firstly, when you have an infant, baby supplies are what we call necessities. Secondly, it's wife since she's married to him, not that trash term you use. Third, this retarded bout of splurging is probably why y'all are poor.

We have it down to an absolute science, almost a military operation.

It worked as well as Vietnam while Sweets was there most likely.

We decide what we're going to get beforehand, and everybody is then assigned a station.

I predict he was just told to stay out of the way considering what an incompetent weak little pest he is.

We spread out, assume our post, and jealously guard that item with our lives.

This use of hyperbole makes you look retarded. Especially since a house cat could probably take your life.

When they announce over the speakers that it's six o'clock, we start grabbing and loading up our carts with a fervor.

All over a small price drop for shit they don't need (well, baring the clothes and baby supplies). Huh, I have a suspicion I'll get back to later on...

We work in shifts so someone will always be available to relieve whosoever is watching our purchases so they can leap into the fray and grab their fill.

Jon probably just sits there and watches TV while the rest do all the work.

We four then meet at the central hub with our booty in tow.

Jon's shit is all useless garbage that could go into paying the electrics or 1/10th of the food bill.

I always come away with twenty or thirty dollars' worth of movies-- I tend to lean Pixar-heavy, as well as superheroes and anything with Adam Sandler or a Disney Channel cutie before she turned 19 and her morals went straight out the window.

Ew...

Just... ew.

I mean, the rest of that is standard manchild fare, but the whole pedophile angle makes me want to report you and watch you scream as your space age computer is cracked by feds and they find your child porn stash you fuck.

My brother's gal did wonder aloud on the drive back home, after six long hours and everyone in our party footsore, backs twisted and aching, cranky, and squeaking out hot toxic turkey gas, what insidious person came up with this whole thing to separate folks from their hard-earned dollars.

It's pretty obvious: the store drops sale on a lot of stuff to make gullible crazies go and buy stuff in droves since fuck impulse control. tl;dr it's a cynical cashgrab.http://www.deviantart.com/users/out...ki/Black_Friday_(shopping)#Origin_of_the_term

So we looked it up. Supposedly it's an accounting term (i.e. to be "in the black", or to have your ledgers fat and flush with profit) although it's also suggested some anonymous policeman came up with the term over fifty years ago, and not one of endearment, exactly, which is why merchants insisted on pushing the kinder, gentler, profit margin angle.

Lovely racial angle bro.

Of course, Mayberry shoppers were more likely to expect to see a busted fender in a road accident than a cracked skull or getting their asses stabbed each year fighting over the last Monster High doll.* Either folks weren't as nutty back then, or they were, but we didn't hear about it.

You returned with lulz. How is this different than how your family acts dude?

Remember those freaks and creepazoids I mentioned before? They come out full force on this day looking for bargains.

Especially when you perfectly describe yourself and how your family acts?

Do you know how many people get whacked on Black Friday every year? I'll never forget, a couple years back, those two ladies who flipped their shit at one of these things and went running down the aisle with a cartful of dish towels, laughing merrily.

I wonder if - naahhh, Sweets is too retarded to get points.

I was inspired, in fact, to write the story "The Old Man and the C-Notes" (Nov 2013) after witnessing this display of lunacy.

Jonathan Mack Sweet: So autistic he can't write any idea without seeing it first and stealing it.

I gotta ask, what the hell does someone do with four dozen towels?

Kettle: What the hell does a 40 year old man need in children's movies.

Although, my mom saw some identical-print towels two weeks later at a secondhand shop up in Paragould. She suspects these gals were buying them for pennies on the dollar here and then trying to resell them to suckers for three bucks. Pretty shrewd, I gotta admit.

No... getting a job and making more than tugboat by far is smart. Learning how to use the internet to make money is smart. That is on par with collecting cans on the side of the road.

 

[ToroidalBoat]

Sweet appears to be the champion of thread necromancy.

And yet he can't resurrect his college career. What cruel fate.

Sweet's workin' on it... by waiting for people to buy Belch Dimension and some obscure stories as he sends harassing emails and letters to this day.

Spoiler

Also, I deleted that post you replied to because I thought it wasn't necessary...

children's movies

You know that one song in the Disney Pinocchio movie? I wonder if Sweet wishes upon a star for that Golden Ticket?

Spoiler

At least some mature adults still enjoy stuff for kids. But I highly doubt that Sweet is one of them.

 

[Dr. Merkwurdichliebe]

If he did take out loans for college, I can't see how he'll have paid them back. He's never had a paying job (other than possible the Herald if they paid him there), and his adventures in self-publishing will have cost him more than he got back in royalties.

Unless he picked up a truly amazing number of cans, I can't see him paying off the loans. Isn't there a minimum income threshold before repayments kick in? I'm guessing his "miserly" wouldn't be above the threshold if there is one.

When you take out loans for college in the U.S., someone with good credit and the ability to repay those loans has to co-sign. It's possible that Jon's was used for many years to repay all or part of the loans. Whoever co-signed would be on the hook for the rest. It would be very like Jon to claim that he was repaying the loans when it was actually SSDI and the co-signer who were paying.

EDIT TO ADD:

Also, I notice Sweet claimed that this thread (which he wants taken down NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW) would eventually cost someone "their job or their life." So is Sweet saying that he actually has the ability to get someone fired or killed by being driven to madness by this thread? "Golden Ticket to ASU," my ass.

It's been pointed out before, but Jonathan Mack Sweet is pretty close to being libel-proof. The key component to libeling someone is that you must damage their reputation. Sweet is a confessed and convicted violent criminal who has done time in jail and served probation. He practically boasts of "being guilty in the eyes of the law" of committing what he euphemistically describes as "conspiracy to have carnal knowledge of a minor." That's what the rest of us call conspiracy to commit statutory rape. He has made a multitude of death threats over the years, including against members of this forum. Who knows what other crimes he's been convicted of? There are at least two court appearances we know of that he won't talk about.

Nothing said on this thread has damaged the reputation of Jonathan Mack Sweet, confessed plagiarist, convicted criminal, conspirator in a child molestation case, creator of child pornography, maker of terroristic threats, Internet stalker and Rush-Limbaugh-worshiping welfare queen.

When he shows up at my residence with his bone knife, he will discover that there are people on this thread who are not the craven liberals he envisions. Here, Sweet, I'll help you dox me: At least one member of the Farms is a life member of the National Rifle Association with a large collection of instructor and coaching certificates in various disciplines -- rifle, pistol, running game, trap and skeet, etc. -- of what I like to call the mysterious occidental art of gun. Some of us even have concealed carry permits in case you decide to bushwhack us in your famous "dark alley" -- even though we know you would never actually enter a dark alley, whose Stygian depths might easily conceal an entire impi of Negroes who would attack you on sight -- within seconds, as you are fond of noting -- and slice the Giant Brain of Blytheville into a bleeding mound of suet with their assegais before vanishing into the night. Usuthu! Usuthu!

 

[ToroidalBoat]

[self defense]

I mentioned something like that earlier too. No one told Sweet that we have means of defense should we ever run into an angry sociopath wielding an 8 inch bone knife trying to brutally maim us just because we discussed and made fun of them on an internet forum.

I also wonder if Sweet thinks we all live in the same area he lives in? Maybe he can't conceive that most (if not all) of us don't live in "a squashed gob of dung on the Missouri Bootheel," just as it's inconceivable to Sweet that not all of us are progressives?

taco salad

impassioned defender of a taco salad

I think Sweet was getting worked up about it (at least in part) was because it's, according to Sweet, one thing he learned in college that wasn't a lie. And then that was getting poked at too. Just like the chinaphone, etc.

 

[Shadow Fox]

I also wonder if Sweet thinks we all live in the same area he lives in? Maybe he can't conceive that most (if not all) of us don't live in "a squashed gob of dung on the Missouri Bootheel," just as it's inconceivable to Sweet that not all of us are progressives?

I would love to see him try to find his way out to the West Coast. Could he even begin to envision what a trip like that would entail, let alone actually set it into motion? Chris has trouble envisioning the world outside of Virginia, but he managed to drive to Ohio and back completely unassisted. Even if Sweet had a driver's license, I don't think he'd be able to plan and execute a trip into the next town, let alone across the country.

Spoiler

Even though I know it will never happen, I cannot help but imagine how folks out here would react to him. Everyone in my hometown is a goddamn hippie, and natives of my state are renowned for being exceptionally kind and generous to visitors. It would take a great deal of bullshit to make someone here actively dislike anybody, let alone drive them to violence, and yet I have no doubt that Sweet would accomplish exactly this in record time.

 

[ToroidalBoat]

Some Kiwis don't even live in the USA. Sweet's mind would probably be blown if he realized that.

Sweet may also think that life in other countries is like in old Saturday morning cartoons (with "vintage cartoon humor" that "kids today just don't get").

 

[Dr. Merkwurdichliebe]

Every Editor's Worst Nightmare wrote:

So H.S. should really knock off the cheap shots and the "thumb-head" cracks, otherwise I think we should see how he looks after someone catches up to him in a dark alley, kicks him in the head a few times, then slices off his nose, jabs out one of his eyes, and carves up his cheeks and forehead with that good old eight-inch knife.

When Sweet threatened to kill me and @DrChristianTroy with a bone knife, I foolishly -- and in absolute defiance of mountains of evidence that it is impossible -- though that he was showing a rare bit of knowledge of something that is almost obscure. I should have known better.

Sweet, you hopeless moron, a bone knife is a knife with a blade that is made of bone. Do a Google image search, you stupid, pathologically lazy bastard.

The link you provide is to a boning knife, which is about as far as you can possibly get from a bone knife. Attacking someone with a boning knife is the act of a drooling eejit. You also refer to "that good old eight-inch knife" and then link to a six-inch knife. Cretin!

Considering that you have spent your entire life stuffing your fat face with greasy meat or threatening to murder people with various bladed weapons, I would expect even an imbecile with your feeble powers of ratiocination to have a much firmer understanding of cutlery. You never fail to disappoint.

 

[Chan the Wizard]

Reminder that Sweet just turned 40.
It's hard to remember with his decrepit old man looks, racism and nostalgia for TV shows that even an actually retiree would find dated.

Also haha, once again even Chris and Phil prove better than Jon.
Chris has a license, a car, and drives himself.
Phil actually made it from the East Coast to West Coast on his own.
How is it possible for someone to fail harder at life than those two?

 

[AnOminous]

Reminder that Sweet just turned 40.

He looks 60.

 

[Adamska]

So he's threatening us with a weapon that not only sucks at murder (it takes a lot effort to kill with a knife, especially a shitty boning knife), but whose length is off by about 25% less than stated.

What a fucking retard. He can't even do basic math correctly.

 

[Dr. Merkwurdichliebe]

I Am Clinically Insane wrote:

. . . Doc Murky's little "interviews" (most of which are fabricated out of whole cloth or conducted through highly biased sources, hardly what I'd call good journalism) have given me plenty of ammunition to use against my old "friends". Real or not, that information should be just what I need to create a schism between the 1997 Herald editorial board and the present Herald eds, then ride the wave of dissent right back into A-State. I suppose I owe you something for that.

None of my reports are fabricated, Sweet. Maybe you choose not to remember what a flaming asshole you were in college, but everyone who encountered you still remembers quite clearly. You weren't expelled as part of some grand conspiracy; you weren't expelled for being too conservative; you weren't expelled for plagiarism; you weren't expelled for acting like a tard at the salad bar; you were expelled because you were an out-of-control sociopath. And that hasn't changed one damned bit.

Your strange idea that The Herald staff of 1997 is in communication with The Herald staff of 2015 is symptomatic of mold-induced dementia. Your bizarre plan to "create a schism" between two groups of people who don't know each other is symptomatic of galloping stupidity. The conclusion of your half-witted syllogism, in which sowing dissent in a group that doesn't exist results in your return to ASU, is symptomatic of your utter disconnect from reality.

You ain't going back to ASU. Ever.

Get a therapist. Get a job. Get a life.

EDIT TO ADD:

Another Sweet Fantasy of Ultraviolence Involving @DrChristianTroy:

. . . right this minute you're probably one dumb mistake away from not only losing your job, but finding a cadre of angry former coworkers, who came perilously close to losing their jobs when your blunder nearly bankrupted the company, waiting for you down in the parking structure after work, all ready to rearrange your vertebra with crowbars and metal pipes.

See, Sweet, you're still a sociopath. People outside the Mold Kingdom don't attack and cripple their co-workers with crowbars because they nearly lost their jobs; in fact, they don't do that even if they actually lost their jobs.

And most English majors know that the plural of vertebra is vertebrae. This is even fairly common knowledge among lowly journalism majors. You are the living proof that ol' Hugh Blair hit the nail on the head when he wrote: "Embarrassed, obscure and feeble sentences are generally, if not always, the result of embarrassed, obscure and feeble thought." If you can't stop being crazy, at least stop being stupid.

 

[ToroidalBoat]

People outside the Mold Kingdom don't attack and cripple their co-workers with crowbars because they nearly lost their jobs

Does Sweet think that Troy and the company he works for would lose jobs just for him poking fun at Sweet on the internet? That would show that (1) Sweet probably has serious ego issues, and (2) Sweet has no idea how the world of work really works.

 

[DrChristianTroy]

Does Sweet think that Troy and the company he works for would lose jobs just for him poking fun at Sweet on the internet? That would show that (1) Sweet probably has serious ego issues, and (2) Sweet has no idea how the world of work really works.

Dude hasn't had a job since ever and is confused by televisions. Of course he thinks something like going on the internet at work will take a whole company down.

 

[Chan the Wizard]

He looks 60.

George H.W. Bush currently looks younger and healthier.

 

[AJMLurker]

Damn, why the hell is Sweet so obsessed with people getting beaten by strangers hiding in allyways with crowbars and pipes? As usual, his attempts to threaten and insult the Farms speak more about himself than it does about us.
First, despite how pissed they would be, most people respect the rules of society and would not resort to beating up a co-worker that got them unintentionally fired. They know assault is a crime and will only make their situation worse. Second, if someone did lose their shit after getting fired, they would use their fists to deliver the beatdown. They aren't going to be hiding in a dark allyway with a crowbar like some creepy moron. Yeah, most people aren't giant pussies who need a crowbar to have a semi-fair chance against their opponent. Get outta of here with that mutant creeper thinking bro. Also stop projecting. You can only acknowledge your disturbing traits if you're throwing them onto someone else.

BTW Sweet, how's the hunt going to find a lawyer to sue the pants off @Dr. Merkwurdichliebe and ASU? I doubt you're getting much done by sitting on your ass and watching cartoons. At this rate, this thread will outlive you.

How can one feel so secure sitting there doing nothing? Why does he hate progress* so much? Why is Sweet so fucking stupid?

Spoiler: *

Your idiot ass better be thankful you were born during the late 20th century. If you were born during the middle ages, oh boy... your parents or someone else would of drown your ass once they picked up on your "special" qualities around age four. Modern progress is why complete imbeciles like you are allowed to live up to age 40 and waste societal resources. You should be thankful.

 

[atomik fyre]

Sweets has often said that due to ObamaCable that he now only gets 2 channels. I didn't quite buy that, so I did some research.

Blytheville, AR is situated between Jonesboro, AR and Memphis, TN, so depending on towers, and tower strength, residents of Blytheville should be able to pick up about 38 channels.
Looking further in, it seems that 13 of these channels will be very weak in the Blytheville area, so I'll discount them. Leaving us with only 25 channels (14 out of Jonesboro, AR, 10 out of Memphis, TN and 1 from Jackson, TN.)
After looking at these 25 channels and finding 8 of them being religious programming, 3 being home shopping channels and 4 being educational in nature, I've narrowed it down to 10 watchable channels by Sweets.
If Sweets doesn't know how to access the sub-channels (I don't know how it is possible to miss these, but it is Sweets we're talking about,) that still leaves 5 watchable channels for him.
I really don't know how he has his decoder box or antenna set up, so that could be the problem... then again, Sweets.

Spoiler

Showing My Work:

Possible channels - 25
out of Jackson, TN
1 by WJKT 16.1 (FOX)

out of Memphis, TN
2 by WTWV 23.1 & 23.2 (WTWV) (religious)
1 by WATN 24.1 (ABC)
2 by WLMT 30.1 & 30.2 (CW, MyNetwork/Me-TV)
5 by WBUT 40.1 - 40.5 (TBN) (religious)

out of Jonesboro, AR
4 by KTEJ/AETN 19.1 - 19.4 (PBS/AETN) (educational)
2 by KJNE 42.1 & 42.2 (FOX, CBS)
1 by KVTJ 48.1 or 49.1 (VTN) (religious)
7 by WPXX 50.1 - 50.6 & 50.15 (Ion, qubo, QVC, HSN) (3 are home shopping)


Low possibility of picking up- 13
out of Memphis, TN
3 from WREG 3.1 - 3.3 (CBS & Antenna TV)
3 from WMC 5.1 - 5.3 (NBC, Grit, Bounce)
2 from WKNO 10.1 & 10.2 (PBS)
3 from WHBQ 13.1 - 13.3 (FOX, Movies!, Decades)

out of Jonesboro, AR
2 from KAIT 8.1 & 8.2 (ABC & NBC)

Online listing for OTA channels in Blytheville, AR

Tower strength website used the Blytheville zip code: 72316

 

[24isthehighestnumber]

Why doesn't he just subscribe to fucking Netflix and fucking shut the fuck up already?
I mean, we're talking about $8 a month, right?