🎨 Artcow Iconoclast / Jonathan Mack Sweet - The Chris-Chan of Arkansas

[wheat pasta]

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If only Sweet Bro had the means to buy things online...

Those knives are actually amazing, if anyone was wondering

 

[Dr. Merkwurdichliebe]

Part of me thinks he heard it in some shitty direct-to-video action movie and thought "Wow that sounds badass."

You have probably hit the nail on the head.

One of the characters in Evil Dead II is armed with a bone knife.

You know, if Sweet could get over his fear of new technology, he could easily go to Proboards and start his own forum. He might pick up some old AJMers. Yeah, he'd probably ban everyone who didn't agree with him, but he could at least try.

The domain name for my previous suggestion -- VanWithNoWindows.com -- is still available.

 

[DrChristianTroy]

You have probably hit the nail on the head.

One of the characters in Evil Dead II is armed with a bone knife.

Wait has he mentioned Evil Dead II? I love having the image in my head that every bit of pop culture he likes is wack or he's way too old for. This would ruin that.

 

[Dr. Merkwurdichliebe]

Wait has he mentioned Evil Dead II? I love having the image in my head that every bit of pop culture he likes is wack or he's way too old for. This would ruin that.

True. Evil Dead II was released in 1987, only a year or two after Sweet's emotional development came to a screeching halt. So he could have seen it well before half-past 1997, when his intellectual development was frozen in place like an insect trapped in amber.

Edit to add:

Dr. Merk, I'm thinking he thinks putting someone's head on a "pike" is just sticking it on some sort of sharpened stake. Otherwise, yeah, he'd look up some really obscure name and use that - "Lochaber axe," e.g.

Anyway, are you busy later? I hate to be a bother, but you're well-acquainted with my BBC fetish, and you know that despite their excellent, bad-boy-free journalism, I don't mean the news organization...

Unfortunately, my parts have not been ripened by exposure to the Southern sun and then allowed to mature in a car trunk or poorly ventilated basement, so you might be a bit disappointed.

 

[Chan the Wizard]

New journal: https://archive.is/opgIp


Edit: highlights: Sweet wants a 24-28 to come be his slave. He doesn't say it, but I'm guessing no niggos need to apply.

 

[DrJonesHat]

More of the same. And again with thinking that he needs ASU to get tech-savvy. My parents, who are in their 70s, are far more technologically skilled than Sweet. My mother uses Facebook regularly. Sweet, the only think stopping you from learning is you. I haven't set foot in a college computer lab since the late nineties and I'm up to date. You have the whole goddamn internet. Use it, and stop whining.

 

[ToroidalBoat]

Sharing a computer is such a drag.

Sweet complained about this awhile back already. Sweet also describes the area he lives in as being a technological backwater, and that he "glazes over" when a "tech pinhead" tries to explain basic modern technology to him. Sweet also still has problems with transferring files, it seems.

The latest belchblog also goes into more detail what kind of TV show Sweet would make if he could. It'd apparently be a show with "just fun, silly jokes, quirky characters, and humor that is strange for the sake of being strange."

grew up with fond memories of dissecting dead cats@ in school

Why are those "fond memories?" Again with the odd and red flag raising powerleveling.

Apparently, no one told him how to get the "diamond" appraised, so he needs a 24-28 year old (why the specific age requirement?) assistant to do that for him. Sweet's rationale for an assistant is that he can't keep up with the modern world like most normal people can, so he needs someone to hold his hand so he can "write and create in peace."

Sweet likes to use "they can't comprehend" or the like. Probably a more subtle way of thinking critics are dumber than him because most people can't fathom the... unique outlook on the world he has.

Oh yeah, and with Sweet admitting he's out of touch and can't relate to "hashtags and emoji," how can he still think he can pass himself off as a college student with just a hairpiece, working out, and getting his throat problem treated?

 

[He Sets Me On Fire]

Sure, in your age of Kindle and Hulu and mp3 players, this seems almost quaint, but to my generation it's like only yesterday.

I'm a year older than you, Jon. I've experienced everything you brought up about growing up through the 70s and 80s. I made to adulthood juuuuuuuuuuuuuust fine and, as noted, so did your family. What went wrong with you? Not enough brain stems to pass around when you were born?

I get bored when some little tech pinhead starts nattering on at me about "blah blah blah Kickstarter blah blah blah Patreon yab yab yab Instagram and Twitter and makeup and stickers and Myspace.com... and you could have all this!". My eyes glaze over. I don't know what those things are.

Then you're dumb. They have 'about me' pages, and there are always videos on youtube that explain them. They're not complicated, in fact, they're often easy to learn. If you can't follow the simplicity of those sites, you have a severe cognitive problem that you refuse to address, and deserve to be left starving like a dog in the darkness with the heat shut off.

You're dumb.

Or, more precisely, I hear faraway, vague rumors from somewhere over a very distant horizon about them, but we don't have that [sic] here. It is alien to me.

Well, why don't you simply call the Myspace company and have them come out and install a Myspace in your home? And I'm sure Instagram will open a local office in a mall near you soon. I mean, these are really popular outfits, man. I hear they might even have a presence on the internet!

Before the millennial generation-- before the millenium [sic] -- we had shows like Eek! the Cat@, the new Casper@ cartoon, and Space Goofs@*... cartoons that were cool because they didn't try to dumb down their humor just to be 'hip'.

Cartoons of the 90s sucked. BTAS was good. Gargoyles looked good. Hey Arnold! had it's moments. The rest sucked.

I'd like to get a personal assistant, about 24-28, preferably college-educated, who can serve me as a bridge between my MTV sensibilities and the millennial generation's hashtag-this and emoji-that ones ... sort of get me up to speed on what I need to know to communicate and maximize my earning potential in a fast-changing world. They would not only serve as a soundboard for jokes and help with tweaking dialogue, but be billed as an editor on the comic (though I'd have final say on content), but [sic] also drive me into town if I need errands run, to go to church, to go shopping, want takeout, want to get my "diamond" appraised, want to have my old computer files transferred to my laptop, and deal with whatever it is I need handled... leaving me free to write and create in peace.

'

Jon is tacitly admitting here that he cannot do anything, ANYTHING, on his own, including his stupid, ugly comic.

What all this aims to say is, sure, it's one thing to write a joke about a character so clueless that he fails to realize that Paul Harvey died several years ago and angrily phones the local radio station to ask why they stopped running those "The Rest of the Story" segments* ... but quite a different matter to realize that you have become this out-of touch.

...Before you ask, no, I didn't do this, although I didn't know he has [sic] died until some time afterward, and was wondering why there was [sic] so many fill-in hosts sitting in for Harvey. The family chose to keep his passing and cause of death quiet.

Jon: You're dumb.

Finally, understand this: I don't begrudge people for having more than me, but I don't think they realize that they come off as major douchebags [sic] when they start going on about it. Why do these people think they're so slick when they start yammering on about "I is go to an in'naview las' week an-an'ney gi'bded me $70 worth of cool stuff an-an-an'en I's spent $70 on Star Wars tickets! Yay me!"

Jon begrudges people for having more than him.

Oh, shut up.

Again, Captain Coward, I invite you to make us shut up.

This man has a [sic] mind.

 

[AnOminous]

Apparently, no one told him how to get the "diamond" appraised, so he needs a 24-28 year old (why the specific age requirement?) assistant to do that for him.

He's still sperging about some piece of junk that wouldn't be that valuable even if it were an actual diamond?

It's hard to fathom his stupidity.

 

[ToroidalBoat]

Given how inept Sweet is at using newfangled computational devices, I wonder just how much malware there is on the computers over at the Sweet house? Sweet seems like the kind of guy who would be tricked into thinking that those ads disguised as Windows alerts are real (like "WARNING! Your desktop is too boring!").

The state of the computers at the Sweet house is probably not unlike the Sweet yard.

 

[atomik fyre]

Sweets, I here by nominate myself to be your sounding board for any thing you don't understand about modern day tech and pop culture. We'll also work on improving your comic. Anything that can be done by text or e-mail, I'm your man. Sorry I don't live close enough to cart you around. Serious, sign in and PM me. Not joking, let's get you up on the times so you stop looking like such a fool.

 

[Shadow Fox]

And just how does Sweetums intend to pay this theoretical personal assistant? Wait, wait, don't tell me - he's going to reimburse her with the diamond he found.

Once again, the mind boggles at how a grown man could have literally the entire internet at his fingertips and not know how to figure out what Instagram, MySpace (teehee) or Patreon are. And it would probably blow his mind to discover that some people, when they embark on a project like a novel or webcomic, do extensive research and learn amazing new things to prepare to write it.

Saying that Jon is an idiot isn't even A-logging anymore, it's just a simple statement of fact.

 

[The I Scream Man]

Yeah I hate to burst your bubble Johnny Boy, but seeing as I work closely with our local newspaper office and interact weekly with television, radio, and print personalities, I can tell you right now that they don't get a fucking thing comped, unless their specific job is "review this movie" or "review this album" or something of that nature.

I will say this though...your jealousy is just palpable you're so incredibly jealous of everything that I, that WE, have... all things that are denied to you. I go on dates (you may have heard of them), I own vehicles (and a DRIVERS LICENSE!!!!!), I have colleagues who respect and admire me. I was trying to show you that all this could be yours if you'd stop being clinically retarded about damn near everything, but fine man, have it your way: wallow in your misery and focus entirely on what you do not have and will never have again, because even IF it ever existed, it will not exist in that form for you again. Time moves on, change is the only constant. You live in a country where reinvention is very, very possible, and you choose to ignore it in favor of whining, bloviating even, about things that don't fucking matter even a little to anyone.

Like...I offered you a goddamn olive branch man. If you'd said anything close to, "hey man you might have a point", then that would have been enough for me to continue on that line of reasoning. You wouldn't have had to say I'm right about anything related to you personally, but if you could acknowledge that these are universal truths, constants that are agreed upon by everyone else as "reality"...that's honest to God the first step man. If you can perceive the playing field, that we ALL exist on, and the rules that EVERYONE ELSE plays with, then you are halfway to putting your life back together. You can't just take pieces from Sorry! and try to play Risk with them, it doesn't work! It just doesn't, and I could pontificate upon a million examples of this being true. My whole point was that you were trying so fucking hard to push that Sisyphean boulder that you were missing out on all the opportunities that you are letting walk right past you.

I spent way too fucking long looking for this. THIS IS YOUR LIFE. THIS IS YOU. WHO ARE YOU, JOHN? YOU ARE A GUY WHO DOESN'T REALIZE HE'S WASTING ALL HIS TIME.

You know what the hardest thing on Earth will be? Resisting the overwhelming urge to spoil the new Star Wars movie on your DeviantArt. You can delete the comment, but YOU CAN'T UNREAD IT.

 

[AnOminous]

You know what the hardest thing on Earth will be? Resisting the overwhelming urge to spoil the new Star Wars movie on your DeviantArt. You can delete the comment, but YOU CAN'T UNREAD IT.

I heard that they actually hired a Negro to act in it. This may offend Sweetums.

 

[Adamska]

I heard that they actually hired a Negro to act in it. This may offend Sweetums.

The sad thing is I can see him not remember Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian.

 

[He Sets Me On Fire]

Sweet: Star Wars? What's that? Some kind of new-fangled reality show where washed-up has-beens from Dynasty and MASH duke it out?

Kiwis: It's a major film franchise that debuted in 1977 and received a massive revival in the 90s. It's been in the media ever since, and was recently purchased by Disney. It's nearly impossible to avoid hearing about it these days due to a new movie coming out a little more than a month from now.

Sweet: We didn't get any of that out here!

 

[Ti-99/4A]

How can you get a 4 year college degree and yet be almost as dumb as Leonard F. Shaner Jr. on almost every level?

 

[Shadow Fox]

How can you get a 4 year college degree and yet be almost as dumb as Leonard F. Shaner Jr. on almost every level?

By ignoring your studies in favor of sumptuous buffets, cartoons, flatulence and your nonexistent "career" as a "newspaperman" for all four years.

 

[Sanae Kochiya]

I love how he says he doesn't understand Patreon. Guess no one told him how it's a system where people will literally pay him to do more Belch Dimension comics.

I'd be more than willing to show him how it works, though! ... I request a $100 advance payment.

 

[ToroidalBoat]

get a 4 year college degree and yet be almost as dumb as Leonard F. Shaner Jr.[...]

Sweet has an obvious aversion to learning, like ADF has to bathing. For example, I recall Sweet saying that the ASU museum should phase out "boring" exhibits (like stuff from Native American cultures) for lowbrow freakshow stuff (or something like that). And of course, we have Sweet's recent admission that he "glazes over" when people try to explain basic usage of modern technology to him.

And remember how Sweet had a "cuckoocloudlander's minder" (as he put it) in college? Maybe his desire for an "assistant" is a desire for a new "cuckoocloudlander's minder" -- as part of going back to half-past 1997?