How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Still keeping my head above water, next month I’ll have paid back what I owe my parents for helping me move and then I’ll only have my credit card left (plus I’ll have to decide if I can save up for a car for winter or if I’ll be biking it).

i do find it ironic that I literally live one street north of the social core of the city but I haven’t gone to a single bar or had anyone over once since I moved. Maybe I’ll look into changing that this weekend but I’m not really feeling it.
 
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I love how my migraine and other illness decided to make me feel better, right around the time I'm to go to work later tonight. I expect to once again be overworked to death, to appease the capitalist foreign babbling doggies that seemingly are the only ones populating our store anymore.

Because of the World Cup shitfest, I expect we are to lose some foreign niggers who're going to chimp out over whatever stupid results their ball-game is going to be about. Not like the foreign trash that get hired here are given enough of a leg up over people like me and others, because of how utterly exploitative they are that they'll do anything for their capitalist overlords.

I'm still pissed off that I lost both time and money to recovering, I'm again at the brink of attendance points. And me and my store have such a jaded and disconnected relationship with eachother, we're both looking for any reason like the store is definitely trying to find any reason to fire me and I'm trying to find any reason possible to hold them accountable for any foul play on their part to personally hold them to.
 
Everything feels so incredibly bleak just now. It shouldn’t, it’s summer, I have the weekend to relax a bit, but i just feel utterly devoid of hope for the future and incapable of happiness, contentment or even small joys.
How does one move past this complete block? Everything is terrible. Work is terrible, home not great, world is falling apart (although that’s not my fault and maybe I should just ignore it…) I have another couple of decades before I can retire and my job is unsustainably awful and stressful, it’s going to give me a stroke if I carry on this way (which would at least solve the issue, I suppose…) I tried moving companies, the new one was the same as the old one and my entire field is the same .
I’m trying to be positive and it’s all just falling completely flat. I do not want to exist in this world. I’ve had enough. Obviously this is not an option and I must continue to exist because nobody else is going to do the fucking laundry but it would be good to at least have the smallest glimmer of hope for the future.
What am I supposed to DO to get out of this? It’s been years, what am I doing wrong ?
 
BohemianBorzoi dijo:
I wish I could go back and get into something like welding but that's not feasible right now. I'm able to be self taught, but only after I have the basics of what I'm doing down. I dislike building foundational knowledge without instruction from someone who knows what they're doing. I can't afford classes, but I'm also too nervous to waste metal for learning purposes.
Presiona para expandir...
Have you considered maybe travelling abroad and learn a trade? If you already have metal work training, it could be an in.

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I begrudgingly accepted that my 10+ year old monitor is dying and I bought a new one at a discount. Upgrading from 24" to 28" which might not seem like a lot but I don't have a ton of desk space. I had considered getting a second, cheaper monitor but decided against it for now as my PC is turning 9 years old, and I think I want to see if I can't get a small upgrade to it, as I don't need to play the latest and greatest AAA game when games cost 70 dollarydoos on release.
I am by no means poor but I need to budget my money better than I have been.
 
I'm struggling.

Difficulties with some friends and I don't seem to have any time to get stuff done. My husband is working long hours so the stuff he needs to get sorted in the house is piling up and not getting done. Also, money worries. Kill me.
 
Otterly dijo:
Everything feels so incredibly bleak just now. It shouldn’t, it’s summer, I have the weekend to relax a bit, but i just feel utterly devoid of hope for the future and incapable of happiness, contentment or even small joys.
How does one move past this complete block? Everything is terrible. Work is terrible, home not great, world is falling apart (although that’s not my fault and maybe I should just ignore it…) I have another couple of decades before I can retire and my job is unsustainably awful and stressful, it’s going to give me a stroke if I carry on this way (which would at least solve the issue, I suppose…) I tried moving companies, the new one was the same as the old one and my entire field is the same .
I’m trying to be positive and it’s all just falling completely flat. I do not want to exist in this world. I’ve had enough. Obviously this is not an option and I must continue to exist because nobody else is going to do the fucking laundry but it would be good to at least have the smallest glimmer of hope for the future.
What am I supposed to DO to get out of this? It’s been years, what am I doing wrong ?
Presiona para expandir...
You of all people have earned a good long break, fren. We all have basic human dignity to not be treated like fungible workers or caregivers, but you absolutely have earned one.
 
Coming from someone who was labeled a covert narc recently by a person I felt was was a good friend, it is actually terrifying to me how many narcissists are actually out there now. How a hood chunk if your life is having to deal with them. And the only real decent methods that always work are leaving jobs/places these people excel in,sometimes consistently, or just physical violence. It's amazing how much that shit always actually just works, without exception, despite everyone in the modern world pretending it doesn't.
It's crazy how you become a magnet for certain behaviors throughout your life all because you probably experienced those things in childhood, and that the first decade or two of your life can just determine how things are going to go.
I don't want to just leave another new job, but this was never going to be long term. I'm enjoying actually having actual arms and being in better shape for once, But there's things I've just realized I'm not dealing with anymore, even if it means less financial security.
But it's kind of demoralizing that this is the case in a non-negligible amount of jobs, relationships and social circles.
Faced with the very real reality that I might not actually have anywhere to stay soon. One of those cases of "Don't have many ways to get to work, so don't have many places to choose from". I thought i had options but i guess not. Not really happy with my job or honestly, lot of things. But also so many things are going well. This might be the final guttural kick to the soul I need to just leave. That'd be a great birthday gift for myself honestly.

Going to have an honest conversation with my boss tomorrow (who I didn't give the documents about my coworker to last Friday). Have an honest discussion about my living/transport situation along with give her documentation and say due to the mix of factors going on that I probably am not a good fit for the company and might nit be able to work tgere much longer.

So yes, i will very possibly be homeless and jobless soon. But I'll also be somewhere better. And things will get better. They always have. I'm nervous and a little down, but funny enough I'm not anywhere in the same universe as the guy who wanted to die a month or two back. No suicide ideation at all honestly. I'm looking forward to stepping into the beautiful unknown.

I'm not going back to living situations with people that made me uncomfortable, I'm not staying with jobs I'm not respected at, I'm not staying in places and in attitudes that don't fulfill me. And I'm not thinking I don't deserve or cant get whatever I want from life. I was not that guy when I made my account here a couple of years ago.

Thank you guys for helping me through my very chaotic highs and lows over time. Especially everyone who helped me recently when I truly had no one in my life I could turn to. You really are kind people. But...

Somehow, someway... I'm going to be just fine.
 
I have had chronic nightmares from PTSD for years and I just woke up from my worst one yet. I always sleep with my hand hanging from the bed and suddenly as I was falling asleep I felt another hand (FIVE FINGERS, LIKE HUMAN) grasp my hand from beneath, intertwining with my fingers. Keep in mind I had no idea I was asleep at this point.

I snatched my hand away and a figure started rising from under the bed. I couldn't move so I screamed for it to disappear in the name of God until it disintegrated and I woke up.

I will leave my hand on the bed from now on
 
Otterly dijo:
Everything feels so incredibly bleak just now. It shouldn’t, it’s summer, I have the weekend to relax a bit, but i just feel utterly devoid of hope for the future and incapable of happiness, contentment or even small joys.
How does one move past this complete block? Everything is terrible. Work is terrible, home not great, world is falling apart (although that’s not my fault and maybe I should just ignore it…) I have another couple of decades before I can retire and my job is unsustainably awful and stressful, it’s going to give me a stroke if I carry on this way (which would at least solve the issue, I suppose…) I tried moving companies, the new one was the same as the old one and my entire field is the same .
I’m trying to be positive and it’s all just falling completely flat. I do not want to exist in this world. I’ve had enough. Obviously this is not an option and I must continue to exist because nobody else is going to do the fucking laundry but it would be good to at least have the smallest glimmer of hope for the future.
What am I supposed to DO to get out of this? It’s been years, what am I doing wrong ?
Presiona para expandir...
1. Forget "the world's ills" as part of your mental health. Didn't cause it; can't fix it; having it affect you is displacement.

2. With the job, &c., if it is that crushing and nothing eases anything, then something/s has to change. What that is/ those are is going to be a unique and complex formula - and it won't likely be a quick one. If occasional weekends away or the usual diversions aren't cutting it, then some extended and different to what you've previously done introspection is due. You know certain things (or certain things about certain things) are problems, but aside from the objectively outsized work delivery expectations, I expect that whatever you've identified as the problem may not be the whole story. That's not to say those things aren't real, and causing you tremendous grief and a depressed mindset, but they are probably even worse due to particular interplay with your own internal world, which for most people isn't always a glass lake at dawn. Maybe there's more to understand about yourself.

3. Consider whether you have truly tried everything, or if you maybe have dismissed some types of things (that could potentially be useful) out of hand.

4. If the nature of your work has become unbearable, it may be useful - even if just as a thought exercise, but a thorough one, not done in a day/ week/ month - to consider other options.

...
I'll spare the readers any of my major struggles atm, but I will say I've hiked/ trail-walked 21 miles in 2 days. I've got blisters the size of Georgia on the bottoms of my feet, and my hips (of all things - they are usually the one body part that never complain) are now asking me what they have done to deserve this. Not muscles, not the usual ankle that squawks if I take an odd step, not my mangled neck vertebrae and associated muscles - mainly just the hips. Fortunately they soften up after about 20 seconds of moving, but very weird. WORTH IT.

In any case, my couple of days in nature has been very enjoyable, restorative, and a much bigger deal for me than a few days heading off into the semi-wild should be. But it is what it is - I did the things I intended and wanted to do, (and quite a few I had no plan for but just went and did) and I (literally) don't recall the last time I did that for myself.

And to touch on what I said I wouldn't: I have had the most wonderful time (mostly) not thinking a constant stream of worry and analysis and criticism and comparison and strife.

I'm apprehensive about returning to regular life, but I'm making an effort not to fall into that dumb thought pattern - bc there's literally no other option, so no sense fretting. Plus I have a travel day coming up that will be a half day through beautiful forest, and by and across beautiful water. Have a destination for a latte and a doughnut and a walk by the water in mind for mid-morning/mid-road-time, so all is well.
 
My father might die soon. Cancer. And well, "soon" is relative but I have a nagging feeling that saying "years" left would be a delusional cope...
I got some fairly bad news about him today, and idk how to describe the feeling other than "Life just isn't fair". No shit right?
It's just like, it's more than "Why does my dad have to die?", it's about the difference between my life and relationships now, versus when I was a child.
How I grew up feeling that things were unfair.
Why didn't my family have much money? Why didn't I have many friends? Why didn't people seem to like me? Why couldn't I get good grades? Why did I grow up with less than other kids?

As I grew older though, and as I entered adulthood, I realized that maybe things weren't so unfair.
My parents were together and they loved me, my Grandparents loved me, they made sure I knew. The area I lived in might have been boring, but it was a lot safer than everywhere around where we lived, and I wasn't dumb or weird, I was just eccentric and loved talking to people.

Why's life unfair then?
Well, I look back on the things and people I took for granted, and realize just how fucking unfair it is that my father busted his ass for years, and gave me the childhood I took for granted at the time, is going to die.
That before him, my grandparents who loved me, died in squalor I knew nothing about, because they didn't want to get a smaller place they could take care of, simply because it wouldn't fit my parents POS sibling.
These people who actually made me happy, a happiness I took for granted, are dying unfair, sad deaths.

Another factor for why I feel this way might be due to just how great my life is outside of these situations.
Good relationship, very high paying job, the ability to go anywhere and buy anything I realistically want, healthy, and my daily life is pretty happy outside of these circumstances.
So it just feels weirdly inversive of my childhood, to have basically everything I ever materially wanted, as I've been watching the things I took for granted and wish I could experience more, disappear from my life...
Lastly, to add insult to injury, my father has spent a long time wanting to be a grandparent, and well, I'm worried he might not ever get the change to be one... not that I lack the ability, but more so I think he might lack the time... just a painful realization on my part, something I'm sure he's realized, but is too good to let me know of..
 
Última edición:
Been feeling weird lately, I've gained a little bit of weight because I just can't stop binge eating after I arrive home from work, also there's this weird feeling on what I think is my right kidney, so im very stressed right now for letting myself go and not take a more serious approach to living life and put an end to those terrible habits
 
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