How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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A little better than yesterday in light of the UK rape report. Saw some women wearing hijabs it took everything in me to not snap. I keep imagining pulling the hijabs off and telling them to go back to their country. I really have never felt so strongly about this ever I prey to god I get over these horrible thoughts.
 
I'm actually in a cautiously good mood today -- to the extent that I was even polite to a jeet I dealt with. Put that on the calendar.

I met my financial planner this week and he urged me to retire early, in as little as four years, because working past that wouldn't really make much sense in a time spent vs. money received sense.

I watched my parents truly struggle in the early 1980s when a lot of the world was deep in recession. The city I lived in nearly collapsed due to depression-era levels of unemployment, high interest rates and industries that lost less money simply not operating. That scarcity should have made me paranoid about money, but I went the other way and was a profligate spender for decades. It was about 15 years ago that I finally woke up and realized that I needed to be serious about money.

And so I saved money and invested it with a mania. Having a good paying job didn't hurt. And 15 years later I'm in the position that I can actually retire relatively young. It won't be an extravagant retirement, but I now have a choice of whether I want to work past 60.
 
Is there such a thing as a mental disorder that makes you like an inherently evil person? That makes it that friendship and emotional closeness is something to be abstained from? Is that my life, was I born evil?

I just hope it’s not the case and I’m being a hypochondriac, I can’t sit right with the idea that I have an illness that makes me inherently toxic to be close to. Like what do you even do then. Kill yourself?
 
Curse my taste in furniture. Just found an antique desk + chair that I would LOVE to own and paint a deeper brown than it already is, but it fits nothing in my home and I dislike how literally all of my furniture clashes.
Not that it matters, I don't have guests over anyway.
 
Otterly dijo:
Another stressful day. I feel like I’m dead inside. It’s just stress and more stress, never anything enjoyable, or relaxing. My life is devoid of joy and has been for a while and I don’t know how to find my way back.
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I'm so sorry you've been going through this for a long time. Someone with your grace and intelligence should be innovating and spearheading amazing breakthroughs in science and medicine, leading a team who appreciates you... and not working for the UK equivalent of a Japanese black company.
I don't have any easy answers, just know that you do matter. Not that you think it's an option but if you do, please don't do anything to hurt yourself. I know, no shit, but still.
You are someone. You being a hardworking mother supporting a family who put herself through med school is not in vain. Your wisdom and kind words on here are not uncherished. You have value and I hope you can get some much needed peace as soon as possible.
If you can in the meantime, I'd suggest just any kind of temporary distraction. A film, a record,a book,some videos of otters, some time with kids when you can.
I really hope you and everyone else on here dealing with totalitarian jobs can have some breakthrough and get to the other side of all of this.
 
Última edición:
The cute Chinese girl called me out of the blue tonight to tell me she missed me a lot and wished I was living in the city. Saying none of the guys there were cool to her like I was.
She's messaged me before checking in on me and telling me she was thinking about me.
I've never had a girl do this to me. I feel overwhelmed that a sweet girl out there actually would be thinking about me like that after only meeting for a couple of days. This is all new to me.
Feels really nice.
 
Getmeout dijo:
Is there such a thing as a mental disorder that makes you like an inherently evil person? That makes it that friendship and emotional closeness is something to be abstained from? Is that my life, was I born evil?

I just hope it’s not the case and I’m being a hypochondriac, I can’t sit right with the idea that I have an illness that makes me inherently toxic to be close to. Like what do you even do then. Kill yourself?
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If you were genuinely "evil" you wouldn't see it as a mental illness or care enough about it to want to kill yourself over how tawwwwksicc you are.
 
Got the wedding rings.
The priority is the house and I'm glad my partner is on the same page. We couldn't care less about the wedding since it's a huge song and dance for our families but we are our priority and most of the worry is the house. In this country where housing is a premium, and renovation work can be costly, I'm glad the choice of house and spouse has been good.
 
After MONTHS of nothing I finally got a new job. On paper it might be the best gig I can get, really good pay, great hours, less workload than a standard homeroom teacher but more prestigious than your typical cramschool teacher. If I can get through two years without issues to build up some consistency as an elementary teacher then the sky is the limit for my career as an international teacher.
If not, then I will pack my bags and head back home.
 
Had a really cool conversation with one of the 100% remote people at work. Did the bugman IT guy thing of sending him a slack message asking how do program work, and we proceeded to shoot the shit on everything but the thing I was trying to figure out for an hour.

Idk, it's weird to me. I have plenty of friends I've known for 10 or 20 years, but sometimes it still blows my mind that people want to talk with me and associate with me. A few layoffs where some executive sociopath forces themselves to cry during the meeting to show how they're weawwy weawwy sad about shit-canning you will do a number on your confidence. But we can repair it.
 
Otterly dijo:
I’m a terrible sleeper. Minor health issue which is hopefully being (slowly) sorted but makes me very fatigued, total overwhelm and burnout at work to the point I want to throw myself off a building at the thought of another twenty years of it, and just generally finding life a sad, unrewarding depressing hell. The usual really. I’m burned out, and tired and I just want to get off the ride .
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When you start losing it, sleep is the first thing to go and it compounds all the other issues. I was never a great sleeper, very light and prone to waking from any discomfort, but when I broke completely the ability to sleep went with it. Whenever I'd start crossing the bridge from conscious to unconscious, I would slam into a brick wall and go back to full alertness. I'd start sweating almost uncontrollably and feel an intense need to move, to say nothing of the frustration. Melatonin and magnesium never worked, either. It's ok, tho; the drugs my psych loaded me up with are almost impossible to stay awake on anyway. Nowadays, without the benefit of heavy duty medication, sleep is misery and more an exercise in discipline than anything else.
 
Burning Bridge dijo:
Whenever I'd start crossing the bridge from conscious to unconscious, I would slam into a brick wall and go back to full alertness.
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This is very interesting because I get this and I’ve never heard anyone else describe it. I assume it’s the body and mind keeping you alert to some false perceived danger. falling asleep? 🚨 danger!
 
Harambe dijo:
Just took a serious test to join a prestigious part of the government. Find out in two days. Tonight I'm drinking. If I succeed, I get to drink and eat something nice. If I fail, I do the same but smoke some weed too, then resume sobriety so I can try again next year.

The stress is gone, just a bit of fatalism. It's a job I want and would love to do.
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I passed the test. Now for clearance, medical, and waiting in the lists to see if the feddies actually want to hire me.
 
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