How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Dealing with the sad reality that all the women I enjoy being around are twice my age. People in general, but jesus did covid fuck women up something fierce. I still meet guys my age or even younger who are into cool shit. Girls... yes kind of? But they're also insane and LARPing a lot of the time.
I know it's way more of a taboo and social suicide now to have large age gaps than in the past, even if the other party is well into the adulthood. It sucks because I think 90% of my negative thoughts about women have only really come from interacting with the ones who grew up in a post social media age. I think it's purely a generational thing.
People can call me a degenerate or hag-maxxer but it's not a fetish, I just really think older women are more fun to be around and talk with. Even platonically. I met an old lady at a thrift shop recently and we talked for about an hour about classic foreign cinema and places in the world she's visited. I could not and have not had a discussion like that with any woman under 40, especially the ones who make it their goal in life to convince everyone they really are interested in niche things.
There's a general pattern of misandry, agreeableness, drama and lack of grace for millennial women that kind of just sours me on wanting to date them anymore. I had a great time with the chinese girl recently and I'm not disrespecting her... but she was just very normal and there was a lot of my interests I couldn't realistically talk to her about, not because they're weird, but because she would have no idea what the fuck I was talking about.
I can still make friends with older women and that's fine. But at some point I'd like some actual romantic company. I know the states are more weird on that than most places.

And no, I'm not talking about some tomboy gf who can talk to me about Gundam all day. I'm completely fine with a traditional woman. I just mean a straight forward woman who can keep up a conversation and won't get the ick at random or treat my presence as an inconvenience. Someone who actually has opinions that are theirs', can actually be funny or has some interest in doing something with their life.

Is it so much to talk to a girl who knows about a couple bands, films or books that isn't a histrionic e-girl in clown makeup with cluster b tendencies? Doesn't even have to be my interests. Just a woman with interests in general? I know they used to exist once upon a time long ago. I'm not insane noticing this shit.

"Oh, they just aged out of all that stuff." No. It really seems like a new phenomenon. It's not a bias, it's just pattern recognition. I've never had a problem at all talking about any topic possible with and being on good terms with Boomer/Gen X women. The women in my age bracket or even slightly older, it is a wasteland out here.

People can say I'm just a bitter moid but it's the truth. It's not about hitting the gym or having a better jaw line or knowing how to socialize better or any of that shit. It's really stark realizing you could have had pretty much a normal, productive social life with the opposite sex if you were born 30 years ago.

It's a completely different world now. I really don't think anyone who didn't have to grow up and make their formative years in this shit knows just how actually fucked everything is.


I notice anytime I meet people from outside my hometown or go a new place, they're generally kind, amiable people that are really quick to want to stay in touch and meet again. But there's such a culture of passive aggressive bitterness and self-inflicted isolation in my town that's gotten worse with time. It seems so impossible to meet people or have genuine interactions when most are just trying to take out their misery on you if you're not as much of a cunt as them.
"If everyone is an asshole to you, you're the asshole." Nope. Not hearing it.
"B-but you won't solve all your problems by going somewhere new!" No, just most of them.
I've heard it all before.
The only thing that was keeping me in my town was my friend. Now that that ship has sailed and gone, I'm no longer shackled.
Reminds me of one of my favorite movies, An Elephant Sitting Still. Four strangers living lives of quiet desolation in the most depressing Chinese city debate whether they should go a couple towns over to see this elephant that is rumored to constantly just be sitting in place. They debate if going to see some folk tale elephant will really change anything and if they should just accept whatever life tosses them in a bleak existence. Well, they still decide fuck it and go see that motherfucking elephant, because why not. One of the most beautiful endings to a film ever.
In life we kind of get like that. We put off the future because we can't see it making any real difference... or even worse we know it might deep down and the idea of actually being in a good place is so foreign and alien to people it's the most terrifying idea of all, we say how dumb it is to believe in things we used to as kids. We debate ourselves out of any decision even when we know we're unhappy and stuck. We just tell ourselves we're happy, or that things have to be this way. And sometimes that can be the case if you have family and commitments, but there's so much freedom we don't even give ourselves. We don't go for new things, we don't really actualize the dreams. It's the worst place to be.
If I end up moving to some new place and I'm still unhappy, I'll at least finally have my answer. But why not just find that out? I'm just happy to know I can actually do something.

You guys can, too. Whatever you're going through, no matter how much time you wasted, you can have a new life. You can live how you want to live. You can be who you want to be. You can be around good company, you can become good at a good amount of things. You can do so much more than you're giving yourself credit for. I know finances, personal history and our connections can sometimes limit those things a bit... but not nearly as much as most people say.
 
Feeling a little bit empty.
About 5 a.m., my orange tabby cat had the equivalent of a widowmaker and died*.
I was actually awake, since I'd just bashed my hand on the nightstand because of a dream I was having -- that someone blew into my face (like you do to annoy someone) to wake me up and I was pushing them away. Which is how I bashed my hand. I was trying to squeeze in a couple more minutes of sleep before I had to get up for work and I hear a really horrible yowl. My cat had dragged himself to my room and he was dying. He was just shy of six years old, so this was unexpected. At least I was able to be with him and care for him in his last minute. He knew I was there, touching him; then he gasped a couple of times and passed. Poor little guy.
He was one of the most intelligent cats I've ever had, a wily little bastard. You could actually watch him work out a problem that had a couple of steps to solving it for a result that was favorable to him. Also, lively, playful, and had a sort of guy sense of humor. Never sick a day in his life until now.
That dream I'd had though? That was some contact from the spiritual world, to wake me just in time.

I have three other cats, we are all sad. (I know jokes here write themselves about old ladies with multiple cats, no offense taken, I know you love your pets too. May they all be well. You too.) 🐱

* Veterinarian's opinion.
 
I don't know if it's depression, burnout, or some other mental health shit that's making me feel this way, but every piece of media I interact with, be it movies, tv shows, games, and books, they all just fucking suck. I am so sick and tired of media of all forms and I don't what to do with myself as I don't have friends that are willing to make time to hang out, even if they did they'd just want to play video games together, which just sounds like torture to me now.
 
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I don't know if it's depression, burnout, or some other mental health shit that's making me feel this way, but every piece of media I interact with, be it movies, tv shows, games, and books, they all just fucking suck. I am so sick and tired of media of all forms and I don't what to do with myself as I don't have friends that are willing to make time to hang out, even if they did they'd just want to play video games together, which just sounds like torture to me now.
Something is telling you that media is not what you should be doing!
 
I realized I'm just the new guy most of the guys are fucking with and micromanaging over every task despite busting ass everyday. I don't mind that in doses, but hearing that shit from niggers when it's 90 degrees out makes me think I'm going to do something a little rash. It's usually the kind of joke that isn't one. You know when people think you're too retarded to notice that they're clowning you?
And yes, they do that to each other too but it's still just as awkward and uncomfortable to see it happening to others. I don't mean fat/gay jokes. I mean guys legitimately about to kill each other or publicly shunning a dude in front of all their coworkers.
This is that weird zone if you don't want to deal with criminals and addicts just trying to make you as miserable as them you're automatically seen as a sensitive millennial snowflake or just can't take the joke, can't vibe with everyone.
This is not that old school masculine 'everyone gets shit but we're bros' energy. It's honestly the type of shit I'd expect from a bunch of women but somehow worse because it's got that midlife crisis low-self esteem-masked-as-bravado shit.
Can you believe this place has a third of the staff it used to have?


I'm calling out today.
They could try to pull something over that, but they can't find people now anyways so they'd be screwing themselves.
I'm going to take the time to square some stuff away and document everything the dude actually has done and present it to the owner on Friday. That means they have five days to understand what's going on and decide if they're going to change anything. If things are not changed by early next week, I'm throwing this dude off his forklift.
It's a wonderful place to be when you just can't give a shit anymore.

This has made me realize I could do better. Most people have told me I've got a great work ethic. If I could actually apply that to a trade, work remote or any gig that isn't bottom of the barrel slum work, I could do quite fine.
 
Feeling a little bit empty.
About 5 a.m., my orange tabby cat had the equivalent of a widowmaker and died*.
I was actually awake, since I'd just bashed my hand on the nightstand because of a dream I was having -- that someone blew into my face (like you do to annoy someone) to wake me up and I was pushing them away. Which is how I bashed my hand. I was trying to squeeze in a couple more minutes of sleep before I had to get up for work and I hear a really horrible yowl. My cat had dragged himself to my room and he was dying. He was just shy of six years old, so this was unexpected. At least I was able to be with him and care for him in his last minute. He knew I was there, touching him; then he gasped a couple of times and passed. Poor little guy.
He was one of the most intelligent cats I've ever had, a wily little bastard. You could actually watch him work out a problem that had a couple of steps to solving it for a result that was favorable to him. Also, lively, playful, and had a sort of guy sense of humor. Never sick a day in his life until now.
That dream I'd had though? That was some contact from the spiritual world, to wake me just in time.

I have three other cats, we are all sad. (I know jokes here write themselves about old ladies with multiple cats, no offense taken, I know you love your pets too. May they all be well. You too.) 🐱

* Veterinarian's opinion.
I am so so sorry for your loss. It never gets easier but your kindness meant there was no death alone, I am just so sorry that time on earth was cut short. You sound like a good owner. They say humans have up to twenty senses, and one of those senses is situations like these. Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel the missing part and hold that emptyness, we often just push it down but its important to process otherwise it eventually bursts out like one of those compressed tubes of joke snakes people buy at the prank stores. Orange cats are the opposite of order and it makes sense theyd surprise you with such chaos in their last moment, being orange and all.

I just adopted a kitten a month ago who a friend rang me up about (works at the shelter) begging me to take her or she was... well... now I have a kitten lol. She reminds me of my late black and white cat a lot, both have such a funny clumsy personality and it feels like she was sent to me as silly as that sounds. Shes very clingy and loves to cuddle, follows me everywhere ever. This life we live is long, so we often see full cycles of the things we love play out, but i dont believe its goodbye forever, and that death is just a state of change in many different ways.
 
Six motherfucking months wait time on a thing i need to do which previously was done in a week and one meeting, tops. Granted, last time i had to do this stuff was roughly ten years ago but six months is a pisstake no matter how you put it. This country is down fucking bad.
 
Terrible, horrible, no good. I know I'm tripping myself up but I can't seem to stop putting down rakes, then stepping on them.

I am Sideshow Bob.
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I’m finally getting the hang of driving! I’m also understanding why people are so angry when driving. Cause like what the heck are people doing on the road? This one time this guy with a big ass truck was just driving oncoming at me, and he just smiled, waved, and kept going. I swerved out the way and he just KEPT driving oncoming. He was wearing a cowboy hat too????
 
I’m finally getting the hang of driving! I’m also understanding why people are so angry when driving. Cause like what the heck are people doing on the road? This one time this guy with a big ass truck was just driving oncoming at me, and he just smiled, waved, and kept going. I swerved out the way and he just KEPT driving oncoming. He was wearing a cowboy hat too????
Honestly my best advice is just to take cruises by yourself and go random places to explore when you feel comfortable enough to drive. My trips out to neighboring states and driving around town blasting whatever music I wanted to helped me combat stress and anxiety so much in the past.
You have a car. You have freedom. Get good at driving that thing and take care of it well and you can go anywhere, see anything you want.
Good on you.
 
OK, so this cold might be COVID. I'm feeling better, my appetite is almost back to normal, my nose isn't as runny, my throat is very mildly sore, I'm not coughing nearly as much and when I breath deeply imy lungs don't feel as full of fluid but I haven't been able to taste/smell anything for a week and when I mentioned it to husband, he's like you need a COVID test. I dunno, by this point it's almost over so is there really a point? My lungs don't feel like they're melting so a course of antibiotics would be overkill. Whatever.
Whatever the fuck this is, and my husband luckily escaped with one bad day and week long sniffles before he passed it on to me. I need my taste to come back, eating is super weird.

I miss salt, but it irritates my stomach so I avoid it
 
So happy I called out of work today. It was 87. I would have killed someone. Manager was completely understanding.
Got a lot done. Pretty much done packing. Bought an 80s record for cheap. Looking at places to rent in different states, the rates aren't as bad as I thought.
I have realized each time I've brought up the idea of moving to people, even someone older I met much recently, they have this annoyance at the thought. They try to warn me the grass isn't always greener, and that living here is cheaper than in a good chunk of places, which is patently wrong. And these people, by admission, are not happy here. It gets weird how when you actually want to be your own person with your own boundaries and goals and actually mean it for once, people get really defensive or act like you're insane for wanting more.
Knowing I'm completely alone would have ruined me a while back. But now there's a bittersweet freedom to it. I know there's not many people rooting for me, who are in my corner unless it's for me fitting into the preconcieved role they want for me. But I have me. And I can meet new people. And life can be more.

I'm sorry if all these posts seem cheesy to people, but I feel like getting to the lowest point has opened something up that wasn't there before. It's not all fun. But it's nice to just say "Oh yeah, I actually don't have the option to die."

Please bully me the next time I end up feeling down or blackpilled and acting like a faggot. Going to avoid that the best I can.
 
They packed it with gauze and I have to change the dressing every day. Really looking forward to that...
UPDATE: I haven't had the pleasure of sticking a filet knife coated in hydrochloric acid into my own bullet wound and twisting it, but I can't imagine it hurts any worse than removing the gauze and repacking an abscess a few millimeters from your asshole with zero anesthetic ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
 
Dog decided to have a dip in one of the "ponds" in the park just a stone's throw away from where I live, nevermind that it looks like it's going to rain soon and we hadn't been on a very long walk to earn that kind of reaction. The pond is essentially just a human-made hole in the dirt where rainwater has gathered since the snow melted in january. Disgusting.
She's chuffed with herself, I can't be mad at that. Now she's chilling like a rock star villain on my pateo, still wet despite my drying her off.

It's the little things that help me remind myself that life isn't 100% misery, maybe it's just 95% misery.
 
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