🐱 You can now purchase ranch dressing by the keg

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/purchase-hidden-valley-ranch-dressing-keg-article-1.3619443


Nothing says happy holidays quite like "a year's worth" of ranch.

As part of a line of ridiculous ranch dressing-themed gifts for the holiday season, Hidden Valley is now offering its famous ranch salad sauce in a five-liter keg. The mini keg is about ten inches high and six inches wide — just large enough to take up too much room in your fridge but, thank heavens, is lined with an FDA-approved material that "keeps the ranch tasting fresh."

It doesn't come full of the white, creamy dressing. The shipment arrives with 12 bottles of ranch that its proud new owner can use to fill the keg on an as-needed basis.

"We want to ensure the ranch is as fresh as possible so people can fill their kegs when they are ready for their parties," a spokesperson told Today Food.

The keg will set you back $50; but considering a 16 ounce bottle goes for about $5 on Amazon.com, one Grant seems like a small price to pay. It's currently available for pre-order and will ship on Dec. 11.

Hidden Valley's other phenomenal dressing-inspired gifts — available through Flavor Gallery — include a ranch fountain with matching tree skirt, "if you can read this…bring me ranch" socks, a "peace, love, ranch" tote bag, dressing bottle coozie and baby onesies.

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

Because god is dead. And fat people pouring Ranch on bacon killed him.

Seriously, people do that!? And I thought pouring ranch dressing on pickles was weird...

 

[polonium]

It depends on the breed I'm sure, and apparently the season as well. But stallion at peak fertility produces 25-100 ml, so call it an average of 62.5 ml, per ejaculation (about 12.5 teaspoons if you need it for a different recipe for some reason).

So unless I've mucked up my math, given the size of the keg and assuming the stallions in question average out against each other by the time the thing is topped off, it's around 80. You have to jack off around 80 horses to fill this keg.

You asked as a joke, but now you have to deal with having the answer somewhere in your brain.

What if you jacked off the same horse 80 times?

 

[Hiragana]

I can feel blood clots forming in my arteries just by looking at the picture.

 

[ICametoLurk]

What if you jacked off the same horse 80 times?

You're have to rub the 18 inch penis for about 30 minutes (it can take 2 if you let them have their way, but that's dangerous like that's what caused Mr.Hands given that they have an actual bone in their penis so if it gets out of hand you could actually get injured) and have to wait as horses can't get erect again for 20 minutes so it will take about 66 hours to fill this with one horse.

You're up to being on your knees stroking an 18 inch cock for 40 hours in one sitting?

Or you can just just put the barrel on a mount and have an artificial vagina collector drain the horse semen into it, they would have their way with that so it would only take 46 hours for the horse to fill and is way less dangerous.

 

[polonium]

Why do you all know so much about jacking off horses?

 

[vertexwindi]

You're have to rub the 18 inch penis for about 30 minutes (it can take 2 if you let them have their way, but that's dangerous like that's what caused Mr.Hands given that they have an actual bone in their penis so if it gets out of hand you could actually get injured) and have to wait as horses can't get erect again for 20 minutes so it will take about 66 hours to fill this with one horse.

You're up to being on your knees stroking an 18 inch cock for 40 hours in one sitting?

Or you can just just put the barrel on a mount and have an artificial vagina collector drain the horse semen into it, they would have their way with that so it would only take 46 hours for the horse to fill and is way less dangerous.

I didn't feel like eating tonight anyway.

 

[Morose_Obesity]

Has anyone consulted Eric Andre on this matter?

 

[Hummingbird]

Sounds like a dream come true for the place I work at.