- Registrado
- 3 de Oct, 2022
ngl I never really thought about that but it makes sense
it would be amazing if he ended up an early mind on the OG MLP or something
What old media are you watching? - Since new media isn't worth watching
- Iniciador del tema Patrick Not-Star
- Fecha de inicio
-
🚨 DDoS attack. Tor is stable: https://kiwifarmsaaf4t2h7gc3dfc5ojhmqruw2nit3uejrpiagrxeuxiyxcyd.onion/.
🔎 Please read my article, How to Dox Anyone: A Liz Fong-Jones Story. (Xitter), (Substack). -
Want to keep track of this thread?
Accounts can bookmark posts, watch threads for updates, and jump back to where you stopped reading.
Create account
it would be amazing if he ended up an early mind on the OG MLP or something
- Registrado
- 5 de Mar, 2021
Tarzan movies
Johnny Weissmuller's "Tarzan" refuses to learn English past five words and just beats the shit out of colonialism.
Every movie is the same. Some asshole shows up like, “We’re here to mine diamonds” or whatever, and Tarzan’s like *[TARZAN YELL]* Jane is always like, “Tarzan, these men have guns” and Tarzan disarms a platoon by using his elephant as a tank. By the way, these animals are trained. Insanely well trained. That rhino is hitting its mark. That leopard knows its blocking. The chimp is doing Three Stooges bits.
Eventually they add this boy, who is "Boy."
The villains are incredible. It’s always Nazis, or a carnival barker, or British-coded profiteers, and Tarzan’s response is just chiropractic violence.
Johnny Weissmuller doesn’t act, by the way. He is large and wet and that’s enough. Weissmuller was an athlete who accidentally became a movie star, but he has an expressive face. He looks confused, angry, horny, and morally offended. He can’t really talk, but his face is doing all the work. And then they replace him with some fuckin guy named Lex Barker and he doesn’t even do the yell right! Is Weissmuller’s yell trademarked? Barker’s yell sounds like he stubbed his toe on a baseboard.
Maureen O’Sullivan (not to be confused with Margaret Sullivan) is walking around the African wilderness like Wilma Flintstone. She’s got a dishwasher made of rocks. A whole HGTV setup. Was she an inventor in the books or did MGM just decide to make her less useless? Tarzan's contribution is "Me kill warthog." And somehow they’re both perfectly groomed. Tarzan is wearing a diaper but has zero body hair. Fresh fade. Jane’s hair is always blown out. Tarzan wrestles a crocodile and comes out looking moisturized. Everyone else in the movie looks like they’ve been living in an encampment for 4 years. It’s like the jungle respects them. Just these two.
Johnny Weissmuller's "Tarzan" refuses to learn English past five words and just beats the shit out of colonialism.
Every movie is the same. Some asshole shows up like, “We’re here to mine diamonds” or whatever, and Tarzan’s like *[TARZAN YELL]* Jane is always like, “Tarzan, these men have guns” and Tarzan disarms a platoon by using his elephant as a tank. By the way, these animals are trained. Insanely well trained. That rhino is hitting its mark. That leopard knows its blocking. The chimp is doing Three Stooges bits.
Eventually they add this boy, who is "Boy."
The villains are incredible. It’s always Nazis, or a carnival barker, or British-coded profiteers, and Tarzan’s response is just chiropractic violence.
Johnny Weissmuller doesn’t act, by the way. He is large and wet and that’s enough. Weissmuller was an athlete who accidentally became a movie star, but he has an expressive face. He looks confused, angry, horny, and morally offended. He can’t really talk, but his face is doing all the work. And then they replace him with some fuckin guy named Lex Barker and he doesn’t even do the yell right! Is Weissmuller’s yell trademarked? Barker’s yell sounds like he stubbed his toe on a baseboard.
Maureen O’Sullivan (not to be confused with Margaret Sullivan) is walking around the African wilderness like Wilma Flintstone. She’s got a dishwasher made of rocks. A whole HGTV setup. Was she an inventor in the books or did MGM just decide to make her less useless? Tarzan's contribution is "Me kill warthog." And somehow they’re both perfectly groomed. Tarzan is wearing a diaper but has zero body hair. Fresh fade. Jane’s hair is always blown out. Tarzan wrestles a crocodile and comes out looking moisturized. Everyone else in the movie looks like they’ve been living in an encampment for 4 years. It’s like the jungle respects them. Just these two.
Última edición:
- Registrado
- 5 de Mar, 2021
Merrily We Roll Along
What if you watched a guy become Benny from Rent, but in reverse, like Benjamin Button if he were an asshole?
So this isn’t a movie. It’s an AMC screening of a Broadway show, which is, “What if we charged you twenty dollars to watch theater kids sweat in HD?” The plot is three theater nerds, Franklin, Charley, and Mary, who start off inocent and then get absolutely pulverized by show business. It opens with Franklin rich and miserable, throwing a party like, “I sold my soul for a pool."
Every scene going backward is just, “Oh, he’s slightly less of a prick here." The structure is just Sondheim going, “Watch me rewind your life until you’re happy again, idiot.” Mary’s progressively sober as time goes backwards, which is realistic. Charley’s just standing there going, “Art matters, Frank."
The show is full of the usual inside baseball talk, cliches I personally loathe, like “Let’s PUT ON A SHOW!" and “IT’S A HIT!!",
but Sondheim does something clever with them. The musical runs backward in time, so the show appears to get more more corny as it goes along. Which is ironic because the audience is getting more depressed. Sondheim is like musical theater for people whose parents didn’t love them enough, which (spoiler alert) includes Sondheim.
The ending hits and they’re all young and hopeful on a rooftop, and the audience sobs because they know that in ten years they’ll all hate each other.
Verdict:
Performance: 8/10.
Daniel Radcliffe is great. He plays the powerless little scribbler no one listens to in a meeting. Talented but zero clout, which is the realest lesson in this story. The woman who plays Mary is insanely good. The guy playing Franklin (King George from Hamilton) is permanently stuck in theater-kid mode. He’s good at being a douchebag, but when he’s supposed to be young and idealistic, he’s grinning like a golden retriever which got Invisalign.
Songs: 6/10. Because even when Sondheim is doing galaxy-brain deconstruction, it’s still cornball musical bullshit which is my least favorite genre of anything. Just smarter cornball bullshit.
Writing: 10/10 if you like nihilistic art that makes you wake up at 3 a.m. and stare at the ceiling thinking about every bad decision you’ve ever made. Time is irreversible and integrity will not save you. 0/10 if you want a nice, cheerful night out where everyone learns a lesson and leaves happy. This is not Mamma Mia.
Fuck you. Call your old friends.
What if you watched a guy become Benny from Rent, but in reverse, like Benjamin Button if he were an asshole?
So this isn’t a movie. It’s an AMC screening of a Broadway show, which is, “What if we charged you twenty dollars to watch theater kids sweat in HD?” The plot is three theater nerds, Franklin, Charley, and Mary, who start off inocent and then get absolutely pulverized by show business. It opens with Franklin rich and miserable, throwing a party like, “I sold my soul for a pool."
Every scene going backward is just, “Oh, he’s slightly less of a prick here." The structure is just Sondheim going, “Watch me rewind your life until you’re happy again, idiot.” Mary’s progressively sober as time goes backwards, which is realistic. Charley’s just standing there going, “Art matters, Frank."
The show is full of the usual inside baseball talk, cliches I personally loathe, like “Let’s PUT ON A SHOW!" and “IT’S A HIT!!",
but Sondheim does something clever with them. The musical runs backward in time, so the show appears to get more more corny as it goes along. Which is ironic because the audience is getting more depressed. Sondheim is like musical theater for people whose parents didn’t love them enough, which (spoiler alert) includes Sondheim.The ending hits and they’re all young and hopeful on a rooftop, and the audience sobs because they know that in ten years they’ll all hate each other.
Verdict:
Performance: 8/10.
Daniel Radcliffe is great. He plays the powerless little scribbler no one listens to in a meeting. Talented but zero clout, which is the realest lesson in this story. The woman who plays Mary is insanely good. The guy playing Franklin (King George from Hamilton) is permanently stuck in theater-kid mode. He’s good at being a douchebag, but when he’s supposed to be young and idealistic, he’s grinning like a golden retriever which got Invisalign.
Songs: 6/10. Because even when Sondheim is doing galaxy-brain deconstruction, it’s still cornball musical bullshit which is my least favorite genre of anything. Just smarter cornball bullshit.
Writing: 10/10 if you like nihilistic art that makes you wake up at 3 a.m. and stare at the ceiling thinking about every bad decision you’ve ever made. Time is irreversible and integrity will not save you. 0/10 if you want a nice, cheerful night out where everyone learns a lesson and leaves happy. This is not Mamma Mia.
Fuck you. Call your old friends.
Última edición:
- Registrado
- 13 de Mar, 2022
I imagine the hardest part of this was telling your parents that you're gay.
- Registrado
- 30 de Ene, 2018
I've started watching Blake's 7 because they've remastered the show and started releasing it on blu-ray. The second season was released not too long ago. The show's production values are often fairly cheap, it tends to look a bit ugly, and is sometimes goofy (not in a deliberately comedic way, more in a 'people in cheap costumes and makeup' way), but it's earnest and obviously made with love and dedication. For some reason I often see it compared to Firefly but it's far, far more like Farscape.
- Registrado
- 5 de Mar, 2021
Uh oh, time for John Crichton to do his yearly war crime. How do we make him kill civilians but still be our soft boy from Earth?
Blake’s 7 doesn’t give a shit. Avon is just an asshole. The only reason you’re rooting for him is because the Federation is Space Ingsoc. Whereas Farscape is about wrongfully convicted prisoners and puppets.
They also tried to do their own Servalan, but boring. I cannot remember her name. That’s how little she mattered. And then Farscape’s version turns good at the end.
Última edición:
- Registrado
- 5 de Mar, 2021
The World of Suzie Wong (1960)
This dude Robert (William Holden) is an architect, he moves to Hong Kong ’cause he’s having a midlife crisis and thinks he’s gonna be a painter. So he’s wandering around looking for a model and he meets Suzie Wong (Nancy Kwan), a hooker. And of course, there’s tensions, cultural, social class, and romantic.
William Holden, as you know, is a classic movie god. Macho film noir-guy, punches people. Here he’s supposed to be this meek businessman. And then he starts psychologically torturing Suzie Wong. I’m like… what is he even doing? I kept waiting for it to go full Last Tango in Paris with a sudden gunfight over some hack dabbler's yellow fever. But the movie starts and ends normal. The middle’s overacted and weird.
Nancy Kwan is a total surprise. She was a dancer, had two starring roles. Overall, this is good showcase for Nancy. A wasted talent. (Usually they just cast some white woman in yellowface anyway.) Suzie’s crew is fun, too. Jaqui Chan (real name) plays Gwennie, who somehow gets along better with Holden than Suzie does.
It's your standard hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold. Older dude, big age gap. Holden’s charming...I guess? He's no Jimmy Stewart. Suzie bonds with him, but only because he defends her from ruffians. Script fails him.
Verdict: ...yeah, outdated. Cliché, doesn’t really say much outside of the race stuff.
This dude Robert (William Holden) is an architect, he moves to Hong Kong ’cause he’s having a midlife crisis and thinks he’s gonna be a painter. So he’s wandering around looking for a model and he meets Suzie Wong (Nancy Kwan), a hooker. And of course, there’s tensions, cultural, social class, and romantic.
William Holden, as you know, is a classic movie god. Macho film noir-guy, punches people. Here he’s supposed to be this meek businessman. And then he starts psychologically torturing Suzie Wong. I’m like… what is he even doing? I kept waiting for it to go full Last Tango in Paris with a sudden gunfight over some hack dabbler's yellow fever. But the movie starts and ends normal. The middle’s overacted and weird.
Nancy Kwan is a total surprise. She was a dancer, had two starring roles. Overall, this is good showcase for Nancy. A wasted talent. (Usually they just cast some white woman in yellowface anyway.) Suzie’s crew is fun, too. Jaqui Chan (real name) plays Gwennie, who somehow gets along better with Holden than Suzie does.
It's your standard hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold. Older dude, big age gap. Holden’s charming...I guess? He's no Jimmy Stewart. Suzie bonds with him, but only because he defends her from ruffians. Script fails him.
Verdict: ...yeah, outdated. Cliché, doesn’t really say much outside of the race stuff.
Última edición:
- Registrado
- 5 de Mar, 2021
What if the Earth was a Slip n' Slide & Brendan Fraser was your dad ( 2008 )
I can’t imagine watching this unless you’re a die-hard Fraser fangirl doing archival research. Brendan’s career also disappeared into the Earth around this time.
This is technically the second adaptation of the book. The first one starred James Mason and Pat Boone, and I remember none of it.
Back in the early YouTube days, if you wanted to say the FX looked like dogshit, you’d say it "looks like a SyFy original,” and I never quite understood that concept... until I saw this. This is just three actors on a blue screen while Temple Run bullshit flies past them. Freemium obstacles. Their hair doesn’t move! They’re not sweating. They look like they’re on a tram at Universal. They don’t even seem tired until the last five minutes when a volcano farts them out into Sicily.
Every problem is solved by Brendan Fraser going, “Wait a second…” and yelling geology terms like they’re spells in Skyrim. The rest of the movie is just Fraser going, “Sean?" “Sean?” “Oh no, I lost the kid again.”
I feel bad for Josh Hutcherson. Imagine paying your dues right here. And he’s greedy! He’s grabbing diamonds like he’s never seen a movie before. Check for traps, idiot.
Why is he even there? His only skill is holding his PSP directly at the camera.
The real booby prize is this token love interest. She did one Doctor Who episode after this and then fled back to Iceland.
The CGI is piss ugly too. Just browns and yellows. The whole movie looks like that gross mushroom planet Eggman was trapped on in the first Sonic. Except now it’s two hours long and nothing funny happens.
No thumbs up. I learned nothing. Felt cold. Saw Brendan Fraser run from a T-rex made on a Dell Inspiron.
Última edición:
- Registrado
- 1 de Feb, 2015
It's no "20 000 Leagues Under the Sea", but I suppose it's a serviceable adaptation. My only complaint is that they make Professor Lindebrock a Scotsman instead of a German, but keep the very Germanic surname. The Jules Verne novel famously has the hero protagonist be a German, to counteract Verne's deserved reputation for writing stories with French heroes and German villains.
- Registrado
- 5 de Mar, 2021
Old political feuds die hard.
Did Germans ever get representation? Dafoe's got a German accent he keeps in his pocket (like Krusty putting in fake buck teeth and going ah so!) and Hollywood’s like, thank God, we don’t have to hire an actual German.
- Registrado
- 1 de Feb, 2015
Marlene Dietrich, I guess.
- Registrado
- 5 de Mar, 2021
I guess Hedy Lamarr gets grandfathered in as “not German” which is funny because Austria’s national pastime is pretending "we were victims too!"
Nothing against Hedy, we stan a Bluetooth queen.
strumpets exeunt
kiwifarms.net
- Registrado
- 22 de Abr, 2025
I could be on my deathbed at 100 with advanced Alzheimer’s and still remember that fuck Hans gallumphing around the set calling for that stupid duck of his.
“GEHTROOD? GEHTROOD! GEHTROOD? GEHTROOD!”
- Registrado
- 3 de Oct, 2022
iirc there were some character actors who played Evil Nazi in a thousand movies who were legit German
- Registrado
- 5 de Mar, 2021
Gert Fröbe, Goldfinger guy. Also played fat Nazis nonstop. (He does look like the villain from Animal Farm.)
But the funny part is he said he believed in Hitler at first. No spin. Most people would be like, “Actually I was a secret lefty resistance guy."
Última edición:
Commander X
kiwifarms.net
- Registrado
- 6 de Abr, 2018
Tubi had me going through older crime dramas, and in it's own way one of the cozier watches for me has been a show I hadn't watched in years, that slice of the Seventies NYC, Kojak. Sure it could be a little melodramatic, but the show was anchored by Telly Savalas as the cynical yet upbeat Lt. Theo Kojak.
Some great delivery from Savalas, one exchange I remember from one of the later episodes, a prosecutor the Lieutenant knows conspired to help throw a manslaughter case against an influential racketeer's son, and he's been found out and reacts with desperation after Kojak hands him his summons to appear before a grand jury:
"Theo,...we are friends."
"So were Brutus and Caesar. And Cain and Abel were brothers. So you see, we're in good company."
"They are going to throw the book at me!"
"And I'm not gonna like that, but I'm gonna help them do it."
And one of my favorite games to play with 70s shows, spot the guest stars. In the first episode proper there's Harvey Keitel as one of a group of robbers who end up taking hostages at an Army surplus store. James Woods as a law student with a sideline as a burglar who likes to leave false clues at the scenes of his crimes. John Ritter as a small-time punk planning a big heist. Leslie Nielsen playing yet another antagonist-of-the-week on a series from the 1970s. Eli Wallach, Jerry Orbach and F. Murray Abraham in the same two-parter. Rosie Grier. Future Cagney & Lacey co-stars Sharon Gless and Martin Kove. Christopher Walken. All these and somewhat more.
Some great delivery from Savalas, one exchange I remember from one of the later episodes, a prosecutor the Lieutenant knows conspired to help throw a manslaughter case against an influential racketeer's son, and he's been found out and reacts with desperation after Kojak hands him his summons to appear before a grand jury:
"Theo,...we are friends."
"So were Brutus and Caesar. And Cain and Abel were brothers. So you see, we're in good company."
"They are going to throw the book at me!"
"And I'm not gonna like that, but I'm gonna help them do it."
And one of my favorite games to play with 70s shows, spot the guest stars. In the first episode proper there's Harvey Keitel as one of a group of robbers who end up taking hostages at an Army surplus store. James Woods as a law student with a sideline as a burglar who likes to leave false clues at the scenes of his crimes. John Ritter as a small-time punk planning a big heist. Leslie Nielsen playing yet another antagonist-of-the-week on a series from the 1970s. Eli Wallach, Jerry Orbach and F. Murray Abraham in the same two-parter. Rosie Grier. Future Cagney & Lacey co-stars Sharon Gless and Martin Kove. Christopher Walken. All these and somewhat more.
- Registrado
- 16 de Dic, 2019
Little House on the Prairie and The Twilight Zone on Tubi.
- Registrado
- 5 de Mar, 2021
Never watched it, but I did see Melissa Gilbert in this tiny two-act play last year, there’s a tasteful love scene but also like, “oh damn Laura can get it", you see her tattoo and everything.
- Registrado
- 3 de Oct, 2022
Natural Born Killers
hadn't watched it in ages, hadn't seen it in HD since it was new in theaters
still fun, I'm curious to go through freeze framing some of the weird background shit like that paragraph in Mallory's cell that's in some shots
really helped to solidify my nihilistic love of media back in the day
hadn't watched it in ages, hadn't seen it in HD since it was new in theaters
still fun, I'm curious to go through freeze framing some of the weird background shit like that paragraph in Mallory's cell that's in some shots
really helped to solidify my nihilistic love of media back in the day
Quarterback Rex Grossman
kiwifarms.net
- Registrado
- 14 de Mar, 2023
Recently watched Shakespeare in Love and realized I kind of miss the old Miramax Oscar-bait days. Everything just feels fancy about it, even if it's kind of cliché and the love story drags a bit. The ending was a little more bittersweet now that I'm older, with his love leaving forever and him telling her she'll never age in his memory. It definitely deserved the Oscar over Saving Private Ryan (take the opening battle scene out and you're stuck with a generic war movie).