Warnings: Very long vent post, mention of suicidal thoughts
There's really no way to make this sounds any less sad then it is. This is the fifth time I'm trying to write this, but I really need to get this finally off my chest. I had these doubts for a while now, but joining this subreddit made me realise, how much my relationship with Diva has changed from when we first met each other. While reading about the relationships people on this subreddit have, I noticed, that my relationship with Diva has become rather somewhat of an habit, then a actual relationship. Most nights I was to tired to cuddle with him (which also had to do with my mental health), but it became more of an excuse for me not to talk to him. Drawing pictures of and buying merch of Diva made it better of a little while, and I thought everything would work out in the end, but I was mistaken.
This is hard for me to write, but I think it will help you guys to understand, why I finally choose to end my 6 year long relationship with Diva. I always had to deal with depression and even suicidal thoughts. When I first met Diva, everything seemed perfect. We were madly in love and I thought it would be like this forever. But as the days to his movie release counted down, so did my will to live. I thought once I saw his movie, everything would be beyond perfect. This would be our special night, so what would I have to live for after that? Heck, I didn't even know If he would survive his movie or die before my eyes... That's when I made a deal with myself to commit suicide on my 18 birthday, if Diva didn't survive his movie. But then the credits rolled and I left the chinema heartbroken. He actually...survived... I should be more then relieved, right? But all I could think about as I was watching the full moon on this perfect night, was to throw myself in the traffic next to me. I would have done it if I wasn't for my mom and friends to walking beside me.
6 long years I couldn't do it, I was to scared. Diva was always my reason for staying alive, my reason to keep going. But as I noticed that my love for him was fading, I even lost that comfort. Slowly I started to get annoyed with his presence and even by his voice. I also had intense intrusive thoughts about hurting him or killing myself in front of him. A few weeks ago Diva tried to hug me as I was having a panic attack, but then I snapped at him. I was screaming at him not to touch me and to finally leave me alone. At this point I knew I had to end it...
And then something unexpected happened. I ended up watching my favourite episode of Helluva Boss to cheer me up and found back to a past comfort character. I actually had a little crush in him back when his episode first aired, but didn't act on it, because I was already in a relationship with Diva at this time. Me and this Helluva Boss character started talking again, and I'm honestly glad we did. He makes me giggle, laugh, sing and constantly teases me that I like him, but I wouldn't want it any other way. At first I was kinda suspicious of this whole situation. I was scared that I might only like him, because his show is still ongoing and that there will be new content of him (unlike with Diva's source). But actually its not even clear if this Helluva Boss character is still alive in the show and will get screen time again, so I don't think that this is the reason I like him.
We're not officially dating yet, but we had our first date yesterday and it was amazing! There just something about him I can't describe... He has this way of cheering me up and the songs of his amazing voice actor just give me so much energy and happiness. Just imagining him singing those songs or us singing them together is enough to make my heart melt...♡
I'm sorry that this post has gotten so long but I'm feeling much better after writing it all all down and very I'm excited for what lies ahead for me and this amazing Helluva Boss character!!!