springmixplease 9 points 1 day ago
I don’t if it’s so much the guys as it is you feeling comfortable in your own body. I can honestly say, I was a very attractive gay man, I had no issues getting attention from other gay men. I liked the attention from men as a man but then when it came to anything other than sex, they expected me to act like a man and that obviously didn’t work.
I’m pretty as woman but average looking, I’m some guys type but not every guys but I’d take that over everything. Dating was so much more comfortable post transition, the way guys treated me with chivalry and kindness felt right. So I don’t if the guys as much as it’s us. My gay friends love when guys “treat them like men”, that was disturbing to me personally and gave me immense dysphoria.
sparklingwatterson 4 points 15 hours ago
That’s more where I was at, I only dated one person before I transitioned and she was a cis woman. I stopped dating after that until I started my transition. I prefer men now. I didn’t want to be a gay man it sounded wrong. I’m a bisexual woman and it feels so much more right.
ReginaTenebra 5 points 1 day ago
This vibes as homophobic. I don't think that's your intent, but it may be worth unpacking. I'm not here to say you're a bad person or to judge you, I'm just letting you know so you can think about it.
I'm not questioning your experiences, but I am questioning your interpretation. Straight men are fuck boys just as often as gay men are. However, most straight men play the cisheteronormative games of acting superficially chivalrous in front of you, and hiding their misogynistic trash attitude for their friends and locker rooms. Some gay men just live the locker room conversation through their 20s.
My experiences with gay men weren't great either, but I know from both trans women friends and gay male friends that my experiences don't match their experiences. Cis gay men in particular have very different experiences dating gay men. As I get older, I know how to filter out the fuckboys better than I did in my 20s.
Transmisogyny often comes out in our dating experiences before transition, though differently, sometimes stronger in some ways before, sometimes stronger in different ways after (our experiences vary a lot on that).
Contiguous_spazz 6 points 1 day ago*
That’s an absolutely valid critique, and I clocked it myself upon a re-read (this kind of outside perspective was more or less what I was looking for).
It is valid and important to realize that there was nothing wrong with the way gay men signal interest inherently. Only that because I was visually signaling “man” at the time, while always being “woman” internally, the wires were crossed. Navigating that pool felt hostile to me, because it wasn’t my natural habitat.
Thank you for addressing that!
Edit: don’t downvote Regina, I asked for critical engagement and I found her gentle confrontation helpful. We all have blind spots, I value people in this world who challenge me to improve.
[–]Past-Sherbert-6438 2 points 20 hours ago
also... you might have had the "trans woman who hates herself is with gay guy who hates himself for different reasons" problem