Pre-Chris Chan Lolcows - Internet Lolcows before Chris Chan

  • 🔧 Site instability resolved. You can report double-posts and broken attachments. For bigger issues, use the Technical Grievances thread.
    🇵🇦 Nuestro primer dominio localizado está en español en kiwifarms.pa. Our first localized domain is on Spanish on kiwifarms.pa.
  • Want to keep track of this thread?
    Accounts can bookmark posts, watch threads for updates, and jump back to where you stopped reading.
    Create account
Destacado
Android raptor dijo:
Considering some thread subjects here are just kooks who are (hopefully) being left alone, I'd say Timecube counts as at least lolcow adjacent.

I also strongly believe the Timecube site should be preserved by the library of congress as culturally significant.
Presiona para expandir...
archive.org has it covered, at least
but yeah Timecube is vintage internet kook and still holds up, other day I saw some rando discover for the first time about cubic day how he was educated STUPID and WRONG by SATAN colleges and he was all up on that shit
 
There was a guy on Usenet who was always ranting about blowing up the moon. Here is an example:
RADICAL CHANGE IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. THE MOST PRACTICAL
THE MOST EFFECTIVE THE MOST URGENT RADICAL CHANGE IS

TO BLOW UP THE MOON TO SMITHEREENS AND GET RID OF
ITS EVIL PRESENCE ONCE AND FOR ALL!

Moon with its dull, stupid depressing condescending and disgusting
boring presence had and has the most damaging influence on human
life, behavior and actions. With its tides creating in the flow of
blood especially in the brain of mankind, it has created a monstrous
beast of human species. we must

BLOW UP THE MOON.
Presiona para expandir...
He turned out to be a professor of mathematics at Iowa State University, Alexander Abian. People often assume he was mentally ill, but in fact he was just a man with strange beliefs and unwarranted self-confidence. Here's an interview he did with a student Letterman imitator about his theory of the origin of the universe:

Before the internet, it was harder for lolcows to reach the audience they desperately craved. So some of them wrote in to people they saw on the television. One of them was Sir Patrick Moore, who made a documentary about them:


Sir Patrick includes some nice discussion on philosophy of science which is totally lost on the "settled science/trust the science/peer-reviewed=true" retards of today, and understands two important things:
1. Most people, most of the time, avoid being retarded not out of any intelligence of their own, but because they just follow others like sheep. (I include myself in that.)
2. Lolcows are a lot funnier if you pull the thread and let them carry on being ridiculous rather than a-logging or weening.
 
XYZpdq Jr. dijo:
that reminds me of Biohazard, that guy who made the rat porn
Presiona para expandir...
I had to look that up, and found this:
Perhaps someone can archive it, I'm a bit busy now and uploading on Tor takes forever. If you look up this guy then you get John Oliver soyfacing while holding one of his paintings. I think John Oliver is a furfag and trying to play it off as comedy.
 
tehpope dijo:
Norman Bloom, aka the numbers man. A homeless vagrent Jew, mathematical crank par excellence. "Using a melange of sports commentary, high school civics, and cabalistic numerology, he reads baseball scores and U.S. history as "poems" by God that somehow declare His truth to the world." He would bug radio shows in the 80s, like the Larry King show. He would read his "poems" on Larry's show and Larry in turn would poke holes in everything he did. Apparently, he would travel around the country and follow Larry where he want. Died in 1988. Carl fucking Sagan wrote a paper about him. https://www.jstor.org/stable/41207525

He would have a thread on here if the farms was around in the 80s.

Don Joyce of Negativland did two episodes on him for his Over the Edge radio show.
archive.org

The Numbers Man : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

Over the Edge: The Numbers Man
archive.org
archive.org

Lipstick Smear : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

Over the Edge: The New Numbers Man
archive.org
Presiona para expandir...
Norman is more a skizoid cow than lolcow. But he predates the eternal september.
 
I mean, I may be wrong about the exact time frame, but Gorgeous George and his public access TV show predated Chris by several years. I am not sure if the goons' prank calls took place before or after Chris had been discovered though.
 
He got his start before Chris and didn't get the attention of the internet until the mid 2000's I'm talking about that proto DSP public access TV host Gorgeous George:
His greatest moment I believe was when he went on a rant during karaoke in tribute to his dead girlfriend, not sure if it was the one who sold her engagement ring for crack money but it was a dead girlfriend nevertheless.
 
Gotta give my man David Gonterman props: he was essentially the Ur-Chris-Chan in a lot of ways, right down to a forum about him (Portal of Evil, which most don't know was an ur-Kiwi Farms) to track his online antics. Sadly, a lot of his work has been lost due to old internet disappearing: dunno if Jen White's pseudo-MST3K riffs on his comics (with Space Ghost, Brak, and Zorak) are still up, but the Gonterman Shrine is, amazingly. To the surprise of no one, he was also into Sonic the Hedgehog, albeit the SatAM stuff and not so much the games. Bit of a crossover with another infamous artcow, Ken Penders, at one point over Sally's supposed "death" which led to a protest David did that was not unlike the Blarms, but thankfully no one was pepper sprayed because David never left the house.

Regardless, the guy was MAJORLY lolcow-worthy during his zeitgeist: Case in point: "The Piasa Bird" was basically a long-ass screed against Black and homosexual people with Power Rangers and Sailor Moon characters, then the other infamous fanfic of his, "Sailor Moon: American Kitsune", which got him ostracized big time out of that fandom. After getting kicked out of fandom after fandom in ways that would be considered proto-cancel culture, the guy renounced doing fanworks altogether in a spectacular manner (by drawing his own flounce comic called "NiTRO") and has focused solely on his "original" characters and stories ever since. The recurring thread in all of these being his self-insert on par with OPL's self-insert, called "Davey Crockett" or something along those lines, who had the power to suck the attention on his character at all times and other shit I don't quite remember.

Last I heard, Davey-kins has fallen out of the public eye and characters like Chris-Chan have quickly eclipsed him in terms of skills and infamy. He did the smart thing in reducing his online presence to just a couple places. The last I ever heard about him was that he tried to do a Kickstarter for a comic involving his Jonathan Brisby character (his other personal Sonichu) that utterly failed and not a single peep since. imo, David seems like a pretty decent if weird guy once you look past his weirdness and hot takes. Best you could say about him is that he never fucked his own mother... but on the other hand, he did have what sounded like an online internet relationship with a minor at the time during the days of "Sonic the Hedgehog: Blood and Metal".

Surprised no one's ever done a huge deep dive on him the way they've done Chris-Chan or other lolcows of history, but I'd imagine the aforementioned disappearance of old content being a huge part of it as Davey-kins lore has basically become a game of telephone over the last 2 decades.
 
Ben Schumin was another Portal of Evil lolcow - he’s Chris if Chris were capable of going to university, holding down a job, and not being a sex pest. His website is still active. I don’t know that he’d capture anyones attention today, though. He was autistically chronicling his mundane life online in the days when that was rare, so a giant dork oversharing under his real identity was a novelty.

I always enjoyed the crunchy mom lolcows on Livejournal. They were super pretentious SJWs who held themselves up as experts on pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting, spiritual warriors, educated and savvy, and enjoyed the greatest sex and love the world has ever known. If you juuust scratched the surface, they were obviously trashy welfare moms who endangered their children for internet points.
 
Rich Evans Simp dijo:
Ben Schumin was another Portal of Evil lolcow - he’s Chris if Chris were capable of going to university, holding down a job, and not being a sex pest. His website is still active. I don’t know that he’d capture anyones attention today, though. He was autistically chronicling his mundane life online in the days when that was rare, so a giant dork oversharing under his real identity was a novelty.
Presiona para expandir...
PoE had some real characters on it, I think I remember Ben Schumin in the foggy cracks of my memory.

If I'm remembering this correctly, one of the masterminds behind the site, Chet, went on to become one of the writers for Portal. You can probably imagine that if Portal came out in the current time, he'd likely have been cancelled big time for running the site and what it stood for back in the day. It may seem like a ridiculous statement to younger posters or people who were largely unaware of it, but PoE, alongside its contemporary Something Awful (as it was before things went sideways there) was basically considered the Kiwi Farms of its day in its collection of numerous proto-lolcows and mockery of all kinds of things, primarily furries.
 
Kela de Thaym dijo:
PoE had some real characters on it, I think I remember Ben Schumin in the foggy cracks of my memory.

If I'm remembering this correctly, one of the masterminds behind the site, Chet, went on to become one of the writers for Portal. You can probably imagine that if Portal came out in the current time, he'd likely have been cancelled big time for running the site and what it stood for back in the day. It may seem like a ridiculous statement to younger posters or people who were largely unaware of it, but PoE, alongside its contemporary Something Awful (as it was before things went sideways there) was basically considered the Kiwi Farms of its day in its collection of numerous proto-lolcows and mockery of all kinds of things, primarily furries.
Presiona para expandir...
I’m very nostalgic for PoE, it was definitely the precursor to the Farms in that it was centered around making fun of furries, trannies, autists, and potato moms. Lolcows occasionally posted on the forums like they do here, lolsuit threats and all. Others (like Ben Schumin himself) tried to be good sports. Halal threads, too - once a very active user who was a bit of an internet tough guy was outed as being a furry. The user base seemed to me at the time to be more mature and less spergy than Something Awful. In 2000 I thought the internet as I knew it would last forever. I’m getting all choked up, guys.

The internet was just a more bizarre and mysterious place back then. I don’t know what Portal is, so I’m assuming it’s a video game.
 
Kazakai (AKA, Ayla Chisler, formerly Joji Viktor Grey and currently going by Faern Lief Grey) was my very first lolcow, and she started on LJ, MySpace, & Deviantart a few years before Chris came to light. She's probably the reason why I've always felt a deep dislike/distrust towards pooners even when I was more tolerant of the ideology, as she was an early example of a woman acting and looking like a woman online while screeching bloody murder when someone correctly called her a woman. It's horrifying to me that girls like her are common place these days, but back in 2004ish when I discovered her, this behavior was (rightfully) mocked and reviled by the masses.

She does have a thread here but it's sadly so bare bones and I feel like Kaz in general is a cautionary tale of why one should archive everything, as there was SO much drama surrounding this woman, much of it full-blown horrorcow shit, but it's been lost to time. This blog does have quite a bit of dirt on her from her tumblr days, but it's only the tip of the iceberg. The worst of her drama, imo, was the animal abuse saga, where she would adopt strays by the dozens and then they would "mysteriously" disappear or die, only to have their body parts appear in her collection/bone jewelry scam. Most horrifying and heartbreaking was when she got ahold of a pregnant cat, whose two healthy infant kittens "mysteriously" passed away, only to be pickled in jars [live link, WARNING FOR DEAD KITTEN] by the primordial pooner, who made up a bullshit story about them being "too small to live" to explain her neglectful excuse for animal husbandry that may have been deliberate. She was also well-known for abusing literally every partner she had, painting BJD's with her own menstrual blood, and defiling historic graves.

People on lolcow.farm still document her on occasion, and last I checked, the most interesting things to have happened to her recently were that she was recovering from a major heart attack as a result of testosterone abuse (LOL) and facing homelessness after living in a hotel with some dude for a while.
 
Kela de Thaym dijo:
dunno if Jen White's pseudo-MST3K riffs on his comics (with Space Ghost, Brak, and Zorak) are still up
Presiona para expandir...
Found these:
http://www.thoughtviper.com/gonterforce/gonterforce/gfindex.htm
http://www.thoughtviper.com/miststh2/index.htm
https://www.doorsclosing.com/lursk/gonterman/comics/smusa/mst201/smusaindex.htm
And there's the Gonterman Archive, which also has a succinct summary of Gonterman:
In the mid-90’s, the Internet was a very, very different place. Instead of Twitter, people were forced to log onto Usenet. Instead of Instagram, people shared grainy pictures made in MS Paint on America Online’s web service. And instead of DeviantArt, the World Wide Web had David Gonterman.

For someone not familiar with that name, David “Davey-kins Foxfire” Goterman was a man who seemed to pop up when you least expected it. Starting with his humble beginnings posting on AOL’s proprietary message boards, his early exploits in online roleplaying inspired what would follow: a number of fanfics and webcomics based in the worlds of Sonic the Hedgehog, Sailor Moon, and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, all with a thinly-veiled self-insert character in the center of the action. His trademark use of popular culture, mixed with his burgeoning interest in the furry fandom, plus a slice of his own political and social beliefs, created something that few could fully comprehend.

The sudden influx of Gonterworks in very specific fangroups did not result in the idolization that he sought, but instead a loud backlash that, while not altogether uncommon in the world of DeviantArt and Tumblr, was an unusual sight in the early Internet. Being disowned by the fandoms he desperately wanted to be a part of, he did what anyone might - wipe his website and write an angry comic about the people who made fun of him, while giving himself an anime android girlfriend.

Ok, maybe not just anyone would do that.
Presiona para expandir...
It also has a list of MiSTings, some of which are Gonterman's.

Last update September 1, 2001​

Presiona para expandir...
Wow.
Also there's the Sisto Files, but all the Geocities links are broken.:(
 
Does Andy Than of thanfiction predate Chris or just take place at the same time?

Also the Cassandra Claire whom I only remember as the plagiarizing HP fanfic writer despite her now being famous.
 
Destacado
Debes iniciar sesión o registrarte para responder aquí.
Atrás
Top Abajo