Osama Bin Laden's Pizza Guide - An autistic guide on how to make a pizza that will make anyone go "hey... that's pretty good"

[Osama Bin Laden]

One of my favorite traits about people is what I call "an autistic obsession". I feel like anyone with a goal in life has an autistic passion for something. I really love pizza, I love everything about pizza. If pizza was a woman that I could marry and have sex with after, I would do it because I love pizza. If I seriously sat down and told you how much money I spend on pizza, you would call me a fat, slobbering retard who needs to get their diet in check. I have tried almost every single store-bought tomato sauce, I'm here to tell you THEY ALL FUCKING SUCK.

Whenever you are making a pizza, there are many things to consider:

• The tomato sauce is the key to a good pizza. If you fuck up the sauce, you fuck up the entire pizza
• There are certain cheeses you should use, don't cheap out if you care
• Dough is whatever, but I usually get my dough from Whole Foods

Some of the "higher-end" pizza sauce don't even include basic seasonings like oregano or fucking basil. So, my first advice to anyone who cares about tomato sauce as much as I do. MAKE YOUR OWN SAUCE. This should be self-explanatory but common sense isn't common.

What tomatoes should I use?:
Ideally, growing them yourselves is the best way. However, not everyone has a garden and not everyone has time to piss away growing tomatoes. I recommend going to a farmer's market for fresh tomatoes, or if you are still anal about it, get FIRE ROASTED diced tomatoes. It depends if you want a more chunky tomato sauce.

What seasonings should I use?:

• Oregano
• Salt
• Black Pepper
• Italian Seasoning (if you don't have anything else)
• Pesto

What cheese(s) should I use?:

• For all my American niggas, Whole Foods or any reputable Farmer's Market will have quality cheese for you. I know it's a meme for Null to rant about cheese but he's right. American cheese is overly processed garbage, You want quality cheese for your quality pizza. If possible, get a block of low-moisture mozzarella and grate it yourself. It'll taste fresher than buying it presliced.
• I like to do a 50/50 provolone/mozzarella mix. I will change it up depending on what toppings I'm using but this is my go-to

If you want to flavormaxx your dough, I recommend letting it sit out for an hour or so you can let the yeast rise. You can tell the difference between freshly frozen dough and lukewarm dough.

 

[Francis York Morgan]

Ideally, growing them yourselves is the best way. However, not everyone has a garden and not everyone has time to piss away growing tomatoes. I recommend going to a farmer's market for fresh tomatoes, or if you are still anal about it, get FIRE ROASTED diced tomatoes. It depends if you want a more chunky tomato sauce.

The correct answer is San Marzano, my guy.

Now, if you are opting for can over fresh, you want to try getting DOP (Denominazione d'Origine Protetta) certified. That means the tomatoes met the standards of being considered "authentic" San Marzano tomatoes. It'll say it right on the can if that's the case. Brands you can find in most stores that have this are Mutti and Cento (careful with Cento as sometimes they stock the ones that aren't DOP).

I think the best brand is Bianco DiNapoli but that's not widely available.

 

[ToroidalBoat]

Before I saw OP username, I thought this was some document leaked by the US military on that one guy's pizza preferences.

 

[The Mass Shooter Ron Soye]

Shit should be moved into here:

https://kiwifarms.pa/threads/the-official-pizza-thread.149284/

Just make a dough and go. I like to proof it in a warm oven to speed things up. You do not need fresh mansazzno tomatoes or le good cheese, but you should saute your toppings and simmer the sauce. I use a convection oven that tends to burn cheese, so I cook it a bit without the cheese and then put it on mid-way.

Adding more olive oil or butter to your dough than what basic recipes call for is probably going to make it taste better. YMMV.

 

[Osama Bin Laden]

You do not need fresh mansazzno tomatoes or le good cheese,

i disagree

The correct answer is San Marzano, my guy.

i agree with your answer but i am sticking with mine out of pure principle

 

[Jerek Deter]

Any recommendations for US based chain pizza places and your typical order from your recommended place? Obviously the best pizza is usually the one you make yourself but if I'm a lazy fuck in the mood for pizza one night maybe I'll try what one of you recommend.

 

[BibiLivesMatter]

Do you stay traditional with your pizzas (ex: tomato pepperoni pizza) or do you try new things with different sauces, toppings, and dough seasonings?

Also as a pizza connoisseur, do you consider deep dish a pizza?

 

[Asian tech support]

I like to do a 50/50 provolone/mozzarella mix. I will change it up depending on what toppings I'm using but this is my go-to

I prefer a mozzarella/fontina mix myself but provolone is always welcome.

 

[Osama Bin Laden]

Any recommendations for US based chain pizza places and your typical order from your recommended place? Obviously the best pizza is usually the one you make yourself but if I'm a lazy fuck in the mood for pizza one night maybe I'll try what one of you recommend.

if i was forced at gunpoint to order from a chain, probably jets pizza. pizza hut is bottom of the barrel pizza. papa john’s is too sweet. dominos is okay and don’t even get me started on Little Caesars.

my typical order depends on how fat i’m willing to get. it i’m eating “light”, i’ll get a thin crust cheese pizza but if im going super degenerate, i’ll get garlic stuffed crust meat lovers with a 2L soda.

Do you stay traditional with your pizzas (ex: tomato pepperoni pizza) or do you try new things with different sauces, toppings, and dough seasonings?

Also as a pizza connoisseur, do you consider deep dish a pizza?

it just depends. i recently made an alfredo penne chicken broccoli pizza a week or so ago. my usual is traditional but you have to switch it up if you still want to eat pizza.

however, pineapple does not go on pizza. this is something i’m willing to die over

I prefer a mozzarella/fontina mix myself but provolone is always welcome.

i’m thinking about how i can incorporate munster cheese into pizza

 

[Daddy's Angry Juice]

What if I use a high moisture mozzarella?

 

[Osama Bin Laden]

What if I use a high moisture mozzarella?

when you bake the pizza, the water in the cheese is going to make your dough soggy

 

[Iron Jaguar]

Dough is whatever, but I usually get my dough from Whole Foods

Make your own dough.

Oregano

Yuck

Pesto

Worse

If you want to flavormaxx your dough, I recommend letting it sit out for an hour or so you can let the yeast rise. You can tell the difference between freshly frozen dough and lukewarm dough.

Or....just make your own dough. It's piss-easy and tastes way better than some watery, frozen crap.

 

[LaCreaturaDeLasAmerica]

OK, where's the recipe you giganigger? I'm inept at cooking anything and need step by step instructions.

 

[Osama Bin Laden]

OK, where's the recipe you giganigger? I'm inept at cooking anything and need step by step instructions.

how autistic are you willing to go to make some pizza, nigger?

 

[LaCreaturaDeLasAmerica]

how autistic are you willing to go to make some pizza, nigger?

Rain man

 

[Degenerate Lurker]

Rain man

Yeah, yeah, gotta make dough. Definitely dough.

22 and a half ounces bread flour. 638 grams. Yeah, 4 and a half cups. Gotta have flour.
Half an ounce sugar. 15 grams. 1 and a half tablespoons. Sweet but not too sweet.
0.35 ounce salt. 10 grams. 1 tablespoon. Not too much, not too little.
0.35 ounce instant yeast. 10 grams. 2 teaspoons. Definitely yeast. Rises. Rises a lot.
15 ounces water. 415 grams. 1 and three-quarter cups. Lukewarm. Not too hot, not too cold. 98.6°F is body temp, but this is different.
3 tablespoons olive oil. Extra-virgin. Gotta be extra-virgin. 45 milliliters. Yeah.

Food processor. Yeah. Put the dry stuff in. Flour, sugar, salt, yeast. Pulse. 3 times, maybe 4. Definitely 4.
Water and oil go in next. Yeah. Run it. Ball of dough rides around. Gotta let it ride. 15 seconds. Then 15 more. That’s 30 total.

Floured surface. Not too much flour. Knead. Once, maybe twice. Smooth ball. Windowpane test. Yeah, windowpane. Stretchy, not torn.

Three pieces. Gotta be even. Deli containers work. Or zipper bags. Quart-sized. Definitely quart-sized. Fridge time. 1 day, maybe 5. 5 max. No more.

Two hours before baking. Take it out. Shape into balls. Pinch bottom. Flour them. In bowls. Covered tight. Warm place. Rises again. Doubles. Gotta double. Definitely doubles.

I know. Basic as fuck, and I prefer to use pizza flour but that's a me thing

 

[Osama Bin Laden]

Rain man

• 2 1/4 tsp active dry yeast (or 1 packet)
• 1 1/2 cups warm water (110°F/43°C)
• 1 tsp sugar
• 3 1/2 to 4 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 1 tsp salt

In a small bowl, combine the warm water and sugar. Sprinkle the yeast over the top and let it sit for 5-10 minutes until it becomes frothy. This means the yeast is activated. In a large mixing bowl, combine the flour and salt. Make a well in the center and pour in the activated yeast mixture and olive oil. Stir with a wooden spoon or your hands until the dough begins to come together. If it’s too sticky, add more flour, a little at a time, until you get a soft, slightly tacky dough. Transfer the dough onto a lightly floured surface and knead for about 8-10 minutes, or until smooth and elastic. If the dough is too sticky, add more flour to the dough.



Form the dough into a ball and place it in a lightly oiled bowl. Turn the dough to coat it in oil, then cover the bowl with a clean kitchen towel or plastic wrap. Let the dough rise in a warm place for about 1-1.5 hours, or until it doubles in size.




Once the dough has risen, punch it down to release the air. Turn it out onto a floured surface. Don't be afraid to put more flour if needed.


How to make pizza sauce:

• Oregano
• Salt
• Black Pepper
• Italian Seasoning (if you don't have anything else)
• Pesto

Take a small sauce pan, and set it to a low heat.


This depends if you want to use fresh tomatoes or canned tomato paste, it doesn't matter what you use. Season the sauce with the listed ingredients to your heart's content. I don't have specific measuring for these because I just season with my heart and taste it to adjust accordingly. Mix the seasonings with the sauce and leave it on low until the sauce becomes a thick paste.

Yeah, yeah, gotta make dough. Definitely dough.

22 and a half ounces bread flour. 638 grams. Yeah, 4 and a half cups. Gotta have flour.
Half an ounce sugar. 15 grams. 1 and a half tablespoons. Sweet but not too sweet.
0.35 ounce salt. 10 grams. 1 tablespoon. Not too much, not too little.
0.35 ounce instant yeast. 10 grams. 2 teaspoons. Definitely yeast. Rises. Rises a lot.
15 ounces water. 415 grams. 1 and three-quarter cups. Lukewarm. Not too hot, not too cold. 98.6°F is body temp, but this is different.
3 tablespoons olive oil. Extra-virgin. Gotta be extra-virgin. 45 milliliters. Yeah.

Food processor. Yeah. Put the dry stuff in. Flour, sugar, salt, yeast. Pulse. 3 times, maybe 4. Definitely 4.
Water and oil go in next. Yeah. Run it. Ball of dough rides around. Gotta let it ride. 15 seconds. Then 15 more. That’s 30 total.

Floured surface. Not too much flour. Knead. Once, maybe twice. Smooth ball. Windowpane test. Yeah, windowpane. Stretchy, not torn.

Three pieces. Gotta be even. Deli containers work. Or zipper bags. Quart-sized. Definitely quart-sized. Fridge time. 1 day, maybe 5. 5 max. No more.

Two hours before baking. Take it out. Shape into balls. Pinch bottom. Flour them. In bowls. Covered tight. Warm place. Rises again. Doubles. Gotta double. Definitely doubles.

I know. Basic as fuck, and I prefer to use pizza flour but that's a me thing

ninja'd me

 

[Overwritten Tapes]

I've favorited the thread. I'm actually baking a store bought pizza for late breakfast, with a bunch of cheese sauce dip to give me Hella heartburn into tomorrow.

 

[Osama Bin Laden]

I've favorited the thread. I'm actually baking a store bought pizza for late breakfast, with a bunch of cheese sauce dip to give me Hella heartburn into tomorrow.

what brand if i can ask

 

[Francis York Morgan]

Yeah, yeah, gotta make dough. Definitely dough.

22 and a half ounces bread flour. 638 grams. Yeah, 4 and a half cups. Gotta have flour.
Half an ounce sugar. 15 grams. 1 and a half tablespoons. Sweet but not too sweet.
0.35 ounce salt. 10 grams. 1 tablespoon. Not too much, not too little.
0.35 ounce instant yeast. 10 grams. 2 teaspoons. Definitely yeast. Rises. Rises a lot.
15 ounces water. 415 grams. 1 and three-quarter cups. Lukewarm. Not too hot, not too cold. 98.6°F is body temp, but this is different.
3 tablespoons olive oil. Extra-virgin. Gotta be extra-virgin. 45 milliliters. Yeah.

Food processor. Yeah. Put the dry stuff in. Flour, sugar, salt, yeast. Pulse. 3 times, maybe 4. Definitely 4.
Water and oil go in next. Yeah. Run it. Ball of dough rides around. Gotta let it ride. 15 seconds. Then 15 more. That’s 30 total.

Floured surface. Not too much flour. Knead. Once, maybe twice. Smooth ball. Windowpane test. Yeah, windowpane. Stretchy, not torn.

Three pieces. Gotta be even. Deli containers work. Or zipper bags. Quart-sized. Definitely quart-sized. Fridge time. 1 day, maybe 5. 5 max. No more.

Two hours before baking. Take it out. Shape into balls. Pinch bottom. Flour them. In bowls. Covered tight. Warm place. Rises again. Doubles. Gotta double. Definitely doubles.

I know. Basic as fuck, and I prefer to use pizza flour but that's a me thing

I like to use some cornmeal on the stone or pan to help keep it from sticking and also I like the extra texture it gives to the bottom.

i agree with your answer but i am sticking with mine out of pure principle

Fair enough. Also good call on advising to add provolone for the cheese. Unless you get a really good mozzarella, I feel like it's pretty one note for flavor.