Jurassic Park/World megathread - Spared no expense.

[Barry Williams]

I cannot express how upset it makes me that Jurassic Park, one of the coolest fucking things from my childhood that I have fond memories of, is now one of the lamest goddamned things on the planet. The absolute stupidest shit now. All the actors are old, the dinosaurs have feathers, it all fucking sucks.

 

[Standardized Profile]

I didn't know they were still beating cloning this dead horse. That title, Jurassic World Rebirth, doesn't even make sense. Dinosaurs aren't born, they're hatched. And they have to keep it going for a whole trilogy:

• Jurassic World Rebirth
• Jurassic World Rebirth 2: Afterbirth
• Jurassic World Rebirth 3: Abortion

 

[wholetthegodsout]

I will say I like Gareth Edwards directing style for most of his film. I think the film may have better visuals than the other Jurassic world films. Story wise I am not optimistic at all.

 

[Owen Grady]

Five years after the events of Jurassic World Dominion, the planet’s ecology has proven largely inhospitable to dinosaurs. Those remaining exist in isolated equatorial environments with climates resembling the one in which they once thrived.

See I knew this would happen. This is an admission that taking the dinosaurs off the island in Fallen Kingdom was just a stunt to jump the shark and the writers really have no idea what to do with the dinosaurs now that they’re off the island. For all intents and purposes they might as well still be on Nublar.

Though honestly you could argue that this was apparent even in Dominion which took place both in Malta (a literal island) and an isolated valley in the Dolomite Mountains.

In a way I’m fine with this, because I was always heavily opposed to the idea of taking the dinosaurs off the island, even as a child I thought it was a stupid idea. I’m just upset that they’re making another movie at all, especially this soon after the last one. I’d rather they waited another ten years before even attempting to try and make another movie, if they must. Just let it fucking rest.

 

[Mac Monster]

I’m just upset that they’re making another movie at all, especially this soon after the last one. I’d rather they waited another ten years before even attempting to try and make another movie, if they must. Just let it fucking rest.

Universal has barely any franchises they can milk. Without this film, they wouldn't have any big blockbusters for summer 2025, which is why they were so desperate to pump this out.

 

[Kari Kamiya]

See I knew this would happen. This is an admission that taking the dinosaurs off the island in Fallen Kingdom was just a stunt to jump the shark and the writers really have no idea what to do with the dinosaurs now that they’re off the island. For all intents and purposes they might as well still be on Nublar.

So wait, all that shit about dinosaur rights activism and learning how to co-exist with them while figuring out how to eradicate the giant locusts to curbstomp BioSyn's attempt at global monopoly was absolutely fucking pointless at the end of the day because Mother Nature is essentially cleaning up mankind's mess no issue?

That's retarded. What were they thinking?

 

[Tasty Tatty]

That's retarded. What were they thinking?

They were not, that's the problem. They just wanted a trilogy with the original actors before they got to old and did whatever they could... Ironic, considering the theme of the franchise.

 

[anti SJW]

I can already tell you how woke this will be.

The black guy and girl boss will save the white male scientist multiple times.

 

[Mac Monster]

I like the new Spinosaurus design, but I was disapponted to see that they are still continuing with the hybrid dinosaur bullshit.

At least the Indominus rex had the courtesy of looking like an actual dinosaur. This thing has an extra pair of tiny arms like some sort weird reptilian insect.

 

[Doctor of Autism]

I'm cautiously optimistic, could this film be fun or will it be another slog like the last two Jurassic movies. At the bare minimum, they better make the dinosaurs and whatever mutant abomination they have the main focus (remember in Dominion they compared that films abomination to the Joker) instead of devolving into locusts and shit

 

[Evil Peter Griffin]

 

[Judge Holden]

Alright, gone out of my way to avoid all spoilery talk and conversations surrounding this incoming trainwreck. Literally all I know is that it involves "mercenaries" because for some fucking reason the franchise is obsessed with mercenaries vs dinosaurs or mercenaries being dinosaurs, likely due to some boomer producer being a massive flaming autist fixated on the concept. Here is my live reaction to the trailer

0:00-0:30 - excuse plot is vomited out in short order, glasses nerd tries to be funny, Scarlet Johansson looks haggard. Also dinosaurs are back to all living on a fucking island.

0:30-1:00 - introducing nigger human trafficker character as the guy who gets them into said island, stated to be the "ORIGINAL research centre for Jurassic Park" because fuck Isla Sorna. Also despite dinosaurs only living there and being super valuable for the plot, the government doesn't bother patrolling to keep people out because the dinosaurs are so dang scary or something

1:00-1:30 - Glasses nerd says "We need DNA from the Three Biggest Dinosaurs" and immediately declares one of said "dinosaurs" to be some kind of big Pterodactyl.....god this is gonna be soooooo bad. Also a voiceover says "THESE DINOSAURS WERE TOO DANGEROUS FOR THE ORIGINAL PARK"

1:30-2:00 - Erm.....whut? Some random guy sees a raptor creeping around and whispers to glasses nerd "please don't say they're raptors...." to which glasses nerd responds "....they're rapeters". Either he has some kind of retarded accent or this shit is going in one hell of a freaky direction. Oh yeah they also brought a random kid to Rapeter island because of course they did. Also there is some straight up mutant predator that bears no resemblance to any dinosaur and looks like a giant and vaguely reptilian gorilla briefly shown as Scarlet Johansson reveals she aint even bothering to phone in with this performance

2:00-2:24 - A whole pack of spinosauruses and a megalodon are shown swimming around the protagonists' boat and according to glasses nerd are working with a mosasaur to "defend territory.....stalk.....hunt...." Cue shitty attempt at snark from Scarlet Johansson and it turns out there is also a giant fucking crocodile working with the mosasaur/spinosaurus pack/megalodon because.....oh fuck this is gonna be soooooo bad. Cue slow piano...no slow xylophone cover of the original jurassic park theme

 

[Mac Monster]

2:00-2:24 - A whole pack of spinosauruses and a megalodon are shown swimming around the protagonists' boat and according to glasses nerd are working with a mosasaur to "defend territory.....stalk.....hunt...." Cue shitty attempt at snark from Scarlet Johansson and it turns out there is also a giant fucking crocodile working with the mosasaur/spinosaurus pack/megalodon because.....oh fuck this is gonna be soooooo bad. Cue slow piano...no slow xylophone cover of the original jurassic park theme

There's no megalodon. They just changed the Mosasaurus design slightly by giving it a tail fluke like the real-life animal. Likewise, the crocodile is just a Spinosaurus that's more in line with newer interpretations of the animal.

 

[Judge Holden]

There's no megalodon. They just changed the Mosasaurus design slightly by giving it a tail fluke like the real-life animal. Likewise, the crocodile is just a Spinosaurus that's more in line with newer interpretations of the animal.

Alrighty lets take a look...

Ok, you are right bout the mosasaur tail fluke......but I still think there is atleast a 50% chance a megalodon will appear in the movie because fuck you and fuck me personally


Yeah ok now I pause it, the end of the fin is clear in this shot although during the clip itself the fin is barely visible.

I maintain my point of this shit indicating the movie is going to be phenomenally bad because for fuck sake a pack of swimming spinosauruses teaming up with a mosasaur is so fucking stupid.

 

[Kari Kamiya]

I make it a personal policy to avoid trailers when it comes to something like this. I may consider seeing it if enough people say it's a fine popcorn flick compared to Dominion because holy shit that was so dull. I just want to be entertained by my dinosaur movies instead of watching someone's bad fix fic, please and thank you.

 

[Judge Holden]

Paused the trailer to try and get a better shot of the shitty mosasaur but got this instead


Ya know its bad enough that some Jon Peters tier producer attached to the franchise is autistically obsessed with "mutant dinosaur hybrids vs badass mercenaries" and has been trying to crowbar this plotline into the franchise since 2004, but of all the actors to cast as the "badass mercenary" they choose this one?

EDIT: Ok just checked the wikia to confirm when this plotline first cropped up and found this 2004 concept art.


Hmmm.....


Lets check out the other shots

 

[DapperShark]

They're really doubling down on the stupid hybrid shit no one liked aren't they? My eyes rolled to the back of my head when I saw that dino/gorilla mutant thing. I also like how one of the characters says 'no one's dumb enough to go where we're going' and then they show they brought a kid along to the fucking dinosaur island.

but I still think there is atleast a 50% chance a megalodon will appear in the movie because fuck you and fuck me personally

lol probably higher than 50% that's definitively a Megalodon jaw behind Scarlett Johansson:

 

[Judge Holden]

They're really doubling down on the stupid hybrid shit no one liked aren't they? My eyes rolled to the back of my head when I saw that dino/gorilla mutant thing. I also like how one of the characters says 'no one's dumb enough to go where we're going' and then they show they brought a kid along to the fucking dinosaur island.

lol probably higher than 50% that's definitively a Megalodon jaw behind Scarlett Johansson:
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Yeah just rewatched, thats in Nigger People Trafficker's beach shack so.....fuck this movie is gonna be so fucking bad

Also the first shot of the trailer...


Why the hell is there a "When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth" bannner falling down? Like obviously I know this is a painfully stupid membaberry but what is the excuse in-universe? Like I get that it looks like the area is being set up/taken down by the crew there but.....fuck it who cares. We all know what this shit is and what quality we can expect

 

[Mac Monster]

I maintain my point of this shit indicating the movie is going to be phenomenally bad because for fuck sake a pack of swimming spinosauruses teaming up with a mosasaur is so fucking stupid.

Yeah, it's retarded. If the Mosasaurus is so fucking hungry, why doesn't he just eat the smaller predators?

Also, the plot is essentially just a big McGuffin hunt with them trying to get the DNA of the three biggest 'dinosaurs,' those being the Titanosaurus, Quetzalcoatlus, and Mosasaurus. Apparently the DNA of these animals will somehow give them the cure for a rare disease.

 

[Judge Holden]

Yeah, it's retarded. If the Mosasaurus is so fucking hungry, why doesn't he just eat the smaller predators?

Also, the plot is essentially just a big McGuffin hunt with them trying to get the DNA of the three biggest 'dinosaurs,' those being the Titanosaurus, Quetzalcoatlus, and Mosasaurus. Apparently the DNA of these animals will somehow give them the cure for a rare disease.

Wait...oh god I completely missed that the Mosasaurus was one of the three biggest "dinosaurs" they were talking about.

Fuck my ass this is shaping up to be such a trainwreck I kinda half want to watch it. Obviously not in the theater or in any way that involves me paying for it, but if a decent rip gets uploaded somewhere convinient for me to watch for free I may well choose to sample it for myself just to report back how much my eyes were rolling