How do you beat and abuse your spouse? - Tips and tricks of the trade

[Petronella]

Bruh just being married to me is abuse enough

 

[UncleFezziesPantsPuppet]

I made her watch a couple episodes of My Little Pony. Now she keeps calling herself a "Pegasister" and I think I've lost her. We have 3 children so I can't bail. What have I done wrong kiwis?

Well, you remember the ending to Old Yeller? There’s your out.

All kidding aside, at least your kids won’t be into what mother is into. My best wishes to you.

 

[Plague Spectrum]

I imagine them out of existence. Get it. Because they don’t exist. That’s a pretty shitty thing to do to your imaginary partner.

 

[TheClorax]

Them being within one mile of me.

 

[UnKillFill]

That reminds me, when did you stop beating your wife?

 

[DrJonesHat]

By not having one. That'll show her.

 

[Bassomatic]

I'm so proud of this one and sorry to be late chiming in but this one I'm still laughing about.

So I hosted a dinner party, with my boss a dean of a college, a few professors, and people who live next door. So it's a much older crowd than myself or mrs, and clearly very big shots.

Some how we are cracking jokes and the professor is a middle eastern jew and the humor was dark says "I can't be cremated reminds me of the rest of my family in the 40s" it goes over because we are all pretty expectant of him to break a taboo for a bad joke and well sadly that's historically true.

So, it's my turn to list a joke about my passing. "I want to be made into a marionette to follow Mrs Bass and judge her for all the other men she's gonna sleep with after I die" She just looked at me and yelled "WHY DO I LOVE YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

 

[Wraith]

Um... I have sex with my Asuka love pillow while I have my little-bitch Shinji love pillow watch. Then I make subtle comments about how great and tight she is unlike someone else I know.

EDIT: - I almost forgot, I constantly man-spread.

 

[TheFinalBoss]

I wait until he says just one thing wrong, and when I go silent/turn away and he asks what's wrong, I just say
"Nothing."

 

[:thinking:]

I mock her bow-legged knees and the silly, wooden sounds they make.

 

[polonium]

Phone books don't leave bruises.

Also, the other half has been trying to teach the budgie to talk for ages with no luck, but I taught it to blow raspberries at people and now whenever he sees Mr. polonium's Husband he rips out a huge farty raspberry which just rubs it in that the budgie likes me better

 

[AnOminous]

This is so easy.

First you beat them. Then you abuse them. Duh.

 

[Randy Lahey]

I hit her with phone books because phone books don’t leave bruises.