How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

  • 🇵🇦 Nuestro primer dominio localizado está en español en kiwifarms.pa. Our first localized domain is on Spanish on kiwifarms.pa.
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I am feeling a bit hyped. I had little sleep in the last few days so I decided to compensate with some cans of Monster. So I am dead tired, but I am hyper too. Basically I dropped many IQ points, but I became more verbose.

Beside that everything is fine, working on my digital detox with limitations because I simply can't brain much now. I just willingly allow myself to be gamed by all the algorithms for mini dopamine bumps.
 
A little anxious, to be honest. My parents run a vocational tech school that isn't doing too hot right now. Because the economy is doing so well, ironically, state counties are sending less and less contracts their way. This year has probably been the worst for the business since it was established. I know they're pretty smart with their money, but I've known this school for as long as I was alive.
 
Last working day of the year.
I have nothing to do.
I spent the last week paging my way through the Random Pics and Gifs thread here in General.
I now want to kill myself.
 
The stress of my senior year of uni drove me a bit doolally and it’s kinda fucked me in the ass. I basically became a socially anxious trainwreck that barely ever left her apartment and was too much of a weenie to speak to her dissertation supervisor and didn’t finish the essay on time. I am at best gonna get a third and my major wasn’t super practically useful to begin with so I’m a bit fucked. The rest of my grades are great but the weighting on my degree makes it so the dissertation is worth 2 thirds of your grade even though it’s only one essay out of eleventy bajillion.

My original plan was to get my useless humanities major in the field I was interested in and then spend a few years getting actual work experience and ~finding myself uwu~ before using that humanities grade to do a 1 year postgrad course in something actually useful to society in a tangible way. But most of those courses require a 2:2 which I don’t have.

I don’t see how anyone is gonna wanna hire me with a shit grade in a useless major with barely any work experience. My mom thinks they’ll do it because I’m “smart”, “ funny” and “have enthusiasm” but my degree has a not good grade on it which is all that matters objectively and while it’s a good quality to have enthusiasm alone isn’t gonna earn me money. My mom hasn’t had a job since the mid 90s and it’s basically her job to be nice to me anyway. Even if I tried to work in a museum or something I don’t see why they’d hire me over literally anyone else with better grades.

I could do a second undergrad degree in something useful but I’d have to finance every penny of it myself since I did uni once already so I can’t get another loan for undergrad level stuff. This rules out going back to the same uni I went to the first time because I got into a fancy one with sky-high tuition fees. That’s fine, I’ve made peace with that. There are cheaper but still decent quality universities I can go to, it’s just an issue of scrounging up enough money when the job I inevitably get to do that probably won’t pay me very much.

The ideal would be to go to the cheaper university in the same city I originally went to uni in, since I’ve been there long enough that I have a decent comfort zone going on and I’m still a member of the vidya society discord and they’re not super strict about paid membership to the society so I’d still be able to go to all their social stuff even if I was studying at a different uni. The only downside is I’d have to pay living costs so it’d be about 20k a year altogether to study and live in a dorm there.

The alternative is going to uni in the next city over from my parents house so I can just live with them for way less money. The transport links are pretty good and the tuition fees are about the same but I hate my boring hometown so much so I don’t really wanna do this. I will if I have to, but there’s fuck all to do here and the fact that the last train back is at 11:45pm means that socialising would be quite difficult since most of student socialising is late night stuff. Plus the living with my parents means I’d probably have to be the dweeb that updates their mom on their whereabouts whereas when I originally went to uni miles away all in my own I didn’t really have to do that. I think if I did this I’d save up enough money to be able to live in a dorm just for first year and hopefully make some friends during that time that will let me crash at their place if I wanna party in the city even if I have to live with my parents for the rest of it.

The final issue is more of an interpersonal one. My mom just kinda wants me to accept my fate and live in this boring town forever. She basically thinks this one bad grade is the apex of my potential as a human being and I should just be content with that because she didn’t get a degree 35 years ago and she turned out fine. “I can’t be in uni forever” but fuck you mom I’m an adult and I can do what I want goddammit. That said she does have a point and I would like to be done with academia preferably before my ovaries shrivel up and die. But if I go back to uni I’m gonna have to deal with her trying to dissuade me from it and I don’t really need that negative energy. Especially if I fuck off miles away again since I can’t drive so I’ll need my dad’s help to get there with all my stuff.

Ah well, either way I’m gonna have to live here, work entry level retail and hoard all my money for a least a year or two anyway regardless of what course of action I take so I guess I should just focus on that first.
 
snailslime dijo:
Two days ago I did something stupid with my contact lense and got a corneal abrasion (it's gone now tho). Please, kiwi-ers, do not use clear care with hydraglyde without rinsing it off your lenses completely. It is the product of the devil.
Presiona para expandir...

I had one of those once when I bumped into another girl in the playground at school really hard since I was running without looking where I was going and the nose pad on my glasses shifted sideways and poked me in the eye. It was not fun, especially since the eye doctor at the hospital gave me this cream that my parents had to apply by squirting it under my eyeball.
 
Tired but looking forward to the holidays. Trying to build a remote team for my new agency and packing to move in between. I haven't slept properly in months so I'm back on some good shit to fix that.
 
What am I going to do with my mom? Her depression is worsening, and she is starting to sound like a broken record. "I have to tell you something, but you're too young now. Wait till you're older. It's not a bad thing though". She's been saying the same thing for years. What is it, and why can't I know it now? Just say it!
 
Close to finishing a book I spent a lot of effort trying to find and really enjoyed reading. On one hand, I want to finish it tonight, on the other hand I kinda want to drag it out a bit more even though I really should just finish it and move on.
 
I've been considering going to a therapist mainly because spoiler but I'm too tired and nothing is really available. I have to study for an important test and I can't find the will to do it. I try to exercise by walking my dog but I just can't seem to get the dopamine

Today I worked some more on a translation of a book I love. I haven't finished the first chapter yet but I want to keep going, since the author herself gave me permission and announced it. I don't want to disappoint people.

I tried to kms about two days ago (I think). Nobody noticed thankfully
 
My cousin now has cancer, the gene for it runs in my dad's side of the family, they found it in time so it isn't far along and he'll hopefully be able to get rid of it, but I can't imagine how bad it is gonna be for him. Kids don't deserve that.

On a happy note, even though my reading comprehension is still pretty shit, I've feel that I've been improving in my German, most notably, my speaking. In fact, I've got a speaking mock soon and should probably revise instead of posting on kiwifarms if I want to get into uni.
 
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