How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Medic]

I read somewhere that this is what people say about kids who experienced death in the family. It's not a good thing.

On that same day yesterday six hours later, my dad called me and said my uncle died of a heat attack. He was crying and I just wished him a happy birthday (my uncle). Im still shaken up by that, he was having a bad reaction to kemo therapy and had cardiac arrest. Dont know when the funeral is but I hope my cousins are okay. Its scary that you mention that though.

 

[Ughubughughughughughghlug]

It’s long past real nigga hours and I still can’t sleep

 

[Otterly]

Don't really know if that's in the cards but it was nice to realize I have tge freedom and ability to do that.

You’re welcome. You did the right thing. Just put the question to her and leave it with her. Don’t push it, There will at some point be a need for someone to do more, and she will at least think of you. Keep on learning and being useful. Keep things cordial with your peers too, you do better with them inside than off.

I am still trying to get my bearings and go back to normal after the earthquake in my city.

Give it time. That’s a very unpleasant experience and you will need a bit of time.

Fun and games until you go "- that comes with a new title and pay".

I can’t give my people new titles and pay because I am far too low in the ladder, but I do my best to give them opportunities to expand, expose them to more senior tasks, give them training and mentorship and where needed the sort of feedback they can use to ask for or put themselves up for a promotion. It’s one of the bits of my job I actually enjoy. Two of my minions just got promoted to lead positions and that was very nice. Made sure when I heard they were going for it that I contacted the main people involved and sang their praises (deserved, both are good.)
Genuinely good to see decent people get a leg up instead of the usual which is whomever sucks up to management most.
Hoping someone does the same for me one day, but I won’t hold my breath. #metoo absolutely killed any of the more senior guys mentoring women, they won’t do it any more.
It’s hot today, lots needs doing outside but it’s too warm.
I feel empty and sad

 

[bliblblblbbllb]

This is my shameless blogpost-style writing about chronic illness. It's a topic full of lolcows while also being a pretty common human experience, all things considered, and I often feel they've poisoned the well. Maybe I just read too much Kiwifarms. But, even my older female relatives with stuff like arthritis talk about Spoon Theory and think every 3rd person on Earth has a hypermobility disorder, so, idk. That stuff is not relatable to me and it is hard to find relatable experiences.

So there is no reference to zebras or spoons here, and I wish more people opened up in this sort of way, outside of that narrative.

Spoiler: long post inside

I have been quite sick, but at the same time my life has been going ok! I really try to keep myself from going into a tizzy. The hardest part is that I don't feel I can discuss anything with my family. They freak out a lot more than I do. There is just a strong prejudice that I'll be useless, "Omg your life is over!", when that really isn't my situation. I haven't stopped working or anything else.

Just within the last few weeks I feel a sense of peace, rather than anxiety. I believe if God wants me to go through something I'm ok with it being part of the story of my life. I understand I just have to stay upright and face it like a man. But I still don't feel like I'm strong enough to witness my family freak out about it. So, my own weakness does drive me away from my family.

Also about 50% of my friends totally fucked disappeared because of me getting crippled. People will talk your fucking ear off, "Oh they weren't your real friends then." Who are YOU to tell ME who my real friends were? I'm here to say that people are not infallible and sometimes people just can't do it.

See, my own family has also been in that "not able to handle it" camp. I hope people would understand that that doesn't mean my family "doesn't REALLY love you." It's just that they're also mentally ill white trash and that's just the tough world I live in, ok?

So that's my gripe. It's not appropriate to tell people "They weren't really your friends if they fail you!" because it invalidates the fact that I did enjoy their friendship.

In the last two months I've made a few new friends. When I was younger I really hated this concept, but as an adult, I do actually think that sometimes when your life changes radically, you just can't take everybody with you. I.e. if you move schools or jobs you just are going to lose all those buddies and that's just the way it works. So similarly, if your family member is murdered, or your house burns down, or you have a stroke, or something like that happens, one of the consequences will probably be losing people in your life, because they can't walk the spiritual path with you. Again, it doesn't mean they're evil, though. It sounds so evil when a woman is divorced by her husband and loses all her church friends because she gets breast cancer, but it happens all the time.


I was never a guy who got in a lot of fights or could sustain anger. I never raged at video games or stewed over things like you see people do. I was more of a sad person. Somehow between the ages of 18 and where I am now, I have drifted from being a "blue sad" person to the start of what I'd call resentfulness. I do get feelings of anger that last several hours and stay in the back of my mind as I feel a great tension and disappointment with getting crippled. I think a lot about how it's impacted my family's expectations of me, and the implications on how the next generation, like my nieces, nephews, and potential own children will see me. I really feel okay when I'm by myself and slowly get angry when I'm around people who don't understand. Even when they're literally little kids who "don't know better", I think, "This is horrible that this is who I am to them." And I feel angry at the world, just hanging out with friends and family.... not good. Not very Zen of me.

So, this is another new thing for me: When I was younger, it made me very angry to be around other people with health conditions. It's even part of why I got into lolcows, because I do like to laugh at clowns and freaks. I used to say I absolutely did not want to be associated or introduced to other disabled people. I only wanted to be around people that I could look up to.

However, something switched in me. I randomly saw a youtube video of somebody in my situation who was married with kids. I recognized he knew things I didn't know about the way the world works. And I realized, "You have to learn how to be the cool, mentally stable disabled person from other disabled people."

I realized the feelings of resentment totally go away if I'm around other disabled people and I should probably befriend them, even if "nobody really understands." I have to just kinda suck it up and be humbled and recognize that in these groups, these other people are generally wayyyy more successful and well-adjusted than me. I look up to them. It is I who is the incompetent, maladjusted cripple, the thing I fear. And some of that I did to myself by trying to avoid these labels and people for so long.

I'm still so touchy I'm not even saying my diagnosis here because I don't want anybody to make comparisons or have some response that will get me in a neurotic thought spiral. I really don't want to share that piece, but I did want to share this "growing up" piece as I thought it might be useful to some other guy in his 20s.

I did actually see a counselor a few times recently (I have had so so so much talk therapy in my life- so none of the concepts are ever new, I don't need any more "tools for the mental toolbox"), but indeed I found it was actually just aggravating me and sending me into thought spirals. I really didn't find it therapeutic, not even in the sort of "oh tough love and you'll make it through the other side." Nah, it was just ineffective and pissing me off!- not every mental problem should be addressed with talk counseling. God I wish people would get that.

This is my preemptive attempt to get people to not gently suggest I see a therapist as if the idea has never come to me. I am not indicating a desire have somebody tell me my situation is valid enough to seek professional help. I am just stating my current internal situation in the hopes that it's relatable to somebody at some point in time. I will accept album suggestions at any time, though. I like Black Flag and Meatloaf.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

Keep things cordial with your peers too, you do better with them inside than off.

I don't think that's in the cards. They've already assigned a social role to me and the more I try to break from it the worse it gets. I've bought lunch, offered help whenever possible, done everything I can. They do not care. The middle manager has also been condescending to me talking to me like I'm retarded and I don't notice. Tried grey rocking but it's only gotten worse. I'm pretty sure they sabotaged an order on me twice yesterday by reading it out instead of actually showing me the ticket. They really do not like a new guy coming in who isn't as miserable as them. So honestly if I do stay I'm just going to do my job and let them talk. It sucks not being able to socialize or gossip about the same dumb shit as everyone. I know I'm not the only one who's gone through this because I've gotten warnings from others about the dynamics at play.