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But this is really starting to get to me and I just want to confirm that this sort of shit is kind of normal with (unresolved?) grief + excess stress for ages and not the beginnings of schizophrenia or something.
Go buy a carbon monoxide detector, and go talk to a Rabbi (or a priest) to see if someone is hexing you.

Death premonitions are not unusual, many people have them, myself included. But weeks upon weeks of strange tortuous dreams and constantly feeling off is not typical grieving behavior over a dog - even if he was the bestest boi on earf.
 
Go buy a carbon monoxide detector,
Just checked the ones I have and they seem to be working fine. Wouldn't carbon monoxide issues lead to a pretty swift death if they were severe enough to affect my dreams? unsure

and go talk to a Rabbi (or a priest) to see if someone is hexing you.
I'm really at a loss as to who could even be doing that if so. I don't really know anyone outside of my family and haven't for years. Anyone else who knew me by my actual name moved away from me over a decade ago. I'll still go anyways, might as well visit a synagogue if only to hang out with family, but I'm not sure there's an occult cause for this so much as just stress compiling and that somehow maybe tricking my brain into making all of this way more vivid than it usually is. Dunno.

Death premonitions are not unusual, many people have them, myself included.
Those are usually for people who are dying (and then know it's "their time" somehow), though, aren't they? Didn't think they'd apply to somehow feeling, well in advance, that someone you know and love is going to die. Or knowing the last day you'll see someone even with no real reason for you to know then. Grr, I don't know. I'm not a huge fan of all this.

But weeks upon weeks of strange tortuous dreams and constantly feeling off is not typical grieving behavior over a dog - even if he was the bestest boi on earf.
Isn't it typical for someone with an anxiety disorder, though? I'm less concerned about the awful dreams and more the thing that keeps popping up within them. (And the lack of sleep, of course, but that's a problem I've been fighting since way before these things began.)

I appreciate the concern, I hope I don't come off like I'm rejecting your help or anything, I'm just trying to be as reasonable as possible about most of this and trying not to get myself into any occultist holes. The only reason I'm even somewhat slightly considering any of that as an explanation is because it's clearly something or someone non-physical and not just a figment of imagination (or, if it is, it's some type of figment that's been seen by other people and documented as reoccurring/having a cause, presumably). Thank you for even attempting to help with what could probably be used in court as evidence of the beginnings of someone's mental breakdown. :story:

EDIT: for reference, in case it helps, today's dream involved killing a home invader and not anything weird (outside of usual weird dream stuff like someone's room looking like an aquarium or four adults sharing one small bedroom in a house with like 5 different empty ones). The day before that was nothing at all. This is still sporadic, if it's a pattern at all, and not some constant kind of haunting
 
I appreciate the concern, I hope I don't come off like I'm rejecting your help or anything, I'm just trying to be as reasonable as possible about most of this and trying not to get myself into any occultist holes.
In my experience, regardless of what's causing the problem, if you make the prescribed efforts to address it - it will dispel, because you are fighting it back and/or pulling yourself closer under the Lord's protection. And yeah, I agree the occult sh*t is bad; those people always think they're gaining an edge. In reality they're just being used. Like a young whore who thinks she's found easy money.
 
Looking forward to tomorrow but... Really fucking lonely.

I can't go anywhere or else I might lose my shit and not be back in. I don't have any food on hand. Not a great final day to be here.

I just think people have become really vile. I've met nice ones but people really seem to be losing their minds out there. That shit today with the PS2 controller was funny but honestly depressing. I knew this guy for three years. I did everything I could for him.

I just want to feel comfortable around people. I feel like most the jobs I go to are filled narcs who push out any decent people. Most my living situations end up around addicts or cluster bs. The few women I've dated have generally been crazy. I don't recognize people anymore. Everyone's some weird political extreme now. I just feel like they keep getting worse. Ive unironically been broken to the point I kind of get schizos who believe in gang stalking. I feel like the one weird guy in town everyone spreads rumors about. That's insane, but some stuff is so peculiar it has got me a little paranoid.
I see value in myself more. But it does get hard when you realize you might not ever be able to form proper connections with people because the people you've chosen to be around have decimated you multiple times.
I just think people are really disgusting now. Obviously not all. I've met plenty of lovely people lately. But I am more scared now of even trying to build anything strong with them considering I have the worst taste in people ever.
I'm still looking forward to the future. Very much so.

I think the reason I really wanted to die for so long was it just seemed like a nice way out. I've been manipulated, played, harassed, fucked with everywhere I go. I've dealt with this constant stream of anxiety and agitation from dealing with people my entire life that it just seemed like a nice option to at least have.

I know the mentality on this site and how some people will think I'm just a professional victim or say I'm the one provoking these reactions. But I really try my damnedest all the time.

Sometimes life is just so needlessly stressful and people I thought I could trust act so weird. There's no foundation. That's why the idea of sleeping on a bench seems oddly appealing now. At least that's just something simple to figure out and not having to navigate people's ever melting neurosis.

Life is beautiful. But yeah, I'm a little tired of trusting people now.
I really hope this is just maybe a locational issue. Or a profoundly retarded lack of sussing people out due to low self esteem.
I really want things to get better. To find people that won't split on me (and I mean that in the mental definition). To feel like my anxiety and internal image isn't always being backed up by the people around me.

A life meeting and dealing with Cluster Bs. I got just enough habits to make it hard to find healthy people but not enough to actually victimize others and properly be like them.

Ill be fine. Better than ever. But I do want to wake up from all this soon. It's all just so goofy and annoying.
I really would like a hug from someone other than myself right now.
I'll be seeing my brother soon so that will be nice.
 
Última edición:
Been dealing with the inevitable loss of a close relative diagnosed with cancer and in terminal stage. Doctor gave two weeks tops.

Death isn't something that we're prepared for. Ever. Be it someone else's or our own and there's nothing we can do to stop it and the more you try to avoid or deny it, the worse it is in the long run.

I only have a personal dream left but as I reach 30, I find it very unlikely for it to become true.

With few surviving relatives and absolutely no prospect of being with someone in the foreseeable future, as this was never something that would ever come to be, I gotta be prepared to deal with life alone until my last breath.

Anyone under these circumstances would feel sad, forlorn and depressed, but I kinda stopped giving a fuck about life a long time ago. "Numb" would be the word for what I'm feeling right now.

I have no clue of what's going to become of me from now on. Loneliness isn't something new to me, but it gets stronger over time.
 
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