How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Also thanks everyone for the job advice, I haven’t replied cause I genuinely don’t know how to add onto the conversation, everyone just has genuinely helpful good ideas :) I especially appreciate @Friend of Dorothy Parker assuring me I am in fact not a failure
She's good people.
 
Today at work fucking SUCKED. I can't believe my day started off with a call where we did everything in our power to address it, and the dumb cunts breaking the law still fucking won. Only to do this shit again tomorrow as a fuck you. Fuck I should've been a state trooper or some shit than what position I have now. Either way days like these remind me I don't want to work in Law Enforcement longer than necessary but I do genuinely appreciate my team and love the supervision I have right now.

Really though right now I like my job but days like these make me question what the fuck are we even doing here if we have authority but can't punish the people who deserve it rightfully.
 
got me a cold and now i have the voice of the queen of melrose for the week :suffering:
 
Everything feels so incredibly bleak just now. It shouldn’t, it’s summer, I have the weekend to relax a bit, but i just feel utterly devoid of hope for the future and incapable of happiness, contentment or even small joys.
How does one move past this complete block? Everything is terrible. Work is terrible, home not great, world is falling apart (although that’s not my fault and maybe I should just ignore it…) I have another couple of decades before I can retire and my job is unsustainably awful and stressful, it’s going to give me a stroke if I carry on this way (which would at least solve the issue, I suppose…) I tried moving companies, the new one was the same as the old one and my entire field is the same .
I’m trying to be positive and it’s all just falling completely flat. I do not want to exist in this world. I’ve had enough. Obviously this is not an option and I must continue to exist because nobody else is going to do the fucking laundry but it would be good to at least have the smallest glimmer of hope for the future.
What am I supposed to DO to get out of this? It’s been years, what am I doing wrong ?
Maybe you are overstressed or overinvested into things that give you nothing but worry? Idk your situation, of course, but it sounds much like "no mana left". Maybe it's time to sort out those things by stress they give you and gains you receive from them and then get rid of toxic/useless people/stuff. Like, if you have mortgage, apparently you can't just drop your job, so this is top stress and top gains. But idk "word is falling apart" is not worth your worry unless you are in the epicenter of some armed conflict. Personally IDGAF about any shit like politics, ideologies, left-wing/right-wing retards - whatever people like to bicker on Internet. I'm not getting paid to argue about this stuff. Then, going further, your work / home. What exact thing makes it terrible? Colleagues? Chief? Policies? Your spouse? Parents? A place where you live? Sometimes, it's really just some one person out there who makes the whole thing seem insufferable.

Also, when I start feeling like that, I take a long vacation. Travelling always helped me to change perspectives, especially, if it is 14 days in the wild. Go somewhere wild and adventurous. Go alone, if you want.

My father might die soon. Cancer. And well, "soon" is relative but I have a nagging feeling that saying "years" left would be a delusional cope...

This was a situation in my partner's family a few years ago. Cancer, a hopeless case. What I learned from that was:

1) Why? Because fuck you, that's why. Justice belong to fairy tales. If you don't want to spiral, it's better not to ask that question at all.
2) Take care of your own health. Consider it a sign from above and do the check ups. Make your close ones do the check-ups, especially older ones.
3) Spend time with him, talk, be there. If you feel like you can do something for him, do that without a question. Keep in mind that each time you see him, maybe the last time.
 
It has been sort of a melancholy year but I have been strangely nostalgic. I've been looking at archives of places I used to visit on the web from back in the day, rediscovering old hobbies, spending more time with family and friends. It made me realize what I've been chasing most of this time was my own acceptance, not necessarily acceptance from other people. It doesn't matter what kind of community you join, what kind of friendships you make or what kind of life you want to live; if you don't even respect or care about yourself then what kind of life could you expect to live? Not a fulfilling one. The internet and the things/people I used to care about on it are dead both literally and spiritually. Part of me feels some sort of regret about coming to these various realizations late in life but it is freeing.

This probably doesn't make any sense and I'm not a regular poster itt so I don't expect anyone to care but I guess I would recommend phasing out hate and things that do not benefit your life as well as accepting the past is the past but you can still build a meaningful future for yourself if you try. Probably, who knows
 
The Multiplayer of one of my old favorite games, Battlefield: Hardline, is shutting down tonight. Bit sad about it, honestly.
 
I hate the modern world. I've been blackpilled by realizing how much it and its problems center around porn.

If you are a crackhead or an alcoholic you still need to get out of your way to get your fix - meanwhile the most disgusting, satanic, borderline illegal porn is aviable in your phone 24/7 for free for everyone, including children. Everyone is introduced to porn since before puberty, everyone gets their expectations about sex from it, and everyone thinks that watching it is perfectly normal.

Think how much of disgusting shit we see every day result from pornification of the society. Choking, "rape play" and other harmful fetishes? Porn. Troonery? Porn addiction. Relations between sexes being in the mud? Everyone is addicted to porn and every potential partner has to rival it. Depression? No one can enjoy anything because their brains are fried from porn. And the list goes on.

You can't escape it. Want to go somewhere? Porn ads everywhere. At the train station in my city there used to be a giant billboard of woman in bikini lying on the back with her cleavage right at the camera (they knew what they were doing, you can't convince me otherwise.)
Go to a bookstore? All smut.
Social media? Even more smut.
Wanna watch a movie instead ? Every new one has tons of sex scenes, often gay sex. Half of them are primarly about said sex.
How about Youtube? Oh here is challenge run of my fav- THIS VIDEO IS SPONSORED BY WAIFU FUEL GG, USE CODE "CUNNY" FOR 10% OFF!

Porn is a fucking poison, I thank God for having realized that. If you still watch that crap I encourage you to do the same. In a few days I'll hit a 3 week streak of not watching it, apparently this is where all the urges stop.

Uncle Ted was right, I hate the industrial society and its consequences!
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I want to say alright, but I feel unfulfilled. Work is going okay but I want to do more. Be somebody. Instead I waste time getting mad at the internet over things I have no control over. I am terminally online. It’s easy to do, but the stuff I really want to do (wish I could do) is difficult. I’ve dreamed of being creative, but I’ve scared myself shitless at the possibility of making terrible art. Additionally, I feel like I need step by step instructions to do anything. I just wanna stop wasting my life online and accomplish something.
 
Cut ties with a group of friends this weekend after having a 'straw that broke the camel's back' moment where it became obvious I'd always be seen as an outsider to them. Doesn't feel great, but I knew it was coming, I even woke up that morning wishing I'd just ghosted them after a previous incident.

Rate me :politisperg:if you want but it's probably the last time I give anyone who's openly a leftist the benefit of the doubt, when it comes to offering my friendship anyways. I normally keep my politics to myself, and I was willing to overlook they/them pronouns and other forms of faggotry because we shared similar tastes in games and media. But those types will turn on you the moment they sense you might be a threat to their izzat, real or imagined.
 
Spent sunday at the park for some animal-centric event. It was mostly a bunch of fatties with their five dogs here and there, but saw a few livestock and other such wacky creatures. Had hoped for a bit more, but it was nice seeing my city buzzling with people for once. Granted, barely any at that. Really wish I lived somewhere near the sea. For some reason harbors always have a ton of events, especially during the summer. The ex-royal shipyard is next to an old fort that is used for music, but it's obviously ye oldies as an excuse for the pensioners to knock back wine.

Apparently we had a huge-ass europe-tier kite festival some time ago? I really need to start googling more events and throw them into my calendar, especially now that I'll hopefully get a motorbike. For some reason motorbikes are an easy focal point of shit around here. New restaurant? Invite some motorbikes to stand around and you're guaranteed visitors. Annual opening of some theme park? Motorbikes.
Cut ties with a group of friends this weekend after having a 'straw that broke the camel's back' moment where it became obvious I'd always be seen as an outsider to them.
My dad helped reboot his local motorbike club. Halfway up Sweden he had to take a break and realized nobody even noticed, so he just turned around. Sort of how we seem to act: Do all the work, take none of the credit, and yet still don't even get a ceremonial back-pat. I'm currently in the same boat: I send very niche memes, news and 'neat' to friends according to their interests and get -nothing- in return. Even the odd time I'm outside and see something that reminds me of them, just nothing. I can leave my phone in my locker at work and return to no notifications from all these terminally set-to-offline people who only show up to vent when I haven't spoken to them in 3 weeks.
I’ve dreamed of being creative, but I’ve scared myself shitless at the possibility of making terrible art.
I tell myself I don't have the urge to be creative yet working in a psych ward and seeing "normal" patients able to play Für Elise at age 19 or draw something worth paying for is mind numbing. How can these kids, raised during tablets and phones, still have the drive to work with their hands? I've coworkers who "just" knit cause they're old women but they're kinda sick at it. Something they've just done for themselves and not to be 'that knitta' on Discord.
Think how much of disgusting shit we see every day result from pornification of the society.
I've friends who casually share porn for the sake of it. It has been completely normalized to go "teehee look at this wacky AI" and it's fully animated rawdogging of their favorite character, and they too didn't seek it out; it probably just appeared on 4chan. I feel sick now that it has hit the mainstream and you see fucking borderline minors want to do OF. Amateur porn, two hairy people fucking on cam? Nah it's a 21 year old BRAT QUEEN who.. shakes slightly in her bedroom. Even as we drown in porn, it's barely porn. It's normalization of getting womb brand tattoos, doing ahegao and 'dancing' in way of slightly wiggling. Even twerking is an art form compared to this crap.

Boredom leads to overeating, masturbation, idle media consumption and degeneration. Idle hands are the tools of the devil, and that's why people pick up hobbies. Bored? Read. Bored? Guitar. Bored? Walk somewhere. I used to walk around and take pics of whatever pin on Maps were missing them, but you can only do that so many times.
 
The Multiplayer of one of my old favorite games, Battlefield: Hardline, is shutting down tonight. Bit sad about it, honestly.
I was up until 5AM playing matches. Now, the servers have shut down on console. I was expecting them to close at 3AM EST since that lines up with 12 AM PST. Great time; I will miss the multiplayer. Now my knee hurts.
 
Weirdly tired. Probably cause I haven’t eaten in like 3 days but yknow.
 
The deadline for my report submission is tomorrow and my professor hasn't given me any feedback on it yet. He doesn't even know what the work I did for a whole year was about. It could be all wrong and I won't know it until a couple hours before the deadline.
 
I was feeling a little less shitty from COVID, but then my stomach decided to unleash hell from being irritated.
It has been hell.
 
I was hit with a profound sadness over the weekend. I went to the beach by myself and went to go see a movie with a cool dude I met recently. Got some help getting home from a girl I know. Lots of tender moments of human kindness mixed with a sublime isolation. Just seeing people do stuff together, enjoying eachothers company... wondering where I went wrong where I was the one guy out and about by myself.
Even had some strangers start up conversations with me. I witnessed a couple on the beach sitting down playing some kind of chess game while listening to The Cure. That seems like a good time if you ask me.I decided that I want to have that in my life at some point. That would very much be my feelgood final scene in a movie that I'd consider a victory of life.
I decided to pull out a book someone on this thread recommended I read a long time ago and started reading it as the sky turned a fuchsia dusk and a cold wind blew by. It was about yo be night and I saw an old woman walking and praying along the shore. Then I was all alone. I was probably the only one left on the beach.

It hit me how downbad and awful I've been for a while. I've been feeling a lot better the past month or two but it was in these last couple of days that I think a lot of the feelings and overall awareness of my life I've tried suppressing came out in waves. Noticing how intensely alone I am even when meeting new friendly faces, how badly I've planned or havent my life, noticing how I'm that one guy who's great at being anyone's friend for ten minutes but not anyone people need in their life, lamenting how I'm not in search of a different part of America, but a different time and that those things I'm looking for just aren't really a thing for a lot of the country anymore. That I desperately wish I could have done so many things differently,but that I'm also happy with a lot of the times I've had in the "bad" timeliness I ended up in.

The manic pixie dream girl I talked about before drove me home and was surprised I went to the beach and said i shouldve told her. I asked her if she would have actually gone if I asked and she said yes, she actually would have.

I'm such a bum. Why do people only seem to like me when I don't expect them to? How am I both more popular and more alone than I thought? Is my inability to not get laid a lot or have a big group of friends and family around the sign of the world becoming authoritarian and homogenized and I am doomed to be not well adjusted to an unjust world or is a lot of this a moral, spiritual and social failing on my part?
And why do we never actually get an actual answer to any of that?
It's way too fucking hot outside,I have no internet besides my phone, I have no idea what to do about my living situation soon, I've been hit with too much awareness of how much I currently suck at a lot of life, and I'm getting just very melancholic and getting those bittersweet feelings thinking about moving onto something better while not wanting to say goodbye to certain things and people... and wondering why I couldn't be looking at life this objectively about a decade ago.
Aint life grand?
 
Aint life grand?
Honey, melancholy and reflective is okay, but don't let it rule you.

The good things in your comment were many, though I understand how emotion can tinge even brilliant days as bittersweet.

But try to roll with the ups and downs, seeing them for the parts of a cycle they are (and I don't mean psychological/ psychiatric cycles, as in disordered cycling - just normal cycles).

What's past is past. It hurts, but it is just a figure the rear-view mirror.

Big thinkers will always suffer to a degree. That's not terrible. Learning to find times to be in the here & now is critical.
 
Honey, melancholy and reflective is okay, but don't let it rule you.

The good things in your comment were many, though I understand how emotion can tinge even brilliant days as bittersweet.

But try to roll with the ups and downs, seeing them for the parts of a cycle they are (and I don't mean psychological/ psychiatric cycles, as in disordered cycling - just normal cycles).

What's past is past. It hurts, but it is just a figure the rear-view mirror.

Big thinkers will always suffer to a degree. That's not terrible. Learning to find times to be in the here & now is critical.
Thank you for your kind words. And I hope your vacation has gone well.
I think it's the fact that those feelings didn't rule me that was a lot to take in. It wasn't like in the past where it felt "wrong" or I went back into a deep depression. It was that feeling where you know you're kind of supposed to be processing it a certain way, and accepting that.
I was just in the car driving home and I was just thinking of the people I've met,how I'd like to know them longer but also that it really is time to be going. How much things have drastically changed in a short period of time and how dumb and self destructive I've been and how much this could have happened sooner... but also how it couldn't because things did have to get so bad before I could see things on the other side. I was thinking of my friend and how absolutely off base he's been and how much I miss having that one friend who I thought would be there through everything... but also enjoying the memories and all the fun we had (People might think this is gay but I made a scrapbook recently of all the rerelease movie tickets i've saved and have just really enjoyed looking back over the last three years at all the adventures we went on as well as thinking back on the Farms and all the advice and help I've received, a lot of it from you honestly).
It was mostly just this sense of lonliness that was really hard to deal with. Seeing people out and about having fun with eachother, having the kind of connections that just come easily for people. Kind of felt hard not feeling like a lame duck seeing everyone together and noticing how alone I kind of am at the end of the day. It mostly makes me feel like all the negative stuff that was said about me growing up feel retroactively true now.

I appreciate your words. I think it was just a necessary bittersweet series finale feeling. And the future is so beautiful I can't even begin to fathom it.
Thank you for always having my best interests in mind always. Never stop being you.
 
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