Thank you so much for the advice. It's truly, deeply appreciated.
But the easiest way to improve? Go out and talk to people. Believe me, there's a lot more people willing to be kind to you than you think.
I'm finding that out. I had someone from the past ask me some loaded question of they could interact with me in a healthy way that I would deem appropriate. And I just told them I'm not going to list the ways because they already know and that when you're doing things right like the majority of people I talk to, that's never even going to be a question.
I've had a good chunk of kind, considerate people I've met lately. But I've been hating how my brain just kind of blanks in conversation or how it's hard to move things along. Which is very, very weird because I would say half the time I'm actually really great at flowing dialogue along. I can joke on the spot, I have no problems talking to strangers wherever, I've been known for being jovial and easy to talk to at all my retail jobs. I'm an extrovert, the people I meet usually are quite nice to me.
But just so much stress and put-downs at my new job dealing with a shark training me who's known to basically just berate everyone there, in my home life from a friend I've had for a while while having some dude who assaulted me live there... I just feel defective. Most the time I just find myself wanting to punch people in the face when they're being intentionally cuntish, which has been too often lately. So all this shit has fried my brain a bit to where when I'm around decent company I'm just taken aback and feeling like I can't live in the moment, overly thinking their facial expressions or why they're being so nice to me.
You said you always had been this way somewhat, but it's been getting noticable to where you want to change your ways. It's natural you develop behavioral patterns based on the social circle you're around. If you were around a lot of people who put you down, it may have instilled those ideas into your head. Think, could any of those reactions you describe be caused by bad experiences you've had?
Without a doubt. I just really despise the fact that when I'm dealing with said people, I'm never able to actually just snap and overtalk them or be confrontational. I just always kind of take it. I had a moment recently where I really could and should have verbally taken someone apart, but I just couldn't do it. I know I was dealing with a dude who was professional at gaslighting and DARVO, so I get why I tripped up. And I still think I made my points clear But I really wish I could have just truly digged into him, instead of feeling like a weakling again.
What I'm trying to say is, instead of worrying about what your subconscious behaviors are telling people, think about what they're trying to tell you. You will learn to be a bit more understanding to yourself, and can learn to separate yourself from that subconscious. Awareness will make breaking those habits a lot easier, and you'll be able to identify signs of them early before messing up in conversation again, and going "I wish I hadn't said or acted X!".
I think I just have this inability to come up with words on the spot. I try so hard to find the right expression or be formal in my speech that it comes out wrong. I know I just haven't been engaging in things as much, reading/writing even watching shit. I've been so depressed for a while I've wasted time. But it is really annoying feeling like an idiot half the time, especially when you're dealing with people that are kind of intentionally trying to put you in the spot to begin with.
It's really difficult feeling like you're actually retarded sometimes and you can pinpoint a bunch of reasons why, but can't find any way to truly get past it.
I know it all boils down to just not giving a fuck and having a backbone. But there does come a point where enough people pick up on the fact you're not super combative and will actively try to ruin whatever shred of self-respect you have.
So if you can point to any specific places I could learn how to address this I would appreciate it.
Thank you again for the reply.
