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If dry, acetone/ nail polish remover if you don't have an adhesive remover. Or just deal with it and it will eventually come off. If it's still wet or semi wet just wash with soap and water and scrape .
If dry, acetone/ nail polish remover if you don't have an adhesive remover. Or just deal with it and it will eventually come off. If it's still wet or semi wet just wash with soap and water and scrape .
Been struggling with what I'm 99% sure is an anal fissure or fissures since mid-April. I had back to back courses of amoxicillin because of dental stuff which absolutely wrecked my gut and gave me diarrhea for a while. I was shitting three or four times a day for a couple weeks and along with it alarming amounts of blood. Also, imagine the pain of shitting razor blades out your ass. That's what I was dealing with. Multiple times a day.
But wait, there's more! Early last month I noticed an abscess forming right above my rectum and started having mild flu symptoms. I knew whatever was going on, the fissure or a hemorrhoid or whatever, was now infected. Eventually the abscess swelled to the size of a grape. I called my GP's office and got an appointment with a nurse practitioner. The night before, the abscess burst and by the time I got to the office there was more or less nothing there. The ANP looked at it and was like "Yeah, you burst it, it's probably all good now ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" and referred me to the gastroenterologist for the blood shitting. She didn't prescribe any sort of antibiotics, even after they drew blood and found that my immune system was at DEFCON 1 and I was anemic, probably from the blood I was losing out of my ass. The best part was that the gastro office couldn't get me in for a month.
In the meantime I was slamming fiber supplements and probiotics and eventually got back on a regular shitting schedule. Was still having instances of low grade fevers and just general malaise during this time. Made it about a week and a half with no blood.
On Saturday I took a shit and was like "uh-oh". Reached around and the abscess was back, bigger and more painful than ever. I immediately went to a walk in clinic and they were like "Yeah, we can't drain it because we're worried about messing up your sphincter, so we're going to refer you to a general surgeon ¯\_(ツ)_/¯". They gave me a scrip for some heavy duty antibiotics and made an appointment for me with the surgeon which, as of writing this, is next Tuesday. They also told me to do sitz baths three times a day and to go to the ER immediately if my fever spikes above 100 because it probably means I'm going septic. Did I mention, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ?
I've been bedridden all week. It burst again while I was sleeping a couple nights ago judging from the giant sticky, wet stain on my sheets but when I woke up it was full again. If I lay relatively still I'm okay, but if I clench my butt or otherwise touch the abscess it's fucking excruciating. But at least I'm not dealing with the fissure pain anymore. HAHAHAHAHA nope. I took a shit tonight and could feel the fissure slicing open and the lovely sight of blood filling the bowl. So right now I'm dealing with the double pain whammy. It's amazing.
Anyway, tomorrow (today I guess) is my appointment with the gastro doctor. I'm praying she's just like, "Fuck the general surgeon's office we're just going to drain it here ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"
For those concerned about colon cancer I wub u, but after running everything through AI and doing a lot of reading, it's a textbook anal fissure. I had a colonoscopy a couple years ago and it was clean.
I am just finished with work for the day and I am so stressed I feel like someone has shoved a knife in my stomach. My face is twitching.
Reorgs at work have meant significant staffing shortages and nobody is going to replace those people, while we get more work piled on us. I’m juggling a set of projects that are not far off half a billion in revenue and I’m so stressed I feel like I’m going to have a stroke.
I have made 3 "growing up" realizations in the past year or so. If you are in my general age range (mid 20s) or a bit younger (i.e. 18-21ish) you might find this interesting, and if you are much older than me, you might like to laugh at it idk.
I feel like all of these are not terribly common opinions or common sayings, so I feel compelled to write it and put it on le ebil Kiwifarms, as it's been on my mind a lot lately.
1.) When I was a kid, especially a tween, I wanted to grow up to be "mysterious" but couldn't pin down what that actually meant. I like "mysterious" characters, especially people like detectives or soldiers with hazy origins.
As an adult, I realize what I actually valued was freedom from my family's influence, and power to make my own decisions. When you are introduced to a character with "mysterious" motivations, well it rules out that he's some lackey at the beck and call of some boss, or his mom and dad. Generally these "mysterious" characters do not have any close family ties, at least not ones that openly influence their behaviors.
When a "mysterious" character does something, it's because they wanted to do it and had some internal reason, vs. "He's broke" or "He was compelled by his parents." Mysterious characters aren't chasing trends to be the most popular, or trying to climb the social ladder, or being Mr. Kiss-Ass and networking constantly. They are generally not constantly parading their beliefs or trying to convince people to be on their side. They are self-assured.
In practice this meant things like picking my own jobs and college majors and not being compelled by my family and peers, and going to events and traveling of my own power, again instead of being a dependent. Having a few years of savings under your belt, and a few years of work experience, has lead me to have more of my own personality, not just things my family has raised me to believe about myself. This is a big difference between being 18, coming out of high school, and being a few years into your 20s.
I was around some relatives and realized they literally didn't know about certain jobs I had, certain skills I've obtained, and major life developments of mine. This meant I was kinda immune to the sorts of random demeaning comments and crab-in-bucket behavior that comes from my trailer trash upbringings. They were totally unaware of my income situation, when in the past if I got 20 bucks in a birthday card at a party, I'd have people asking me to buy them things because they knew I had money. I had finally done it. Parts of my life were a mystery. Same with friends: I have friends that don't know where I live, or what my parents do for work, and that was not really feasible growing up. It is a sort of power, and probably better described as being "private" vs. "mysterious."
Autonomy. I really didn't have that word as a 12yo who really liked Solid Snake.
2) "Don't tell anybody shit" has drawbacks. Obviously, if you are talking about feeling powerful from being a private and mysterious person, it seems like the best thing to do is not tell anybody shit. If you have the misfortune of looking at Reddit, they will advise going no-contact with your family at the drop of a hat. And I am no-contact with a few people, but things are greater than myself at this point and I want to be involved and be a responsible adult in the lives of the next generation. If I give up on my siblings and half-siblings, I give up on being a childhood presence in the lives of various nieces and nephews. So what does that have to do with not telling anybody shit?
I lie about all my income sources to my family, so that they don't beg for money. And I obviously don't brag about my lifestyle, but I also don't intentionally hide or lie about it. They enter my house and they see the things I own. They aren't stupid and they see me going to doctors, traveling, and spending money, and they want to know where the money comes from. Because I have not disclosed my sudden windfall and am vague about my line of work, they accuse me of living a life of debt/"your house of cards will crumble!" pretty regularly..... Because that seems, to them, the most logical way to process what they witness.
I reduced my work hours, and without the information about my income, it looks irresponsible and regressive. I have caught a lot of flak for this, especially because, in their eyes, I have no good rebuttal. When I had my "I won the lottery and my life is forever changed" moment, I did not imagine that a year from then, my parents would be calling me a bum because I'm no longer washing dishes 50hrs a week.
If I even hinted about the money.... they'd want the money, so I have never, ever implied that I have any savings. Again I want to stress that they aren't horrible people who beat puppies all day. They are just broke people, but I can't help them in any meaningful way, because they're all broke due to behavioral things. I won't let them abuse me financially and drag me down to their level, and the only way to avoid that is to take this hit to my own ego and rapport instead.
3.) While money might be a good lube for the struggles of life, it doesn't replace your own effort.
Here is something about "winning the lottery." I did not actually "win the lottery" and won't detail why I had a windfall, but it was several year's salary worth, in cash, all at once (well and then taxes.... lots of taxes.)
I really, really didn't predict it would feel this way. I still struggle with the impulses to spend all the money down and basically revert to who I was before this windfall. That's a very common thing but everybody talks like they'd be immune to it if they won the lottery. You say, "I would never be one of those people who blows all the money and ends up living just like they were before! I'd do xyz and make my life great!" Well I'm here to say it's hard and I really think people don't get it unless you're experienced it yourself. It's not just about impulse control and not throwing lavish parties and getting shitfaced all day. Using a windfall to make positive changes or progress in your life.... still requires effort. If you took a black out of the ghetto and put him in a nice penthouse apartment and gave him 5 million dollars and a shave and a wardrobe of suits and polos, and lined up 10 job offers, you know what would actually happen next.
As much as you want to change when winning the lottery, and as much as I thought, like anybody else, "Oh, I won't blow it, I won't squander it!", the actual reality is a little murkier and real life progress doesn't happen overnight. I have spent a lot of money on medical things, when I previously definitely wouldn't be able to see specialists. At the end of the day I'm not really sure the outcome was any different LOL. I took one of my friends out to a really nice restaurant, and he did not like the food because he's a chicken nuggie guy- I realized, if I actually wanted to live this image in my head of going to "nice restaurants", I would literally need to get different friends- but I like my current friends, who are mostly autistic janitors and things like that. Money really couldn't benefit me socially when the social currency is your proficiency in niche Dragonball lore and your skill in card games. You can't just throw money at your health or education or social well-being. Well, unless you just want to live a hollow life of steroids and hookers, I guess.
I feel like this is one of those periods of life I'll be deeply nostalgic over in 10 years, so I am being picky about what music I listen to, LOL! I don't want to have a shitty soundtrack in the highlight reel before I die.
I've had encounters from my old friend circle recently as I've been on the come-up. And it's been a really cathartic experience seeing some of the people who used to mistreat me and recognizing they haven't changed at all in about five years. These people are almost twice my age, too. People can think I'm being a narcissistic "I am so cool" asshole, but I don't mind congratulating myself anymore.
I've had a similar conversation piece with a couple of different people recently on the subject of if people can actually change. If people have agency, or if they're just reacting to whatever happened to them when they were a kid. Can people overcome their mental duress. That sort of thing. And so far I've been the only one who actually, stanchly believes that someone changing themselves is the only thing a person can, and realistically should do.
It's been kind of unsettling noticing how people will absolutely refuse to believe that notion. I keep waiting for a moment where they say they're just in denial or know they're wrong deep down, but no... they all seem to really believe that change is impossible for almost anybody, or at least they're willing to pretend they truly believe it. Maybe it's just the wrong sample, but it's weird how many people vehemently fight the idea that someone is capable of making their own decisions, and isn't just a result of external forces outside of their control. But also all this has made me happy with myself, because I agreed with those ideas for a long time. It gives me a weird hope. I get a lot of the reasons why people think along those lines. If everyone else has no choice in the matter, neither do you. If you're defined by the actions of your parents, then you never have to take account for what you do to others. And if you start judging others and putting up boundaries for what they do to you, that means that you realistically have to start having boundaries for yourself and take account for the ways you interact with the world.
What I'm saying is I'm better than everybody and my dick is so fucking big. But no seriously, it's kind of a nice reminder to look at a lot of people I've been jealous of in the past for the aesthetic of them having it all together, and looking at it now they had less of a sense of self than me. It's nice to look back over the years where I thought I was wasting time and was going nowhere, a lot of times I was very unhappy. Now in a way I'm happy I've been unhappy because it shows I wanted more. I was actually making serious mental legwork. I've had so many very big spirals and I know I'll be down again in no time. But now... I'm kind of good. As much of a joke it sounds like... really weighing out the value of eating a gun for a week or having a good couple of months where I thought about walking into every oncoming car on my way home and having lived varying stages of that for a very long time and having had everything go wrong and still somehow say "Nah, that shit's dumb." has been freeing.
I'm not happy most of the time, but I'm proud of who I've become.
It's been nice to somehow finally have an inflection point in life. A point where things, actually no you, are actually happening and there's a rhythm and color to everything. When life isn't just this narrow path that's paved for you by everyone else but one you can actually pave as you make your own. It's not all gay and flowery all the time. A lot of the days still suck, but I'm actually trying to do things for once. I'm actually open to decisions now, even if they're mistakes. And that's such a great place to be.
Going to get a pizza delivered here in a second. Going to watch some AVGN as I finish packing. I found a place I can move into really cheap, only planning it for short-term though. Going to move within the next two months. Actually doing it now. Going to go see my brother in a couple of weeks. I'm not suicidal for once, so I actually can start doing things with my life. I have no idea what the future holds. It's so terrifying and daunting and I can't hardly wait.
I have made 3 "growing up" realizations in the past year or so. If you are in my general age range (mid 20s) or a bit younger (i.e. 18-21ish) you might find this interesting, and if you are much older than me, you might like to laugh at it idk.
I don't know you but I took particular interest in this post because I've never seen anyone in a similar situation before. We imagine ourselves in people's shoes all the time, especially when those people struggle or are dealing with life's lessons. It's easy to say, "Oh, if I were you, I'd X instead of doing Y", because when we observe the bigger picture instead of participating in it, we see so much better. Everyone thought about winning the lottery one day or another, read about how-tos and what-thens, because a billion everyones thought they might just be that 1 in a billion to win.
But as I read deeper into your experiences with the lottery, and especially how it affected your social/family life, I immediately rushed to the same thought process: "Me, I'd do X instead", "Obviously he should've done Y!", then as making those retarded assumptions was starting to take me too long to figure out, I realized, I have no idea what I would do If I were you.
I made this post to bring you up and not ramble about myself. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It's rare to see someone in such a uniquely delicate situation, and it especially speaks to me that you're overcoming what logs its throwing under your feet. It's almost like being a fish in water watching a baby bird climb back onto its treetop nest after stumbling out. I know nothing about you or your life, I don't know your struggles, but I see you're struggling and fighting back regardless. Struggling with something I would never imagine myself to be entangled in. It's a privilege to be taught a lesson in something you never had to study. To know how bad it stings when you weren't the one who got hit.
All my pondering and gratitude aside, those are some big lessons to learn so early in life. Accelerated by the uniqueness of your situation. I'm sure there's a lot of aspects of your story a lot of other people can relate to in a way, or draw parallels of from their own lives, like your struggles with financials in your early 20s. But the journey is uniquely yours, there's a lot to be grateful for in a way to see it through a stranger's point of view. It's a good idea to share those. I read some feelings like regret in your post, knowing you should've done better when you knew how to. But I hope shame isn't one of those feelings, it reads more like a precaution, like a learned realisation. That's a very proper mindset to have when dealing with such as you are. I hope I think a bit more like you do when I navigate my early 20s, too.
Bi-monthly weakness had me logging into the Apps(TM) again. Matched with some boring looking self-proclaimed nerdy girl and within a heartbeat she sent me four paragraphs about how she's a 'sex worker' and that I should unmatch her if I'm opposed to it. Out of sheer curiosity, I kept chatting. You could tell she was genuinely hurt by people turning her down over onlyfans, yet not realizing that she could just, cease? Stop being a whore, having chosen to be one out of her own free will? She's not exactly a dangerhaired fujo and she doesn't know a lot of mainstream nerdy shit, yet she's not a complete normie either. Odd kind of person to go "Hm. I should be a whore".
Meanwhile I got no parental guidance in my life, didn't get pushed into a youth job and picked a bad degree. If I could change anything in my life, it would've been getting a job at 16-18. Feeling first-hand what a real job is, probably guiding me towards a better degree or blue collar work. I don't mind having wasted 5 years of my life but like.. imagine if I hadn't. Found myself a gardener gf or something. Fuck, had my dad pushed me into motorbikes and a trade in my late teens, chances are I would've had a bunch of good years riding with my parents, landed a local gf and never moved down here to waste away alone, hours from all family.
It's easy to say, "Oh, if I were you, I'd X instead of doing Y", because when we observe the bigger picture instead of participating in it, we see so much better.
I found myself in conversation with a "youngun" in their early 20s the other day. I legit just threw up my hands and went "you're too young to understand" because a lot of things in life are only learned by experiencing it on your own body. I read of a guy who won money and wanted to give a bit to his parents, but suddenly they started talking about "our" money. He wanted to set them up with a monthly payout for life until that turned out to not be the right thing either. Hell, I read that xQc gave his mother $100k to spend as she saw fit, and all she did was stash it away. He didn't get it until people commented "bro she did that for you in case your career falls through". Good people are few and far between.
it's kind of a nice reminder to look at a lot of people I've been jealous of in the past for the aesthetic of them having it all together, and looking at it now they had less of a sense of self than me
Now you just need to face the actual truth that any and all people are capable of being fucked over by cosmic rays deciding their time has come. You're looking at people you thought higher of, who likely never thought ill of you, now facing misfortune or stagnation, and your only measure of them as people is materialistic. If anything, feel superior to their idleness and lack of drive. Your posts read like that those of a tranny friend. You can tell transitioning is a joke to him, yet he does it. You can tell he's above the troon pipeline and stereotypes, yet he partakes in them. It's not any less severe to be a low quality human just because you bring light to it. You're hellbent on change and improvement, but once that zipperhead broad leaves you, the gun is back in your mouth. Not much of a change then, innit then bruv?
Fwiw I think you’re doing the right thing in keeping the money quiet. If people know you have money they do treat you differently. Keep your good friends, go eat nuggies with them. tuck the money away and let it grow and live a secure life, but also dont skip on the things you really enjoy is my advice. You dont say if you’re partnered up but do NOT let on you have money when you’re dating, either
Matched with some boring looking self-proclaimed nerdy girl and within a heartbeat she sent me four paragraphs about how she's a 'sex worker' and that I should unmatch her if I'm opposed to it. Out of sheer curiosity, I kept chatting. You could tell she was genuinely hurt by people turning her down over onlyfans, yet not realizing that she could just, cease?
It sounds like you two met in a very vulnerable space and she took that opportunity to relieve herself upon you. You approach eachother with exposed hearts and she rips hers apart further than it's necessary, for an avoidable reason (choosing to do sex work). She desecrates herself by this humiliation ritual of explaining her line of work to men on apps, and then desecrates her body by doing said work. She damages every aspect of her life, then promises to damage yours by cucking you.
Damage is all she's ever known and it feels safe to her, hurt keeps her life moving forwards into more hurt, it's her only source of stability. Thank you for standing your (the twos of you) ground, because she couldn't.
Despite what you said, I'll assume I don't know what your stance on this lifestyle is. I believe you have enough self worth for the both of you to make a smart decision on this crossroad with her.
I found myself in conversation with a "youngun" in their early 20s the other day. I legit just threw up my hands and went "you're too young to understand" because a lot of things in life are only learned by experiencing it on your own body.
It's a good idea for your own good, and what I hope the stranger you mention here did, to take any advice of that quote to heart. It's good to assume if someone says that to you, there's a defining reason for it. I hope he responded to what you told him with less arrogance and more thought.
Hell, I read that xQc gave his mother $100k to spend as she saw fit, and all she did was stash it away. He didn't get it until people commented "bro she did that for you in case your career falls through". Good people are few and far between.
I almost think of what she did there as the same statement you told the guy in your quote mentioned above. Both are ways of saying "You're too young to understand". It's easier to process it as care instead of pretentiousness when it's your own mother, but you and her really said the same thing, just in 2 different ways.
PS: Was at the farmer's markert today and I saw like 7 cute girls in straw hats and overalls. Your dream gardener gf is out there somewhere, I promise.
