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I'm sitting in my parked truck in a with the windows up running the engine to blast the AC while I eat a philly cheesesteak and drink an ice cold Coca Cola.
I bought a plastic water bottle from Staples which I use as a canteen full of lemon water to bring with me when I drive around as of late. Brutally hot here, but heavy rain is a nice trade-off given all of the moisture which gets in the air.
Incidentally, during this new weight loss thing I'm doing, I've decided to permanently cut out pizza and ice cream. I am hopeful it'll help though I didn't eat the stuff as much as I used to. A notable sacrifice since I used to love pepperoni pizza, but these things need to happen for a light at the end of the tunnel.
OooOooooh I'm TOR'ing it up in here ooooh my brain is growing bigglier and wrinklier OooOooh I am so stelfs on the intertubes I am a dark web citizen OooOoooh
Masculine urge to just disappear. I'm so tired of trying to relate to people, entertain new concepts, get into new games or complete old ones. I love reading the books I'm into right now but it doesn't scratch the same urge as gaming does. The book can be amazing and all I think is "damn I wish this was a game", knowing I'd have no interest in playing it. I'm twiddling my thumbs awaiting this motorcycle thing to kick off. About all I can do.
I recently returned to my current workplace from a dogshit office that was meant to be my big break. When I did this move initially an ex-coworker also found a new job. I was very envious of her and kept meeting her in my current ("old") job. Yesterday she too returned to our old job, quitting her new job because the stress wasn't worth the money. The more I learn about the job market, the more I realize working at the bottom is often more sane and worthwhile. Fuck middle managers, fuck 'leaders', fuck HR.
I've come to realize these kinds of forums are more rehumanizing than any other space. Mostly because the forum format puts off the average zoomoid and that being jaded about SocIeTy means you're up there in age, usually also meaning you'll be more likely to try to connect with fellow Earth-disenjoyers properly than to simply doompost on Twitter.
Incidentally, during this new weight loss thing I'm doing, I've decided to permanently cut out pizza and ice cream. I am hopeful it'll help though I didn't eat the stuff as much as I used to. A notable sacrifice since I used to love pepperoni pizza, but these things need to happen for a light at the end of the tunnel.
Had to endure two coworkers talking their weightloss drugs. Jesus christ, they pay a car's fee every month just to lose both fat and muscle mass and looking worse for wear instead of growing some balls and reducing their intake. I've seen several coworkers try this and that and cold turkey never works out. Once I was done dropping 50lb, I basically hated eating and got it over with as quick as possible. I see nothing wrong with sugar free soda and a simple pizza every other friday after work. It's once you start beating yourself up over the smallest loss that shit goes awry.
I fast 5-6 days a week and technically you can skip two days and lose no progress as per scientific study (ie. don't fast saturday-sunday). I don't mind skipping a third day if a coworker brought cake cause I know this is my new default. It's not a short-lived project to lose weight, it's a new normal. If you're standing in a store and go "well I can't eat these 3 things but I can eat these 2", you're not in a mindset to simple skip the decision all together. Until you truly realize the benefits of living a healthier lifestyle you'll never stop struggling.
Have a dinner date tomorrow with my adoptive extrovert friend, and honestly I'm just socialised out. I've been so used to being myself all day, every day since I moved out. I haven't had a person I would consider a friend since 2011.
How do I tell someone that, without making them feel like they're at fault or that their energy is wasted on trying to socialise with me outside of walking our dogs.
I'm so bad at this. I'm my own worst enemy and I keep kneecapping myself at any opportunity I get.
I got back from travel this past week, and as usual any time I haven't traveled on airlines for a few months I got sick, so I'm watching yesterdays MATI.
I did get to see something cool though at an un-named shitty Texas airport.
For safety I asked the AI to remove the background. Not my flight but I saw this and thoughy "Hey, that's pretty cool."
People from my past who suddenly cut me out of their lives are trying to contact me again and it's upsetting the hell out of me. These are people who never told me why they stopped talking to me, they just cut me off and left me wondering what the hell I did to deserve it. I want nothing to do with them, but I keep getting notifications from things saying "[Person's name] looked at your profile!", and it stresses me the fuck out.
Have a dinner date tomorrow with my adoptive extrovert friend, and honestly I'm just socialised out. I've been so used to being myself all day, every day since I moved out. I haven't had a person I would consider a friend since 2011.
How do I tell someone that, without making them feel like they're at fault or that their energy is wasted on trying to socialise with me outside of walking our dogs.
I'm so bad at this. I'm my own worst enemy and I keep kneecapping myself at any opportunity I get.
Turn down invitations again and again, if you can't just say you don't want to be friends. You'll alienate her soon enough. But I thought you wanted a friend?
I am not doing well. I may have been scammed out of over 50k and that is absolutely insane for me I'm not so easy to scam but I don't know what else to think. This is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me, I feel so fucking violated and taken advantage of. If this doesn't work out I will never recover from this. There is a very small glimmer of hope in front of me and I just pray that I can get this figured out. If not, it's police report and lawsuit time. Not to mention fighting with my credit card companies. Either an incredible amount of shit is about to hit the fan or my plan works. Either way, pray for me, my beloved kiwis.
i'm doing.... okay!!! honestly okay!!! no longer homeless!! i managed to get a flat!! it took fucking forever!!! but i got a permanent flat!!
i passed my second year of university, too. going into my third soon. i'm trying to line up a masters. my relationship with my mother isn't great, so i'm trying to work hard and save money to irish exit. being stuck in an abusive situ like that shouldn't be my 'normal'.
my meds have been upped again, and i'm taking a lot of contentment with being with my friends. recently, since i've moved, i've taken a lot of joy in seeing the sun set near me. its things like that that are really grounding that make me realise that 'nothing is impossible' and trying to be optimistic about tomorrow.
not without its challenges, though. i've been pretty badly sexually harassed on campus and the uni and police have been involved. it's being resolved very slowly, and i'm not the only victim. so me and the other women have been rallying behind each other as this continues. we're doing our best. its been pretty harrowing, but i'm doing okay.
accepted Jesus, cool little add on, teehee, hoping to get baptised next Easter <3 He's been my source of strength when i've been feeling super low lately.
TLDR: naptime is alive, no longer homeless, leaving abusive family situ pronto after i've finalised the safety net needed for incompetent retarded family members [working hard to do this asap], now a Christian and actually decided on it instead of pussying abt it, meds increased, men on campus suck and the police need to actually do something pls and thank you.
sorry i've been gone for so long! i forgot my password lol and i had to focus on ~life~ for a whiiiiile. hope you're all doing well! praying for you all and sending my love as always!! <3
not without its challenges, though. i've been pretty badly sexually harassed on campus and the uni and police have been involved. it's being resolved very slowly, and i'm not the only victim. so me and the other women have been rallying behind each other as this continues. we're doing our best. its been pretty harrowing, but i'm doing okay.
I got some really positive feedback at work last week and I've felt jittery ever since. I'm not used to it. Internally, I am pretty confident that it's true and I deserved it, of course, because I mean my job isn't hard and I'm not a total retard. But it's just so alien of a concept to me to even hear compliments from a person in a position of authority at a job, that it fucking freaked me out, honestly.
I've also been touching grass and hanging out with people more because the weather has been nice. But that is starting to feel like this whole momentum I have to keep up. It's easier to be an internet hermit. You don't have to maintain anything. When you are at the bottom you don't have any distance to fall. When you climb up, you realise how scary heights are.
I'm really shaken up about my church today. Trying not to assume the worst and make a big deal out of it.
One of the things I really like about attending there is that the pastors there are great at expressing moral quandaries and getting me to reflect without explicitly tying them to anything modern. No politics, as a rule. Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and all that.
But the lead pastor has been on sabbatical this summer, and they've been having guest speakers ever since. Most were good, even great. Lots of insight, both about my faith and about the Bible. But we've had two female speakers, both of whom are really proving to me why women shouldn't preach. The first lady had a long sermon about Ruth, and I thought it was a tad too on the nose about being a story of an immigrant.
But she was masterfully subtle compared to today's speaker. A whole diatribe about the two midwives who stymied Pharaoh when he ordered that male Hebrew newborns be left to die, then when he ordered they be thrown into the Nile. Talking constantly about the importance of civil resistance to tyrants. No Kings was explicitly mentioned. Loving your neighbor was twisted constantly into a political slogan. Tons of modern, academic "culture of critique" verbiage throughout. "Silence is complicit" was uttered. If I hadn't been in the band that day and had to stay to wrap up the show, I would've walked out alongside a number of other parishioners. She even ended it with a candlelight vigil for the two illegals who got killed trying to evade ICE last week.
This church is my refuge from the oppressive monoculture I live in day to day. I always appreciated that for once I felt like I didn't have to tapdance for fear of an incorrect opinion re: the outrage du jour getting me cast out. It felt violating seeing God's word twisted for political ends like that. I treasure the ties I have to this community, but I can't deal with that on the regular.
This church is my refuge from the oppressive monoculture I live in day to day. I always appreciated that for once I felt like I didn't have to tapdance for fear of an incorrect opinion re: the outrage du jour getting me cast out. It felt violating seeing God's word twisted for political ends like that.
Have a dinner date tomorrow with my adoptive extrovert friend, and honestly I'm just socialised out. I've been so used to being myself all day, every day since I moved out. I haven't had a person I would consider a friend since 2011.
How do I tell someone that, without making them feel like they're at fault or that their energy is wasted on trying to socialise with me outside of walking our dogs.
I'm so bad at this. I'm my own worst enemy and I keep kneecapping myself at any opportunity I get.
Being aware of that you’re self-sabotaging is a good thing. This could be good for you, but your illness is already preparing you for the worst case scenario. You can’t be that much of a drab to be around if she wants to hang out with you, after all. Don’t believe in everything you think.
On the 5th day at my new job, we were doing a guided tour of the site, and I briefly wandered off. Saw
"NIGGER BITCH TITS 🕱 "
written on one of the new machines, still in its wrapping. I couldn't stop giggling the rest of the tour and much of the day. At one point someone asked me what's so funny. tf do I say to that?
it took fucking forever!!! but i got a permanent flat!!
