I'm in, and have been in, a weird place in my life for a while.
You figure out something and then life decides to change to create new problems. Over and over. For years now I've had issues with pain in my hands that make doing things I based my identity and self worth on simply difficult, if not impossible most days. I was an "artist", but now I'm nothing. I don't make things, and can't really participate in those spaces without finding myself extremely depressed about the situation. My friend circle was very much based on those activities and as time has gone on I've continued to exist there, but with an ever diminishing group of people whom I feel any ability to speak to, simply based on shared interests or activities. That, and I feel like talking to me about it is just not very fun, if you base your life on creating stuff, and then all I can do is just relate back to how maybe my next treatment will help, or whatever. Maybe I'll be able to get back to it. Maybe.
Tie this in to a sort of social retardation that I have that makes me feel woefully inefficient to please other people. (i.e. Having the emotional depth to be part of a healthy relationship) and I'm just feeling very.. lost. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't feel like, whoever I am now, is good enough for other people, whether that personal or impersonal. "Try using your prior experience to, idk, make youtube videos, etc." I just don't think I can as I am now. There's something wrong with me that I gotta figure out first. But I've been saying that for years now.
I can't even say I feel sad about it as a whole. I've had long enough to come to terms with my situation on that front. I just feel lost. Like I'm barely a person anymore.
