I hope you at least realize, self-flagellating and ripping yourself apart are not the answer to your pain. Why be so hard on yourself? It changes nothing. Maybe you are trans. That’s not the end of the world. You can make it work. You may not be a natal woman, sure. But you could also never be anyone other than who you are…on all levels. Not just being trans, but the same with your personality, nature, habits, psyche, etc…you are who you are for a reason. You weren’t born trans on accident. If I were you, I’d focus less on “curing” myself. I would focus more on “what makes me truly happy?” And if referring to myself as a woman (despite being a biological male) made me happy, I’d stay in my own little lane and focus on that, as well as hobbies and other things that bring me wholesome joy. I’d try to remind myself that I’m not my pain or my hurt. I would also do these away from the opinions of others, because you seems to carry a great deal of shame that isn’t even yours to carry, when it comes to how trans people are perceived. You don’t have to always understand your pain. If you can, try to say at least 1 kind about yourself today, then carry it into tommorow. Keep building on it until by the end of the week, you’ve at least said 7 positive, lovely things about yourself. That’s not nothing.