The forced effort is back! We get teaser clips and an intro slide!
In one teaser clip, she has a lightbulb moment, and decides charcuterie is just 'adult lunchables' and that's why she likes it so much! Because she's mentally arrested and eats to soothe!
She's STILL stinking up her butter yellow sweater, so I feel this will be a b-roll, absolute garbage recap video of everything we already know. Brb crying
She tells us she decided to make an entire vlog out of her desperate need for processed carbs: she was told of a pop up bagel shop that is apparently called Pop Up Bagel. They're as creative as she is.
Anderson babbles happily in the background.
She claims Anderson is having 'pre breakfast', so we can absolutely look forward to him being an obese child. She drools like a St Bernard as she describes how amazing the reels for the bagel shop looked.
She completely exhausts herself and gasps for air as she tells us her grand plans for this epic weekend: her "best friends" baby shower is tomorrow and she's going to make 'cute charcuterie cups"!
She gives her daily tard weather report, and promptly runs out of thoughts to pad the run time, so let's go get a bagel!!
"Oh my God it's so busy! *Wheezelaugh*"
Yar's slack jaw profile, and the store's cringey millennial motto. Supposedly their 'thing' is giving cream cheese on the side that you have to dip your bagel into. Alex will use her bagel like her beloved scoops chips to aquire as much cheese as humanely possible per bite.
It's extremely loud and they're blasting shitty party music, I would immediately throw a Molotov and run away cackling, this place is overwhelming in the worst way. It probably feels like a real party to Alex.
Can you imagine your friend dragging you to this shitty new novelty bakery for hungover brunch, it's crowded, noisy, overpriced bagels, and you caught a glimpse of this mouth breathing homunculus ripping cringe selfies in the mirror?? The human experience can truly never be artificially recreated.
"WE'VE DECIDED TO SURPRISE YOU." Holy quirky bullshit jumpscare! Queen kai better gorilla grip her FAS head crown Alex is coming for it! I hate that she thinks she's so funny when she does this.
"Guess where we're going now?! *Wheezelaugh*". Yar stays silent, as his lawyer advises.
They're going to Audrey's Coffee Shop, which is Jared and Ashley's coffee shop??? What the fuck is she talking about??
. She says they're going to eat their bagels on the way bc it's a small place so they can't stay there long.
She finally explains herself and says this coffee shop is owned by a fucking reality TV star, that's why she's excited to go. Some bint from Real Housewives.
She claims she has actually been once before, but she doesn't remember it, and it was BEFORE they were reality TV leeches, so it doesn't count.
She fills the void of blissful peace with more ramblings and shows us her fucking bagel order. This makes me think about the retirement of another favorite cow, Anna, and now I'm sad, thanks a lot ALEX
I'm impressed she can reach down to the bag between her feet to show us that they got TWO containers of "schmear". Plain and a specialty flavor, etole, which she pronounces more whitely that I even knew possible.
Those have got to be like 8oz each, that's way too much for two people, good God. Don't get me wrong, I live for the Jewish delis that make their own bagels and spreads in house, but we already know the horrifying state she's in, this is egregious.
I briefly checked their website, this place is a rip. There's obviously no overhead and they have the most basic shit. I hate novelty nonsense like this.
Their website is a pain in the dick to use so I'm not fucking with it anymore, but a dozen bagels and two schmears is nearly $50?!?! Man I am a cheapskate lol.
Anyway.
She tells us how this stupid store works, and shows us Andersons half eaten bagel. You get your bagels, and rip and dip, just like the huge fucking sign said. She goes into gushing detail about how fresh and warm and incredible the bagels are.
She reads 'salt bagel' on the bag, and admits she's never heard of that before. She asks Yar and he says he has. He's more bagel cultured than she is lol.
We get a "cream cheese tour" on her gunt
She offers some to Yar to sample, and he asks her to use a knife. She refuses because she wants to follow the instructions! Yar acts oblivious, like he's never heard that blend of words together before, or that he didn't just spend half an hour in a nightmare room with the words printed on the walls.
"You're supposed to rip and dip, that's what they call it!"
She repeats rip and dip like a retarded parrot, and he grimaces each time, but tries it. Obviously it's going to taste fine, he's just being a petty dick about the method.
She gives him elote flavor first, and of course he says it's "really good".
I think watching him try something she's getting her whole dopamine dump on gives her a rush, like foreplay or something. I'm impressed she doesn't have the food aggression like Chantal does, and can give him the first bite lol. She can temper her expectations based on his reaction.
Horror movie still:
The Thing, 1982
Her tiny mind explodes with joy while her body silently screams and slowly dies a painful, rotting death from carb and sodium overload.
She hands him the plain flavor next. It's fucking bagels and cheese, please, spare us.
So they "sample" the cream cheeses with the remains of Andersons second breakfast, so they can later have a whole bagel each to themselves. Right.
She disclaims their annoying behavior, saying that Yar is a SAFE DRIVER and that's why they have the Tesla, duh!! And only moments later he takes both hands off the wheel and eyes off the road on the highway.
She unhinges her jaw to 'sample' plain cream cheese, as if she's never had it before.
I'm so annoyed with how she's turned this basic bitch breakfast run into an entire event. On her death bed, these will be the memories she recalls.
She claims best bagel ever, and tells us this is huge, because she's always craving a new york bagel. I think she means she'll be huge.
Ok more poor people complaining because look at how small the bagel is compared to her hoof! Overpriced novelty nonsense!!!
They now 'review' their everything bagels.
Small minds struggle to think, but still think alike: they both wonder if this will be the first time they like a plain bagel more than a flavored one. Please kill me.
They both adore the crunchy outer layer of the plain bagel. Sigh.
She grosses everyone out, talking with her bloated mouth full of chewed food, and bothers to apologize for it but continues to do it. Barf.
They ponder some very googleable questions about how the shop works, but Alex let's Yar know she's going back asap, so she'll find out then.
They finally arrive at the shitty TV cafe.
She pans the cafe, telling us the vibe is cozy, and shows us a bunch of tables where "the infamous trivia night fight took place'. This is so second hand embarrassing, being a reality show tourist omg.
She clips Anderson being a cutie.
Yar got a cortado, and she is trying a lavender lemon, Starbucks refresher -esque abomination, of course. She doesn't like coffee, she likes sugar and caffeine. "I love lavender!"
I like coffee though, and I need a refill. I wouldn't mind a little Irish cream either lol. Cheers
@Diet Coke 4 Life 
She very calmly declares it good, and says it tastes like lavender lemonade, so she hates it lol. She wants so badly to be a trendy girly pop. Just stick to your candy coffees and get over yourself.
Suddenly
AAAH jumpscare!
Miss Cleo should sue.
She says Anderson laughs every time she does her vlog intro, and pretends she cares about him at all.
She says she and Yar are having leftover schmear for breakfast, of course. I'm surprised she didn't just sit up in bed with a loaf of bread last night, shoveling the schmear in.
Her fat induced lisp is the star of the show lol.
She is unabashedly excited about eating cheese. She whoops as she shows the containers and asks Yar which one he's having.
She fantasizes over his options for him.
She tells us it's Sunday, so it's likely May 31. She is 'so excited ' for her best friend's baby shower.
She claims she actually washed her hair today, I'm sure her friends will be relieved.
She says Nancy is coming too, good God. She rambles about making charcuterie cups.
She worries if she will have enough ingredients to fill out these snacks, as she knows she'll eat half of them in the process. She prays she doesn't have to send Yar to the store for emergency meats.
She claims they spent the rest of the day with family yesterday so she didn't vlog, and she admits to buying more crap from the TikTok shop.
She decides to leave in a stupid clip of Yar interrupting her for coffee. So qwerky and relatable!!
He was clearly trying not to interrupt shooting but she decides to leave this in anyway. Cue the man hate in the comments.
She tells us she was influenced by a secret foot fetish account, and saw some girl on TikTok put this on her feet so she has to now, too.
She believes TikTok advertising and thinks it'll be as effective as a full pedicure.
She scoffs as she smugly admits she didn't check to be sure it was pregnancy safe first, then once again defends her retarded use of ChatGPT to check the ingredients.
She sees that it has salicylic acid, which she calls 'controversial', but lies and claims she was cleared to use it in small amounts by her doctor when she was pregnant with Anderson so FUCK YOU STOP CALLING HER OUT IN THE COMMENTS!!!
She also got pr from glow recipe, and hopes there's something exciting she can use to get ready with in there. She thinks the pride packaging is cute
She got temporary tattoos, which she thinks is so fun. Like she'd be caught dead at a pride parade.
She likes the specialty package design for the
Watermelon Glow Toner. Anderson babbles boredly in the background.
She also got a corporate gift tote back, which she flatly claims is lovely and she loves it. She hates it.
They apparently have bagels at home, possibly her beloved Greek yogurt bagels. She offers to make one for Yar.
They look like machine made bagels though, so that larp was short lived. She bitches about how they're not as high quality as her novelty rip off bagels were.
Anderson is babbling too much for her, she gets irritated and asks him if he wants to get down, as if he can understand her at all, when she's never worked on communication with him.
She can't stop herself from horking food down on camera, claiming she is checking to see if it's still as good as it was yesterday.
OBVIOUSLY it is.
Her anxiety gets the best of her, and she attempts to get ahead of the comments, and lets us know the salicylic acid content of the foot cream is technically too high, so she can't use it until after pregnancy. Womp womp! She'll 100% use it off camera, fuck that baby.
She finally starts building her stupid charcuterie cups. She "preps" pre cut cheese cubes.
She pretends to enjoy Anderson chasing Bruno at her feet.
She's a retarded, wasteful slunt, so she's going to open a bunch of single serve Chomps meat sticks to cut into inch long pieces and mix with the cheese cubes I am becoming enraged. THE GODDAMN DELI at most grocery stores prepares this shit for you, you stupid fucking
She claims she's doing this bc they're her friend's favorite and pregnancy safe. I'm crashing out y'all.
She shows the skewers she got in her last video.
She wipes her congested pug nose, then begins unwrapping and bare handling the meat
She smells something stinky and accuses Anderson of having pooped right after she says she just changed a poopy diaper dear God please spare me I am so sorry for whatever I have sinned
She mouth breathes on the food and uses her snot fingers, and exclaims she needs Yar's help, she procrastinated the prep and she's realizing it will be tedious.
"Isn't that cute?!" NO ITS A FUCKING SNACK FUCK OFF
Yar larps as a petit bourgeois elitists and accuses charcuterie of just being basic bitch lunchables, and this is a mindfuck for Alex as she becomes slightly self aware. She takes it as a compliment though.
She is already excited about how 'cute' they're gonna be.
She accidentally exposes that she has no fucking idea what charcuterie means, and says she's going to fill the cup with grapes and stuff. She starts a montage.
She does a shitty blur job when Anderson walks into the shot. It just looks messy.
She pauses the montage to show how this simple task was too monumental for her, and she did indeed recruit Yar for slave labor. He's probably just happy to get her out of the house faster.
She lists the contents: grapes, dried mango, cheese and meat skewer, crackers, and a salted caramel.
She guffaws at her perceived charm, and says she needs to get ready, then clips to shots of food at the party, of course. Priorities!!
It is nice that people helped host this shower by bringing food.
She shoves in vertical Instagram pics. Proof of actual friendship!!!!
Aaaand another flapjack titty jumpscare.
She's completely out of breath again as she explains that she couldn't vlog much of the party and (thankfully) didn't vlog the getting ready because she ran out of time. She painfully describes the hair process regardless.
She thinks it's sooooo hilarious how as she was getting ready, the jumper she was planning to wear from her 'pregancy bin' snapped a strap, because she's fatter than she was last time, and in denial about it. So she had to wear this inappropriate sundress instead.
Nancy said she'll see it back together for her lol. Just let it rest in peace, it gave it's life for her tyranny.
She claims it was a godsend moment, because this torrid tarp perfectly matched what the guest of honor was wearing, so she could make this look like it was all about her!!! I'm sure the mother to be was happy about that
She said it was a magical moment when they realized they matched, but the expression she mimicks here makes me think it was devastating for the friend lol.
"We were like 'oh my God we match!'"
She says this friend is long distance, so she hasn't seen her with her bump and it was very emotional. I hope no one asked Alex about her beer belly baby lol.
She half assedly compliments her friend, then immediately goes into how tired she is, talking through a fucking yawn.
She admits she knows this vlog is shorter and empty, but she thinks she deserves the break because her last few vlogs she deems long enough for you schlubs. She loves you bye bye fuck off.
incoming reeeecap!
