OPTAVIA UNBOXING!!! 2/3/19

[Blathersnake]

She should be doing research on some shampoo cause it looks like she poured baby oil on her head.

I kept focusing on that one piece in the back standing straight up. How long do you have to go without washing your hair for it to do that? Also does she not own a hairbrush?

How can she possibly twist logic in her head in such a way as to think that Optavia's online nutritionist (singular) can replace going to one in person. Did she quite literally learn nothing this past year?

I... Genuinely have no words.

No, it's quite obvious she does not have the capacity to learn anything when it comes to weight loss. Which is how we get to year, what? five of her weight loss journey in which we've only seen her gain weight.

If she really wanted to lose weight, I think she would be able too. We can conclude that she doesn't, or just wants a quick fix and we know there isn't a quick fix to losing weight.

 

[shitstorm]

This is the first Amber video I honestly thought i couldn’t get through. It just started sounding like word salad at a certain point. Chocolate peanut butter crisp cookie shake penne zesty chicken shake decadent brownie with coconut sugar from the Philipines berry granola golden pancake potatoes. Also she sounds especially stupid lately.

 

[RG 448]

She should really stop titling her videos in all caps. It’s extremely unprofessional.

 

[DubbleBubble]

So I don't think you need to be the prophet Nostradamus to predict the next video, if it isn't just her trying out this crap, will be her saying it just "doesn't work for me" and forgetting all about it.

She's damn near manic in this video, nearly every item she loves it, everything looks and sounds SOOO GOOD. She thinks she's done it, she's finally found the magic pill she always wanted that will let her stuff her face with cookies and cheetos all day long and magically lose weight doing it.

The hard crash into reality when she takes the first bite is gonna bring that down hard. She'll quickly grab another fueling, and then another, and another because maybe one of those damn things tastes like she imagines it right? And then, the binge monster takes hold. She'll crave real food, the salty, fatty, disgusting garbage she fills herself with every day...

Amber... Amber never changes.

 

[Very Honest Content]

Can anyone post the guide to eating out and the program guide she got with this?

(Or at least summarize the contents therein? I'm wondering what it says and how that's going to get distorted by the binge monster to find a way to sabotage the diet for semantic comparison?)

Just what Amber needs, more journals.

People like Amber don't want to lose weight, but they LOVE to make plans about losing weight: buying a new journal, gotta get some new pens and pencils at the same time too, so much fun planning and drawing everything out!

Wise man say: Journey of 1000 miles always is 1000 miles more to go if you never actually begin walking in the direction you're trying to travel.

 

[FitBitch]

Can anyone post the guide to eating out and the program guide she got with this?

(Or at least summarize the contents therein? I'm wondering what it says and how that's going to get distorted by the binge monster to find a way to sabotage the diet for semantic comparison?)



Wise man say: Journey of 1000 miles always is 1000 miles more to go if you never actually begin walking in the direction you're trying to travel.

Journey of 1000 miles turns into 2000 miles or more if you keep stubbornly walking in the wrong direction.

 

[Clintonberg]

when u kick off ur diet with 64 servings of chocolate

 

[smallmilk]

She's gonna eat everything in a binge

 

[Concerned Vagino-American]

People like Amber don't want to lose weight, but they LOVE to make plans about losing weight

One of the most entertaining aspects about Amber is her sad attempts to justify one failure after another because a narcissist can never admit they're wrong.

This video will not age well.

Nor will Big Amb's knees and ankles.

 

[AbraCadaver]

I'm pretty sure this is how people get and stay grotesquely obese in the first place, grazing on novelty junk foods, and being hooked on processed foods that have more packaging than clamshelled electronics.

Her “sweet tooth and savory tooth” just translates to “I LOVE SUGAR AND SALT AND FAT.” You don’t learn to eat better by noshing on candy bar-sounding rubbish. You learn to acquire a taste for healthier foods.

Or maybe you just eat choccy biscuits for every meal and that solves all your problems forever, what the hell do I know.

 

[Owlflaps]

I wonder if Amby’s gonna get the runs from eating this unappetizing looking garbage. Knowing her, she’ll count that shit (or lack there of) as weight loss.

 

[Dutch Courage]

She's going to find some of those bars taste better than others, so she'll eat all the tasty ones first, leaving her with only the most tasteless stuff for the long haul.

I also see in my crystal ball Amberlynn finishing off her daily allotted Feelings within 3 hours of waking up. She'll rationalize it at first by saying "I'm allowed 5 of these a day, so even though I just ate five bars in one sitting, I am fine as long as I don't eat more..." A few hours later, she'll be wanting some real food, and all that will be left are raisin and oat bars. This is how she will unravel.

As for not having to shop anymore, she is forgetting something crucial. Optavia does not provide her main meal of the day. She is still going to have to cook that herself, and she is an avowed hater of cooking. One awful meal can easily overwhelm whatever benefits Optavia has, and from there it is just a short car ride to the buffet.

 

[AbraCadaver]

She's going to find some of those bars taste better than others, so she'll eat all the tasty ones first, leaving her with only the most tasteless stuff for the long haul.

I also see in my crystal ball Amberlynn finishing off her daily allotted Feelings within 3 hours of waking up. She'll rationalize it at first by saying "I'm allowed 5 of these a day, so even though I just ate five bars in one sitting, I am fine as long as I don't eat more..." A few hours later, she'll be wanting some real food, and all that will be left are raisin and oat bars. This is how she will unravel.

As for not having to shop anymore, she is forgetting something crucial. Optavia does not provide her main meal of the day. She is still going to have to cook that herself, and she is an avowed hater of cooking. One awful meal can easily overwhelm whatever benefits Optavia has, and from there it is just a short car ride to the buffet.

The very first time she looks between that slop-bucket “soup” she makes and a leftover pile of her least favourite optavia bars and is forced to choose between two things she doesn’t really want, she’s going to scream at Becky to go get her some fast food.

 

[FitBitch]

The very first time she looks between that slop-bucket “soup” she makes and a leftover pile of her least favourite optavia bars and is forced to choose between two things she doesn’t really want, she’s going to scream at Becky to go get her some fast food.

But she doesn't even LIKE fast food.

 

[vaporwave baphomet]

Okay, I have to admit I literally joined this forum for the Amber snark. Thank you all btw.
First, I have to shamefully admit I did Medifast three years ago after being diagnosed with type II diabetes at 219 lbs and I stuck with it for 3 months. This was prior to the rebrand to optavia. But since then I have tried the optavia samples and they are full of stevia and taste....off. The medifast was bad enough but I lost 40lbs and got off the meds that I had been prescribed and thankfully I have never been back to that dark chapter of my former ham planet life.
Second, I agree with everyone here who pointed out her first emphaticly joyful revelation of the eating out guide because we know that is basically the bible according to AL.
Her is what she will experience the first few days. She will realize that one serving of "fuelings" is about 1/2 a cup of food, so she will have to retire her 2 quart baking dishes that she uses as bowls. This will make her cry into pillow mountain.
Second, she will go through keto flu. Day three and four are going to be hell because she has never been in true ketosis and this near starvation diet is going to put her into ketosis and the headache is going to be real.
Three, she will binge from the headache and the diet will be over because AL has zero follow through or will power. The end.

Welcome to the farms! Since my comment isn't really relevant to Amber, I'll hide it under a spoiler.

Spoiler: Useful info for newfags

I'd recommend checking out this thread:
https://kiwifarms.net/threads/important-if-you-are-coming-here-from-tumblr-read-this-thread.8329/

It's geared towards kiwis coming here from Tumblr, but it's still pretty useful. I'd like to emphasize the "hiding your powerlevel" bit. Kiwis aren't the only people who read this forum, and many lolcows are fucking crazy, and would use personal info for their convoluted revenge. It's ok to share personal anecdotes and some minor details about your personal life, just try not to get too specific or say anything that could id you.

Stay safe, and have fun on the farms!

Edit: found a few more useful threads:

https://kiwifarms.net/threads/stop-revealing-your-powerlevel.9697/

https://kiwifarms.net/threads/new-r...s-against-the-rules-it-will-be-deleted.50919/

 

[antifan]

"It's just so awesome to be able to get huge books just to learn...ya know...better habits in your life."

The library exists.

 

[Very Honest Content]

Journey of 1000 miles turns into 2000 miles or more if you keep stubbornly walking in the wrong direction.

Do the deathfat scooters go 1000 miles on a single battery charge though? Maybe if you drive it in reverse the entire time?

 

[Whatthefuck]

"It's just so awesome to be able to get huge books just to learn...ya know...better habits in your life."

The library exists.

Gorl, it's 'libarry', duh.

 

[fat]

Attached is the Optavia dining out guide. I skimmed it and it isn't incredibly interesting and mostly gives tips that anybody with half a brain would already know such as "eat lean, grilled meat" and "avoid fried foods" - aka plenty of wiggle room for Amber to play with. It also has suggestions of what to get on the menu of specific restaurants, including some of her favorites.

Making her own meal once per day will quickly change to "going out, but sticking with my eating out guide!" which will pretty easily morph into orange chicken and McDonald's.

 

[Dutch Courage]

Attached is the Optavia dining out guide. I skimmed it and it isn't incredibly interesting and mostly gives tips that anybody with half a brain would already know such as "eat lean, grilled meat" and "avoid fried foods" - aka plenty of wiggle room for Amber to play with.

Making her own meal once per day will quickly change to "going out, but sticking with my eating out guide!" which will pretty easily morph into orange chicken and McDonald's.

I am amused by the skinny, attractive, active people in the photos. Something tells me they are not representative of who actually buys their stuff. Why no Amberlynns, cowering in their cluttered beds?

The allowable menu is pretty funny too. I randomly opened the page for Crackerbarrel. I can definitely imagine Amberlynn waddling in and telling the waitress "I'll have the bowl of turnip greens, please..." I also notice that a lot of entries say "half portion only"...what's Amberlynn gonna do with the other half?

The more I see the goods, the cheesier the program looks. You cook your own main meal, or you get half a portion at a restaurant; that is most of the diet. Plus a bunch of candy bars and shakes. There's too much onus on Amerlynn making choices; she was so busy telling us how eager she was to eat the goodies in her bag that she never even touched upon her responsibilities, which make up something like 70% of the diet...