How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Still haven't found a job in my area. No interviews yet. Money is running out and I feel like shit.
On a positive light: I have new certificates and I am learning a new language. So I have something to look forward to.
 
Reassessing what direction I want to go professionally. I told my prospective employer back in August that the only thing I'm not willing to sacrifice for the career is my health, and it's starting to look like the reality of the job will demand that. I could do it for a year, make good money, pad out my resume, and be in a much better place in a year... or I could probably make the same amount in two years elsewhere without having to upend my life and neglect things I'd rather not. It just doesn't seem worth it if it's not sustainable.

There's also the possibility that I'm being a doomer and it'll all be manageable. It's just a matter of whether I want to make that gamble I guess. It's weird, when people ask if you'd hypothetically give up a year of your life for something, you typically imagine that year getting chopped off the end of your lifespan; you don't usually think of the year you're sacrificing as this one.

I'm fortunate that either way, my current short-term course of action is beneficial, so I have some time to decide. But I've got a lot of thinking to do.
 
I think for once I won't spoiler it. Because I need to force myself to see it as much as anything.

I just have been realizing how bad I screwed it all up. I wish I hadn't let it come to this point but costing my best friend and person I care on most finally made me realize how awful I let everything become. I have to learn to like myself and tell myself I am worthwhile and I deserve happiness. It's the first time in my life I'm going to have to do that. But it's not just words. I finally had my ass kicked losing my best friend to apply even to shitty but full-time wagie, min-wage stuff to push up from my current part-time familial cleaning gig. I've been applying to warehouse and physical work yesterday and going back to trying for auditing security jobs tonight. And I need to make hours to go to the shelter to focus on the cats there both to make me feel good but be useful to them, and I need to buy a gym membership if it means meeting people even if I am 100% disciplined on my own to exercise like I have since youth. And the VA eligibility supplies came in today... even if the VA is famously shit, I need the free services they provide, especially for mental health, so I can begin fixing myself permanently.

I wish to God she could see she finally gave me the reality check I needed and I wish to God she could come back someday, but the worst part is then I fall into the trap of doing it for her than for me if I think that way, so I can't even tell myself that. And I need to do it entirely for myself even if she does or doesn't comes back. I don't want to be like this anymore. And words, words, words. That's what was told to me. Because I need to show to myself since she's not around anymore I can actually improve. And I need to improve so I'm never like this ever again. I need to fix my head for good.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve better than what I made and gave myself. Even if no one will ever see it but me.
 
Not good but at least I'm drowning in pussy.

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I cannot feel my legs.
 
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I feel like a hunk of laffy-taffy being pulled here and there. From California to Mongolia. Being cut up and having pieces scattered to the wind. Meanwhile new pieces and flavors are added, to the point where I have grown unrecognizable to myself, the people around me, and even my own makers.
 
Betonhaus dijo:
I'm slowly realizing that my bedroom workspace only barely meets the needs of their "clean desk" policy with webcam always on and computer never turned off
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Maybe I'm stating the obvious, but go to Ikea or Target or something and buy a folding screen. This https://www.wayfair.com/World-Menag...tcfQ-HCBxLqHcx22n69U5eJgLGrMsBvhoC3oIQAvD_BwE is a nice kind of expensive one, but something like this would look great right behind your chair. Until you can get something like it, a clothesline and clean sheet will do. You need a job, right? Improvise and don't stress over it.
 
Losing my mind professionally, and applying for real moonshot-goal jobs despite being very retarded/underqualified. Pumping out letters of interest/CVs like I have a humiliation fetish. Dreading to check my formal email every day waiting for the dump of rejection emails. Doing it all over again after a few days. Got fuck all to lose.
 
gorgoroth7134 dijo:
Can you get your masters paid for by a parent or a program??
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Thankfully yes, my parents still have a large amount left in my college fund, they always intended for me to do some kind of postgrad degree.

Reversal dijo:
I'm disillusioned with my current occupation.
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Me too actually. I still enjoy it sometimes if I'm doing it as a hobby, but the corporate work is soul-sucking and painful. I don't want to do it anymore, but short of starting some kind of business I don't know what else I would do. Even if I go back to school I'll be going right back into this a few years later.

retard strength II dijo:
Losing my mind professionally, and applying for real moonshot-goal jobs despite being very retarded/underqualified. Pumping out letters of interest/CVs like I have a humiliation fetish. Dreading to check my formal email every day waiting for the dump of rejection emails. Doing it all over again after a few days. Got fuck all to lose.
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Same. All I get are rejections. The qualifications these days are ridiculous. I feel like so many of these job postings are just fake for various reasons.

Foxymophandlemama dijo:
Still haven't found a job in my area. No interviews yet. Money is running out and I feel like shit.
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I hope you find something. Things are just really rough these days.
 
Harbinger of Kali Yuga dijo:
Anyone have any fancy insomnia remedies?
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Outside of jacking off, there's this sleep technique the navy uses.
1. Get into a comfortable position.
Obviously, if you're in your bed, this is a non-issue. But if you're out and about, get into the most comfortable position that's feasible (i.e., lean your seat back if you're in your car; find the most comfortable chair in the conference room if you're napping at work).

2. Relax your face.
This is key to the whole thing. You have 43 muscles in your face, and they're a big part of how your body knows whether you're stressed. When you fully relax your face, you send a physiological signal to your body that all is well. It's safe to sleep.

So close your eyes and relax your whole face: forehead, cheeks, tongue, and jaw. Let it all go slack. You'll notice as you do this that your breathing naturally starts to deepen and slow.

Now make sure your eyes are fully relaxed. You have six muscles in your eye sockets; feel them all go limp.

3. Drop your shoulders.
Let them get heavy, and then let them go completely, as if they were falling down toward your feet. Let the back of your neck relax and go limp. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly, releasing any remaining tension there (most people store most tension in their shoulders, necks, and jaws).

Now your arms: Feel them get heavy and relax, starting with your dominant side. If you're right-handed, start with your right bicep and feel it relax. If it's not, tense it fully and then let it go slack. Repeat the process with your hands.

4. Let your legs go limp.
Feel your right quad sinking down, getting heavier and heavier. Next your right calf, ankle, and foot. Repeat on the other side.

5. Clear your mind for 10 seconds.
Now that you've fully relaxed your body, all it takes to fall into a deep sleep is to turn your brain off. (This is like that moment after you switch your iPhone off when it takes another few seconds for it to fully power down.)

What you really want to avoid are any thoughts that involve movement ("I've got to pick up that drycleaning tomorrow"; "Did I remember to put out the recycling?"). These thoughts actually prompt involuntary movement in your body. You don't realize it, but just thinking about something causes micro-contractions in certain muscles.
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I already jerked off, drank tea, I forgot why I felt stressed but then I remembered, I had major work done on my brakes and now I'm having braking issues, I think I'm leaking brake fluid. Mechanic must have fucked up. If they try to screw me over by god I will show them the most autistic, sleep-deprived rage I can. Cars are one of the few things I'm ignorant about, I generally like to do everything myself because I don't trust anyone to do a good job. Nobody ever does a goddamn good job on anything anymore. It's always this kind of bullshit.
 
Harbinger of Kali Yuga dijo:
I already jerked off, drank tea, I forgot why I felt stressed but then I remembered, I had major work done on my brakes and now I'm having braking issues, I think I'm leaking brake fluid. Mechanic must have fucked up. If they try to screw me over by god I will show them the most autistic, sleep-deprived rage I can. Cars are one of the few things I'm ignorant about, I generally like to do everything myself because I don't trust anyone to do a good job. Nobody ever does a goddamn good job on anything anymore. It's always this kind of bullshit.
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Honestly? Work on the rumination, for one. Thoughts that spin and spiral (a handy example being the paragraph I am replying to) will take you to bad places in almost all ways. Learning to block off thoughts and think of nothing (without alcohol, meds, numbing activity) is a developable skill

And otherwise, building a ritual/routine of bedtime activity (Pavlov yourself) can be helpful. I also listen to a certain "deep sleep meditation" series, whether I think I might have trouble sleeping or not (I rarely have trouble bc I average 4-5 hours a night and so am tired by the time I get there), and even if I'm keyed up at first, the combo of the 30-second breathing exercise commitment and the overall association of the guy's voice with sleep usually has me out within 5 minutes, once I finally turn it on.
 
I think I've made a mistake at work of messaging "hello" to someone in the same group as me.

He's basically used it as an invitation to use my message as a q&a centre. I don't mind helping people but lately he's been messaging me while I'm actively doing my own work and expecting me to reply. He says "thank you"... sometimes and doesn't seem all that grateful.
 
I'm loving this spring. I think I've said it before, but right now I'm feeling so back now. I'm finding my body genuinely getting warmed up at work, and its getting easier to sleep and I'm budgeting correctly. I've even got my cooking skills back. Once my tax stuff is sorted, life is only going to get easier.
 
I hate that I’m forced to use public transport.
Disclaimer: my eyesight is shitty, so I’m not allowed to drive.
There I am, on the bus. It’s busy, so I’m sat at the back on the top deck. It breaks a bit hard at a junction and a foil takeaway tray slides off the shelf behind and onto the seat right next to me.

Its. Full. Of. Vomit.

Some got on my bag, Thank fuck I still carry a bottle of coof era hand sanitiser.
This definitely scores in the top five of my worst bus experiences, probably #2 after the jogger who for some reason was looking for reasons to assault me a while back.
I should just fucking walk, at least it’s excercise.
*sigh*
 
Friend of Dorothy Parker dijo:
Honestly? Work on the rumination, for one. Thoughts that spin and spiral (a handy example being the paragraph I am replying to) will take you to bad places in almost all ways. Learning to block off thoughts and think of nothing (without alcohol, meds, numbing activity) is a developable skill

And otherwise, building a ritual/routine of bedtime activity (Pavlov yourself) can be helpful. I also listen to a certain "deep sleep meditation" series, whether I think I might have trouble sleeping or not (I rarely have trouble bc I average 4-5 hours a night and so am tired by the time I get there), and even if I'm keyed up at first, the combo of the 30-second breathing exercise commitment and the overall association of the guy's voice with sleep usually has me out within 5 minutes, once I finally turn it on.
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Well, last year another mechanic made me shell out $3000 on an old car because they only found half of it the first time. This is the SAME fucking shit. I'm so utterly fuming IRL. I did not go off on them because I still need my goddamn car fixed but now it's another $580 on top of the $570 I gave them last week to fix my goddamn fucking brakes. Had I known I'd need over $1000, I"d buy a new car, but these mechanic wouldn't make money fixing old lemons so they fucking LIE LIE LIE and wait for you to come in later for the second half of repairs. It's INTENTIONAL. I may not be a goddamn car guy (my Achilles' heel) but I am a computer guy and I am not stupid, this was not properly diagnosed all the way, and my brakes were probably fucked because the master cylinder was leaking brake fluid causing my brakes to deteriorate. They changed pads, rotors, etc but didn't look further up the chain for systemic issues. I know exactly what went down. It's always this half assed shit.

I don't get angry on the forums. I shitpost and flame but honestly there's not a forum poster I hate. What makes me angry is people taking money out of my pocket or incompetence. After the site-wide sperging yesterday I can't understand why faggots get so worked up over online shit when real life is so much more infuriating.

These fucking faggots made me wait in their goddamn lobby for over 2 hours, before 10am past 12:30 just to tell me they needed to order a part. No fucking autist wasted my time like that unless I was equally a sperg and let them.

I'm a real sperg about being ripped off. Grifters in general. The cows I follow on here all tend to be grifters. Ripping people off in general.

Guess what I'm drinking?

If you guessed Fireball, you're correct!

Let me PL a little bit... sometimes I help little old ladies with computer issues and tasks for spare cash. Sometimes I think they just hire me because they think I'm hot. I don't really even do it for the cash, I have spare time and they're kind and respectful to me, and that's a currency I really appreciate. If -I- fuck up, waste someone's time, hell, if they ask me to come over and the issue is laughably simple, I do it for free. I fucking hate the way most people do business. Fuck, I don't even name a price, I tell the old people to just tip me what they think I'm worth, and sometimes I tell them they give me too much if the task is too simple. NOBODY can do a fucking good job anymore. I have every right to lose sleep over this shit, I have no fucking recourse other than to learn how to build a goddamn car myself to know it's been done right.
 
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Harbinger of Kali Yuga dijo:
Anyone have any fancy insomnia remedies?
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Sleep, don’t drink soda before bed.

(I usually exercise if I’m in an insomnia moment, I either lift weights or go for a walk. It can really get bad and if I don’t do an hour of either day of those I will be up for hours.)
White Trash Motorsport dijo:
I should just fucking walk, at least it’s excercise.
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I feel you man, I almost ended a family last bus ride I had because a little kid kept bumping into me, getting up and just waltzing around the bus. The would of been one less family on welfare. I actually would kill someone I just hate non patenting/parenting
Harbinger of Kali Yuga dijo:
If you guessed Fireball, you're correct!
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Fireballs a good drink. It’s a lot like cayenne pepper it can warm you up in the winter.
 
I am convinced my dog is trying to attract cats to my house. Saw a new cat run across the porch yesterday. I think the first cat she allowed in her territory told every other cat this house is now cat friendly. I love cats, but not to the point where I want my dog collecting them.

Last dog was like this with bunnies. Why do I keep getting dogs that want to take random prey animals and rival species under their wing?
 
I had to abandon another site that I thought was the KF equivalent for my country, but its userbase turned into a bunch of demoralized doomerfaggots that get angry if you keep rejecting their own attempts at demoralizing you. All they do is crying and shitting themselves instead of planning how to protect themselves from the niggermutts/venecos that keep acting like they own the place and deserve to be treated like kings. Fuck them all.
 
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