Why do my cookies come out flat and gay?

[SandyCat]

The chocolate chip cookies I make keep coming out flat but then I'll make another batch, same recipie and they're not flat. What variable am I fucking up? It even happens when I use the same ingredients for multiple batches, as in the same box of baking soda and same brand of butter same bag of flour same temperature same cookie sheet etc.

Personally I don't give a shit but I live with a cookie autist that demands nonflat cookies so I have to figure this out

Help am retarded

 

[dick brain]

They take after you.

 

[Just A Fat Round Bird]

Maybe your dough was too cold, in case you cool it before baking?

I mean Im not a great baking expert myself, but having a short read this article over yonder might give you ideas where to start looking for errors.
Im impressed that you haven't resorted to just stealing some yet

 

[Dr. Eldon Tyrell]

Do you use hot air? Don't. Using hot air makes for wildly different temperature zones in the oven. But if batches themselves are homogeneous, that's not the issue.
Was the dough the same temperature before?
Do you preheat the oven properly?
You didn't mention how long you let the dough sit to rise a little, do you do that? I knew a friend who just put the dough into the oven straight away and asked the same you did.

 

[YellowIsACoolColor]

You need to add more corn syrup

 

[MadDisaster]

The big cause is usually that things are too hot - oven, cookie sheet, dough. Try chilling your dough first if you aren't already, and possibly nudge your oven temperature down a little if you're making multiple batches.

 

[MadStan]

You actually posted a thread on making cookies. Rather than find the THOUSANDS of on-line sources that were already there for crappy cooks to read. If we actually give you shitty advice, will you actually do it and post a pic of what happens? If so, I've got some ideas for you.

 

[Caesar]

Stop modeling them off your mother's chest

 

[SandyCat]

You actually posted a thread on making cookies. Rather than find the THOUSANDS of on-line sources that were already there for crappy cooks to read. If we actually give you shitty advice, will you actually do it and post a pic of what happens? If so, I've got some ideas for you.

I like asking Q&A because the results are usually funnier mixed in with a occasional actual response. I also don't like reading through 600 paragraphs of filler

Do you use hot air? Don't. Using hot air makes for wildly different temperature zones in the oven. But if batches themselves are homogeneous, that's not the issue.
Was the dough the same temperature before?
Do you preheat the oven properly?
You didn't mention how long you let the dough sit to rise a little, do you do that? I knew a friend who just put the dough into the oven straight away and asked the same you did.

Same temperature, oven preheated, didnt know you're supposed to let it rise thats a new one

 

[Albino Sasquatch]

Because your cake is thicc and straight.

 

[Party Hat Wurmple]

Quick, put my cum in your cookie batter so it doesn't turn gay.

 

[Dr. Eldon Tyrell]

I like asking Q&A because the results are usually funnier mixed in with a occasional actual response. I also don't like reading through 600 paragraphs of filler

Same temperature, oven preheated, didnt know you're supposed to let it rise thats a new one

solved. but also:

The big cause is usually that things are too hot - oven, cookie sheet, dough. Try chilling your dough first if you aren't already, and possibly nudge your oven temperature down a little if you're making multiple batches.

Not saying chilling the dough is wrong or something - never did it tho. let it sit around an hour. maybe in the fridge if it's really hot where you live.

 

[MadStan]

I like asking Q&A because the results are usually funnier mixed in with a occasional actual response. I also don't like reading through 600 paragraphs of filler

Same temperature, oven preheated, didnt know you're supposed to let it rise thats a new one

Very well. Start by adding 1/2 tsp of baking powder to the all-purpose mix and increase by 1/2 tsp until you get it right. Refrigerate the batter for 20 mins prior to spreading.

 

[SandyCat]

Very well. Start by adding 1/2 tsp of baking powder to the all-purpose mix and increase by 1/2 tsp until you get it right. Refrigerate the batter for 20 mins prior to spreading.

Thanks Uncle Ruckus

 

[DankSmoker]

Maybe you're forming them wrong. Anytime I make cookies I use one of those smaller ice cream scoops with the trigger release because I'm a lazy bastard.