Cancel culture just happens to be affecting the very worst people.
Someone besides Ellen DeGeneres was always bound to take the fall for Ellen DeGeneres. This week, that someone came in the form of three producers on her show, who were all fired by WarnerMedia after the studio conducted an in-house investigation into a Buzzfeed report that laid out, in meticulous detail, just how miserable it is to work there. Beyond that report, it became a wide-open secret that DeGeneres herself is an awful person. Hard to believe the friend of a war criminal would turn out to be a sour lady behind the curtain, but it’s true. Thankfully, our finest citizens quickly came rushing to Ellen’s defense:
We’re at the point now where “cancel culture” has joined “woke,” “SJW,” and “snowflake” as go-to derogatory terms for prominent fascism signalers. Ooooh, be careful of that cancel culture mob! THEY’RE RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE, COMIN’ TO GITCHA! Bill Maher’s entire show, which airs on HBO and which he is paid $10 million a year to host, now consists of him bitching that he and his worst friends aren’t allowed to speak their minds anymore because they got ratioed on Twitter. DeGeneres defended herself by noting that she is a land of contrasts. If you listen to all the hand wringing about cancel culture coming from the right, you’ll end up believing that anyone can be taken down at any time. (Trump voice) WITCH HUNT!
This is untrue. In fact, cancel culture’s batting average is INSANELY high. And I’m talking about people who really DID get canceled. Maher and DeGeneres have suffered no personal consequences for their bulls--t, apart from the inconvenience of having to shed a few crocodile tears. Those that really have had their careers and lives affected by cancel culture have deserved it. I do believe the list of names speaks for itself. Join me for an incomplete roundup, won’t you?
• Harvey Weinstein. Convicted rapist. RIGHT TO BE CANCELED.
• Bill Cosby. Convicted rapist. RIGHT TO BE CANCELED.
• Matt Lauer. Also a rapist. RIGHT TO BE CANCELED.
• Brian Singer. Child rapist. RIGHT TO BE CANCELED.
• Ryan Adams. Used his status in the industry to coerce women into sex, including possibly minors. Makes way too much music and steals a lot of it. RIGHT TO BE CANCELED.
• Louis CK. Took his dick out in front of women who didn’t ask him to. Intimidated them into keeping quiet about it. RIGHT TO BE CANCELED.
• Nick Cannon. Went there about The Jews. Atoned for it by reading a book by f--king Bari Weiss. RIGHT TO BE CANCELED.
• Kevin Spacey. Accused by actor Anthony Rapp of raping Rapp when Rapp was just 14 years old. Accused by DOZENS of others. RIGHT TO BE CANCELED.
• Jeffrey Ross. Raped a 15-year-old. TELL YOU WHAT THIS GUY SHOULD BE MORE CANCELED THAN "ACCORDING TO JIM!"
• Genghis Khan. Pillaged Asia! RIGHT TO BE IRONICALLY CANCELED.
• Adam Rapaport. Ran a terrible magazine that both stole from and lowballed its minority staffers. THE FLAVORS OF THIS CANCELLATION ARE SO DEAD ON.
• Steph Korey. Away CEO who turned out to be corporate America’s foremost abuser-via-Slack. A WHOLE NEW PARADIGM OF JUSTIFIED CANCELLATION.
• Brandon Taubman. Houston Astros exec who openly taunted female reporters by cheering the signing of a wife beater in front of them. I’M SO F--KING GLAD WE CANCELED TAUBMAN.
• Woody Allen. Such an awful man that you get canceled just for DEFENDING him.
• Alison Roman. The anchovy pasta lady who broke out a little Asianface during an interview to sh— on Marie Kondo. RIGHT TO BE CANCELED.
There are more, but you get the idea. You don’t see Jennifer Lawrence on that list now, do you? The people above were not targeted at random. They were called out because America has receipts. They are all dickheads at best and outright criminals at worst. And I haven’t even included the people who got called out but have still managed to skate by unscathed: Bill Simmons, Kelly Loeffler, that goddamn MAGA hat kid, and of course President Trump himself. Those people have enough money and/or connections to power to make themselves bulletproof, and they relish that fact. Hell, I never even heard of that Thomas Chatterton Williams idiot UNTIL he got canceled. Now he’s everywhere! Getting canceled for throwing a Bari Weiss hater out of his home MADE his career! Hence, the work of the counterculture is only just beginning.
There’s a perverse logic to celebrities decrying this stampede of cancellations. By dint of simply being famous, they’re used to people watching them to see if they f--k up. Now they’re being watched even more closely. You’d be a little on edge, too. And nobody’s perfect. Many people, if not all of them, have done cancellable s--t. I know I have. I know I still might. Sometimes I fire off a saucy tweet and think to myself, “Man, I hope that tweet wasn’t the one.” Gifted TV writer Megan Amram got canceled in June for racist tweets she posted before her career took off, but then apologized with the kind of refreshing candor that should ALWAYS be part of a public apology, and logged off. She took her cancelation in stride and blamed herself for it, not everyone else.
So look at the names above again. These people are not getting canceled for everyday mistakes. These are all people whose insensitivity, if not outright monstrousness, are a matter of routine for them. As with all criminals, their real regret is with being caught. And the reason they’re pissed off at being called out is because they refuse to believe they’re not as vital to society as they think they are. You can count on them doubling down on their bulls--t the second anyone dare threaten their reputation. Maher has a seat waiting for them.
These are people who will only be defended by other unapologetic scum. We don’t need any of them. I don’t give a s--t about any of the canceled people, and neither do you. Is the world a worse place without Matt Lauer on TV every day? No. Is filmmaking worse off now that Harvey Weinstein can’t horse-trade his way into a Best Picture Oscar for “Shakespeare In Love 2: Go On”? Nope. Did anyone need to hear Ryan Adams’ 57th triple album? No, but he made it anyway. Cancellation is the result of people relegated to the fringes by the powerful using those collective voices to give the hook to those same powerbrokers, all of whom have hogged the spotlight far longer than they deserve.
This is a long overdue correction to both pop culture and American culture in general, and it’s hardly over. We need to cancel MORE people and we need to make it stick. Thus far, the Internet has chosen its targets well. If, God forbid, we cancel one person who shouldn’t be canceled, well that’s still one person compared to the massive amount of human collateral damage the rest of The Canceled have left in their wake. And the more the Charles Mansons of the world are like CANCEL CULTURE CAME FOR ME ALL BECAUSE I ORCHESTRATED A MASSACRE, the more their idiot complaints will ring hollow. I demand more cancellations. I demand the heads of Simmons, and Drew Brees, and Marco f--king Rubio. Cancel them all, and cancel them for good.
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