The Onion’s Guide To Critical Race Theory

The Onion’s Guide To Critical Race Theory

A mounting effort by some Republican lawmakers to ban the teaching of critical race theory in U.S. schools has prompted debate about what it is and its place in American education. The Onion answers the most common questions about critical race theory and the debate surrounding its teaching.

www.theonion.com

The Onion’s Guide To Critical Race Theory

archived 9 Jun 2021 16:43:13 UTC

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A mounting effort by some Republican lawmakers to ban the teaching of critical race theory in U.S. schools has prompted debate about what it is and its place in American education. The Onion answers the most common questions about critical race theory and the debate surrounding its teaching.

Q: What is critical race theory?
A: An academic concept that racism is a social construct embedded into legal systems, government policies, and in-laws.

Q: Should critical race theory be taught in our schools?
A: Not unless we’re aiming for fewer white supremacists.

Q: Won’t teaching it just make other kids hate my white children?
A: Your kids are already insufferable and widely despised.

Q: Why do some people condemn critical race theory?
A: Misplaced sexual frustrations.

Q: Does critical race theory instill the belief that all white people are racist?
A: Academics are way too timid to pull off something like that.

Q: Why are conservatives attacking it so aggressively?
A: They have come to view Joe Biden as too nonthreatening of a target.

Q: Is it true that critical race theory opposes empiricism and embraces science as a causal mechanism?
A: You’re thinking of critical realism theory, moron.

Q: Will incorporating critical race theory into education curriculums lead to a less racist society?
A: Probably not, but might as well mix it up a bit in history class.

 

[Agent of Z.O.G.]

Wonder if the NYT will be successful in labeling the Bee a dishonest news site.

I'm pretty sure that already happened.

 

[UselessIdiot]

It's just the classic leftist line-of-thinking, "anyone who opposes any of our thinking and ideology -- for any reason at all -- is a hateful bigot".

The Onion is trying to be funny about it, but it ends up just being cringe -- like any leftist "humor". Yeah, we're already well aware that you think anyone opposed to CRT is a white supremacist, even if they're not white themselves.

 

[Archie_Kimkicker]

There's already been ink spilled about how "comedy doesn't have to be funny" in a sufficiently woke landscape.

 

[Strange Wilderness]

You know if I was going to satirize CRT and the debate around it I'd write an article about how some rich white commentator on Fox News called CRT a load of horseshit and white genocide in action and how another rich white commentator on CNN called said Fox News commentator racist while introducing their guest who spends the whole interview plugging their book. At the very end of the article would be a small aside that black unemployment has quadrupled over the last ten years since CRT became a thing.

Make fun of how this is an issue rich TV commentators care about and how it does nothing to actually help people in need.

 

[Spicey McHaggis]

The onion was at it's finest when it just made random nonsensical articles about day to day bs. Now it seems all they do is "snarky" political "comedy" that just seems like a bunch of tryhard garbage. I was trying to think of the last time I really laughed at anything from the onion, and realized it's literally been over ten years, hell maybe longer. Now it's all shit like this.

 

[Sustainable War]

Much like Cracked or JibJab, The Onion is a washed-up relic from the Bush era that needs to learn when to quit

It wasn't always this way.

From the Onion movie. The end part where they're in the courtroom with the ONN coverage is cut out for aome reason. I've been waiting for the whole movie to get memoryholed off platforms.

 

[UselessIdiot]

The onion was at it's finest when it just made random nonsensical articles about day to day bs. Now it seems all they do is "snarky" political "comedy" that just seems like a bunch of tryhard garbage. I was trying to think of the last time I really laughed at anything from the onion, and realized it's literally been over ten years, hell maybe longer. Now it's all shit like this.

Yeah, I remember funny articles from them in the past like "Paula Dean Hosts 0.05 k Race" and "Jessica Simpson Has Her Arms and Legs Removed to Lose 25 Pounds". They were humorous in a stupid, lighthearted way. Anything political coming from them just ends up being cringey and sanctimonious.

That's why leftist humor fails, because it just comes across as sanctimonious/holier-than-thou and that it serves to be lecturing and a way of talking down to people, rather than attempting to be genuinely creative and comedic.

 

[murdered meat bag]

Imagine living in a world where a christian site has monopoly on satire.

Bitcoin! Crypto! Doge to the moon! What the heck does all this stuff mean anyway? Some of us are libertarians, so we have to pretend to know all about cryptocurrency. But we decided it was finally time to actually research crypto and find out what it is -- and we're here to share that knowledge with you, dear reader!

When did cryptocurrency get its start?

A bunch of libertarians were sitting around shooting beer cans after a Ron Paul rally in 2008 and one of them was like, "Dude. Money - but like - no Federal Reserve, bro. Whooooa." And all his buddies were like "whoooooooa" and they decided to invent decentralized money.

But what IS cryptocurrency?

Cryptocurrency is a completely virtual currency that exists only online. You never have to worry about using your wallet because there's no physical money to keep track of. All you have to do is remember one simple 38-character hexadecimal password, answer the bridgekeeper's five three questions, and go on a quest across the galaxy to retrieve all six Infinity Stones to access your account. Easy! There's also stuff about mining and blockchains and stuff but honestly, we still don't understand it.

Are there different types of cryptocurrency?

Yes. Currencies like Bitcoin and Dogecoin are probably the most popular, but there are hundreds of different types! Some lesser-known varieties include the following:

• BLMcoin
• EpsteinDidntKillHimselfCoin
• RonPaulCoin
• ChuckECheeseCoin
• Larrycoin -- a coin exclusively for people named Larry.

What is cryptocurrency used for?

Cryptocurrency can be used for many things, such as paying off Russian hackers who are holding your mainframe hostage with ransomware. It's also a great conversation starter -- you can easily pick up women by launching into a 90-minute lecture on how crypto works.

Is cryptocurrency a stable investment?

It's a great investment for people looking for something a little less risky than shaky fake money like the U.S. dollar.

Why are libertarians so obsessed with cryptocurrency?

Because the government hasn't figured out how to reliably track and tax it yet. Plus, the women thing.

I've heard that cryptocurrency is used to support a lot of nefarious things like illegal drugs and arms trafficking. How can you support something like that in good conscience?

Yeah, that's a good point. Better stick to the U.S. dollar which is never used in any criminal activity.

I bought a Bitcoin for $67,000 last week. What's my investment worth today?

Around $37.50. Wait - nope -- it's worth $1,256,292.52! You're rich! Nope -- It's worth $1.24 now. You shoulda sold!

I've invented my own cryptocurrency called Sprinklecoin, which is named after my Mexican hairless cat Sprinkles. What does this mean for me?

Congratulations, you're a billionaire! Try not to spend it all in one place.

A billionaire? Really? That's amazing!

Sorry, while you were typing Elon Musk tweeted that he didn't like Sprinklecoin, and now it's worth nothing! Better luck next time!

the bee hasnt been all that christian for a while now.

the onion has some funny moments but this is boring.

 

[theshitposter]

It wasn't always this way.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=97qYPfszUasFrom the Onion movie. The end part where they're in the courtroom with the ONN coverage is cut out for aome reason. I've been waiting for the whole movie to get memoryholed off platforms.

That guy was the mass shooter in Uwe Boll's 'Rampage'.

The Onion was still pretty good till 12-13 when they used to make news sketches on youtube

 

[Screw Danlon]

Q: Won’t teaching it just make other kids hate my white children?
A: Your kids are already insufferable and widely despised.

CRT isn’t anti-white because everyone we’d teach it to already hates white people. Checkmate, atheists!

 

[Screamer]

It's just the classic leftist line-of-thinking, "anyone who opposes any of our thinking and ideology -- for any reason at all -- is a hateful bigot".

What amazes me is how things just need to be branded on their side for people to blindly accept it must be correct.

People who didn't know what CRT was, suddenly supported it as soon as it got mainstream attention. When people say, "Trump is dumb banning racial sensitivity training." Where I have tried to explain what the ban was and what CRT is. If people even let you try and explain, they simply dismiss the most basic explanation as not being CRT. They listen, hear you, know what you're describing is insanity and not correct. So it can't be what CRT is because it is on the correct side.

 

[CarlKingofDucks]

Remember when the onion was funny?

 

[Hollywood Hitler]

I liked the ONN's autistic reporter sketches. Too bad the Onion is too afraid to attempt anything remotely funny now. Don't want to offend the people who wake up offended, that's their target audience.

 

[The Last Stand]

I don't get it.

 

[The Crazy Macer]

What amazes me is how things just need to be branded on their side for people to blindly accept it must be correct.

People who didn't know what CRT was, suddenly supported it as soon as it got mainstream attention. When people say, "Trump is dumb banning racial sensitivity training." Where I have tried to explain what the ban was and what CRT is. If people even let you try and explain, they simply dismiss the most basic explanation as not being CRT. They listen, hear you, know what you're describing is insanity and not correct. So it can't be what CRT is because it is on the correct side.

I actually had (or tried to have) a conversation about CRT with someone just the other day that went exactly like this. These people are literally brainwashed. It's fucking depressing.

 

[Fanatical Pragmatist]

Something doesn't have to be correct to be funny.
Something doesn't have to be funny to be correct.
This is neither correct nor funny.

0/10 not even worth any effort points, Onion.

What amazes me is how things just need to be branded on their side for people to blindly accept it must be correct.

People who didn't know what CRT was, suddenly supported it as soon as it got mainstream attention. When people say, "Trump is dumb banning racial sensitivity training." Where I have tried to explain what the ban was and what CRT is. If people even let you try and explain, they simply dismiss the most basic explanation as not being CRT. They listen, hear you, know what you're describing is insanity and not correct. So it can't be what CRT is because it is on the correct side.

Dude people on KF will say shit like that that.

 

[Trapitalism]

I miss their ONN stuff. Now, it's just shit podcasts.

 

[Screamer]

I actually had (or tried to have) a conversation about CRT with someone just the other day that went exactly like this. These people are literally brainwashed. It's fucking depressing.

The ban Trump did was really clever. It literally just had a list of racist things it was banning. Which covered the racism in CRT. I did once get people to shut up saying I was wrong about CRT by pulling it up.

I wanted to quote it here, literally can't quickly find the executive order from Google. Which I guess isn't surprising. It was very fascinating in the coverage of his ban how they never actually addressed the wording of the ban. Just the narrative, "bans critical race theory." Not that he banned the types of racist teachings that CRT has. Non-specific to CRT.

 

[gaystoner]

I don't see it as comedy. I do see it as a rallying cry for Black Supremacist.