I have only been camping 3 times. This is a brief account of the tragedies which occured
1) cub camp: age 8.
Here I took my first steps from the innocent child to the monster that is judge holden. On the first night I got lost in the woods during an ill-advised game of hide and seek, and apparently emerged screaming and crying about something i cant even remember.
For the next 3 days I learned how to fight for my life the hard way, learned slmost every single swearword, sexual concept, and obscene idea that I know today, suffered tests of pain and determination with stolen lighters, led my colleagues in wholesale thievery ofthe foodtent at midnight, and finally took part in my first sexual assault, making our "tent leader" lick my anus with the aid of my colleagues. Halfway through the week however the river-bank flooded and we were all sent home.
I had left home a boy....but returned home a monster. and yet it was still the best camping trip I ever took
2) Survival camp: age 12.
Here I learned the art of wilderness survival....from some cunt reading from an SAS survival guide whenever he thought we were not looking. 3 nights of tedium with people I hated eating shit scraped from the forest.
3) Family camp in cornwall:
Age 14. Here my parents decided out of pure cruelty to not get a cabin or such to spend our holiday in this year, instead to force us to pitch a tent in the middle of a campsite filled with chavs. The endless guforring and babbling of essex cunts drove me near to madness, the cold made me loathe my parents with a burning rage. the sound ofmy sister trying to molest my mother still has left me deeply scarred...but all of this could not compare to the horror of what was happening to me.....
Every time I masturbated I got a migrane.
I still dont know how it happened...but the 2 disks of porn I took with me to serupticiously enjoy with my ps2 could not be consumed without me blacking out in pure agony.
Wanking was so horrifically painful that only a madman would consider it....but it was the only thing I could do to escape the madness that surrounded me.
and so the small hours were for the next 2 weeks rent with the tearful wimperings of a 14 year old risking brain haemorages just to enjoy his collection of straponlesbians videos.
4) First High school era camp: age 16.
This is when my tastes in booze and women were immature, venal, and utterly idiotic. Thus when my psychopathic girlfriend suggested we join some of our other friends in camping in a nearby forest, I said hellz yeah and took with me the finest tescos vodka i could find.
Much drinking, nickelback (yes...dont ask) and one lost virginity later when my teenage mind was going through seven different kinds of shitting itself, me and my girlfriend were roused by the sound of one of our friends shrieking. Her boyfriend was choking on his own puke and thus we had to summon an ambulence...to a desolate fucking field. And guess who I should run into at the hospital but my own fucking mother whom I had promised that I was going to be staying with friends for studying and that I would not drink a drop
5) Second high-school era camp: age 18.
Almost 10 years to the day of that fateful cup camp I returned to the river by wheich we had camped all those years ago. This was the night I lost my fucking mind, ran into the woods near naked after drinking copious ammounts of vodka.
then something.....bad happened in teh woods. I have no idea what i saw or what i thought I saw but I just remember screaming and running as fast as I could. didnt stop running till i emerged 2 hours later onto the highway, walked up that for 10 minutes till a police car stopped to help. after spending a night in a cell I was able to prove I was of drinking age and let off with a warning to return sheepishly to my friends.
), shooting rifles and waking up at 5AM to shoot pigeons. Also, we carrying boards to go "hydra sliding" with. Also, all the "adult-only activities" 
