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- 30 de Sep, 2019
😵💫 Skitzocow Stephen William Lafleur / henstepl / Thisismyrofl / Elecbullet - Schizophrenic Arsonist Who Hates Soda
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- 6 de Oct, 2020
Especially because I'm currently experimenting with Lamotrigine, I am guilty of poor cognition, many hours of the day. Please do not spot those moments, and subsequent small efforts, and make assumptions about me at my best. It breaks my heart enough that these things end up on my Google search results.
My low-level cognitive activities include HL2DM (I'm one of the most notorious players), and sometimes I'm so feebleminded that I can only watch YouTube speedrunning fails while my face locks up and my lungs default to heavy-breath automation.
I am also working on a computer program. Progress is slow due to cognition. Maybe soon I will have something to show you guys.
And it's surreal to run into you. I must remember that there's enough overlap between these sites that this isn't representative of true internet fame.
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- 8 de Abr, 2021
@henstepl I am very fascinated by how rigorous you are in trying to deduce what is going on from a physiological perspective. I see a lot of this in myself, having spent years on a quest to "hack" my own neurotransmitters and deal with major depression.
I'm genuinely curious as to whether you have experimented with a consistent, vigorous exercise program and what, if any, thoughts that you have about it. There are many studies out there that have documented statistically significant neurological changes with exercise. There is often a distinction drawn between cardio and strength training, with very different effects. Beyond the peer reviewed studies, we all know intuitively that mankind evolved to hunt, run and survive in difficult circumstances.
I know that exercise triggers neuroplasticity ( especially cardio ). Weight training can contribute serotonin. Physical activity has tremendous effects on hormones, etc.
Personally, i believe that many of our modern psychiatric illnesses are symptoms of an underlying mis-match between our biological realities and our contemporary lifestyles. Whether this be from diet, lack of exercise, industrial chemicals or social media......something is genuinely going wrong for us as a species.
Anyways, just wanted to ask. I force myself to exercise. I feel like it keeps the demons at bay. Good luck to you on your quest.
I'm genuinely curious as to whether you have experimented with a consistent, vigorous exercise program and what, if any, thoughts that you have about it. There are many studies out there that have documented statistically significant neurological changes with exercise. There is often a distinction drawn between cardio and strength training, with very different effects. Beyond the peer reviewed studies, we all know intuitively that mankind evolved to hunt, run and survive in difficult circumstances.
I know that exercise triggers neuroplasticity ( especially cardio ). Weight training can contribute serotonin. Physical activity has tremendous effects on hormones, etc.
Personally, i believe that many of our modern psychiatric illnesses are symptoms of an underlying mis-match between our biological realities and our contemporary lifestyles. Whether this be from diet, lack of exercise, industrial chemicals or social media......something is genuinely going wrong for us as a species.
Anyways, just wanted to ask. I force myself to exercise. I feel like it keeps the demons at bay. Good luck to you on your quest.
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- 6 de Oct, 2020
If you and I share a neuro-hacking goal, I'll quickly infodump my offerings to you. Take the Florian Face test for NMDA function - because why not? - and even if NMDA positive look for strongly-biased upperface or lowerface affect (which would mean pluralities of serotonin or dopamine, respectively). I wouldn't expect "strict affect" (the literal inability to move both at once) if you don't have schizophrenia. Also look for "adeptness malvolition" (eagerness to do that which you're inept at) because I'll assert this is a sort of "upper-body affect" indicating acetylcholine plurality over adrenaline.
And let me take a moment to comment how damn useful it is that serine, a mainstay of my treatment, tastes like sugar. Aspartate tastes like soy-sauce-flavored ass not soluble in water; alphaketoglutarate tastes like sour MDMA. There's times you have to talk yourself off of the warmth of the couch to medicate, and the plain ease of serine is important to that. Exercise is not easy. I'm sorry, America.
When I do exercise, and I'm never consistent about it, I do feel the rush of serotonin (and I can actually prove it with soda tests). But any effect on any scale of "depression" is overshadowed by personality changes. Adrenaline/acetylcholine are complicating variables arching over my serotonin ratio, and (A/b) will put me into psychopathy, and (B/b) is an abductive, hysterical fuck prone to obnoxious yawning fatigue.
"Depression" is only fallaciously described as "serotonin high good low bad" and "depression" is not my struggle anyway. Never let me talk you out of the benefits to you, or even to me, but exercise is a lot for me to sign on to.
Chronically Smug
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- 26 de Mayo, 2020
@henstepl Are you taking lamotrogine for a mood stabilizer or as an anticonvulsant? I know it's commonly prescribed for bipolar disorder off label. Slight power level, but I take it for that type of issue and I think what you're talking about with Lamictal is how sedating it can be despite it typically being more likely to cause mania in BP disorder?
It's stupid hard to put me to sleep and that stuff really speeds it up and makes me pretty brain dead when it first kicks in. It also numbs my mouth for a few hours and makes food and drinks a bit off during that. May be similar for you?
Eirher way please be careful with the withdrawal from Lamotrogine. It can be really brutal. Its very underrepresented. Makes me sick similar to hangovers, but worse. Especially after it's built up in your bloodstream.
Speaking of which didn't you mention a similar effect from Lamictal withdrawal compared to hangovers?
It's stupid hard to put me to sleep and that stuff really speeds it up and makes me pretty brain dead when it first kicks in. It also numbs my mouth for a few hours and makes food and drinks a bit off during that. May be similar for you?
Eirher way please be careful with the withdrawal from Lamotrogine. It can be really brutal. Its very underrepresented. Makes me sick similar to hangovers, but worse. Especially after it's built up in your bloodstream.
Speaking of which didn't you mention a similar effect from Lamictal withdrawal compared to hangovers?
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- 6 de Oct, 2020
There are only so many times I can calmly deny a mood disorder. To consent to a mood disorder is to run the risk that one day when I shout and scream that I can't count to four, I'll get locked up - and stopped from shouting and screaming - and without restoring my ability to count to four.
The zero-cognition voids I pass through are not sadness and they are not sleep. They're just times you're lying in bed, catatonic and rapeable, hoping mother won't come and interrogate you, and christ you wish the voids were sleep.
Glutamate is the foundation of the brain and the source of all other rules of cognition. I'm doing my best to generate an understanding of glutamate rules, which are rules-for-rules. And clearly I like to dream up hard-hitting compact theses of upperfaces and lowerfaces, but when it comes to glutamate, I hope to disclaim theses I've previously written in favor of "this is what works, and why it works is just complicated."
Lamotrigine withdrawal makes me NMDA positive. How could I ever describe that benefit?
Upperface, lowerface. Sometimes you can't move both at once. Do you suppose that the moment that occurs is the moment something in the mind cleaves in two? And you really don't want it to cleave in two?
A fruitless awareness from which you can never look away... it is the knowledge that the mind has a top, and a bottom, and a fluttering margin in between...
Let me tell you, you don't want to see the margin.
You don't want to see it.
malt ipecac
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- 9 de Jul, 2020
I feel the part about inconsistency. Now that it's been getting warmer, I've been trying to get out and exercise more often. I'm shooting for consistency, but, you know, it's tough when you have to go out of your way to to do something that's not sedentary. That's one thing to be jealous of farmers for, I guess.
For me, the most immediately-noticeable effect of consistent exercise is that it seems to help regulate my circadian rhythm. That is, I feel more alert when I "should" and more tired when I want to go to sleep. I'm sure there's more to it, but I think about many other benefits as second-order effects of this regulation.
It's shitty to have to balance honesty against fear of institutionalization. Though I know it's not really warranted in my case, I sometimes find myself in that dilemma, too. "If I tell them how depressed I feel, are they going to deem me a danger to myself and put me on a 302?" From afar, I know that's not realistic, but I can't help feeling that way in the moment.
In your case, it seems to me that a mood disorder is much less likely to get you locked up than a thought disorder. Compared to thought disorders, mood disorders are more common and better understood (and because modern medical school might as well have been designed to induce depression, many doctors have first- or second-hand experience). Involuntary psychiatric lockup is sometimes the "I don't know what to do; let me refer you to my manager" of medicine, and I'd think most doctors would feel more like they "know what to do" with a mood disorder. If you're already visiting for schizoid symptoms...why keep mood issues secret?
There's a difference, though, between sadness and emptiness. Sadness is arguably not that bad; lots of people seek out opportunities to feel sad and cry at their TVs. Emptiness -- where you can't even feel that sadness, and if you could it would be preferable -- has got to be worse. Emptiness actually fits better with the clinical definition of depression than "conventional" sadness.
Anyway, that's how it's been for me, at least. Everybody's different. For reasons aforementioned, I still don't feel comfortable speaking bluntly with a professional. But by taking down a wall and being honest with myself, I've managed to better understand what goes on internally. With that understanding, I've been able to steer conversations to treatment that helps (in my case, SSRIs) while remaining within the bounds of what I'm comfortable with. When I go to the doctor, I'm not going to Confession.
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- 6 de Oct, 2020
Hello friend, I have been doing some mulling over the question of Bell's palsy (which you know is the paralysis of the left or the right half of the face).
There is actually a little nuance of the syndrome, which is that a certain grimace manifests in my right cheek and only my right cheek. Yes, there are different grimaces, and they mean different things.
I still firmly believe in the Florian Face test for schizophrenia (specifically, for NMDA hypofunction) and I've put my updated infographic here. And I've attached a video of two sorts of positive results including the cheek result. I could never rule out the possibility that other schizos would manifest in the left cheek, without much meaningful difference. But it'd be funny if every positive result was in the right cheek, wouldn't it?
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- 18 de Ene, 2017
Found a familiar face posting in /fit/...
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- 6 de Oct, 2020
Hey, I'm only schizo if I don't take my sweet, sugary serine.Do I win something for finding you in the wild on /gif/? Very apt of you to post in the /gif/ schizo thread!
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hope you're doing well
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Great to hear from the fans. Keep an eye out, and maybe someday you'll see me on a more reputable forum than that.
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- 6 de Oct, 2020
Everyone practice your catatonia face! I love when my explorations resolve into hard-hitting theses, and I've just had a Eureka moment regarding my catatonia time.
That which proceeds forwards into the upperface may proceed backwards into the Zygomaticus minor muscle. This is why we raise our cheeks when we cringe our human disgust. And...
That which proceeds forwards into the lowerface may proceed backwards into the Zygomaticus major muscle. This is why spergs and little girls constrain their smiles into that muscle. Because their lowerface is THEM, and it's THEM that celebrates YOU.
So, though the Z major is below the Z minor, they're two little paradoxical muscles that sort of defy categorization into upperface/lowerface. And I find catatonia to be characterized by lowerface expression - skipping the lower Z major - proceeding into the upper Z minor. Or, an equally incapacitating reverse - upperface, Z major, no Z minor. And you guessed it - upperface can't drink soda!
I've been thinking about how to modulate histamine to decrease my catatonia time (otherwise I'm rapable and stuck watching cats on YouTube). This abrupt familiarity makes so much goddamn sense of it that I'm about to do a lot better. Bad changes in the brain are squeegeeing something out - while the usual schizophrenic crisis (NMDA hypofunction, Florian Face positive) is to have in serotonin and dopamine two presences that are poorly assimilated, catatonia is to have in one a presence, and in the other, an obliteration.
Hey, it's been a while, but I'm in better cognitive straits now. I've been NMDA positive for about a week without needing serine (and antidepressants prove not to drag me back down.) Let me see if I can do better for you regarding this.
There is sometimes a very distinct decrease in the quality of my vision, not ascribable to optical failures in the eyes. And it follows certain medication rules, and it's always vague enough that I could never say for sure, but it's as if I could simplify the visual field into a "visual plate" with an "observer" - and something comes to exist between the observer and his plate. And what is it?
Einstein's relativity superseded theses of light waves propagating through an ether, like waves on the ocean. And our brain is not relativistic, so, our cognition processes occur in a medium. And when I trace my medium up and down my face, and test for it with soda, it becomes clear that my difficulty is the presence of two media - serotonin and dopamine - and the schizophrenic crisis of NMDA hypofunction is to have an ambiguity between the two. A fluttering margin right across the center of the mind.
I can only suppose that if my brain were no longer encumbered by a visual plate, the cognitious media previously surrounding it would have an easier time integrating with one another.
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- 30 de Sep, 2019
Every time I try to practice my catatonia face I freeze up.
What do you mean when you say serotonin and dopamine are "media?" Not sure if you're describing normal NT function strangely or if you have a different theory of NT function altogether.
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- 15 de Abr, 2021
What the fuck is happening in this thread.
It almost seems like there are alts taking to OP feeding himself.
Have I stared too long into the Abyss?
It almost seems like there are alts taking to OP feeding himself.
Have I stared too long into the Abyss?
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- 24 de Nov, 2020
wow you can really see the schizophrenia in this picture; i wasn't entirely convinced before but the eyes and smile here just scream deranged, you may be onto something after all. i couldn't pull a face that creepy-looking if i tried.
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- 6 de Oct, 2020
It's not Pac-Man and the movies. "Media" is the plural of "medium", and like a roll of film, a medium is what's necessary for the motion of something else, like the ocean to the waves, or the disproven luminiferous to light itself.
There's a Motorola assembly language in my cognitionning brain, and I could never tell you how it works. But more available to me is the macroscopic underpinnings of the media in which this cognition occurs. In sickness and in health - but particularly sickness, when there is impressed on my mind a spatial failure, a clear and fluttering margin every time I am impaired (and NMDA hypofunctional).
Show me the smartest and least impressionable schizophrenic you know, and give me some Vitamin C tabs, and I'll bet I could get him to concur on the rules of these media.
Or maybe it's like "fishes" and I should say "mediums".
Hey friend, I spend too much time coprolalliating to let "talking to myself" manifest in many accounts. Rest assured that all my alts post under the name "henstepl".
Every week I check in with the bondsman, and every little while longer than that I'll show up to document the crawling improvement of my brain. And sometimes I'll have a new thesis.
And I'll invite you to look up catatonic faces ... being that the progression is 1) upperface 2) Z. minor 3) Z. major 4) lowerface, if you look up where those muscles are, don't you see those ones-and-threes and twos-and-fours in the catatonics?
Ones and threes. Do you see the way his mouth clicks open on the sides?
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indifferent.
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- 29 de Feb, 2020
Hello, I love your work, and enjoyed your "eureka thesis". Please continue.
Do you enjoy participating in art?
Do you enjoy participating in art?
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- 6 de Oct, 2020
The first art is visual, yet my hands are artless and tremulous as Hopkins on the Declaration of Independence. And even bodily performance is fettered by many personalities: I'd always give the air of poorly emulating a keener man than myself.
The second art is music, and I have many tunes running through my head. And I strum the guitar well, but I find every medium too tedious, and have taken to a schistically-slowed process of compiling my own music software, before I record any of it.
What's left is writing, and I write very well, and furthermore subject my brain to cleaving constraints of sorts that sometimes push me into apparent inspirations above.
But everything is fettered by the changes in the brain, and any document at length would be apparently written by a different man at the start and at the end. It's best that all my analyses suit themselves to hard-hitting theses. Genius is an art in itself: the taking of what's complicated and distilling it to what's still truthful, but now simple. That's what I've found in depicting catatonia, and that's what I strive for in everything.
Carbonation grimace, if anything, means that the brainly rules are made explicit in you now. The most lasting legacy unto those Florian patients would be to make these explications slightly smaller.