Soyjak.Party / The Sharty - The altchan born from the ashes of /qa/; also a containment thread

Destacado
Israel Light dijo:
type in your full legal name to find your sinister noctullian sign
Presiona para expandir...
1784555804818.png

>764
DOCTOS
 
BootyWarriorUkaUka dijo:
14853.mp4
Presiona para expandir...
EW NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO THERE IS NO WAY! THAT THIS... OLD ASS FART WRINKLE IS TALKING TO ME IN SUCH A DISRESPECTFUL MANNER. YOU KNOW IT'S ACTUALLY KINDA SAD YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO BE A GRANDPA NOW BUT INSTEAD OF ADVANCING YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHAIN YOU'VE INSTEAD SPENT YOUR DAYS ALONE IN YOUR ROOM READING HITLER MANIFESTOS AND COSPLAYING AS A FUCKIN' NEO NAZI. SO MANY YEARS AND SUCH LITTLE ADVANCEMENT. No seriously! Seriously I find it amusing THAT YOUR PENCIL PENIS DONKEY KONG BARREL BUILT LOOKIN' ASS WOULD ASSUME THAT I EVEN REMOTELY CARE ABOUT A SINGLE ONE. NO NO NO FUCK THAT. A SINGLE SYLLABLE OF THE VERBAL DIARRHEA GARGLE THAT'S COMING OUT OF THE DUSTY SARLAC PIT YOU CONSIDER TO BE YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU MY FACE?? YOU WANNA SEE MY FUCKIN' FACE??? BITCH SHOW ME YOUR FUCKIN' HAIRLINE CAUSE I KNOW THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE SPEAKING TO ME RIGHT NOW DRESSED UP AS A GOD DAMN DIABOLICAL BOY SCOUT. NAH LOOK AT THEM TEETH. BOY YOUR TEETH IN CREATIVE MODE. HELL NAH BOY STOP PLAYING YOU TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT. BRO THEY GOT FOSSIL RECORDS FOR EACH ONE OF YOUR FAT ROLLS. NAH STOP PLAYING WITH ME BOY I CAN'T TAKE YO ASS SERIOUSLY WHEN YOU DRESS UP LIKE A GODDAMN MEDIEVAL TERRORIST. BRO IS ABOUT TO SHOOT UP HIS OLD FOLKS HOME WITH A CROSSBOW AND A FUCKING TREBUCHET. YA YEET DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM! SHUT YO UGLY ASS UP. WHAT THE FUCK? A HE AHHH EEEEE SHUT UP BITCH. YOU WANT ME TO TURN ON MY CAMERA? YO DICK BUILT LIKE A INVERTED BANANA. YO FOREHEAD CRACKED UP LIKE THE AFRICAN SAVANNAH. I CAUGHT YOU AND YO SISTER BUTT NAKED LAST NIGHT. SWEET HOME ALABAMA. FUCK YOU THINK THIS IS? WHAT IS YOU WEARING WITH YO GODDAMN HONEY WHERE IS MY SUPER SUIT? NAH BOY LOOK AT YO ROOM, YO HOUSE DIRTY AS HELL. YOU GOT FOUR SEWER RATS IN YO BATH TUB RIGHT NOW FLOATING ON TOP OF A PIZZA BOX SINGING. "YO HO THIEVES AND BEGGARS". LIKE SHIT, BOY I CAUGHT YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL CONVERSATION WITH YO TOE NAIL LAST NIGHT. WE COULD'VE BEEN SUPER STARS REMEMBER WHEN WE AS JACKING CARS. YOU AND YO TOE NAIL WAS GOING TO BE THE DYNAMIC DUO. BITCH YOU WAS GONNA BE IN AMERICA'S GOT TALENT SWINGING THAT SHIT AROUND LIKE A FUCKING BOOMERANG. SHUT YO STUPID ASS UP. BRUH I CAUGHT YOU JACK SPARROW RUNNING AROUND YOUR HOUSE WHILE YOUR DAD WAS TRYING TO BEAT YOU WITH A TOILET PLUNGER LAST NIGHT. COME HERE BOY! SHUT YO ASS UP. BITCH EVERYTIME YOU TAKE A SHIT THE GAME OF THRONES THEME SONG STARTS PLAMMERING IN YO HOUSE.BUM BUA BUM BUDUM BUM. SHUT YO UGLY ASS UP BRUH.

Are you getting mad?

Are you getting mad?

DAMN You getting mad now! Cuz yo Legal name is Ledenhouser Strogenberg. Nah don't be Smiling now boy You ain't slick Boy! I caught you in the locker room after gym class Frantically wiping yo armpits down With a kleenex While tryna smell good For the girls In the hallway. OI ZOINKS! I GOTTA- I GOTTA HURRY UP. SHUT YO ASS UP YOU LIKE A DIABETIC TOASTER STRUDEL. YOU UGLY AHH AS HELL. YOU GOT THEM BIG ASS HUMPTY DUMPTY PANTS ON BRUH. YOU USE A FRUIT ROLL UP AS A BELT TO HOLD UP YO BUNG DU BUNGLA. Shut yo ugly Ass up You got Mineral deposits In your Belly button. You dumb As hell You thought Google drive Was a brand new Taxi service. Bitch yo Grandma Threw a Rage spell On the kitchen floor And started Smacking you with A weiner schnitzel. Shut yo ass up You a Diabolical Special needs Student. Boy you was In the back of a Short bus Maniacally Planning How you was gonna Take over Your school.HMMMMM YEAHHHHHHHHHH It will be MINE! Shut yo Ass up, Boy I caught you Butt Naked Playing gorilla tag With a mouse in your Kitchen. Yo ass Be sliding around The counters Like a paraplegic Frozone. Gotta Catch 'em ALL! Shut yo ass up With yo "I got a feeling Ooooooooo!" Everytime yo Grandpa Tickles yo Butthole. Shut yo Stupid ass up You thought the One chip challenge Was sticking a Hot cheeto Up your buttcrack. Ok! Here we go Everybody! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Shut yo Dirty ass up Get yo ass on bruh. Don't say I didn't warn you bud.. Haha. Heh. Hah. Varik, GO FUCK YOURSELF. YOU'RE A ROTTEN STAIN IN THIS BURNING, BLOODY UNIVERSE. every single one of youre friends are another dead cell in the fucking tissue of this realite. YOU'RE UTTERLY A FUCKED UP BITCH, BUT YOURE SO FUCKING CONFIDENT ABOUT IT. fuck you. you Friend. i have never wanted to kill someone this much until YOU arrived. you left nothing but, unfiltered, hatred in my heart that i cadnt express. Fucking scum. Rot. I hate you less than i should, admittedly. but youre either a psychopath who has a lack of empathy, a stupid Braindead Person, or a attempt to leech money off someone by killing a defenseless old man. YOU DENY HOW MUCH OF A FUCKING friend YOU ARE NO MATTER WHAT, BECAUSE YOU ARE "just working and getting moner." OR WHATEVER FUCKING EXCUSE YOU AND YOUR ""HERO""" FRIENDSS COME UP WITH. IF YOU WERENT SO FUCKING braindead individual, YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH PSYCHOPATH YOU ARE. I swear to fucking god I will fucking FUCK you, you fucking stupid piece of fucking shit, you think you’re so slick trying to slip in your fucking transphobia on over here? Well you know what else is fucking slick? I bet your fucking boypussy is slick, all moist after you’ve gooned yourself to your masturbatory, sorry, wad of shit fuck text that you try to pass off as a copypasta. What the fuck is here to copy paste huh? What fucking dumbfuck fuck scenario am I to be in to be copypasting about just straight up fucking sex. Has AskReddit fucking rot your mind so much that the only fucking interesting thing your dehydrated testicle of a brain could come up with is just transphobia??? What am I suppose to do with this text, there wasnt even anything funny or absurd about it. You were just transphobic, thats it, it’s just fucking transphobia, it’s just fucking fuck fucking fuck you. HAHAHAHAHA (racism) HAHAHAHAHA (misgendering) HAHAHAHAHA damn, that was so entertaining guys, Im so entertained, god im so entertained right now, im so entertained I might start crying. Hahaha, wouldnt it be funny if I started crying guys? Guys I think that would be real funny, just collapse on the floor and turn into a slobbering mess, just cry it all out, wouldnt that be funny? God I think that would be funny. Yeah that would actually be really funny. You know what, you gave me a real good laugh OP, youre not as bad as I thought. As a thank you for that hearty chuckle, you can impregnate my sister. Fuck you. You’re a worthless piece of shit, an embarrassment to humanity. The scale of your failure is so massive that your name will be used as a symbol of evil. No one could have fucked up as badly as you just did. If divine beings were real, they would have forsaken humanity the moment you were born. You’re a useless, idiotic piece of shit, and no one has ever loved you. Your actions have condemned everyone to suffering, and society will never recover from the chaos you’ve caused. You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to this world, and no amount of apology could make up for what you’ve done. Your existence is a stain on humanity, and no one will ever care about you. Your legacy is one of pure failure. You useless piece of shit. You absolute waste of space and air. You uneducated, ignorant, idiotic dumb swine, you’re an absolute embarrassment to humanity and all life as a whole. The magnitude of your failure just now is so indescribably massive that one hundred years into the future your name will be used as moniker of evil for heretics. Even if all of humanity put together their collective intelligence there is no conceivable way they could have thought up a way to fuck up on the unimaginable scale you just did. When Jesus died for our sins, he must not have seen the sacrilegious act we just witnessed you performing, because if he did he would have forsaken humanity long ago so that your birth may have never become reality. After you die, your skeleton will be displayed in a museum after being scientifically researched so that all future generations may learn not to generate your bone structure, because every tiny detail anyone may have in common with you degrades them to a useless piece of trash and a burden to society. No wonder your father questioned whether or not your were truly his son, for you'd have to not be a waste of carbon matter for anyone to love you like a family member. Your birth made it so that mankind is worse of in every way you can possibly imagine, and you have made it so that society can never really recover into a state of organization. Everything has forever fallen into a bewildering chaos, through which unrecognizable core, you can only find misfortune. I would say the apocalypse is upon us but this is merely the closest word humans have for the sheer scale of horror that is now reality. You have forever condemned everyone you love and know into an eternal state of suffering, worse than any human concept of hell. You are such an unholy being, that if you step within a one hundred foot radius of a holy place or a place that has ever been deemed important by anyone, your distorted sac religious soul will ruin whatever meaning it ever had beyond repair. You are an idiotic, shiteating, dumbass ape and no one has ever loved you. Rhodes Island would have been better off if you'd never joined us. You are a lying, backstabbing, cowardly useless piece of shit and I hate you with every single part of my being. Even this worlds finest writers and poets from throughout the ages could never hope to accurately describe the scale on which you just fucked up, and how incredibly idiotic you are. Anyone that believes in any religion out there should now realize that they have been wrong this entire time, for if divine beings were real, they would never have allowed a being such as you to stain the earth and this universe. In the future there will be horror stories made about you, with the scariest part of them being that the reader has to realize that such an indescribable monster actually exists, and that the horrific events from the movie have actually taken place in the same world that they live in right now. You are the absolute embodiment of everything that has ever been wrong on this earth, yet you manage to make it so that that is only a small part of the evil that is your being. Never in the history of mankind has there been anyone that could have predicted such an eldrich abomination, but here you are. It’s hard to believe that I am seeing such an incredible failure with my own eyes, but here I am, so unfortunately I cannot deny your existence. Even if I did my very best, my vocabulary is not able to describe the sheer magnitude of the idiotic mistake that is you. Even if time travel some day will be invented, there still would not be a single soul willing to go back in time to before this moment to fix history, because having to witness such incredible horrors if they failed would have to many mental and physical drawbacks that not even the bravest soul in history would be willing to risk it. I cannot imagine the pure dread your mother must have felt when she had to carry a baby for nine months and then giving birth to such a wretched monster as you. Not a single word of the incoherent, illogical rambling you may be wanting to do to defend yourself or apologize would ever be able to make up for what you just did. The countries of the world would have wanted to make laws preventing such a terrible event like this from ever happening again, but sadly this is not possible since your horrific actions just now have shattered every form of order this world once had, making concepts such as laws irrelevant. Right from the moment I first set my eyes on you I knew you were an absolute abomination of everything that is wrong with humanity. I was hoping I would have been able to prevent your evil from being released upon this world by tagging along and keeping my eye on you, but it is clear to me now that not even the greatest efforts would have been able to prevent a terrible event in this scale from occurring. You are the worst human being, or even just being in general, that I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing. Events like the infected plague apparently only happened with the goal of teaching humanity to survive such a horrible event as the one you just created, but not even mankind’s greatest trials were able to even slightly prepare anyone for the insufferable evil you have just created. If you ever had them, your children would be preemptively killed to protect this universe from the possibility of anyone in your bloodline being even half as bad as you are, except you will never be able to have children, because not a single human being will ever want to come within a hundred mile radius of you and anything you have ever touched. You are a colossal disappointment not only to your parents, but to your ancestors and entire bloodline. The disgusting mistake that you have just made is so incredibly terrible that everyone who would ever be to hear about it would spontaneously feel an indescribable mixture of immense anger, fear and anxiety that emotionally and physically they would never truly be the same ever again. The sheer scale of your mistake, if ever to be materialized, would not only surpass the size of the world, but it would reach far beyond the edges of the known, and almost certainly the unknown universe. I could sit here and write paragraphs, nay, books describing your immense failure, yet even if I were to dedicate my life to describing the reality of what has just gone down here, and I would spend every moment of it until my heart stops beating working as hard and efficiently as possible, yet there is not even a snowballs chance in hell that I would be able to come close to transcribing the absolute shitshow you have just released upon the world. You are an irresponsible, idiotic, disgusting, unloved, horrible excuse for a living being who’s soul contains less humanity than every ginger in history combined. The absolute disgust I feel when thinking about anything that has even a slight resemblance to anything that might have to do with you and your unholy actions is so incredibly great that when I am honest about it I think that even I do not posses a consciousness great enough to comprehend my own feelings about it. When people of Columbia fought to break free from Lungmen, countless soldiers fought and lost their lives in favor of a chance at a better future for their children, they did not give their lives to have you fuck the world up beyond repair to the degree that you are doing right now. Honestly, even when technology advances and studies on the subject become more and more accurate, I do not think humanity will ever truly be able to understand what your failure actually means for the universe. My hate for you and everything you stand for is so much deeper than the depths of Shambala that you could probably take the entire Lungmen population down there and back up around twenty million times before you would have sunk to the end of my hate, and honestly, I do not want to exaggerate, but I think that that insult was low balling it such a massive amount that all mountains in this world combined would not be able to stack up to this imprecise judgement in light of the fact that when being honest, my hate is almost certainly bottomless. There is no one in this world that has ever loved you, and especially after what you just did, no one will ever love you in the future either. There is no hope that your idiotic behavior and especially your crooked soul will ever change for the better, and in fact quite the opposite might be true. By making the mistake that you just did, you have shown me that you are so incredibly hopeless that you will only devolve into a more idiotic and wretched creature than you already are. The only possible way in which your future would be brighter than the black hole your existence currently is would exclusively be because there is absolutely no conceivable way that you would even be able to sink lower than the pathetic place your current failure has put you in. But then again, you are so incredibly abominable that you would probably be able to surpass the worst conceivable failure a living being could possibly make. You are so incredibly pathetic that you are honestly not worth any more of my words nor my time. Just remember that I will forever detest you for your failure and everything you stand for, and no matter what happens, I will never ever forgive you. The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start. shut the fuck up you nasty bitch. i dont how the fuck you jump my in sight you lil nasty ass nigga. shut yo lil bitch ass up you dirty bitch. who the is this fuck lone headass, jaw breaker lookin ass nigga in miss mary. SHUT YO BITCH ASS UP YOU UGLY ASS NIGGA YOU DIRTY ASS SHIT BITCH. IMA GET TO FLAMIN YO DIRTY ASS YOU GREASY CHEESE BURGER BODY YOU LIMP ASS NIGGA. YOU FAT AS SHIT BITCH SHUT YO STUPID ASS UP BITCH. According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive City graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Catches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Can anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Check it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can't just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Couple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Come on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Congratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Cool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Could be daisies. Don't we need those? that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Chemical-y. Careful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Candy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Coming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Can't fly in rain. Can't fly in rain. Can't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Come on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Can I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Coffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Come on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Can I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Cinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Cute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Crazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? hi.. you're on a rock floating in space.. pretty cool, huh.. some of it's water.. fuck it, actually most of it's water.. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat.. it's sad.. i'm sad.. i miss you.. how did this happen.. a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.. when.. never.. makes sense, right.. like i said, it didn't happen.. nothing was never anywhere.. that's why it's been everywhere.. it's been so everywhere you don't need a where.. you don't even need a when.. that's how every it gets.. forget this.. i wanna be something.. go somewhere.. do something.. i want things to change.. i want to invent time and space.. and i know it's possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.. i just don't know when to start.. and that's exactly where it started.. whoah, i paused it.. i think there's a universe now.. what's it made of.. quarks & stuf.. ah, that's a thing.. in a place.. don't like it.. try a new place.. at a different time™.. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.. and emptier.. but it's not empty yet.. it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.. great news.. the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutro.. and there's something else flying around too that wants to join in but can't cause it's still to.. HO.. great news.. the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.. and some of them even doubled up.. great news, the electrons have now joined i.. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.. but it's getting closer together.. and it's getting closer together.. and it's getting closer toge.. it's a sta.. new shit just got made.. some stars burn out and die.. bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit.. space dus.. which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode int.. even crazier space dus.. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.. like this ball of flaming rocks for example.. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.. and it kind of made a mess.. which i.. now the moo.. weather update.. it's raining rocks from outer space.. weather update.. those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there's hot steam in the sky.. weather update.. cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.. weather update.. it's raining.. severe flooding alert.. the entire world is now an ocean.. volcano alert.. that's land.. there's life in the ocea.. what.. something's alive in the ocea.. oh cool, like a plant or an animal.. no, a microscopic speck.. it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.. oh yeah, and it can do that.. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.. so that's pretty nifty, i would say.. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean.. now you can eat sunlight.. using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into foo.. taste the su.. side effect: now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky's blue.. then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.. it's a sponge.. it's a plant.. it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.. it's the Cambrian explosio.. "wow, that's animals and stuff.. but we're still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land.. n.. why.. the sun is a deadly laze.. oh okay.. not anymore, there's a blanke.. now the animals can go on land.. come on, animals, let's go on land.. nope, can't walk yet.. and there's no food yet, so i don't care.. ok, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here.. maybe, said some bugs, and fish.. ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water t.. have babie.. learn to use an egg.. i was already doing that.. use a stronger egg.. put water in it.. have a baby, on land, in an egg.. water is in the egg.. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.. works for me.. bye bye ocea.. and now everything's huge.. including bugs.. wanna see a map of the land.. sure.. oh fuck, now everything's dead.. just kidding, here are the survivors.. keep your eye on this one because it's about to become the dinosaurs.. here's another map of the land.. yeah, it broke apart, don't worry about it, it does that all the time.. here comes a meteor.. and the dinosaurs are gon.. it's mammal time, here come the mammals.. look at those breasts.. now they're gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.. and walk.. no, like, walk like that.. and grab stuff at the same time.. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.. "ouch.. and set things on fire.. "yeouch.. and make crazy sounds with their voice.. "gneurshk.. which can mean different things.. that's a human perso.. and now they're everywhere.. almost.. ice ag.. what, you can walk over here.. cool.. not anymor.. well i guess we're stuck here now.. let's review.. there's people on the planet.. and they're chasing their food.. fuck it, time to plant some grass.. look at this.. i control the food now.. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.. let's all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.. tired of using rocks for everything.. use metal.. it's underground.. better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.. and the animals are helping.. guess what happens nex.. more food.. and more people who came to buy the food.. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there's more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power.. Societ.. coming soon to a dank river valley near you.. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy.. tired of using lame, sad metal.. introducin.. Bronz.. made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.. i don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it.. also, guess what.. egyp.. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.. now we're getting somewhere.. als.. chin.. and did i mentio.. indus river valley civilizatio.. norte chic.. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it's in the middle of the east.. knock knock, er, clop clop.. it's the people with the horses.. and they made an empire.. and then everyone else copied their horses.. greek.. ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.. let's check in with the indus river valley civilization.. they're gone.. guess who's not gone.. chin.. new arrivals in india, maybe it's those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or somethin.. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuf.. you could make a religion out of this.. there's the bronze age collapse.. now the phoenicians can get down to busines.. also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find.. thanks.. look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel.. and they believe in Go.. just 1 though, he's got like a ten step program.. here's some huge heads.. must be the olmecs.. the phoenicians make some colonies.. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.. here comes the assyrian empire.. never mind, it's the babylonian- median.. it's the Persian Empir.. "wow, that's big.. ah, the buddha was just enlightened.. who's the buddha.. this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying.. you could make a religion out of this.. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.. it's a great idea.. he was great.. and now he's dead.. hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.. knock knock, it's chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here.. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants.. ok thanks, by.. time to conquer all of indi.. o.. most of indi.. but what about this part.. that's the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings.. who are the tamil kings.. merchants, probabl.. and they've got spice.. who would like to buy the spices.. me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy.. actually, they have three main philosophies.. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.. let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms.. greekification overload.. bye, said the parthians.. bye, said the jews.. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.. heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast.. thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.. hi, everything's great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular.. you could make a religion out of this.. want silk.. now you can buy it from china.. they just made .. brand new road to the worl.. or you ca.. get there on wate.. sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.. hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.. there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road.. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again.. remember the persian empire.. yep, said the persians, making a new one.. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.. has anyone populated madagascar yet.. let's do it together.. china is whole agai.. then it broke agai.. still can't cross the sahara desert.. try camels.. hell yeah! now we've got busines.. said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slave.. hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wonderin.. is loving jesus legal yet.. no.. actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to hi.. main riva.. don't worry about rome, it won't fall.. it's the golden age of indi.. there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta.. first name chandra.. the first.. guess who's in rome.. barbarian.. what's a barbarian.. non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans.. r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore so let's give it a new name.. the mayans have figured out the star.. oh and here's a huge city, population: everyon.. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe.. great job, göktürks.. how's india.. broken.. how's china.. back togethe.. how's those trading kingdoms.. bigger, and there's more of the.. korea has 3 kingdoms.. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom.. deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed's ear.. so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake.. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.. you could make a religion out of this.. and maybe conquer the world as well.. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope.. plus there'.. new kingdoms all over europ.. i wonder if there's room for moors.. here's all the wisdom.. in a house.. it's the baghdad house of wisdom.. just in time for th.. islamic golden ag.. let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast.. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there.. someone owns that now.. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere.. the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas.. surprise! you're the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire.. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.. but the northerners, or just norse if you don't have much time, are exploring.. they go north, from the north to the northern north.. and they find some land.. two types of land.. and they name them accordingly.. they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings.. there's the rus.. the kievan rus.. are they vikings.. i don't think so, said the kievan rus.. ok, fair enough.. the pope is ready to make some more emperors.. of the "roman empire".. the holy roman empire.. it's actually germany but don't worry about it.. new kingdoms.. christianize all the kingdom.. which brand would you like.. mine's better.. mine's better.. mine's better.. time to conquer england, said william.. it's a bird, it's a plan.. it's the seljuk turk.. aah! said the byzantine empire who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore.. we need help.. they need help, so they call the pope.. hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks.. maybe take back the holy land on the way.. come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.. yes, i do actually want to do that.. let's do a crusade.. crusad.. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail.. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.. goodbye mayans.. hello toltec.. goodbye toltecs.. hello mississipp.. look at those mounds.. there's the pueblo.. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.. guess who's here.. khmer.. where.. here.. and pagan is there.. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.. china just invented bombs, and typing.. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe.. nice going, Genghis.. i bet that will last a long time.. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.. is it tonga time.. i think it's tonga time.. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold.. look at this chad.. means "lake".. there's an empire there.. right in the middle o.. Afric.. the king of mali is so rich he's going on tour to let everyone know.. wow, that guy's rich, everyone said.. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain.. please remain christian.. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect.. whoops, half of europe just died.. min.. china's back, yay.. hey khmer, time to share.. new kingdoms here and there.. oh, look who controls all the islands.. it's the mahajapit.. majahapit.. mapajahit.. mahapajit.. mapajahit.. majapahit.. oh, italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics.. it's kinda like a rebirth.. here's a printer.. let's make books.. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire.. yep, said the ottoman turks.. nice job, ottoman turks.. whoops, you missed a spot.. don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.. what? that's bullshit, said portugal, spiceless.. well i guess we'll have to find another way to indi.. wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack.. if the world is round, let's go this way to india.. nah, don't worry, we already got this, said portugal.. so chris goes to spain.. hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world.. no.. please.. no.. please.. no.. please.. ok.. so he sails into the ocean.. and discovers more ocean.. and then discovers the indies.. and japan.. let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start.. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other.. move over lithuania, here comes moscow.. ivan wants to make russia great again.. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something.. persia just made persia persian again.. let's make it the other kind of islam.. the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.. hey christians.. do you sin.. now you can buy your way out of hell.. that's bullshit.. this whole thing is bullshit.. that's a scam.. fuck the church.. here's 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.. you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat.. what if the ottoman empire was really big.. which it is now.. what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible.. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade.. and then that dream was real.. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway.. damn, said england and france.. we gotta start pillaging some stuff.. then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam.. damn, said amsterdam.. we gotta start pillaging some stuff.. question 1: can you get to india through north america.. no, but at least there's beaver.. question 2: steal the spice trade.. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.. suga.. guess where all the sugar's made.. in brazil.. stole.. and the caribbean.. and it's so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery.. the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger.. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world.. more specifically, ohio.. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss.. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss.. yes they did.. it's britain.. guess who's broke.. also britain.. so they start taxing the hell out of america.. fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it.. and france helps them win, now france is broke.. and britain'll have to send their prisoners to a different continent.. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses.. let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.. you could make a reli- no, don't.. haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution.. especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.. why didn't we think of this before.. wait, who's in charge of france now.. m.. said napoleon, trying to take over europe.. luckily, they banished him to an island.. but he came bac.. luckily, they banished him to another island.. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power.. so now they can mak.. many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fas.. then they invent some trains.. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.. hey, china! said britain.. buy stuff from us.. nah dude, we already got everything, says china.. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium.. which worked, actually.. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.. so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island.. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan.. also, th.. sultan of oman lives in zanzibar no.. "that's just where he lives.. india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.. nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before.. technology is about to go craz.. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.. it's bad, they decided.. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.. i know, let's rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.. they never got ethiopi.. britain and france are still hungry.. they never got thailan.. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more.. hawai.. cub.. wait, spain controls cuba.. well, blame something on them and go to war.. what should we blame on spain.. let's blame the maine on spain.. so they blame the maine on spain.. now we're in business.. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.. britain just found oil in the middle east.. it makes cars g.. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.. europe hasn't had a war since the last war.. so they start world war 1.. look at those guns.. it's gonna be a great war.. so great we won't need a second one.. after it's over, they blame germany.. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government.. now everyone's paycheck is the same.. communis.. in the soviet unio.. the arabs revolt and britain helps.. now the ottoman empire's gone so we can give th.. jewish people a place to liv.. hopefully the arabs won't mind.. let's cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire.. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turke.. and then the saudis conquer arabia.. it just seemed like the right thing to do.. hello.. yes, it's the 1920's calling.. let's get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies.. the economy's great and it'll probably be great forever, just kidding.. germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model.. and he's mad at the jews for existing.. japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited they rape nanking way too hard.. they should probably just deny it.. hitler's out of control.. so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea.. but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.. that's world war .. bonus round.. pacific showdown.. united states vs. japan.. fight.. finish hi.. let's unite all the nations and have som.. world peac.. seems legit.. hi, i'm gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm gonna starve myself in public.. wow, that worked.. bonus, now there's pakistan.. actually two pakistans.. one of them can be bangladesh later.. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land.. me, they both said at the same time.. let's divide up the land so everyone's happy.. sike, they both get angrie.. look out china, there's a new china in china.. what's on the menu.. communism.. no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island.. i wonder which one is the real china.. there's the korean war, korea versus korea.. nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.. let's meet the sponsors.. oh, it's the two global superpowers.. they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan.. and they both have atom bombs.. fight.. wait, no, that would be the end of the world.. let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.. i'll race you to space.. now let's make some more countries fight themselves.. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged.. so here's a new map, with new countries.. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by.. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad.. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees.. south africa might need another minute to think about it.. let's check the world population.. whoa.. okay.. technology's better too, that might keep happening.. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don't feel like it.. let's check the mail.. surprise, it's on the computer.. whoops, someone just attacked america.. i bet they'll remember that.. phone call.. surprise, it's in your pocket.. wanna learn everything.. surprise, it's on the computer.. now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket.. whoops, the economy just crashed.. don't worry, the big banks won't fail because they're not supposed to.. surprise.. flying robots.. with bombs.. wanna print a brain.. some people have no friends.. some people have no food.. the globe is warmin.. and the ocean is full of plasti.. let's save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how.. let's invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor.. that's pretty cool.. by the way, where the hell are we?

It's actually sad these people still exist..
 
jimbraps dijo:
Ver archivo adjunto 9297787
>764
DOCTOS
Presiona para expandir...
Someone PLEASE sponsor this motherfucking post, and tell people to react to this post with the official Kiwi Farms emote entitled "Horrifying", which depicts what appears to be some dumbbell-looking piercing that's often used to signify that a post might be.. unsavory (shocking even!) to say the least.. here's a historically accurate depiction of what the emote appears to be:

1784557484959.png


I hope this helped.
 
Avroboros dijo:
Someone PLEASE sponsor this motherfucking post, and tell people to react to this post with the official Kiwi Farms emote entitled "Horrifying", which depicts what appears to be some dumbbell-looking piercing that's often used to signify that a post might be.. unsavory (shocking even!) to say the least.. here's a historically accurate depiction of what the emote appears to be:

Ver archivo adjunto 9297845

I hope this helped.
Presiona para expandir...
NO, NOT ME YOU ABSOLUTE CRETINS!! I WAS REFERING TO THE POST I WAS QUOTING
 
Destacado
Debes iniciar sesión o registrarte para responder aquí.
Atrás
Top Abajo