So, you're some absolute nobody who made Youtube videos half a decade ago that nobody ever saw or cared about, and you're considering destroying your life and becoming an Internet jester because you've had issues accessing mental health resources? What a fucking crybaby narcissist.
Do you see how retarded this sounds to everyone else? This has the same energy as Butters dressing as Professor Chaos and in his mind he's this evil villain main character mastermind but to everyone else it's "oh great, the sperg is wearing costumes now."
None of this shit matters and you're being fucking retarded. "I couldn't get a therapist so I started smearing shit on my face on Discord for people who hate me!" Nigga, shut up. You don't even matter. Stop having a crisis of consciousness about shit nobody cares about. You're very important to yourself but no one else gives a fuck. Shut up. Real lolcows don't ask for permission to be a lolcow, they just start smearing shit on themselves without the pomp and circumstance. Either shit in your hand and smear it on your face or shut up.