The more I ponder and study the definition, the more I relate to the category of non-binary and think that I may have been denying myself for a long time. Non-binary gender has been recorded as far back as 400 B.C. to 200 A.D. when hijras — people in India who identified as having both masculine and feminine traits — were referenced in ancient Hindu texts. I'm biologically male, and I identify with a lot of male, traditional traits for a man...sometimes. But I don't always. I noticed this when I listen to music or when I dance--I sometimes feel like I relate to either a feminine or non-masculine role. I noticed this when I wanted to buy a painting by Mexican queer artist, Felix Deon, about Xochipilli, the Prince of Flowers, the Aztec god of music, joy, art, dance, song, hallucinogenic plants and the spirit journey on which they take you, the morning sun, and Two Spirit, or queer people (in fact, there is no gender in the Aztec language, and because Xochipilli is simultaneously Their sister, Xochiquetzal, the goddess of love, They are both male and female at once, and is said to possess a Cihuayollotl, a "Heart of a Woman"). I also noticed this when I remember deeply repressed memories of childhood, where I desperately wanted to dress in my female cousins' and sister's shoes and clothing, play with dolls, dreamed that I wanted to be a mermaid, was obsessed with Disney Princesses and the Spice Girls, but the world rejected that and humiliated me. And I noticed this when I moved to Seattle, where I finally felt comfortable to scrutinize and discover my repressed sexual and gender identities. I replaced my entire wardrobe with all kinds of colors and jewelry and bags to match. I pierced my ears and naturally chose the stud that would shimmer the brightest in my ears. I'm dying my hair pink on Friday. I started buying women's pants and shorts and bracelets because I liked the way they look on me. And I've just never related to the idea that just because I'm male, that I prefer or have dominant masculine traits all the time. I don't always relate to masculinity or its implications. I sometimes relate more closely to the elegance, beauty, grace, and gentleness of femininity. Mentally, I sometimes feel like I display a mix of traditionally male and female gender traits to the world and my partners and my friends. People have probably noticed this before, but I haven't allowed myself to be honest with myself that maybe *exclusively* "he" and maybe *exclusively* "cisgender male man" might be the wrong label for me. I feel like I'm a colorful teddy bear on the shelf at the store that got the wrong sticker label since I arrived at the store saying "G.I. Joe," but I'm not a "Barbie Doll" either. I'm just a colorful teddy bear, a gentle comforter, a happy neither-Joe-nor-Barbie. Being non-binary doesn't mean I have to reject being physically male or reject "he," because I definitely still relate to "he" and I'm biologically happily male....but it does mean that that doesn't seem to capture my whole story. It's not the most descriptive label. It feels like I don't belong in the traditional binary of the mind, interests, or expression of a man or woman. I will accept "he" or "they" interchangeably, and I'm still queer (preferring the male gender), so nothing really operationally changes for any of you, I guess this is more just for me. I'm a little tired of feeling like I don't belong in the category everyone prescribed for me, and that's literally what non-binary means...you don't relate to the binary of men and women. This doesn't mean that all NB people are the same or feel the same about their gender, sex, and identity. My personality, appearance, behavior, body, and attractions are nothing like Demi Lovato, Hikaru Utada, or other famous NB people. If I were to create a close approximation, it might be that Sam Smith kind of inspired me to reconsider all this. In their video, How Do You Sleep? they boldly visualize a choreography and appearance of non-binary, stuck in the in-between of male and female roles of dance and art. This is something, if I'm honest with myself, I've always felt about myself to some degree. I'm just finally safe enough to have these thoughts, to write these out, and to share them. So I think I can say...I'm non-binary. I'm a he/they.
I need to talk to my therapist lol even typing this out feels scary and trauma-triggering in a way. There's a part of me that feels like it needs to grieve throwing away the mask I wore for so many years, because it offered me so much protection through dishonesty to myself. I'm scared of throwing that mask away. But the mask doesn't seem to describe me, and if I trust that people really want to know me, then I need to trust that those people deserve to know the real me, and that I deserve to know the real me. Does that make sense?