Messed up Mythology and Folk Tales

[FuckMeGentlyWithAChainsaw]

In the original version of Snow White she's seven years old and it's her actual mother who wants to kill her. Queenie orders the hunter to bring back Snow's liver and lungs so she can "cook them and eat them with salt". The hunter brings back the parts from a dear he kills and Queenie eats those thinking its her daughter.
When the prince falls in love with the corpse of the seven year old there is no (recorded) kiss. Instead he orders his servants to carry the coffin after him wherever he goes. So when he eats it rests next to him etc. The servants get sick and tired of this and abuse the corpse while he's not looking. A hard slap on the back makes the poisoned apple bit fly out and Snow is alive again.
Queenie gets invited to the wedding of the prince, having no idea he's marrying her seven year old daughter. She gets arrested and forced to dance in red hot iron shoes until she falls over dead.
And they lived happily ever after...

 

[Tingle]

My mom would always tell a story her parents (who each came from European immigrant families) would tell her as a kid about a man who would walk around towns and villages looking for children who left their windows open late at night. If their window was too high to reach he'd rip off parts of himself a piece at a time to toss up through the window to get inside. Whether to eat them, terrorize them or take them away I'm not sure since my mom never shared any more of the story than that.

I have no idea if this was a real folk take or fable or whatever and if anyone knows if it is I'd do tell me what it is. Just a story made up to keep kids from leaving their windows open?

 

[Wot Zit Too Yah0996]

My mom would always tell a story her parents (who each came from European immigrant families) would tell her as a kid about a man who would walk around towns and villages looking for children who left their windows open late at night. If their window was too high to reach he'd rip off parts of himself a piece at a time to toss up through the window to get inside. Whether to eat them, terrorize them or take them away I'm not sure since my mom never shared any more of the story than that.

I have no idea if this was a real folk take or fable or whatever and if anyone knows if it is I'd do tell me what it is. Just a story made up to keep kids from leaving their windows open?

Sounds like one of those ye olde unsettling Russian/Polish bedtime stories, told to bratty kids. Icelandics have Grýla, an Ogress, who would kidnap and eat ungrateful/naughty kids during Yuletide.

 

[Drihten]

There's an Aztec myth (albeit relatively light-hearted by Aztec standards) regarding a legendary Toltec king known as Huemac, who lived in the 10th century. He had a wife with buttocks "a hand-span wide" which didn't appease Huemac, as he wished for a wife with buttocks that were four hand-spans in width instead (he was a chubby-chaser). So he gathered many royal women from various allies and tributary states but none of them had wide enough buttocks.

His displeasure caused a dispute within the various polities in the Toltec sphere which escalated when the gods Tezcatlipoca and Yaotl shapeshifted into women that were the apex of beauty in Huemac's eyes, seduced him and then informed the allies of the Toltecs that Huemac had betrayed all of them, which resulted in a declaration of war upon Tollan (the primary Toltec city). Huemac had realised what had happened and attempted to confess his sins before Xochiquetzal, the Nahua goddess of love and fertility, but received only silence, he then sacrificed all of his children to the goddess, but still nothing.

The Toltecs ultimately were defeated on the field and Huemac killed himself, Tollan itself was then burnt to the ground and destroyed. Huemac was the last king to ever reign above the Toltecs and the story of his downfall should be the ultimate warning towards fat fetishists.

 

[Wot Zit Too Yah0996]

Picking up where I left off:

• Bùri, Odin's paternal grandfather, like the countless generations of Giants before Bergelmir, Bolthorn, Thor, and Týr, was born from Ymir's sweat, only he came out as a half-formed, person-shaped block of ice, or salt, or salty ice. Ymir's wife and surrogate mother, a Primordial cow Goddess, Audumbla, licked at the shape, until it either thawed out and freed the newly born Bùri, or the act itself gave life to him.

• Changelings aren't just horror film, sci-fi things: they're cuckoo like beings from Olde, or Ancient English folklore, which sneak into parents' homes, and swap places with a sleeping baby.

• The fairy tale, Erlkönig, German for Elf King, is about a father who rides through the night with his son, who is literally sick with the inexplicable feeling of impending death, and this "feeling" turns out to be the demonic Erlkönig. I only really heard the tale on Boardwalk Empire, so I don't know, or remember the full thing, but the son ends up dying at the Erlkönig's hand.

• Athena was "born" from Zeus' head. Explanation: Hera, for all her resentment at being cheated on, was actually Zeus' third wife. A Titaness by the name of Metis was his first wife, and around the time she was up the spout, Zeus got the same stupid prophecy his dad did, about his offspring one day usurpring him, so he somehow shrank his wife, or tricked her into becoming small herself, of her own volition, and swallowed her. She still carried Athena to term, and that's how she ended up smashing through Sky Daddy's skull.

 

[Safir]

The traditional Russian fairytale cure for dismemberment is gather the pieces, rinse each piece in The Dead Water (vodka), assemble, and sprinkle with The Living Water (beer). Good as new, unless a piece is missing.

 

[Wot Zit Too Yah0996]

The traditional Russian fairytale cure for dismemberment is gather the pieces, rinse each piece in The Dead Water (vodka), assemble, and sprinkle with The Living Water (beer). Good as new, unless a piece is missing.

Confirmed: this is why Boris Yeltsin lived so long. Hilariously enough, at his baptism, the priest conducting the ceremony dropped him in the water for a few moments, 'cos he was a drunkard.