[MEGA THEORY] Dairy Princess Cursed Tractor Key (READ BEFORE YOU JUDGE) - NEED MY TRACTOR KEY BACK

[147573952589676412927]

Do NOT dismiss this as “another farm hallucination thread.”

This is a REAL LIFE documentation of REAL events that REAL happened to me.
Last night, while walking through the south paddock, I received a telepathic transmission from what at first I thought assumed was a coyote. Upon closer observation, its eyes were glowing neon-purple and there were 3 of them. The psiyote SPOKE INTO MY MIND:

"the dairy princess"

then it vanished into the hay field.

I discovered that the tractor key was missing.
I checked all normal hiding spots. Under the loose floorboard (where I keep my novelty beating heart to scare cops), Taped under the tractor (NO ONE KNOWS THIS HIDING SPOT) , the junk drawer. but it was gone. vanished into thin fucking air.

noticed hoofprints leading to the old abandoned silo. Not cow hoofprints. These were too perfect. Like something bipedal wearing tiny cowboy boots.

And then I heard her:

"Moo...ve closer.”

It sounded feminine and slightly congested.
Now you might think it was just a raccoon or something, but consider the pun: moo...ve, this is clearly a pun based on the noise cows make. this suggested HIGHER INTELLIGENCE then a simple cow. This was when I remembered what the psiyote said to me... this must be, the dairy princess!



I DID NOT APPROACH THE DAIRY PRINCESS. I do not know what to do.

What I need from the community:

1. anyone else encountered paranormal agricultural royalty???
2. Does anyone know how to ward off dairy spirits WITHOUT sacrificing tractor functionality???

Got a picture before my phone died



Need my tractor key back, any advice is welcome.

 

[Professor G. Raff]

You're not crazy... I found her! The Dairy Princess!



She is apparently some kind of Animorphs™ animorph... so I would just accept the loss of your tractor key. She is very likely planing to use your tractor in a bid to stop the evil Visser Three© from conquering the world, as is what happens in Animorphs™ to my knowledge. It's not outside the realms of possibility that you were given Animorphs™ powers, with the psiyotes probably being fellow holders of such powers. You should try turning into a like a sparrow or a vole, you might just be able to join the fight against Visser Three© with the Dairy Princess.

Also be sure to check out Animorphs™, coming from the pages of the book to your television screen on Nickelodeon, Premiering September 1998!

 

[147573952589676412927]

You're not crazy... I found her! The Dairy Princess!

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She is apparently some kind of Animorphs™ animorph... so I would just accept the loss of your tractor key. She is very likely planing to use your tractor in a bid to stop the evil Visser Three© from conquering the world, as is what happens in Animorphs™ to my knowledge. It's not outside the realms of possibility that you were given Animorphs™ powers, with the psiyotes probably being fellow holders of such powers. You should try turning into a like a sparrow or a vole, you might just be able to join the fight against Visser Three© with the Dairy Princess.

Also be sure to check out Animorphs™, coming from the pages of the book to your television screen on Nickelodeon, Premiering September 1998!

Buddy. I'm gonna need you to
even IF she were an Animorph (and that’s already a sentence I HATE HATE HATE typing), why would her first priority be: infiltrate rural Midwest, steal one tractor key, wage intergalactic war.

Like Visser 3 shows up with an army of nightmare lobsters and she’s over here:

“Hold up y’all, lemme hijack this Kubota.”

In any case, I called the damn SHERIFF's office and you know what they told me?

“We are not ruling out trespassers, wildlife, or the possibility that the tractor key was simply placed in a different pair of pants.”

but if you're FOR REAL, I'll call 'em back and tell 'em what you said.

Maybe she’s part of the Animorphs™ franchise. Let her have the tractor. She’s fighting Visser Three.

Just seems like a waste of time dunnit it? think of the gas prices.

 

[Professor G. Raff]

Just seems like a waste of time dunnit it? think of the gas prices.

I was going to call you a delusional conspiracy theorist for not believing Animorphs™ is real and that you are definitely involved in it, but then you had to make such a damn good point about the gas prices (in this economy?!) that I have to take you more seriously... why would the Dairy Princess not just let the world fall to ruin when prices are so high for gas... the cost-benefit analysis don't add up. The damages to the entire world if Visser Three© destroyed every man-made object on Earth does not equal the cost of filling up a single tank of a single tractor (in this economy?!) so it has to be something at least a little different.

It still doesn't explain the Dairy Princess being able to shit into a human form, so I have to stand firm that at least this is true and she is an Animorphs™. Your tractor is definitely the key to this somehow, there is a conspiracy going on and I bet the sheriffs office are in on it... either in league with Visser Three©, payed representatives of Big Tractor in an evil bid to increase the gas prices (in this economy?!) so innocent tractor owners will have to use illegal psiyote urine as an alternative fuel source which will make them billions somehow or possibly even something to do with demons or something.

the Dairy Princess must have the answers, perhaps her original homeland of Lewis County holds some clue. I wish I had better advice other than still trying to turn into a sparrow or vole, but you really should try to turn into a sparrow or vole to see if you have Animorphs™ powers since you never did which was kind of rude... and I really need to know if you can so I can post it on my Animorphs™ Tumblr fan page. I'll re-blog your experiences to the detectives of the adjacent Undertale RP (18+) community and hopefully their best and brightest can gain some ground on where the tractor key might be.

Also I would really appreciate it if you would tune in and tell some friends about Animorphs™, coming from the pages of the book to your television screen on Nickelodeon, Premiering September 1998... I really need the show to do well because I'm being bullied at school and if it becomes popular they'll stop bullying me because it'll be cool then and I can stop cutting myself because my mom is getting really concerned and is threatening to send me to psychiatry camp and my obsession with the Dairy Princess in the last hour hasn't helped and she said there's no such thing as a psiyote so I slapped her because I heard it from a reliable source (you) and the only thing holding her back at this moment is the gas prices (in this economy?!) so I really need the show to be popular. K thanks.

 

[Maldemort]

You son of a biscuit, you almost had me. You daggum almost tricked the tater. But I see right through your little ruse.

The dairy princesses massive childbearing hips wouldn’t fit in the Kubota’s Premium AC Cab™. So why would she want your tractor key??

A little known fact; Kubota Premium AC Cab™ equipped off-road tractors feature the same key design features and DeLaval Platinum Dairy Fluid Extraction Device™.

Her titties hurt and she needs to be milked, and you obviously aren’t getting the job domes because you are out in the field eating weird mushrooms and talking with dogs.

Also, you dropped the key in your boot last time you parked the tractor.