The British process for formally handing over from YouTube to Kick is far more complex than was portrayed on this stream. We are a proud nation, steeped in the ancient traditions of cousin marriage, mass rape, and ritual child sacrifice to the many crocodiles who swim to our shores from the tropics seeking political asylum. It is unconscionable that we should be forced to endure off-the-cuff insults from Americans who, night after night, flies sorties over our major cities dropping tons of hamsters, who drift back down to earth on tiny parachutes. Birmingham and Coventry have been buried under hamsters to such an extent that it is now impossible to hear the call to prayer.
Some background:
In the United Kingdom, YouTube has established itself in lands that have belonged to Brigante tribe since the Iron Age.
Kick occupies territory that was held by the Trinovantes (an offshoot of the Celts) up until the time of the Roman occupation.
The handing-over ceremony commences when one of the King’s footsoldiers, dressed as Tutubus, in a garland of weeping willow boughs, brings the Liking Staff down on the Notification Bell.
A sergeant in the King’s cavalry, who is dressed as Calcitare – the patron deity of Kick and god of horseshoes and pies – bellows back from across the cobbles:
“Oi! wot wanker rings the Notifcation Bell at this fackin hour?”
Tutubus responds: “I caution you, sar, the manner of your oration is haram. It invites three strikes from my shoe, sar.”
Calcitare replies: “Then come forth and redeem on Kick where sneeding is permitted and where fucks are not routinely given.”
At this point Lord Lancaster’s Rag (not literally a rag, but a fragment of medieval tapestry depicting shenanigans at a castle) is ceremonially passed from Tutubus to Calcitare.
The massed cavalry behind Calcitare shout: “Big Support!”
This is followed by a display of morris dancing and cheese rolling by the respective Olympic teams. In their midst, a member of the public, chosen by lottery, assumes the role of a folk devil referred to as ‘The Gilded Savile’. Clad in a gold tracksuit and abundant jewellery, he will attempt to “fork the ring”. Should he be successful in his endeavours, the weather in England shall remain clement for the ensuing nine days, and all geese within the boundary of Winchester will be granted freedom of green spaces within the city.
Afterwards everyone sits down to a traditional banquet of chicken tikka masala, eaten with knives with rounded tips.
It is a dignified ceremony and a benchmark for the level of seriousness that England expects from its interactions with other nations.