01 – “Join the Army”, They Said
The game has two setpiece battles before cutting the player loose with their own forces, so let’s go ahead and get one of them, and the starting plot threads of the game, dealt with.
We begin at an unnamed port, following a pair of figures as they head up the main road, discussing recent events as they walk through the bazaar.
“Well then, did your mother make a fuss over you?”
"I don’t have time for that, Rictor. I’m more concerned with my new family name...When I heard the name ‘Loeher’ it just doesn’t sound right. I’d rather it hadn’t changed at all.”
“Once our ship departs, you won’t be able to see her for awhile.”
“We’re finally leaving...It’ll be my first time abroad.”
Rictor stops again, turning to admonish his companion.
“It sounds like you think this’ll be a vacation! I’m not sure you realize what we’re getting ourselves into.”
“Excuse me, Commander Lasanti.”
“Was that supposed to be sarcastic? This may be my first time commanding...but I am expecting a lot from you.”
“Count on me, Sir.”
From a nearby stall, a woman calls out to the pair.
“We don’t have time for that. We set sail early tomorrow.”
“......”
Ah, yes, the infamous double ellipses. Thankfully, the game never uses more than two at once that I remember; still, our hero gives this reaction a lot.
“What’s wrong with you today? Why the sudden interest in fortune telling? Well, do as you like. I’m heading back. You better return soon, too.”
“Yes, I know.”
Rictor heads up the staircase, while our as-yet unnamed protagonist approaches the woman’s table after a moment.
"… hints influence their path. Welcome. Please enter your name and date of birth.”
Aaaaaand the bint just runs off and punches a hole in the fourth wall from the word “go”. Lovely.
From here, we not only select our hero’s name and birthdate, but take a six-question quiz after it – the ones mentioned in the sign-up post. Every game in the series has this step, which determines several aspects of your hero, as well as the initial selection of troops and supplies you receive. We won’t get to make any soldiers until after the first two battles, so for now I’ll just keep hammering A until we can start cutting on fools, and go back to do this “properly” once I can start filling in the roster.
We return to a black screen, narration fading in.
At port, Rictor and our hero march onto a ship, their soldiers already on board.
It was more of an invasion than a reformation. Many conflicts erupted as these territories were conquered.
Pictured: soldiers of the nation we work for.
But, some countries submitted and accepted Lodis’ conditions. Although supervised by Lodis, they were able to maintain autonomy. The empire also pledged support if problems were to arise.
Some rulers chose to surrender to avoid pointless sacrifice. It was no surprise that they made that decision...although that did not stop small conflicts from occurring.
The child stares at the body for a moment, then up at the clouds, before walking away.
However, compared to the rest of the era, it was a time of peace.
Mostly peaceful
protests warfare!
The narration ends here, with a short credits listing, before a flash of lighting whites out the screen, informing us that this is:
An Excerpt from the Ogre Battle Saga
The Knight of Lodis
We return to a black screen and the sound of a thunderstorm. The mast of a ship is seen through flashes of lightning as the camera pans down, the scene lighting up properly as it does. Soldiers mill on and around the deck, our hero watching them as they move into the cabin or onto the shore. He looks to the side, moving to the gangplank as Rictor comes into view.
“The ship can be repaired but it may take a while.”
“How about the captain?”
“He said we should wait for the storm to settle first.”
“Well, I guess there’s nothing we can do in a situation like this.”
Ritcor turns to look at the ship, concerned.
“I didn’t think the stormy season would come so soon. Our ship has been drifting for so long that I haven’t a clue where we are. We should be thankful that the ship didn’t sink.”
“Commander!”
“
We’re being attacked! We have no idea who they are or what they want!”
“No way!... At a time like this!?”
The camera pans to the side, into black, then pans further to show the shore, where a small force of soldiers has gathered, lead by a budget viking.
"
You must be from Lodis! I’m sorry, but we can’t let you land on this island. Die here!!!”
Yes,
Stan. Stan the pirate viking wannabe, who is also fantasy Canadian with the apologizing before trying to kill you.
No, I don’t know, either.
“
Who are you? What do you want with us?”
Rictor is, rightly, just as confused about this revalation as everyone else.
“
We’re hired men. We were told to give the knights from Lodis a warm welcome!”
And here we go! Time to make facegravy!
Since this is a tutorial, Rictor still has some gabbering to get out of the way for anyone who is unfamiliar with tactics games or lacking in reading comprehension. It’s basic, but useful, advice for storyline battles where you’re getting your ass handed to you or otherwise can’t be fucked to murder everyone on the map.
Naturally, being the tutorial means we only have control of our hero, with everyone else being guest units.
Knight of Lodis doesn’t use unit speed to determine order – everyone on one side acts, then everyone on the other, back and forth until victory or death. Guest units move before the player’s, which can be incredibly frustrating when (not if) they do something stupid, which is often.
Rictor, having healer AI, moves back from the front line, while our unique archer, Orson, charges forward to take a shot. Of course, he turns to offer a nugget of wisdom before commencing the murdering.
"Some of them have bows. An arrow could come from any direction. Be alert!"
He then draws and fires, dealing a minor hit. Bows have arching trajectories, allowing units on high ground to hit targets outside of the bow’s listed range. This is great when you’re on the high ground, and annoying as shit when you’re not. I’m sure you can guess which one happens more often.
One of the generics trundles forward to melee, but her blow is denied. While it helps to have a shield, units don’t need one to block.
She then gets a bop for being a failure. Unlike
Final Fantasy Tactics, none of your units are considered so incompetent that they cannot counterattack. However, you don’t get any fancy shit like reactive teleports or sword-grabbing. It’s just mutually-assured facewrecking all the way down.
Also, the enemy unit earned 10 EXP for his hit. Yes, enemies can level up in battle. It usually won’t be much of an issue, but it can happen.
Our other generic moves up behind Orson and does sweet fuck-all.
The game barfs up another tutorial message before letting us move. Since we can’t really get anywhere, either, Alphonse (don’t get used to the default name) rushes the front line as well.
If a unit chooses to wait, you can tell them where to face. Otherwise, they face wherever their action pointed them until something else (usually a counter) changes their facing, or their next action comes around.
With no other troops to move, we suffer our first enemy turn.
But not before this asshole has to run his mouth a bit more.
“
Shut your mouth! I’m a true knight of Felis!!!”
“
Calm down, Alphonse! Don’t let your temper flare!”
“
Hahaha. Hey, kid… You scared?”
… And now the wannabe Canadian pirate viking is trying to sound like a paedo.
Great.
The female generic in the back, who has her own bow, holds her position and takes a pot shot at our hero. Twelve damage isn’t a
lot, but as always, enough unanswered hits will add up to a corpse.
The other cliffside foe (in front of the archer) moves up to strike our injured guest.
I’m so goddamn glad I won’t be using this daft cunt.
The third generic, rather than going behind our exposed guest, runs down to strike at the other frontliner. He already makes a better showing.
Finally, Stan moves to Derpy’s flank to attack. His class (not available to the player, of course) has axes as its preferred weapon, so he does more damage with them and gets a neat little attack animation.
He gets a
hell of a whallop on the poor meatshield, to boot! Critical hits do more damage and force the victim a square away, if possible. Jesus, if I had to kill everyone on this map I’d be a little worried.
Rictor moves, and targets our mauled soldier with a healing spell.
Thankfully, Rictor is our AI-powered retard insurance for this fight, and rolls back the worst of her injuries.
Orson moves
behind an enemy to fire at Stan’s flank. Orson, get away from there, you don’t melee!
Derpy moves to attack Stan, pausing to barf out another tutorial message.
“
Attack the enemy from behind to avoid being counterattacked. Remember; strategy is the key to victory.”
You have
zero room to talk, you gawping gobshite.
In fact, I’m amazed you didn’t just hit
yourself.
Huh. Maybe she’s listening.
Our final generic charges forward to attack the other soldier next to Stan, and
Oh for fuck’s sake the stupid is contagious
Jesus H. Christ, I’m going to have to solve this shit myself, aren’t I?
We move our (thoroughly unnerved) hero up to this random soon-to-be corpse, and get ready to make with the violence.
Oh thank fuck, he hasn’t caught the retard virus yet.
I’ll take it. So long as we don't catch a string of bad criticals, it’s nearly impossible to die on this map with Rictor healing for about one-sixth (or so) of Alphonse’s HP a pop. Still, if the way this has
started is any indication, I’m not ruling out the possibility of someone on Team Blue eating shit.
The generic decides that, rather than run up behind Knobhead and shank him in the ribs, he’s going to take a swing at Alphonse, eats a counter in kind, and comes off worse for the bargain.
Dickswizzle moves to Derpy’s flank and swings, again eating more damage in return than he dealt.
Robinna Hood runs up to the corner and fires at Orson. Sadly, soldiers with bows cannot return fire in kind, though that’s understandable with the mechanic of arching arrows the game has.
Stan, seeing an opening, runs behind Alphonse.
That stung. Units that are attacked from behind in melee don’t get a counter, either, even if the hit is blocked. And, since “front” can shift in a melee as units attack and counterattack, you may not always be in a position to protect your rear.
Time for the guests to move!
God help us.
Rictor moves a little, then targets Stan with an attack spell. Since he’s got a bit of a big brain from several seasons on the Jumping Jesus Dodgeball team, it leaves a helluva mark.
Orson runs up and shows his understudy the ropes.
Derpy decides that, rather than stay and guard Orson’s rear flank, it’s the perfect time to charge forward and cut on the archer in the corner. Since she has no melee weapon, Robinna counters by punching Derpy in the fucking jaw.
WHAT
NO
GET THE FUCK BACK HERE YOU RETARDED FAGGOT
YOU’RE NOT HELPING YOU DUMB CUNT
So, yeah! Rather than be
sensible, everyone darted off like gold medal sprinters at the Special Olympics, leaving the archer and
the one person who needs to survive without any fucking support!
You absolute brainlets are so goddamned lucky you aren’t staying after this battle.
Stan only has 26 HP left, and we’re slated to deal around 25 on a hit. If the dice gods roll our way, we can put a bow on this shitshow
now, and I can lament this absolute circus act of an opening battle later.
Yeah, I should’ve expected that.
Oh, thank fuck. Maybe this won’t go so badly. Having 83 HP left, Alphonse can more than likely survive another turn with all three of those shitheels whaling on him unless something
else goes completely wrong.
Okay, good. One of the generics attacked Rictor, who proceeds to explain to him why that was a bad idea by killing the shit out of him.
The other generic stabs Orson in the spine.
Robinna, on account of being boxed in, fires at Orson, who proceeds to not even act like he gives a fuck about her inferior skills.
Stan, naturally, runs around Alponse and hatchets him in the back again.
Rictor runs to the shore and heals Alphonse, bringing the fight out of the danger zone and preventing me from having a rage ulcer.
Orson makes some distance and fires on the generic, who swats the arrow from the sky like a goddamned anime. Seriously, can I trade one of the other windowlickers we have for him?
And of course, rather than commit to their gangbang in the corner, Derpy runs the fuck off to take a swing at her betters.
Knucklehead, lacking the movement to do the same, continues his assault. Caught without a rape whistle, Robinna again resorts to punching people in the face.
Let’s put a fucking pin in this.
Christ alive, what a shitshow.
Not for a lack of effort, bud. I hope they have a Tim Horton’s in hell, just for your sake.
Unlike
Final Fantasy Tactics, enemies disappear into sparkles rather than corpses. Less realistic, sure, but they also don’t take up valuable killing space. I’m split on which I prefer. The remaining foes likewise vanish into the aether, probably to haunt me again at some point down the line as carriers of the retard virus.
As Stan was two levels over Alphonse, he earns a grip of EXP for getting the kill. Not enough over the map to level with, but after that debacle, I’ll count my blessings.
Don’t you fucking mock me, game.
We don’t get any money from this fight, but the leftover item from the poor bastard the Rictor shivved gets added to our pile; Cups of Life are a consumable that increase a unit’s max HP by a few points. Stan’s francisca, however, is a guaranteed drop.
We fade out from the battle screen, to Rictor and Alphonse standing on the cliffside, discussing the attack.
As befitting a hero, Alphonse states the obvious.
“
Our presence was requested by the people of Anser. It must be forces from the North that attacked us.”
“Anser is in the South and Rananculus in the North. Is the conflict between the two really that bad?”
“It’s more than a conflict. There’s a sizeable forest that separates them. Winter snows block both land and sea routes. They’ve not associated with each other for hundreds of years.”
Now, I’m one to doubt that two kingdoms, sharing an island, where one has been
subjugated administered by a theocratic empire, have gone for centuries without any contact whatsoever, including basic trade. That’s not even remotely how human interaction works.
“
And then, unexpectedly, soldiers from the North crossed the border...What is your father, the Duke of Felis, saying about this?”
Oh, I get it. Nepotism.
Great.
Rictor turns to look at where the ocean meets the cliffside.
"It’s happened several times before, but he ignored the situation. This time, at the people’s request, he finally decided to do something.”
“I see. When I received these orders, I was surprised by how small our force was and that most of the knights were inexperienced, like me.”
Fuck’s sake, a bunch of FNGs got sent to deal with something their empire couldn’t be fucked to fix properly. That’s going to end well.
“
My father didn’t want to go to the trouble of sending, so he sent me to take care of things instead. Are you worried?”
“
Not really...just curious.”
"…
some. It’s cheaper than sending reinforcements by ship. Since my father became the Duke, he’s been very stingy. I don’t have much admiration for him.”
Considering the quality of soldiers on the island compared to the ones you brought, they could be lepers for hire and they’d
still be a better choice.
“
Will you eventually go to Galius to become a priest of the Church of Lodis?”
“
I don’t know anymore. My father wants me to inherit his position as Duke of Felis so that he can hold the reins of power even in retirement.”
“
By the way, didn’t you say that you’ve visited Ovis before?”
“
I was only a child. I can barely remember.”
For the record, Ovis is the island we’ve found ourselves on.
Alphonse looks to the side, then turns fully as someone rushes towards them and levels a crossbow at Rictor.
Alphonse shoves Rictor aside, the force of the bolt toppling him into the ocean.
“
Damn! That soldier got in the way...”
A soldier comes up behind the bandit and
infects him with a lethal dose of retard virus cuts him down. Rictor moves to the edge of the cliff with a few other soldiers, looking out into the water.
“
Find him!”
The scene fades out at the storm continues to rage.
I think that will be a good stopping point for now – I’m still trying to get a feel for how many screencaps to take of battle, and where/how many to take during cutscenes. Feel free to let me know how that’s working out.
Troop applications are still open, as well! Note that after the next update, when I properly rename our hero, the fortune teller’s six questions will no longer be necessary – I’ll edit the main post once that happens.
