My friends, I had not intended to discuss my case at this particular time. However, I want you to know that I do not shun controversy. On the contrary, I will take a stand on any issue at any time, regardless of how fraught with controversy it might be. You have asked me how I feel about cocaine. All right, this is how I feel about cocaine:
If when you say cocaine you mean the devil's dandruff, the poison scourge, the bloody monster, that defiles Scandinavian incel prudes, dethrones reason, destroys the baldo bunker, creates WEIRD misery and FUNNY poverty, yea, literally takes the spaghetti-o's from the mouths of little children; if you mean the evil powder that topples the aggressively monogamous man and woman from the pinnacle of having a good time, gracious living into the bottomless pit of being under the state's thumb, and despair, and shame and helplessness, and hopelessness, then certainly I am against it.
But, if when you say cocaine you mean the medication of conversation, the philosophic snow, the dust that is consumed when Jamaican bucks get together, that puts a song in their hearts and cuck corner anime discussions on their lips, and the warm glow of polysubstance abuse in their eyes; if you mean Hedonism II cheer; if you mean the stimulating sugar that puts the spring in the old Lawpope's step on a frosty, crispy morning; if you mean the substance which enables a man to bring his energy levels to the same levels as his stress, and his happiness, and to forget, if only for a little while, children's extracurricular activities, and meals, and laundry; if you mean that powder, the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of dollars, which are used to provide tender care for our (but not my) little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitiful aged and infirm; to build highways and hospitals and schools, then certainly I am for it.
This is my stand. I will not retreat from it. I will not compromise.
