If you were going to cook PPP how would you do it?

[Hitchhiker]

Canada gets invaded, in the confusion you've managed to hog tie and drag PPP back to your house with the intent to cook him. How would you do it? I'm thinking that I would slather him in a glaze and cook him luau style in a big pit. Mincing him and making him into a shit ton of pies could also be a good option. This isn't cannibalism because Canadians are not people.

 

[DankSmoker]

I'd only spit roast the finest AMERICAN pig
Probably get real woozy afterwards.

 

[Stephanie Bustcakes]

I'd bring him to Patrick Tomlinson's basement and make some pppepperoni.

 

[Axiom.]

Just sauté him and put him the oven right after, I saved A LOT of money on stuffing.

 

[Shartavius]

Pull the waistband of his undies over his head to let him steam for a few minutes, until an excavator bucket drops onto his head and sends him crashing through the floor while the Superman theme plays. Until tender.

 

[Cancer ♥]

Much like you have to prepare possum, I'd put him in a cage and allow him nothing but bread and water for rations, so as to purge him of all the McDonald's grease he's been slurping from the bottom of a dumpster. This very meager diet would also loosen the skin from his corpulent frame, ya know ya boi would want to splay his hide out in front of a romantic fireplace.
Once the deed was done and I'd dressed him out like a deer, I'd likely prepare him like any other cut of pork. The chingchong variety of cannibal don't call manmeat "long pork" for nothing. I think his legs would be the best part of him, there must be some muscle on them to propel his wobbly ass frame. Definitely would have to get a couple quality roasts out of them haunches, throw them babies in the smoker at 250° for about 10 hours
Beyond that I don't know how much salvageable meat would be on him, perhaps the ribs? I'd for sure liquify and clarify the 300 pounds of pure golden fat he's carrying. At worst I'd have some grease to fry other things in but I'd also be able to use him in baking or even incorporate him into a roux to be used in sauces and soups. Ain't no thickener like the drippins from a thicc man such as PPP

 

[Nicholas Gur]

You have to low smoke something that big to properly cook it without drying it out or undercooking the center. I'm thinking at least 84 hours in the smoker.