One of my favorite things about Jonny the Retarded Monster is that almost every sentence he writes is hilarious. Case in point:
I Left My Mother To Die dijo:
It seems some at The Other Forum believe the story
"Mississippi Burping"@, a story somewhat loosely based on my real-life adventures-- a man, disillusioned with life and yearning to return to the past, builds a time machine* in his basement-- to be a none-too-subtle "
take that @" at my mother.
That's because it's pretty accurate to how you don't care at all about anything but your Quixotic Revenge Quest and yourself, and show regular contempt and willful ignorance at people actually trying to help you unfuck your life. It's also why you can't be arsed to find a simple part-time job (which would not hinder SSI btw), save your pathetic allowance to buy a bug zapper for the house, or do anything to make the hovel remotely healthier for the both of you.
Doesn't help that you left her to die from muggers.
Desperate Backtracking dijo:
They think I've portrayed as a frail, nattering "
Aunt May@"-type figure. Nothing could be further from the truth.
That's 'cause you totally did, and are now trying to change the elements in the story now that you realize it makes you look like a selfish and retarded monster.
Jonny the Horrid Roundworm dijo:
My Mom and I have a wonderful relationship.
It's a textbook parasitic relationship.
Weasel Words dijo:
Sure, we may not always agree on everything.
Well duh, she expected you to act like an actual human being, and you insist on being this horrible selfish moonfaced violent mutant lunatic.
Sometimes I think she spends too much time on Facebook. I get annoyed when she makes promises and then makes excuses for not following through.
She probably also wanted you to do things like basic chores around the house too, something that is apparently too hard for you to do.
Walking too Hard dijo:
Sometimes I rip bits off the pieces of the notes she leaves on the desk, and she lectures me for not taking a blank sheet from the scrap paper basket.
What type of lazy fuck are you?
Always Pigheaded and Wrong dijo:
She tells me I frequently get into moods where I "harp" on a issue until she becomes tired of hearing it, and, while I see her point, I always remind her that I am very often right.
This is why you've been arrested multiple times over your "right" decisions, got kicked out of a college for said decisions, have fallen into a retarded amount of scams due to being "right", and have so far just sat in a condemned shack sobbing for the past 20 years.
The right tend to have successes as proof; you have none.
Deluded Imbecile dijo:
Sure, we may not be able to do anything about it, but that makes my concern no less valid.
Such concerns include being able to watch terrible children's shows from the 70's and being able to write more terroristic threats and stalking people that have punished you for your maladjusted behavior.
Incompetent Murderous Retard dijo:
It's what you come to expect with raising a gifted (if prone to anger issues) child.
Gifted my ass. You were stymied by the concept of a fucking printer. You could not grasp the concept of obsolescence or realize that performing the same actions nets a similar result.
And need I remind your of your attempt to literally murder your own brother?
Terrible Writer dijo:
Plus it's this skill which make me such a great column-writer (if not always endearing me to my more small-minded, pedestrian co-workers, who were content to churn out copypastaed sludge about "10 Exciting Things to Do at Wal-Mart" and "What Your Cereal Preference May Say About You").
You wrote like three articles that were accepted when nothing else was available and were in trouble so many times in the five months you shat up the paper that your actual time there was probably closer to three.
Plus if you were great, then why do you regularly fail at understanding how commas and copyright work?
Champion of Nurgle dijo:
I mean, yeah, live with anyone for years, and their little idiosyncrasies and habits are bound to take their toll on you. Familiarity breeds contempt, as the old saying goes.
Another old saying is "Insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting a different result".
Perverted Manchild dijo:
The year was 2009. At the time I was really on a Spider-Man kick. Some of the first shows I ever downloaded on YouTube were the old 1967 cartoons, the one often hailed for its use of limited animation, recycled poses, its bizarre psychedelic color palettes, and more cheese in it than a Kardashian sister's vagina.
So what you're saying is not only are you a pedophile in denial, but you have shit tier taste for cartoons and shows from your parents era.
Oh My God How Pathetic dijo:
We were still on dial-up back in those days, so I can remember taking eight or nine hours to download a single 11-minute short... still, I still managed to build a pretty respectable playlist.
This is perhaps the most pathetic thing I've heard come from Jonny's facehole. He basically just sat there and waited for a terrible children's show to download, all while making it impossible for the house to use the phone.
I really am curious on how murderous this idiot lunatic was when Ma or Druggie bro needed to make a call.
Gushing about literal Garbage dijo:
One of my favorite episodes was "
The Madness of Mysterio@!" This issue was very influenced by the Ditko/Romita designs of the show... Hollings' look in particular was essentially a fat, balding, older, jaundiced-looking Quentin Beck.
The Marvel cartoons were amazingly shit; they were so lazy that for several of the series, they literally recycled comic panel images. This is a sacred cow to this manbaby.
Jon is a Master of Making His Villains Look Good dijo:
Sadly, my brother still had a serious monkey on his back back in those days, often stealing or shoplifting to support his habit, spending most of his time gone on a toot for days on end, in jail, or here at home sleeping off the residual effects of one of his benders.
The irony is that he still comes off like a better person than you do in spite of this. At least Druggy Bro didn't completely lean on and leech from the family for crack, as opposed to the horrible manchild that leeched everything from family to remain a manbaby. He wasn't a violent moonfaced lunatic who would tard rage randomly because he was inconvenienced.
Terrible Liar dijo:
As I worked at my computer in the den, I could overhear my mom and brother arguing in the next room about how he was wasting his life, how he couldn't hold down a job more than a few weeks, how he was squandering his talent. A lot of that conversation went right into the opening pages.
You mean as you hogged the computer and removed any ability to use the landline, you and your mom fought over you being a horrid waste of sperm. Because we've seen you and the family; the fella in the drawing looks just like you.
Less Helpful to the Elderly than a Cat dijo:
Since her heart scare a few years back Mom likes to have me at home and always at the ready in case of an emergency.
Just like how you prevented your mom from getting mugged... oh. Wait. No...
Trying to Dig Out of Being A Horrible Person dijo:
So I try. I wash the dishes, help with the shopping, plan and prepare all the meals, some light yard work (though I leave the lawn-mowing duties to my brother; I have said many times that while I can sell a mower to a fricking Eskimo, I cannot use one for the life of me), feed and take care of the dogs, and hang the laundry out on the line (just keep me away from the washing machine, if you value your clothes).
I call bullshit based entirely on how much of a hovel your house is. And on top of that if you're too retarded to use a mower (even the old types) AND a washing machine, I deem you too retarded to even know how to use a microwave or oven.
And we all know that "caring" for animals involves letting them run around, fuck because they ain't neutered, and then forcing others to dispose of the corpses. You literally do nothing productive in the family and your childish and pathetic lie to get out of this can't hope to cover that fact.
Failing to Escape Reality with Lies dijo:
I've often suggested I should go look for a job, maybe at one of the daily rags or over at one of the little shops downtown, but Mom is adamant about not being left alone during the day, just in case, God forbid, something happens.
That's why she was the main impetus to you even coming close to getting jobs, and why you regularly sob about the idea of getting one. Bitch, you can't just write something new and hope it erases the old.
Refuses to do Own Job dijo:
She encourages me to focus my time and effort into my writing, so that's how I pass my days.
Translation: She gave up on me and sees me as a disappointment.
Cucked by Own Mother dijo:
I give up a lot, sure, but it's a sacrifice I make willingly. It's a tender trap, I guess. Besides, I like working at home, and considering my employment history reads like an absolute horror-show, perhaps seeking employment isn't the best idea for me right now.
It's rather convenient that this now crops up when we laugh at your laziness and childishness. It's also hilariously incompetent, since it's obvious you refuse the notion of doing any work based on all that you write and do. It's also nice to see how you try to rationalize how come you have no power in the house whatsoever.
Criminal dijo:
I'd be no help at all to my mother out if I were taken out by a pack of angry, jealous, psychopathic co-workers, now would I?
Eh, you're more that candidate. The average coworker isn't an attempted murderer, pedophile, or terrorist. You happen to be all three, and incompetent at them to boot.
Jon Wants to Murder His Own Mom dijo:
The old woman breaks her neck in the fall. Now, I don't want anyone to read anything into this; I certainly don't wish violence upon my mother, nor would ever do anything to harm her.
That's why you regularly showed resentment at her expecting you to grow up and shirk every responsibility that involves caring for her and the home you live in.
Projection dijo:
It's symbolic, however, of how my brother's behavior hurt her, both emotionally and physically, over many long years.
You come so close to understanding that you have negative worth, but can't accept it.
Empty Platitudes dijo:
And I am grateful he got help and tries to make amends forall the terrible things he did. I'm happy he's got a new wife and family to understand, care for and keep him grounded. He has a good steady job and a support network of friends and co-workers.
That's why you regularly use him as a scapegoat to distract from how much of a horrible pigman you are.
lolno dijo:
I'm just saying if I had been allowed back at ASU ten or 12 years ago, I could have all thattoo.
Your track record spits in the face of this.
Lying Sack of Shit dijo:
I never had a real second chance.
You wasted multiple chances actually, such as the time you were first booted from the paper when you were a stupid angry dipshit to that poor photographer.
You were then given an out in the form of a psych evaluation, which you refused.
Self-Important Stockboy dijo:
Instead I got stuck at a dead-end job, dutifully working at a shop where my job was basically to babysit a 58-year-old man who pretty much bumbled us into bankruptcy, then pitched a fit and and blew town when he realized he was just the name on the sign out front, and my mom really ran the show (with me as manager and proxy, filling her in on every dumbass thing Dale did at the end of the day).
You were a stockboy and had no power lol. In fact, I get the vibe that the business fell apart because you were a delusional self-important idiot and not the Beau.
Stockboy Job is Hard dijo:
I'd have quit after a week if I hadn't so sorely needed that piddling-fraction-of-ten-percent sales commission I was raking in. I was pretty much a narc, hiding under a cover of inventory spreadsheets, stocking shelves, and dressing window displays. In short, I was being used.
It's called doing a job you sobbing baby. Stockboys literally do this in every store that has that position; your "labor" here was the norm you dysfunctional tard.
How Dare I Get Banned for Being A Stalker and Terrorist dijo:
I had my own dreams, my own ideas, but it seemed I was always deferring to the whims of others and losing sight of myself in the struggle.
IE your family attempted to make you a respectable human being. You willingly and masterfully proved you aren't.
I Want to Be Arrested For Stalking a College I was Banned At dijo:
I spent more time recovering from one disastrous venture or ill-fated relationship after another, and whenever I said, "Okay, we tried your idea, and it didn't work; now we go back to mine'', all I'd get back was, "No, no" and always more excuses, more distractions.
Your retarded ideas literally netted you prison stints and police activity. That alone proves your idea sucked cock.
Demands to be Eternal Student Due to Autism dijo:
Ten years, a lot of my money, and most of my health and happiness wound up being lost to the perpetual cycle of logistical key-jingling and primrose promises fashioned by my family to distract me from my real goals--a college life, a college job, a college relationship--and when another big idea inevitably fell through, I was the one who ended up buried under the pieces of shattered dreams.
More like you simply just added these minor inconveniences into a 20 year sob story while accidentally proving why you deserve no pity at all.
Eternal Assache dijo:
That was the true impetus for the story-- a lot of swallowed resentment and time forever lost-- a fact cruelly driven home by an article in an ASU newsletter announcing my old dorm had been torn down. With it died my dreams. I think I have every right to be bitter, don't you?
