🎨 Artcow Iconoclast / Jonathan Mack Sweet - The Chris-Chan of Arkansas

[DrChristianTroy]

In her late sixties, and she must be from tough pioneer stock. She's still working, too.

In the twilight of her life and she's working. Her 40 year old son remains jobless. That is the saddest sounding shit.

 

[Dr. Merkwurdichliebe]

I'm A Professional Writer wrote:
I feel no small resentment over my second chance in college having to take a back burner to keeping him afloat and out of prison.

There's that inability to understand idiom. Again. One thing doesn't take a back burner to another thing; it takes a back seat. Things are put on the back burner or moved to the back burner. While I'm at it, taking "a back burner to keep him afloat" will get a chuckle from the reader who recognizes an unintentionally risible mixed metaphor when one is served up.

Sweet doesn't need to get back into college. He needs to get into a good high school.

 

[DrChristianTroy]

Fooling around= sex, the college living shit is even more pathetic than I thought and apparently my version of a nice evening involves pool hall fights and drug busts.

No, i'm talking back with my first girlfriend back in high school. She always wanted to sneak off and fool around in the broom closet-- that's where that whole thing of mine came from. And what do you call a "nice" evening, huh... going to some loud dirty club or smoky bar, probably risk being stabbed in the parking lot or getting beat unconscious with a pool cue or possibly getting swept up in a drug raid when the cops crash the place after its fifth or sixth violation? Bah. Who needs it? That's what the college living hotel is about-- you can hang with good friends in a quiet, clean, non-judgmental environment, playing games or watching TV or just hang out in your room while one of our beautiful girls calls you up. You spank off together on the phone six months, maybe a year, get to know one another... and if you give the go-ahead and she's agreeable, you arrange to meet, either in your room or wherever, for...whatever. All in in our nice, safe, carefully-controlled little bubble. Just like I was shown and taught in The System . It's what they wanted for me before in the University, and now I am preparing to offer it to the private sector. What's wrong with that?

 

[NobleGreyHorse]

I am really starting to get squicked by the phrase "spank off" given that it's the only one Sweet Bro ever uses for masturbation. No variation. It's never "choke the chicken," which you'd think would be more disturbing, or "rub one out" or whatever is more applicable to a het couple. (Shit, maybe I've been here too long because now I want the first version of Ashlaaaayyy to have been a guy with a really convincing falsetto. Or even a Bluespike-tier falsetto.) It's because I picture Sweet's meaty hands literally spanking whatever he's got down there as he pictures... fuck it, I don't care what he pictures.

 

[AJMLurker]

No, i'm talking back with my first girlfriend back in high school.

What? Sweet, take your meds.

She always wanted to sneak off and fool around in the broom closet

Want to learn more Kiwis? You can find the rest of this story in the fiction section at your local library.

And what do you call a "nice" evening, huh... going to some loud dirty club or smoky bar, probably risk being stabbed in the parking lot or getting beat unconscious with a pool cue or possibly getting swept up in a drug raid when the cops crash the place after its fifth or sixth violation?

You've never been to a club. You would shit yourself (I think I just aroused him) from all the niggos that would be there. They might bash in your skull with brass knuckles and chuck 40's at you while shouting "Mista cracker! We kills you!"

As usual though, you comment on shit that you have no experience with.

That's what the college living hotel is about-- you can hang with good friends in a quiet, clean, non-judgmental environment, playing games or watching TV

You had no friends. Also, did nobody tell you about the raging college parties? I thought you watched a lot of TV.

just hang out in your room while one of our beautiful girls calls you up.

No. That doesn't happen unless you have a girlfriend and she's calling your room. We got cell phones now so nobody going to be calling a fucking landline in your dorm room.

You spank off together on the phone six months

No. What mutant thinking is this?!

and if you give the go-ahead and she's agreeable, you arrange to meet, either in your room or wherever

Jesus...Sweet, your life experiences of being trolled by a girl back in the 90's does not fit the typical college experience. Damn, your idea of "dating" is the most asinine and boring thing ever. Guess being autistic, you don't like engaging in personal contact with other people often.

Just like I was shown and taught in The System

Ok, cool. Repeating yourself won't change reality. Have a nice life Sweet Bro.

I am preparing to offer it to the private sector

Considering you believe that slapping "$1.00" on the cover of a childish looking comic makes you an entrepreneur, we can rest easy knowing you'll never set up your mini-ASU whore house or whatever the fuck it's supposed to be.

 

[DrChristianTroy]

Oh I see. So women went after balding middle aged losers BEFORE the Clinton administration. Right.

1. It's a typo. I fixed it. Now leave me alone about it.
2. It depends on what your definition of "is" is. Isn't that what your progressive god and savior Bill Clinton taught us?
3. I live near Memphis, where this is pretty much common. Now maybe you live in a nicer neighborhood with nice little hometown pubs and clean social watering holes and, but what I describe is pretty much all they have to offer-- sleazy strip clubs and violent redneck dives where you can count on fights breaking out every weekend. You know, real.
4. It's how things worked before. I want to see them work this way again. That's why I want to return to ASU: to study their business model, find that elusive x factor that keeps these young townie women in sway, and reproduce these results on the outside.

 

[Adamska]

No, i'm talking back with my first girlfriend back in high school.

Who's obviously less real than Ashlaaay due to the fact that you never mentioned her until now and fucking in a closet would've been your primary way of describing sex rather than phone sex if she was real. I can tell you've never even hugged a girl that wasn't family, and those hugs were prompted by them most likely.

She always wanted to sneak off and fool around in the broom closet-- that's where that whole thing of mine came from.

Some shitty movie you watched where closet fucking happened doesn't translate into reality bro.

And what do you call a "nice" evening, huh... going to some loud dirty club or smoky bar

I like how you immediately put words into our mouths like this. Mainly because bars and clubs can actually vary in quality between dive and high class. But again, you being the intentionally ignorant bumpkin that tries to weasel out of being anything but a manchild that you are, makes it quite obvious you wouldn't know that. Doubly so since you live in an utter shithole, one partially of your own creation to boot.

probably risk being stabbed in the parking lot or getting beat unconscious with a pool cue or possibly getting swept up in a drug raid when the cops crash the place after its fifth or sixth violation?

Only a person who needs brain medicine would immediately jump into the paranoid delusion that they'd instantly get their shit kicked in like this. But then again, you are a fucking lunatic, so I guess this does apply.

Bah. Who needs it?

You do, since you're a socially maladjusted troglodyte.

That's what the college living hotel is about-

You will die before ever becoming a student at ASU again you tard. Your name is so fucking poisoned that they will never let you back in. No matter what retarded shit you think might avail you. This is your fate.

you can hang with good friends

All of them hated you.

in a quiet, clean

Most dorms are messy shitholes... like the one you lived in!

non-judgmental environment

That's why you were judged to be mentally unfit and kicked out for terroristic threats Jonathan Mack Sweet.

playing games or watching TV

Rather than doing any school work or effort of course.

or just hang out in your room while one of our beautiful girls calls you up

lol that was a genuine troll asking for who was supposed to be your roomie when your thirsty ass made her go "oh gawd I can't wait to see how this faggot embarrasses himself." You probably fall for the South African Skype scams too.

You spank off together on the phone six months, maybe a year, get to know one another...

That's why she immediately half-assed all of her sexting and left you after seeing you once.

and if you give the go-ahead and she's agreeable, you arrange to meet, either in your room or wherever, for...whatever.

lol you never even got kissed by her too.

All in in our nice, safe, carefully-controlled little bubble.

Which never existed and you're just shouting this to deny the fact that no one liked you at the college and were actually happy when your stupid ass got kicked out.

Just like I was shown and taught in The System

Which functional non-schizophrenic people call "basic etiquette and manners", y'know, the same thing that merits people not smacking their lips loudly to become the center of attention? Or not screaming jokes out loud that you think are funny at every event you went to?

It's what they wanted for me before in the University

No, they wanted you to make something of yourself. And mommy's money. Since you offered none you manchild.

and now I am preparing to offer it to the private sector.

Which you've made no progress on whatsoever in the last year this delusional idea cropped up in.

What's wrong with that?

Everything.

F- See me after class

 

[MrsFrizzle]

I have been to nightclubs in Memphis, and didn't get shanked even once.

 

[The I Scream Man]

I love his talk of class, like he knows anything about it.

I wear a nice shirt and tie, minimum, to work every day. Every day! I don't think I've ever seen a picture of Sweetpea with him in a tie. Are there any, Sweetstorians? Jon, do you know how to tie a tie? Even a half windsor would be acceptable. My uncles taught me how to tie a full windsor when I was a quarter your age. That's a life skill, homes...it's served me well for almost 20 years since.

 

[Dr. Merkwurdichliebe]

I love his talk of class, like he knows anything about it.

I wear a nice shirt and tie, minimum, to work every day. Every day! I don't think I've ever seen a picture of Sweetpea with him in a tie. Are there any, Sweetstorians? Jon, do you know how to tie a tie? Even a half windsor would be acceptable. My uncles taught me how to tie a full windsor when I was a quarter your age. That's a life skill, homes...it's served me well for almost 20 years since.

Given his grandiose sense of self-worth (a symptom of his sociopathy), I don't see Sweet ever wearing something as déclassé as a necktie. When forced to associate with the riffraff at semiformal events, he almost certainly wears a cravat, which has the added benefit of camouflaging his lack of a chin.

 

[DrJonesHat]

So Sweet's gonna have a bevy of ladies just lounging about waiting for dudes to call? Since no woman in her right mind would voluntarily go into the Rape Shack, he's gonna have to hire professionals. So at that point, he'd be running a brothel, which if you think about it, kinda fits him because he's never gonna have consensual sex any other way.

 

[Chan the Wizard]

Did no one tell Sweets that jerking it to a troll phone call doesn't count as sex?

 

[ToroidalBoat]

So "phone sex -> broom closet sex = standard college dating" is the result Sweet combining two separate experiences (neither of which are actual sex, apparently) and processing them through Sweet-O-Vision? I totally wasn't expecting this shocking twist of events!

I'm currently at a loss for words for just how deeply Sweet is buried in his delusions. In the meantime, this video @Meowthkip linked to will have to do:

 

[John Titor]

How does it feel to know that Chris has a much more realistic view of dating than Thumb and Thumber?

Here's the entire comment chain.

HaggisMcCrablice Edited 5 hours ago Hobbyist Writer
No, I'm talking back with my first girlfriend back in high school. She always wanted to sneak off and fool around in the broom closet-- that's where that whole thing of mine came from. And what do you call a "nice" evening, huh... going to some loud dirty club or smoky bar, probably risk being stabbed in the parking lot or getting beat unconscious with a pool cue or possibly getting swept up in a drug raid when the cops crash the place after its fifth or sixth violation? Bah. Who needs it? That's what the college living hotel is about-- you can hang with good friends in a quiet, clean, non-judgmental environment, playing games or watching TV or just hang out in your room while one of our beautiful girls calls you up. You spank off together on the phone six months, maybe a year, get to know one another... and if you give the go-ahead and she's agreeable, you arrange to meet, either in your room or wherever, for...whatever. All in in our nice, safe, carefully-controlled little bubble. Just like I was shown and taught in The System . It's what they wanted for me before in the University, and now I am preparing to offer it to the private sector. What's wrong with that?

EmmettBrownPhD 5 hours ago
Oho, now that there is a girlfriend from High School? Or did you just make her up on the spot considering this is the first time we heard of her?

Show us proof that this is how "The System" operates. Surely you can find someone your age to back up your claims.

DrChristianTroy Edited 5 hours ago
1- It is I'm not i'm. For someone who prides himself on his writing your grammar is pretty shitty.
2- "Fooling around" isn't sex, dumb ass.
3- I said a delightful evening involved going out and starting fights at pool halls? It's being in the middle of some The Wire drug busts? Please show me where I said this. Because last I checked all I said was hanging out with a hillbilly with breathing problems sounded like an awful evening.
4- Because hot college age women want to get with some wack assholes in their 40's that live together? To what, jerk off over the phone? Please explain why they'd go after a bunch of losers who think pinball machines are the epitome of cool. If they're going after older men it's ones with money and real jobs not a bunch of beer gutted losers in their 40's who live off their elderly mother's job like you.

EDIT- Also nobody says "spank off." Maybe in the creepy pedophile circles you run in but the real world? Naw, it just sounds fucking creepy.

HaggisMcCrablice Edited 4 hours ago Hobbyist Writer
1. It's a typo. I fixed it. Now leave me alone about it.
2. It depends on what your definition of "is" is. Isn't that what your progressive god and savior Bill Clinton taught us?
3. I live near Memphis, where this is pretty much common. Now maybe you live in a nicer neighborhood with nice little hometown pubs and clean social watering holes and, but what I describe is pretty much all they have to offer-- sleazy strip clubs and violent redneck dives where you can count on fights breaking out every weekend. You know, real.
4. It's how things worked before. I want to see them work this way again. That's why I want to return to ASU: to study their business model, find that elusive x factor that keeps these young townie women in sway, and reproduce these results on the outside.

DrChristianTroy Edited 4 hours ago
1- That was a random ass bashing of Bill Clinton. Not everything is about politics nor was Clinton brought up you dumb hillbilly.
2- So you haven't gotten laid.
3- Yes I'm not from a dumb redneck town like you. You're right there. Doesn't mean it's any less than your experience. If anything it makes you kind of ignorant for not considering or experiencing life outside of your small hick town.
4- I can assure you college aged women weren't going after 40 year old nobodies with nothing to provide like you at any point in time. Before or after the Clinton administration. Not to mention that your college experience (ie getting trolled by someone in the 90's) is not the typical college experience.
5- Why assume I'm a progressive? We have seen liberals and conservatives call your ideas retarded.

HaggisMcCrablice 1 hour ago Hobbyist Writer
2015 progressives hate these ideas. 1997 progressives, who created The System to begin with, love them and want them back. And if replacing all our landlines with cell phones is going to take our happiness and freedom away, like your pals tell me, then you know what? We don't need that fancy new tech crap. Change is bad.

EmmettBrownPhD Moments ago
Show us these 1997 progressives.

 

[DrChristianTroy]

How does it feel to know that Chris has a much more realistic view of dating than Thumb and Thumber?

That's just because Chris is thinking about dating AFTER the Reagan administration. What a progressive like his God and personal superhero Clinton.

 

[Chan the Wizard]

Chris has had sex with an actual woman. Chris could give sex advice to Sweet.

Someone should photoshop The 40-Year-Old Virgin with Sweet's face.

 

[wheat pasta]

I don't have photoshop, but I'll do it. Give me a face to put on it, let's go!

 

[Dr. Merkwurdichliebe]

According to deviantart, he photographed using this camera phone.

Thanks. I'd been wondering what kind of Stone Age gear he was using. This model features a 2 megapixel camera that saves images in JPEG format. And it was notorious for taking crappy images to start with. Also, I suspect that no one told™ Sweet that every time he saves a JPEG the image is recompressed, further degrading its already unacceptable quality. There are point-and-shoot cameras for sale on ebay for $5 or less that would take vastly superior photos. I bet his mom would let him buy one if he actually worked in the jungle yard for an entire day.

 

[Holdek]

Guys, remember: he refers to the girl he met once for five minutes in college as his "ex," so it's anyone's guess who and what means by "first girlfriend in high-school."

 

[wheat pasta]

Guys, remember he referers to the girl he met once for 5 minutes in college as his "ex," so it's anyone's guess who and what means by "first girlfriend in high-school."

Their shoulders probably brushed against one another as they went opposite directions in the hall by the broom closet.